by Aileen Rose
We go outside and he sits on the ground cross – legged, laying his hands on his knees.
“Sit like me,” he orders me.
I sit beside him.
“No, my bitch. Sit in front of me.”
I do as he implies. We are face to face.
“Back straight, hands on your knees and close your eyes. Don’t speak unless I tell you to. Just listen to what I am saying.”
I obey. Closing my eyes, all my other senses get heightened.
“Tell me. What can you feel with your senses?”
“I feel the dry grass scratching gently my legs…”
“What else?”
This is more challenging than I thought it would be. It’s easy to listen, feel and experience, but I find it difficult to describe.
“The sun’s warm rays on my face, a fly on my arm…”
“Good. Now, tell me what you sense outside of you, that doesn’t have any interaction with you at all.”
“The ducks floating in the lake…Birds singing in the trees. One is above us and another replies from a distance.”
I turn my head to the lake to catch a sound.
“A dragonfly, I think…It buzzes unstable, uncertain.”
I turn my head to him again.
“Your breath…” I mutter regretting it immediately. I hear his breath? What sane person concentrates on someone else’s breath?
“Very good, my bitch. Now, I want you to distance yourself. Can you do this? Imagine you are in everything around you. You are the dragonfly and the ducks. You are the birds and the fly. You are my breath. Don’t think. Just imagine.”
I let go…And I imagine I am one of the ducks swimming nonchalantly. I can almost feel I have feathers, moist by the lake’s brisk water. Then, I am the dragonfly. I have purple, transparent wings. I transform into one of the birds, high on a tree looking for my ideal mate to celebrate life. In the end, I am his breath. I am in him. Something unexpected happens at that point. My being gets split into many individual pieces and I am everywhere. I am the trees, the ants on the ground, the white clouds. I am free.
“You can open your eyes,” he whispers.
I come back to my body and it’s like I have just been born. And the first one I see in my new life is him.
“You are so handsome.” The words slip from my mouth, like water dripping through my fingers.
He is puzzled, but at once he adopts a firm expression.
“Lesson is over. Let’s eat,” he says and now it’s my heart that is ripped to a million pieces.
Why did I have to say such a thing? Precisely when he was intimate with me after so many days. Now, he is back to being remote and enigmatic.
Calista, was what you said so horrible? Really? You only told him how beautiful you think he is. It was a compliment, not a curse.
He surely treats me like I cursed him.
After we have lunch – he lets me eat on the table – he sets out with the excuse of having to meet with some friends in the forest. I am surprised to hear that he has friends and of course I ask him if they turn into wolves, like he does. Apparently, there are many like him. Men and women. How come all these years that I have been wandering through this forest I haven’t come across any of them? Then again, I may have run into them in the past, but they were probably in their human form and I mistook them for servants that worked in nearby houses.
When night comes and he hasn’t returned yet, I am extremely worried. What if something happened to him? Or if he left forever? I should have never told him he is handsome. I pushed him away. It’s evident he doesn’t like me, let alone find me attractive. Yes, he has told me so many words that can be mistaken as words of affection and love, but he is just a teacher for me and nothing more. Thanks to my impulsive stupidity, I might have lost him as a teacher, too.
I wake up feeling rather hot. My dreams were turbulent. Him, me and smoldering desire. It is still night and he is in his animal form, sleeping on the floor by the fire. Relief washes over me and I fall asleep again.
It’s such a beautiful day. The sun is shining brightly, but there is a crisp breeze making the summer heat less intolerable. He took off before I woke up. I am deeply hurt by his avoidance. If he doesn’t want me to be here anymore, he can just say so. I don’t know how I will stand his rejection, but I just can’t endure the uncertainty anymore. I miss him so much. Every fiber of my body aches and longs for him. Yet, he is away…
I find a plain, long, white dress to wear and I go out to bask in the sunshine, until he comes back from hunting. The beauty around me serves as a means of oblivion regarding my pain. I lie under a tree next to the lake and closing my eyes, I endeavor to feel like yesterday morning, when we were together and he guided me to new, unexplored worlds.
“Calista…are you sleeping?”
“Mmmm…”
I open my eyes and he is on his knees next to me. He is so beautiful that my heart clenches. I smile against my will. It takes a lot of strength not to show my delight when he is near me.
He looks at me affectionately, like a tender dad and fondles my cheek.
“Calista! You are burning up!”
“What?”
“Baby, you have fever. Don’t you feel bad?”
Right now, no. I am flying in heaven only because he called me ‘baby’.
“No. Only a little giddy, but nothing else,” I reply.
“Let’s get you inside.”
He picks me up and I eagerly surrender my body on his sturdy arms.
“I will cook today,” he says when he has placed me on the bed. “Let me get you a nightgown to wear. You will stay in bed. Don’t you dare get up.”
I never thought that he could be so caring and tender. He fed me on the bed and kissed my forehead from time to time to see if I still have fever.
At night, my condition gets worse. I am literally burning and quivering uncontrollably. He spends the night changing wet pieces of cloth on my forehead and never leaves my side.
“Please, lie next to me,” I beg and he fulfills my wish.
He takes me in his arms protectively and I already feel better.
“My bitch…you are nothing like all the other girls. You are different,” he mutters.
“What do you mean, my Lord?” I manage to ask. My lips are dry and irritate me when I speak.
“Nothing. Go to sleep. If in the morning the fever hasn’t dropped, I will take you back home.”
No. I can’t go home. Please, Conor, no. Don’t abandon me. I love you. I wish I had the power to pronounce what is hidden in my soul. But the fever gets the best of me and I fall in a deep sleep, burdened with daunted dreams.
Mmmm…this feels so good…waking up with his body in my arms is the best cure for any disease. But…no, it’s not him. It’s the pillow I am hugging. Has he left already? There is a dim light coming from the window, so I presume it must be dawn.
He held me tightly all night, taking care of me. I faintly remember him changing the wet clothes on my forehead and washing my arms and legs to help my temperature drop.
A sensation bigger than life itself floods my lungs and all of a sudden I have the energy to do anything. I know he cares for me. His concern and affection last night reflected his love for me. The fever has completely dropped with his tender care. He is obviously my medicine. My love. I sit up smiling and biting my lip. I love this man and it’s about time I let him know about it. I need to tell him that for me he is not just my teacher, but so much more.
I put on a green knee-length dress, that matches my eyes in perfect harmony and storm outside to wait for him.
I stop when I see him sitting by the lake pensive. He looks at me with sunken eyes from the sleeplessness. He seems tired and gloomy.
Don’t worry, Conor. I am fine. Thanks to you.
“Good morning,” I greet him when I have sat beside him.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
Jeez, can’t he just greet me like a normal
person?
“I feel fine. Don’t worry.”
He feels with the back of his palm my forehead.
“The fever has dropped, but still you shouldn’t be outside. That is reckless of you. Please go back in and get some more rest.”
“Ok,” I say a bit disappointed.
“Ok? Just because you were ill, it doesn’t mean that the rules no longer apply.”
“Yes, my Lord.”
He doesn’t show any sign of contentment. Aloof as he has been all these past days.
As I get up, I am overwhelmed by my feelings.
Calista, it’s not the right time…Don’t do it.
As much as my mind struggles to contain me, my love for him is much stronger than any logic or reason.
He is staring at the lake, twisting a little twig between his fingers.
“My Lord, I…I…”
“Don’t say it.”
What? I am flustered.
“How do you know what I want to say?”
“I just do.”
“Then, why won’t you let me say it?”
“Because you are not supposed to have feelings for me.”
I am shocked. Painful, stinging tears push against my will.
“What? Why not?”
“You are not allowed to talk anymore. Go inside.”
I purse my lips infuriated. How does he dare to shut me up when I am trying to express to him my love?
“I don’t care,” I snap. “What am I doing here?”
“Calista, you are here to familiarize yourself with your true nature, which is to be a good wife. I am teaching you how to be humble, how to love and serve a man.”
“But I love a man already and I want to serve him with all my heart.”
“Calista, stop.” He is still sitting, but his eyes are on fire. I bring out the animal in him, but I don’t mind. I won’t keep on playing this game.
“We kiss, we have sex, we sleep cuddled. How do you expect me not to have feelings for you?”
“I am just someone who shows you the way to your true cravings. Nothing more.”
“Fine. Then, I guess I have learnt everything I need to know, right?”
“Most of it, yes.”
“I can go, can’t I? There is no reason for me to stay here.”
He turns his head to the lake again.
“I think it would be best for both of us. You are ready to find happiness with a man, who will be suitable for you.”
Don’t you dare cry, Calista. He is not worth it.
I press my fingernails in my palm in order to detach my attention to another pain from the one that has nested in my heart.
“Fine. I’ll go take my dress and I’ll leave.”
“You can keep the one you are wearing.”
“Thank you, but I don’t want anything that has to do with you,” I state bitterly.
He rubs his temple and doesn’t reply. His indifference pisses me off. I would prefer it if he got up, seized me and told me to shut up and punish me for my rudeness. I don’t know how to handle it, so all I can do is get irate. At him and at myself for being so naïve.
I change into the dress I was wearing the night of my engagement party and rush out to the woods. I don’t even say goodbye. It’s hard to run in this long, fluffy dress but I do my best. And then it occurs to me. I have to know. I can’t leave like this.
I stand above him, with my arms crossed, angrier than ever.
“Why? Why am I not supposed to love you?”
“Calista, just go. Don’t behave like this. Is this what I taught you?”
I breathe in so as to restrain myself and not slap him.
“Why don’t you tell me the truth?” I shout. “Why are you such a coward? Is it so difficult to tell me that you are not attracted to me? That I am just a burden you wish to get rid of?”
Before I know it, he gets up and grabs me by my arm. His angry eyes loom over me menacingly.
“You want to know why? Because you drive me insane, Calista!”
“Wh…wh..at…?”
He pulls me forcibly closer to his body.
“Don’t you understand? I am mad about you. You make my blood boil whenever you are around me. My passion for you is so excruciating that I can’t repress it.”
I remain with an open mouth and blurry eyes. A sweet pain emerges in my lower belly.
“Then, why…why do you want me to go?”
He tightens his grip around my arm.
“Because I am a wolf. You seem to forget that. I am a beast, Calista. A beast that could hurt you. And I would never forgive myself if I did harm to you.”
“You would never hurt me. I trust you.”
He snickers bitterly.
“You trust me? Baby…After all you have been through? You are so young and innocent. The other day I smelled your blood and I couldn’t control myself.”
“But you did, Conor. You had the chance to hurt me and you didn’t.”
“I could have ripped your heart out, Calista,” he yells making my tears drip down my face. “I was an animal, then. Only an animal, that driven by my passion for you, could devour you without a second thought.”
“You wouldn’t…” I say but I don’t know if I believe it myself.
“If I had killed you, I would die, too. If you stay, you will be putting yourself in danger constantly,”
“I’d rather live with you in danger than live safe with another man.”
His eyes, flooded with tears, roam around my face as if trying to capture every detail of it. I brush my lips against his.
“No,” he stops me. “Don’t. If you kiss me, I will not be able to let you go.”
“But, I love you, Conor.”
We are both crying and shuddering.
“Just go,” he whispers.
He releases my arm and bows his head. I suppose he doesn’t want to see me leave. I don’t like goodbyes either, Conor. Holding my dress up, I run into the forest, towards my way back home. Or what I thought was home.
Chapter 12
Halfway through the woods I collapse on my knees. My palms cover my face and I weep with fervid sobs that convulse my whole being. No matter how much I cry, my pain can’t be released. It’s consuming me.
I feel lost without him. Where do I go? How can I resume my past life when I am not the same person anymore? I did find what I was looking for and now I lost it for good. How will I survive this pain? I am sure I won’t. How can I possibly go on?
When I was a little girl, the Mayor’s daughter died mysteriously. They said she was swept away by the town’s river. However, I heard my parents whisper something about her fiancé, who abandoned her and got engaged to another woman. I was always prone to eavesdropping, but back then I didn’t understand what all this meant. Now, I do. She committed suicide because she couldn’t stand living without the man she loved.
I sob even harder at the thought of killing myself. No. I can’t do it. My poor parents lost me once. I can’t put them through such a torment all over again. Abandoning them without an excuse was cruel enough. They don’t deserve such a treatment. No parents do. They have been more than kind to me. They have offered me everything I could ever want and I am pretty sure they would have eventually respected my wish not to get married.
You have to find courage, Calista. Do it for your parents.
Yes, but not now. Now, I just need to cry till my eyes bleed.
I cry so hard that I am astonished when his arms envelop my body. I didn’t hear him approaching. He has knelt behind me and yanks me close to him, kissing my shoulder fervently.
“Don’t go!” he says in a desperate tone, “I love you. I am being the most selfish man in the world right now, but I need you, Calista. Please, stay. I will never hurt you. I love you too much to harm you.”
I hug my body, holding his arms firmly and turn my head backwards to meet his face.
“Conor…”
He kisses the back of my neck, my cheek and
then compels my head back, to kiss me avidly on my lips. Oh, I have missed him so much.
“Will you stay?” he asks.
“Of course, my Lord.”
He lowers my dress down my shoulders and continues his kissing path to my spine, sending me to the stars.
“You just made me the happiest man on the planet. Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“No, my Lord. I trust you.”
I exhale a moan as he keeps on kissing me. The pleasure makes it difficult for me to keep my eyes open.
“I know you are a good and caring man, even if you have been tough with me,” I go on panting, “You have led me to places no one else would ever dare to show me.”
“Is that enough for you, my baby? You are a lady…You deserve so much more than me. Than living in a hut.”
“Conor, do you think I care about where I live? Just as long as I am with you.”
“I knew it from the first time I saw you, dancing like a nymph of the forest, that you were different. You took my breath away. All the other girls were willing to learn just like you, but no one could love me. They couldn’t abandon their wealth, their servants and their diamonds for a guy like me.”
“It’s their loss and my gain. So…you liked me from the beginning?”
“Oh, if you only knew…When you escaped that morning, I was wretched to lose you. And I really wanted to make you suffer for abandoning me. But you obeyed to everything, no matter how degrading it was. And that only made my love for you grow stronger. I still hate myself for tasting your blood and raping you. I wanted you to leave, in order to protect you from my beastly side.”
“And I thought you were distant because you were bored by me…”
“Calista, what can I do to prove to you that I want you? That I belong to you just as much as you belong to me?”
“Kiss me,” I hesitantly order him.
“Oh, I will do more than that,” he says temptingly. “I have missed you so much.”