His brows raise. Eyes go wide. He blinks.
“What?” he says, licking his lips, our movements slowing to a stop in the middle of the dance floor.
I swallow, trying to keep everything in check. God, I didn’t think it would be this scary. The lyrics “words are very unnecessary” has me thinking twice as it plays out across the room.
I look away but Dex is fast, his fingers at my chin, raising my face, making my eyes meet his. “What did you just say?” he says softly as he stares at me with wild eyes. His fingers at my chin tremble slightly.
“I think I’m ready…” I begin. “No, I know I’m ready. I want to start a family. With you. Obviously. I want to have your babies.”
My lord. Why the hell did all of this sound okay in my head but the moment I open my mouth to actually tell him, I sound like a total idiot?
“This is probably coming out all wrong,” I quickly add. “I’m sorry.”
“All wrong?” Dex finally manages to say. We’re still stopped in the middle of the dance floor, and he’s still searching my eyes like a man on a mission. His hands slide back along my face, disappearing into my hair as he holds me in place. “Perry, please tell me that you mean everything you’re saying, because I’m about to take it to fucking heart. And when I take it to heart, it’s going to stay there.”
I give him a sweet smile. “I mean everything I’m saying. I would like you to knock me up.”
He stares at me incredulously for a moment before he bursts out laughing, his eyes watering, his smile so wide that it makes me feel breathless. “I don’t even know what to say. I don’t.”
“Say yes? Yes I want to knock you up?”
He laughs again, leaning in, resting his forehead against mine. “I can’t believe you want this. Do you really want this? I’ve been trying not to pressure you—I know that it’s a difficult topic for us and—”
“You didn’t pressure me,” I say quickly. “Not even a little. You’ve always given me plenty of space to come to my own decisions and…this is what I want, Dex. This is all I want, really. You and me and a baby. I want us to be a family. I want a little version of us to love.”
He’s still staring at me in awe but now something else is coming over him. His lower lip starts to tremble, his eyes about to spill over with tears.
Oh my god.
I can barely breathe as he looks away, pressing his fist against his mouth, his eyes pinching shut as tears spill down.
Oh no. Oh fucking no.
I’ve made him cry.
“Dex,” I say softly, putting my hand to his cheek, wiping away his tears with my thumb.
“I’m okay,” he manages to say, meeting my eyes. He gives me a smile that’s both embarrassed and joyous. It’s rare to see Dex cry, and it’s even rarer to see him embarrassed. “I’m good.”
“You’re crying,” I tell him. “You sure you’re okay?”
He nods, letting out a soft laugh full of awe and disbelief. “We need to get out of here,” he says, looking around the room. He grabs my hand and pulls me past the other tables until we’re leaving the restaurant like we’re fleeing the scene of a crime. I guess the only crime here is Dex having some pretty big emotions.
“What about the bill?” I ask as we grab our coats and head outside.
“They have our room number,” he says, pulling me along in a hurry down the cold, fog-strewn path to our cabin. I feel like I’m operating on pure adrenaline, my insides feeling as light and fuzzy as champagne, a sense of wonder and unknown in the air. It’s electric.
We get to our door and Dex tries desperately to get the key card to work.
“You sure you’re okay? You’re not mad? Or upset?” I ask him.
He pauses to look up at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Mad? Upset?” He comes right up to me, grabbing my face, manic eyes searching mine. “Perry. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Not just a family to call my own, a family to love, but a family with you. I fucking love you with every cell of my being and this…I can’t even process how badly I want to give you children. How much I want, need to be a father.”
He kisses me deep, so deep that I feel it in my soul, his mouth tasting like tears.
He quickly pulls away. “But if I don’t get this fucking door open, I’m going to end up screwing you right out here.”
I laugh as he frantically tries the key card again. “You know I still have an IUD. I need to get that taken out before we can start trying.” I pull my room key from my pocket and lean over him, sliding it in. The light goes green, the door beeping open.
“There’s no harm in practicing,” he practically growls.
He kicks the door open wide and grabs me, pulling me inside.
Dex is a fucking tsunami.
Before I can get my bearings, he’s slamming the door shut and then pressing me up against it, overwhelming me in every possible way. His hands tear at my clothes in rough desperation, his mouth open and seeking as he devours my shoulders, my neck, my jaw, my lips.
I’m caught in his undertow. I can barely keep up, my fingers clawing at his shirt, trying to undo the buttons with shaking hands. I end up popping the last few, the buttons scattering across the carpet.
Dex grunts in my ear and then I’m swept away, off my feet, as he pulls me away from the door, spinning me around, trying to push me back toward the bed.
The heels of my boots catch on the carpet and then I’m going down, falling backward, a cry caught in my throat. He grabs me by my elbows, breaking my fall, until we both end up on the floor together, his body over mine.
He covers my mouth with his, his kiss turning wild and unhinged, like the match burning inside him just ignited the whole damn room. It’s a kiss that makes my heart squeeze in my chest, my body fueled by the animalistic way he’s handling me.
While I’m caught between his lips and tongue, his hands urgently run down to my hips, hiking up the skirt of my dress, a groan escaping him as he realizes I’m not wearing underwear. That same hand then starts to swiftly unzip his pants, while the other goes to my throat, choking me lightly for a moment, enough for my eyes to roll back. Then he rips down the neckline of my dress and bra, exposing my breasts, my nipples immediately going hard.
I need more, faster, so much fucking faster.
He lifts his head to stare at me, his mouth wet from devouring mine, a raging fire burning in his eyes, and I know he heard my thoughts. Definitely one of the times where mindreading is an asset.
His mouth dips low, teeth and lips biting and nipping down my jaw, my neck, my collarbone, the pain sharp and torturously sweet, over my breast until he’s sucking my nipple between his lips.
I cry out, “Fuck!” But the word is strangled as he positions his cock between my legs and suddenly slams himself inside me.
Holy fucking hell!
There is no tenderness here, only savagery.
I feel like I’m being impaled, driven into the floor as he pushes in so deep my lungs are emptied of air. I’m gasping, breathless, my chest rising, then I’m wrapping my legs around his waist, my boots digging into the small of his back, holding him inside.
He moans loudly against my breast and then rises up, his hands pulling my hands up and over my head so they’re above me on the carpet. He links his fingers through my fingers, holding my hands down as he pulls out and then pushes back in, harder, deeper, filling every part of me.
I can’t even think right now—my brain turns off, and I’m so far gone inside this moment that this moment is all I can see.
“Does this feel good?” he asks me, voice breaking as he thrusts again, his mouth going to my neck. “Tell me this feels good. I just want to make you feel good.”
“Yes,” I gasp, his hips moving faster now as they rut against my hips, pure energy being driven inside me. I squeeze his hands tightly, holding on, watching the muscles in his shoulders flex and strain as his body turns into a relentless machine, fucking me hard.
So hard.
&nb
sp; And it feels too good.
But I want more. More of his weight on me, more of his cock inside me. I squeeze around him wildly, my boots going over the clenched muscles of his ass, pressing him in deeper.
“Jesus,” he swears before biting my neck hard. “You’re trying to kill me.”
I let a breathless little moan, words escaping me now as he starts driving into me at a rough, frantic pace, his thrusts turning brutal and punishing. My back starts rubbing against the carpet, burning my skin.
Dex straightens up, taking his hands out of mine, his motions fast and unrestrained as he presses a palm over my throat for a moment, until I’m gasping for breath, then slides his hand into my hair, tangling in the strands before making a tight fist.
I’m mesmerized as I stare at him, the mass of his body over mine, the urgent, wild way he fucks me, like he’s nailing me to the floor, my breasts jostling with each tight, unrestrained thrust. Then my gaze meets his, and I see all the awe and lust and emotion that keeps flashing through his dark eyes. He’s staring at me with so much intensity I feel stripped and raw and acutely vulnerable.
My eyes flutter closed, but he yanks back at my hair until they’re open again.
“Look at me, look at me, look at me,” he murmurs, breath catching, eyes wild.
I stare up at him, feeling the connection between us electrify, burning like the sun, our souls on fire.
“I want to give you everything, Perry,” he whispers to me, pinning me in place with his gaze. “I want to give you a baby, give you every piece of me, give you the whole fucking world.”
This only gets deeper for us, his thought sinks into my head. Are you ready to go deeper?
I open my mouth to say something, yes, always yes, but I’m gasping again as his fingers make their way down, sliding over my clit. I’m so fucking wet that there’s barely any friction, but it’s enough.
He lets out a low hiss, his fingers rubbing me expertly, and then everything happens so fast. I squeeze around him as if that will stop me from going over the edge.
Going deeper.
His fist tightens in my hair, causing pain to shoot through my body, my spine rubbed raw from the carpet, but that pain melts into the most overwhelming sense of relief, seconds before I come.
And, fuck, here I go.
I come so fucking hard it’s like I short-circuit my brain, my whole body quaking beneath his, uninhibited and shredded to pieces of pure chaos.
I’m screaming, yelling, shouting, and I can’t stop, it doesn’t end. The sounds just keep coming and coming.
I can’t think. I have no thoughts.
I’m not even sure I exist anymore. I’m outside my body, outside time itself.
It’s all purple here and soft and shimmering. I’m vaguely aware that Dex is still pinning me to the floor, thrusting harder, faster, until he’s shouting too, the sound filling the room, his body tight and strained as he comes inside me.
I close my eyes, letting myself get swept away to this other place. He’s there with me too, his pumping slowing, his fingers tangled in my hair, his sweat dripping onto my chest. I feel it all, feel everything.
And at the same time I feel nothing at all.
I just am.
And I’m with him.
The two of us existing beyond time.
Slowly, very slowly, the world stops spinning and I drift down through the purple waves, watching the shimmering stars disappear until I’m back on the floor of our hotel room.
“Perry,” Dex whispers, voice shaking. A warm hand goes to my cheek.
I open my eyes to stare at him, having trouble focusing on his face as it looms over me, the tip of his nose brushing against the tip of mine.
I can barely swallow, my throat feels so ravaged. “What the fuck just happened?”
He gives me a shaky smile. “I don’t know,” he whispers raggedly. “I don’t know. But I think I just saw through the fucking universe.”
I grin lazily, reaching up to brush a lock of hair off his damp forehead. “I don’t even have words. But that about sums it up.”
He kisses me deeply, then buries his head in the crook of my neck, head resting on the floor, his chest pressed against mine, our slick skin sticking together. Our lungs breathe and our hearts beat together in strange synchronicity, like we’re one person instead of two.
I run my fingers through the hair at the back of his head, falling into the same rhythm.
“My little sex witch,” he murmurs against my neck.
I laugh, my heart beyond full.
We fall asleep this way, on the carpet, with him still inside me.
We fall asleep smiling.
Ten
I wake up too early. It’s still dark outside, though the corners of the sky are coming alive, stars fading.
I lie in bed for at least an hour, listening to Dex breathing deeply beside me, sound asleep. I go over the events of last night, of how we woke up after midnight on the floor, then proceeded to get into the hot tub, where again we had some crazy fucking sex, though not as insanely otherworldly as before.
We finally went back to bed somewhere in the middle of the night and I had fitful sleep the whole time, tossing and turning. My mind just wouldn’t shut off, no matter how dazed I was from sex.
I’m still dazed, and a little sore too. My back stings and I don’t have to look in the mirror to know I’ve got rugburn down my spine, my dress providing no protection from Dex’s ruthlessness. I nearly screamed when I went into the hot tub.
Despite it all, I’m bursting with this warmth inside me, like my heart has spilled over and is filling every inch of my chest.
I told him. I finally told him.
And his reaction was more than I could have ever dreamed and hoped for.
He wants this baby as much as I do, wants to start a family together, and that is the greatest gift of all (though of course the plane tickets to Hawaii aren’t half-bad either).
Of course, we haven’t spent a lot of time talking about it, unless you count the way we communicate with our bodies. We did a lot of that.
But I wonder if he’s ever felt the fear that I feel about having the baby. Right now, that fear feels very far away. Like it was eradicated last night, the moment I opened my mouth and let Dex in to my wants and needs. Even all my other problems, like Ada, my father, Max…it all seems to belong to a different lifetime. Right now it’s just about me and Dex, and that’s it, that’s the whole damn world.
But I can’t lie in bed, staring at the ceiling forever. I feel this itchy buzz at the base of my skull, the urge to move, to do something. I get up to go pee and splash water on my face, then wonder if I can make coffee without waking Dex. The man seems like he needs to sleep for days.
I decide that the Keurig will be too loud, so I get dressed into my pajama pants and a long t-shirt, not bothering with a bra. I slip my Chucks over bare feet and shrug on my coat, making sure I have my wallet and the key card that works, before slipping outside.
It’s still early and everything is still and quiet. Even the waves have lessened, the color of worn metal that matches the grey brown sky.
I’m on the path heading toward the coffee shop I spotted in the lobby when movement on the beach catches my eye.
It’s a woman with long black hair, walking toward the waves. Above her flocks of small black birds move in synch, swooping and diving in the sky.
I stare at her, unable to move. She’s so far away but I have this inexplicable need to get closer. To really see her.
I abandon the path and walk directly onto the sand, trudging across the beach, a cold wind picking up and throwing sea spray in my face, stinging my eyes.
The woman is now straight ahead of me, walking into the surf. I realize she’s not wearing a white coat like I thought earlier, but a long white nightgown, her hair black and flowing down her back.
I should be afraid of her. There’s this tingling in the back of my brain telling me that I should feel fear
, that I need to stop walking, that I need to turn around and go back to the hotel.
But I don’t. I don’t feel anything right now. I’ve gone numb from the inside out and I keep walking. Compelled to reach this woman.
I must reach her.
It’s beautiful here. The grey of the endless beach and the infinite horizon, the depth of the sky, the grace of the birds.
And she’s beautiful. I can’t even see her face but I know she’s gorgeous through and through. An enchantress. Someone I want to be just like.
Come join me, she says, the words sifting into my brain like grains of sand. Come feel what this is like to be so coupled with the world.
“Okay,” I whisper, walking into the waves. I don’t even feel how cold the sand is beneath my bare feet, or the glacial temperature of the ocean.
I’m closer now. I notice patches of blood on the sides of her nightgown, blood that won’t wash away.
“Just a few feet more,” she says, and her head begins to turn toward me.
“Perry!” a faint voice yells in the background, a voice coming from another place.
“A few feet more,” the woman says.
Her head completely turns around, like an owl, and I find myself only inches from her now. Her eyes go black and she smiles with broken teeth, her mouth opening wider and wider and wider and—
“Perry!” A hand grabs my elbow, whipping me around so hard that I almost fall back into the surf. Dex catches me by the waist, pulling me to him.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he cries in anguish, his eyes wild with panic as he looks me over. Before I can say anything—what is there even to say?—I look back over my shoulder at the woman.
But she’s gone.
Dex pulls me out of the surf, back to the shore, and it’s only then I realize I’d taken off both my shoes and coat, leaving them in the sand.
What the hell was I just about to do?
I know Dex is thinking the same thing as he places his hands on my shoulders, peering at me, trying to calm his breathing but it’s not really working.
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