by Nick Poff
Ed nodded, tears gone, a smile coming to the lips Rick continued to kiss.
Afterward, after Rick’s quiet reassurances and his ability to make Ed experience a pleasure he’d never known, Ed grew to believe even more strongly that Rick Benton was the man he’d been looking for all his life.
“We can flip that around whenever you want, you know,” Rick said, arms tightly wrapped around Ed.
Ed looked at him questioningly.
“Baby, the only thing I can imagine being better than what we just had would be to feel you inside me that way, too; showing me your love the same way I showed mine. I wanna share it all with you, be every bit of a man with you. I don’t want to control you, I just want to love you right. I know there is no bigger, better man in this world than you, and to be loved by you that way would be one of the greatest gifts you could give me, next to your love.”
Their mutual declaration of love was still fresh, still new enough that it couldn’t be said often enough, but Ed knew, looking into Rick’s eyes, that no words were necessary right now. His love for Rick was shining back at him in Rick’s eyes.
* * * * *
It was very late, but they were still awake. They lay side by side in the soft darkness of Ed’s bedroom, Rick’s arms protectively around Ed.
“I am so tired,” Rick said against Ed’s hair, “but so wide awake at the same time. I know you’ll still be here when I wake up in the morning, next to me, but right now, even going to sleep feels like leaving you.”
“I feel peaceful,” Ed said. “I’m trying to remember the last time I felt like this. I thought love was supposed to make you run around in circles, like an idiot or something.”
“Well, baby, I think we used up a lot of that energy earlier.”
Ed snickered softly. “I s’pose you’re right.”
Rick kissed Ed’s neck. “Are you okay?”
“Better than okay.”
“Good. That’s the most important thing to me right now. You know, I meant what I said . . . about, uh, taking turns.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad, baby. I’d be the luckiest guy in the world, to get to have you that way.”
“Thanks, darlin’. I feel the same way, now that I know . . .”
“Know what, baby?”
“That it . . . that it can be so good, so great. I’d love to make you feel the way you made me feel tonight.”
“And I want you to feel what I felt. If I wasn’t so damned tired—”
“No.” Ed turned to smile at Rick. “When the time is right. It’ll happen, I know it will.”
“You’re not afraid anymore?”
“No.”
“What did he do to you? Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just need to know you’re okay with me. Whatever may happen outside of this room, I want you to know you can always trust me here.”
“I do. Trust you, that is. I love you more now, if that’s possible.”
“I think it’s possible. I love you more now, too. I want to kill that guy, though.”
Ed sighed. “It doesn’t matter anymore, after tonight. What happened was . . . well, it was as much my fault. I was stupid.”
“We all get stupid sometimes, baby, but no one has the right to hurt you.”
“It was about three years ago,” Ed said tentatively.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“I think I do. Just don’t let go of me, okay?”
Rick’s arms tightened around him. “I’m right here.”
“Okay. Well, I went to Carlton’s. I was lonely and I was horny. I was looking for sex, I admit it.”
“Baby, if I didn’t have the most incredible man in the world in my arms right now, I might be out looking for sex, too. Nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Oh, I’m not. Not really, anyway. I think . . . I think if I’d been thinking with my head and not my dick, it wouldn’t have happened, that’s all.
“Anyway, you know I told you I don’t drink very much. Well, I did that night, ’cause I was nervous, I guess. I was worried about driving home when this big, older guy started talking to me. He was hot, or at least I thought he was with all that booze in me. He asked me to go home with him. He told me he’d take me back to my truck in the morning. I was worried enough about driving, and drunk enough, to think it was a good idea.
“So he takes me back to his place, somewhere out on the north side of Fort Wayne. Hell, considering how much he’d had to drink, it was a wonder he didn’t get stopped. Next thing I know, we’re in his bed, going at it. No problem at all, until . . . well, I said no, and he said yes. He kept telling me it would be okay, but it wasn’t. I mean, I hate to admit this, but I really was a . . . a virgin when it comes to that. I was always curious, but it had just never happened.
“I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. He just got all impatient with me and said it was supposed to hurt. I didn’t believe him, though. I knew enough to know that it would be fine if . . . if . . . you did it right. I wanted to leave, but my truck was back at the bar. I was still half-bombed, and I felt trapped. What was I supposed to do? Go out and try to find a cab? At three in the morning? You ever notice how scarce they are in that town?”
“Oh, baby,” Rick whispered, kissing Ed, rubbing his back.
“Anyway, so I tried to push him off me, but he decided I liked it rough or something, and he kept . . . well, kept pushing harder. I finally managed to knock him off of me. In fact, I pushed him so hard he fell on the floor.” Ed chuckled, remembering the satisfaction of that moment.
“I hope to hell you picked up something and bashed his head in.”
“I wanted to, believe me. I thought he’d come after me, but he didn’t. I was stumbling around, trying to find my clothes, and he sat there on the bed and called me a cock tease, a pussy, and I don’t remember what all. Told me I wasn’t a man ’cause I couldn’t take it.
“It was then that I noticed there were a lot of women’s things scattered around. It hit me that he was married, and cheating on his wife with a guy. I was so . . . so green it never occurred to me that a guy would do that. Pretty stupid, huh?”
“A lot of guys aren’t as brave as you, Ed, making the decision you made to be true to yourself. Then, not only do they mess up their own lives, but they mess up everyone else’s, too.”
“Did you ever think about getting married, to a woman?”
“No.”
“Then you’re brave, too.”
“I guess. I just knew I couldn’t do that, couldn’t hide, or at least knew I couldn’t hide it that well. So what happened when you realized he had a wife?”
“Well, at first I was just shocked. You know how I am.” Ed laughed, and the laughter felt wonderful. “I just stood there, probably with a dumb look on my face, while he’s calling me every name in the book. Finally I said, ‘Well, at least I’m not married.’
“That shut him up, at least for a moment. He started saying something about—oh, I can’t remember—something about his wife being out of town, and what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.”
“So he decided to hurt you instead, fucking bastard.”
“Yeah. Well, that all sobered me up pretty fast. I told him he was the most miserable piece of shit I’d ever laid eyes on, and told him I was going to come back later and tell his wife.”
Rick laughed. “Man! What’d he do?”
Ed felt even better, hearing Rick laugh. “Oh, he about turned green, let me tell you. He started to get off the bed, and I told him not to come near me, that I worked with my hands, and did he really want to mess with me, as mad as I was?”
“You do have very strong hands, baby.” Rick admired Ed’s hands, taking one in his own.
“I told him if he gave me twenty bucks and called a cab so I could get back to my truck, I’d never say anything to anyone. I guess he believed me, ’cause he got al
l nervous-looking. He gave me the money, called the taxi company, and I waited outside, convinced he was gonna sneak out and try to kill me—you know, so I wouldn’t be able to get him in trouble. I guess I watch too much TV.”
“No, I don’t blame you a bit. Considering what a shit he was, anything was possible.”
“Yeah, really. Well, it was early spring, and still pretty cold, at least at three in the morning. I don’t know how long I waited, probably a half hour at least, but the cab finally showed up, and I got the hell out of there.”
Ed sighed. “I got back to my truck and drove back here to Porterfield. Oh, the stuff I was thinking. I thought how a woman must feel, being raped. That’s what it felt like. I felt like a total jerk, and I . . . well, it still hurt a lot, too. Before I even got home I vowed that no one would ever do that to me again, make me feel that way.”
He looked at Rick. “And no one has, until tonight, but it didn’t hurt. It felt the way it’s supposed to feel, ’cause I knew you were loving me, not hurting me. And like I said, I love you even more now for showing me that.”
Rick rubbed his tired eyes, then smiled. “If it’s any consolation, my first time was pretty awful, too. Nothing like that, but I was young and scared, and the other guy was pretty bad at it. It took me a while to figure out the love part of it, too. I knew tonight, though, that it would be okay, because I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you right now. Being that close to you . . . damn, Ed, I thought I was gonna cry I was loving you so much.”
“Me too.”
“So, you want me to go kill this guy? I will.”
“No, he got what was coming to him. I heard later that his wife caught him with some other guy, and she sued the shit out of him. Took him for everything he had. I think he left town. He was some important guy in the city government or something, and he was ruined in Fort Wayne.”
“Well, as much as I don’t like to see that happen to any gay man, I think he got what he deserved.” Rick yawned.
“I never told anyone that story until now, but I’m glad I told you. I don’t think it’ll bother me anymore.”
“I know, baby. That’s why I wanted you to tell me.”
Ed poked him playfully. “Okay, Lucy. Do I owe you five cents now?”
Rick kissed him. “No. Just keep lovin’ me. You think you can do that?”
Ed kissed him back. “I know I can do that.”
“That’s all I want, baby, is for us to love each other so much that we can . . . can always be there for each other.” Rick looked at the ceiling, his face creased in thought. “Thing is, that some point in time, we’re gonna hurt each other. Oh, I don’t mean intentionally. I’ll do something, or you’ll do something, and someone will get his feelings hurt. I just want you to know that when I do something stupid, I still love you, and I love you too much to do something deliberate. And I love you so much that I would never, ever hurt you here, where we’re the closest we can be. Do you believe me?”
“Yes. I believe that. And the same goes for me, too.” Ed looked at Rick, who looked as though he was about to fall asleep. “Darlin’, it’s okay now. You can go to sleep. I know you’re not gonna leave me.”
Rick put his hand to his mouth to cover another yawn. “Well, if I ever do, then I’m an even bigger fool than that son of a bitch. Okay, baby. Good night. I love you, and when I get up, I’m gonna make you the biggest, best handyman’s breakfast ever, you hear?”
“I hear. I love you, too, darlin’. Good night.”
Rick was asleep in minutes, soon snoring away as he always did. Ed lay next to him, one arm on Rick’s pillow, just barely touching his head. Ed looked at him, still wondering what he had done to deserve this wonderful man who loved him so much. Hilda Penfield had said that if he gave it some thought, he’d figure it out, but right now he was too tired for that kind of thinking. He whispered “thanks” to the universe, at that moment content just to be grateful.
Making sure Rick was indeed sound asleep, Ed rolled over on his side and put his arms around Rick. He fell asleep next to the man who wanted to share not only his body, but his love and his life with him as well.
Chapter Nine
Ed was just finishing a bowl of Campbell’s soup for his lunch when he heard a knock at the front door. “Is it that late?” He dropped his spoon in the bowl. He walked to the door, and sure enough, Rick was making his usual afternoon stop.
“Looks like you got some mail today, Mr. Stephens,” Rick said, rather suggestively, Ed thought.
“Well then, why don’t you come in and give it to me?” Ed pushed the screen door open wide.
Rick walked in, dropped his mailbag, and took Ed in his arms for a kiss. Ed pulled Rick closer for another long kiss.
“Damn,” Rick muttered against Ed’s mouth. “I feel like I just came home from the war.”
Ed reluctantly pulled his lips away from Rick’s, but kept his arms around him in a firm grip. “I spent the morning messing with the Hausers’ plumbing. As far as I’m concerned, I was at war.”
“Ah, poor baby.” Rick began to touch Ed in all sorts of private places. “Sounds like you could use a break.”
He was about to kiss Ed again when the phone rang. They both glanced at it, rolling their eyes.
“Why is it,” Rick said, “that your clients always seem to call when I want you to myself?”
“God hates me,” Ed replied. “Well, at least I thought He did until a few weeks ago.” He smiled at Rick, going in to finish the kiss Rick had started.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Rick pushed him away.
“Nope. It’s just Mom.”
“Oh? How do you know that, Kreskin?”
“Because. Laurie called here earlier to bitch about her, so that’s got to be Mom bitching about Laurie. It can wait.”
“What did she do this time?” Rick asked, grinning. He loved Ed’s Norma stories.
“Well, she was over at Laurie’s, visiting last night. When no one was looking, she threw away the kids’ Froot Loops and left a box of Quaker Oats in its place. That was her subtle way of saying she thinks Laurie and Todd are giving the kids too much sugar.” Ed shook his head. “What’s she going to do next, give the kids underwear for Christmas?”
Rick chuckled. “Grandma of the year, 1980.”
The phone abruptly cut off in the middle of a ring. Ed sighed in relief. “Oh, well, she’ll call back in about fifteen minutes. I’ll talk to her when you’re not around. Now, where were we?”
“I was taking advantage of the cutest handyman in Porterfield, Indiana. But unfortunately, I still have a lot of mail to deliver.”
“Aw, crud,” Ed said, stroking Rick’s beard. “It says something about neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, but it doesn’t say anything about horny handymen. Can’t you make an exception?”
“Don’t tempt me.” Rick reached for his mailbag.
“Well, do you suppose you could come back tonight? For dinner? I’ll even cook. I’ve got some spaghetti.”
“Hmm, spaghetti. What’s for dessert?”
“You have to ask?” Ed laughed.
“Let’s see. If I get right back to this mail, I should be home in time for some serious Uncle Rick time with the kids. If I can keep them busy so Claire has a chance to rest, then get started with something to eat for them, yeah, I think I could swing dinner and dessert with my handyman.”
Ed was pleased. He knew it was a hassle for Rick to spend an evening with him during the week, so he appreciated any effort Rick was willing to make. “Six-thirty, you think?”
“No sweat,” Rick said, grabbing Ed for one last quick kiss. “Now I am definitely going back to work before I get us both in trouble.”
Ed watched Rick take off down the walk with his easy mailman’s stride. Ed shivered from the chilly air coming through his screen door and was glad Rick was clad in cold-weather gear.
“No doubt about it,” he muttered, looking at the door. “It’s time you stopped being
a screen door and became a storm door.”
He had to admit that he’d been so caught up in the whole distracting process of falling in love, he’d been neglecting the handyman duties around his own house.
He tried to put his mind on winterizing chores, but thoughts of Rick kept slipping through. He was certain the two of them were settling in for the long haul, relationshipwise, but having a man, no, having Rick in his life was still too new, too extraordinary for him to be blasé about it. Oh, he knew that day would come, but until then, he wanted to enjoy the wide-awake version of the best dream he’d ever had.
* * * * *
That evening they were seated at Ed’s kitchen table enjoying spaghetti and garlic bread. Ed, who usually burned the garlic bread, had managed to get it out of the broiler just in time that night and was feeling quite proud of himself. He reached for another piece, glanced at Rick, and giggled.
“What?” Rick looked up.
“You’ve got spaghetti sauce on your beard.” Ed giggled again.
“Oh, shit, or aw, crud, as you’d say,” Rick said, reaching for his napkin.
“Hey, wait.” Ed got up and rushed around the table. “That’s my job,” he said, licking the sauce off Rick’s beard.
“Mmm.” Rick pulled Ed’s mouth onto his. “Is it time for dessert already? Stupid beard.”
“Don’t you even think about shaving it off.” Ed grabbed the last bit of the red stuff with his tongue.
“As long as it keeps you mad with desire for me, it stays.”
“Oh, it does, it does,” Ed assured him. “Along with the rest of you.”
Ed returned to his own side of the table. Desire or not, it had been a long day, and he was hungry for the pile of pasta and sauce on his own plate. He was about to ask Rick about his day when Rick abruptly asked, “Baby, what’s your favorite movie?”
Ed, surprised at the question, sat and thought about it, then shrugged. “I don’t know. I like a lot of movies, but I don’t know if I have a favorite. Why?”
Rick reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a newspaper clipping. “Well, I do have a favorite movie, and it’s showing this weekend. Have you ever seen Harold and Maude?”