It was Graham’s job to know about every hockey player who might be of potential interest to a junior hockey team. It was Graham’s job to get to know young boys. He was coaching the St. James Midget (sixteen-year-olds) AAA Canadians, a team from my area composed of boys two years older than those on the Bantam team I was playing for. We were both involved in hockey at the highest level in Winnipeg, and Graham most definitely knew who I was.
I finally got to meet Graham in January 1979, when my St. James Bantam Canadians traveled to Minneapolis for the North American Midwest Regional AAA Silver Stick Championships. Although Graham was coaching the St. James Midget Canadians, something that itself would have involved a massive time commitment, he somehow found time that weekend to help a friend of his, Mike Tishler, the coach of our arch rivals, the St. Boniface–St. Vital Saints.
In January 1979, people saw only good in Graham. They looked fondly upon him for giving even more of his time to the game of hockey by helping coach another team at that Silver Stick tournament in Minnesota, a team he was not directly involved with. The tournament was an opportunity for him to scout the best players in our age group. And there may even be people who to this day believe that Graham’s motive was solely to help coach that team and give his time freely to the game he loved.
As a scout, Graham was interested in identifying the best upcoming players, and the tournament featured the region’s best teams from both Canada and the United States. Our rivals, the team he was helping out, featured several outstanding players who were already attracting significant attention in the hockey world. Looking back, it is almost ridiculous to think about the talent that was playing hockey in Winnipeg in our age group. The St. Boniface–St. Vital Saints featured Darren Boyko, who would eventually play in the NHL and later set records in the Finnish Elite League; Dale Derkatch, who would set records in junior hockey while starring for the Regina Pats; and Mark MacKay, who would end up playing professional hockey in Germany and eventually captaining the German national team. The Winnipeg South Monarchs had among their players Brett Hull, Bobby’s son and himself now also in the Hockey Hall of Fame; and Richard Kromm, a highly sought-after prospect who eventually played for the New York Islanders.
There were other extremely talented players in our league in our age group. We played a very high level of hockey, and there were opportunities for an adult to latch on to a boy’s success. There was money to be made and coaching and management opportunities to be had by showing an eye for developing successful hockey players.
Graham was neither a parent nor a relative of any of the players. Still, it would never have occurred to anyone that he might have an ulterior motive. It would have been beyond contemplation in 1979 that Graham was using his position to develop relationships with young men, to access potential prey. Nobody considered for a moment that he might be putting himself amidst young, athletic, and even, some would say, good-looking boys for his own satisfaction.
Everybody on our team knew that Graham was there. As hockey players, we desperately wanted to impress him. But at the same time, we saw his helping a team from a different district, our rivals no less, as an act of treason against both the St. James team he coached and our team representing that same district. We used this seeming treason as motivation throughout the tournament. Hockey is about many things, with loyalty and respect for the jersey very high on the list. How dare he disrespect our jersey, his own team’s jersey, and help another team against us? Oh, the silly things that motivate young boys.
And of course, things being what they are, our two Winnipeg teams had traveled all the way to Minneapolis only to end up facing each other in the Mid-Western Regional AAA Final, a game that could have been scheduled just a short drive from everybody’s house back home.
I don’t remember much about that game except that I did not play particularly well and we lost to the team Graham was helping. For some reason, I’d been very calm on the bus taking us from the hotel to the rink for the game and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more energized for the final. So I mentally “worked myself up,” that being the mantra for successful athletes back then. But I had completely misunderstood what was going on. My perfectly calm state had actually been something I’d never experienced before—perfect preparation for a big moment. As the game wound down I realized that in working myself up, all I’d done was get in the way of my ability to play naturally to the best of my ability. I was so disappointed, so mad at myself.
Me being me, I blamed myself for the loss and was both angry and somewhat despondent as our team left the ice with our second-place trophies or medals or whatever they gave us—it was just a loss to me, and second-place awards meant nothing to me that night. And just then, as we were walking down the pathway from the ice surface to our dressing room, there, almost incredibly, was Graham standing just off to the side, alone, watching us but looking as if he didn’t want us to see him. I looked over and saw him and couldn’t help myself: “Hey! Graham! Nice job helping them. Traitor! You have to leave St. James to be a winner?”
Back then, I would have been the last, and I mean last, person to say anything rude to an adult. I immediately felt sick about what I had done and resolved to do whatever I could to try to take it back.
Except you can’t ever really take words back.
After getting out of my equipment and eventually leaving the dressing room, I searched for Graham to apologize to him. I was nervous and ashamed. I expected the worst. Instead, I was met by a very calm, very reassuring, almost nurturing man who said that he understood that things are said in the heat of the battle and that I shouldn’t worry at all about what I’d said. He said that if he’d been in the same position, he likely would have done the same thing. I was relieved.
“Hey, Greg, this is just one game,” he said. “Focus on what you’ve accomplished. Focus on your skills, on what you can do. That’s the real you. You know you’re better than today. Today, tonight, was an exception.”
“It’s Gil. The guys call me Gil.”
But it got even better. Graham went on to compliment me on my play. He told me to put this one game aside and learn from it. He let me know that he was aware of my ability and successes and that he thought that I had a future in the game if I kept progressing in the right direction. He said that he was prepared to help me, that he had some thoughts on things that could help me, but he definitely did not want to interfere with my current coaches (who, he thought, weren’t that good but must be respected) so we would have to keep this between us to avoid causing offense. Same with my dad—don’t tell him, as my coaches would eventually find out. Keep this to myself, at least for the next little while, and we’ll see what we can do. He said he would get in touch when we were back in Winnipeg. And with that, we agreed to speak when back in Winnipeg.
I remember getting on our team bus to head back to Winnipeg not caring one bit about the fact that we had lost the regional finals. Instead, all I could think about was that one of the leading figures in our hockey world thought I had a future in the game and was prepared to work with me.
That was the random event that caused our paths to cross. Those were the random words uttered by me in frustration that changed my life. Some might assume that I would wish I had never apologized to him. But I see it differently: it was my fault and I wish I had never been rude to him. In the end, nothing mattered. I was nobody to him, just an opportunity, a potential victim.
Not too long after we were back in Winnipeg, Graham started following my team around and showing up at games. Seeing him there, knowing he was watching me, I felt flattered. In those days before email, texting, cell phones, even voice mail or home recording machines, he could have just called my house and asked for me. But he never made direct contact with me anywhere other than at a hockey rink. He was always surrounded by other coaches or kids in hockey jackets, near the canteens at the rinks that everybody passes on the way in and out of arenas. It provided him with a perfect opportunity to grab a
quick minute of conversation with me while my dad was waiting for me in the car. If he ever needed to get in touch with me, he could always easily find me.
Eventually, Graham suggested that we get together at a local restaurant. I was so excited that somebody of his stature in our hockey community wanted to meet with me, and I could hardly wait until the day came.
THE DAY FINALLY came. I had just turned fifteen and didn’t yet drive, so I had to walk there, about a fifteen- or twenty-minute walk. I was so excited. I wanted to make a good impression, and I most definitely didn’t want to be late, so I arrived very early. Because I had very little money with me, I sat drinking several glasses of water while I waited for him. The waitress asked if I was going to order something or just sit there. I was quiet and nervous. Eventually Graham showed up.
“Greg, sorry, Gil, sorry I’m late.”
He wasn’t late. Graham can be very charming. He was just less early than I was and wanted to put me at ease for being a dork who showed up way too early for our meeting. He immediately made me feel like the most important, successful young person he had ever come across. He gushed with praise about my hockey talents as well as my success at school.
“So, I hear you’re a bit of a genius. What’s your favorite subject?”
“Yeah, right. I don’t know. Math, English, stuff like that.”
I was clearly a brilliant conversationalist.
It was apparent that he had done his research, as he seemed to know more than I thought he would about who I was and what I had already done. He said that he had seen me play a game at a tournament the year before and was amazed at my talent. He complimented me on how others spoke of me, both as a player and as a person off the ice, saying I was well known as an intelligent, well-mannered, respectful, and very hard-working young man.
Besides flattering me, Graham started digging for more about me.
“You know, I think that a strong family upbringing can be helpful in developing character. Most of the guys on my team have great parents. But it’s also possible that coming from a tough family background can make you into an even stronger person. What’s your family like?”
I gave him a bit of information, but not the whole story. “We’re OK, I guess.”
He told me about his team, shared some hockey secrets, asked about my school, and touched on current affairs. Our discussion was very exciting for me, and I felt as if I were being brought into the inner workings of the local hockey community. Knowing about my success at school and my interest in academics, he played up his position as a teacher and let on that he was highly educated. And he immediately homed in on the potential issues that might be at play.
“I know what it’s like to be very smart and good at school while also playing sports. The other guys can sometimes make it hard on you. It can be a lonely place. I understand.”
By engaging me, adult to youth, as somebody who mattered, by listening intently to my every word without dismissing me or yelling at me, Graham instantly became somebody I thought I could talk to, somebody I wanted to talk to, somebody I respected and admired for the simple reason that he made me feel that I finally had a meaningful voice outside of the classroom. It was the first time my intellectual side had been respected and encouraged outside of school, in the real world. I didn’t have that at home. And all it took was this one conversation to make me feel good about myself.
I don’t remember things like what he was wearing or what we ate, the kind of things you think would be etched in my memory. I do remember looking down as he went on and on about me, breaking eye contact with him out of embarrassment, and seeing a stain on my hockey team jacket next to the team crest and worrying that he would see that stain and think I was a slob for having spilled milk on it earlier and not cleaning it properly.
Mostly, I remember getting up from the table and feeling almost dizzy, slightly removed from the situation while thinking that this couldn’t be happening. How lucky was I? How cool was this? It was amazing.
And of course, I had a long time to think about it because I walked home. It wouldn’t be right, he said, for us to be seen together. And he told me to keep our contact secret—something he would reiterate at each of our meetings.
I thought it had been one of the best days of my life.
WE CONTINUED TO meet at the same restaurant every few weeks or so for a few months.
Over time I became increasingly at ease discussing things with him. From answering with a simple “OK” when he asked about my relationship with my parents at our first meeting, I increasingly opened up when he later circled back to the issue. I slowly, gradually let him in on the isolation I was experiencing at home and divulged how difficult it was no longer having my best friend around all the time.
He would tell me that I was better than the rest of my teammates and that I deserved better coaching, coaching that respected both my physical skills and my brain. He would go on and on about hockey strategy, stressing that a goalie should know more than anybody else on the team about how the patterns of the game work because goalies have to participate actively in a team’s own defense while at the same time responding to the other team’s offense.
“You know, traditionally, goaltenders in minor hockey have been ignored when it comes to teaching hockey theory. Do your coaches teach systems of offense and defense?”
“Well, they run drills for us with the guys having to be in different places in different situations.”
“But do they give it an overall structure, something cohesive where everybody has certain fundamental responsibilities?”
“Not really.”
“You need to know what the other team is trying to do in your zone. And you need to know what your team is trying to do to defend that. There’s a reason for all of that positioning.”
“I think our guys are just trying to remember where the coaches want them to be.”
“Look, I appreciate the role of the goalie in a way others can’t. Because you’re smart, once you understand the patterns, the systems, you can use your head in connection with your talent to move far beyond others playing your position. I’m sure your coaches already recognize that. Maybe your guys just aren’t ready for systems, or surely they’d be teaching you how to play, wouldn’t they?”
He asked about my parents and my relationship with them. What were they like? Where did they come from? What were their interests? What had they done in their pasts? What were they doing now? Surely, given their backgrounds, they would understand that I needed to be challenged, and they were already encouraging my intellectual pursuits and supporting me in my athletic and academic efforts, weren’t they?
The seeds of doubt were sown. Who was there to teach me? Who understood me? Who was there to champion me? My parents? My coaches?
Graham asked me what I wanted to do with my life. Did I want to pursue hockey, or did I want to do something with my education? If it was hockey, he said, there would be no stopping me—provided I received the right coaching and training, and he could help me with that. If it was something else, he, a teacher, could also provide guidance as I worked toward university. But if it was a combination of the two, he, as both a leading figure in the hockey world and a teacher, was ideally situated to be my mentor.
I wanted to do both. I had always wanted to do both. I told Graham that my dad had only gone to Grade Eight and that I would be the first in our family to go to university. He would have heard the way I said it, the determination in my voice. He would have understood that I wanted to be different from my dad, better than my dad.
“My dad focused on hockey and look where that got him.”
And with that statement, without realizing it, I had crossed a line. I was now speaking disrespectfully about my own father to somebody outside the family, somebody who until very recently had been a complete stranger. The one thing Graham would most easily have learned about me and my relationships with my own family was that I wasn’t going to be like my dad. Graham in
stantly saw that as a way to connect to me, to bond with me.
Those seeds of doubt. Who was there to teach me? Who understood me? Who was there to champion me? After our meetings I would think long and hard about what he had said. He didn’t tell me that my parents were bad or that my coaches were bad. He left me to come to my own conclusions. He prompted me to ask myself what I wanted and how I might best achieve that. But before prompting me to ask myself those questions, he had already positioned himself as the answer to my dreams.
We increasingly discussed how I could best develop as both a player and a person. He now knew that I wanted to play varsity hockey at university, and there was no way I was ever going to change my mind about that, notwithstanding his position as a junior hockey scout. There were rumors of a new rule that would make those playing major junior hockey, the level of the teams for which Graham scouted, ineligible for NCAA university hockey in the United States (this rule was, in fact, adopted the next year), so he never pushed me to the Saskatoon Blades or the New Westminster Bruins or whoever else he may have been helping. Graham took great pride in steering players into what is now the Canadian Hockey League, but that was never on my radar.
“I understand you. You want to do what I wanted to do, exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to get a scholarship and play hockey in the States too, but my asthma got in the way. It’s smart. You get the best of both worlds. You’ll have your hockey and an education to fall back on. That education will always be there.”
“Graham, I’m not ever going to play in the NHL.”
“You have no idea just how good you are and how much potential you have, do you?”
“No.”
“Well, I understand you. Only somebody like me can understand you. People like us, we need to stick together and help each other.”
He would never let too much time go by between our meetings, but he was also never so in my face that it became off-putting. He walked a delicate line between keeping me on a string and appearing to allow me to move on with other aspects of my life with other people. He was able to maintain an emotional hold on me, and I would increasingly ask for less and less time to pass until we could get together again to talk. Yes, in a way, getting together became my idea. His time was now something he was doling out in limited amounts while I craved more. Not only did have me on a string, he had me swimming toward him.
I Am Nobody Page 4