She hasn’t hurt me yet.
I can’t tell if she wants to or not.
The beautiful Samantha I saw in the apartment is gone, and I don’t know if she’s ever coming back.
Part of me knows she’s trying to reach me, trying to convince me of something. She wants to promise me things and I’m starting to fear that I might not be strong enough to ignore her promises. The other part of me knows she’s manipulative at the very least, and that the demon, the curse, is what’s really in control.
Dex doesn’t always see her, but sometimes he does.
Sometimes that makes things worse.
Like the time I woke up in the middle of the night, lying on my side, facing away from him.
I could tell there was something at the foot of the bed.
I could feel the presence.
And Dex was talking to it.
“Please stay away from her,” he’d said. “I’ll do anything.”
He was pleading with it, the agony and anguish breaking in his voice, which in turn broke me inside. I couldn’t move, couldn’t let him know I was awake.
So I just laid there, listening to him trying to reason with a malevolent shadow that wouldn’t leave until the break of dawn.
We’re both suffering.
And, as a result, the both of us need to get out of here tonight. We need to have a little fun, if that’s even possible.
To be honest, I don’t think it is. I’m too fragile, like I’m not even me anymore, like all that remains is a shell, and even that is cracking. I’m so afraid that I’m just going to give up and let her have whatever the fuck it is that she wants from me.
“There,” I tell him, my voice catching. I tug on the end of the tie and glance up at him. Even though he looks as exhausted as I do, he’s still so goddamn handsome that a few butterflies in my stomach have the strength to flutter.
“I love you,” I tell him.
He frowns, his dark eyes sparking with worry as they search mine.
I put my hand on his face, feeling the warmth of his skin mix with the cool of my palm. “Kiss me,” I tell him.
His eyes drop to my lips and he leans in without hesitation, mouth covering mine, hands going behind my head. I need the reassurance of his kiss, the way it connects us, the way his tongue claims my mouth, tells me that I’m his. Our lips move in an easy rhythm, slow and hungry and sensual, taking our time with each other. Loving each other.
I could kiss him all night.
I could do this forever with him and lose myself and it would be okay, because we would be together and nothing could hurt us. There would only be us.
I’m so scared that I’m going to lose something before it even started.
I don’t want to be scared anymore.
He pulls back, his breath raspy, rubbing the tip of his nose over mine, hands in my hair now, messing up the curls I just put in it. “Stay,” he whispers to me hoarsely. “Let’s just stay.”
I want to. I really want to.
But that’s what we’ve been doing so far.
“We promised Rebecca,” I tell him, running my thumb over his full bottom lip. “We need to go. I need to go.”
He closes his eyes and presses himself against me. “I’m hard as a fucking rock,” he practically begs, the huskiness in his voice sending shivers down my back.
“When aren’t you?” I tease, kissing him quickly. “Come on, we’re going to be late.”
He groans in frustration, running his hands down his face. I almost feel sorry for him. It’s tempting to just fall into bed with each other, but I need to get out of here.
We throw some Milk Bones on the couch for Fat Rabbit and I grab my purse and my leather jacket, slipping on my red velvet heels. Thank god it’s not snowing or raining or they would be totally ruined, and they go with my black velvet strapless cocktail dress perfectly. It’s nice to worry about superficial things.
The party is held in a bar downtown, which is walkable, but we decide to get an Uber, even though the weather is fair. We climb into the back of the car and the minute we pull away from the building, I feel a sense of relief flood through. Maybe it really is the apartment.
“I think we should put it up for sale soon,” I say.
Dex twists in his seat to look behind us as it disappears from view. “We can do that.”
I bite my lip for a moment, glad I hadn’t put on lipstick yet. “You still want everything we talked about?”
Dex slowly brings his eyes to me. “Of course.”
But there something guarded about his gaze.
I’m afraid he’s changing his mind about the baby, but I’m too afraid to press him. Not now, on the way to the party. Not anytime, really.
I think it would destroy the rest of me.
He grabs my hand, holding it. “Tomorrow, let’s find a realtor. Let’s start looking.”
I’m still feeling like glass about to shatter, but he manages to hold me together.
It’s not long until we’re pulling up outside the bar. I’d just texted Rebecca to tell her that we were close and she’s already waiting outside, waving at us happily while smoking a cigarette.
“I would kill for that cigarette,” Dex grumbles as we slide out of the car.
Normally I’d tell him no way, but considering all we’ve gone through, I think he probably deserves a pack.
“You’re here,” Rebecca says excitedly, coming over to hug me. She envelopes me in her perfume, then holds me by the shoulders, looking me up and down. “You look gorgeous. I knew that dress was going to work with you. And those heels.” She inspects my face. “You just need that red lipstick to match. You have the one you bought at Sephora?” Her eyes narrow slightly as she takes me in more closely. “Are you okay?”
I nod and manage a smile. “Yes, of course.”
“No hugs pour moi?” Dex asks, taking her attention off of me.
“Phhhfff,” Rebecca says, giving him a quick hug.
“And no compliments either?” he asks with mock hurt as she pulls away. He gestures to himself. “What about my suit?”
“It’s a black suit, Dex. I’ve seen you wear it before.”
“But I’m wearing a tie this time.”
She rolls her eyes. “You look handsome, okay? Like your ego needed to know that.” She puffs on her cigarette and blows it in his face, grinning.
For one blissful moment it feels like old times. The days before Samantha Poe and that awful house. But that moment doesn’t last. It hits me like a pile of bricks when I realize that she’s never going to go away at this rate. I’ll be lucky if she doesn’t show her face here like she did at the gym, terrorizing me in plain sight where no one can see her.
“I need a drink,” I tell Rebecca.
“And I need a cigarette,” Dex says to her.
“You’re all right with this?” she asks me as she hesitantly pulls a jeweled cigarette case out of her clutch and hands him one.
I shrug. “Whatever he wants.”
They both raise their brows in unison, Dex looking extremely intrigued. “Oh really? I wasn’t aware that was the rule now.”
I know what he’s thinking. Keep it in your pants, I tell him.
He gives me a knowing grin, like he even listens to me to begin with.
He takes the cigarette from Rebecca, classing up his image by sticking it behind his ear, while Rebecca puts hers out on the brick wall, flicking it into the garbage can.
We walk inside the crowded bar and Rebecca grabs us both by the hand, leading us to a table in the back where we find familiar faces, Seb and Dean, obviously ostracized from the rest of the party who all know each other.
Seb is still a stoner through and through, but he chopped off his ponytail recently and now has his hair short and messy. He didn’t quite make it into a suit, but at least his dress shirt doesn’t have any stains on it.
He greets us, smelling like weed, eyes rimmed red. Oh, to be Seb in his happy little world all the time. Must
be nice.
Then there’s Dean, who is looking more striking than ever.
“Are you working out, baby daddy?” I ask him as he gives me a hug, feeling the muscles in his back.
He shrugs, giving me a shy smile as he adjusts his glasses. “Not really.”
But I can tell that he has been. I wonder if it has something to do with Rebecca. The last time we went shopping together she mentioned they were trying to make it work again, though with the way she has the hots for her co-worker, I’m not sure how long that will last.
Speaking of co-workers, I look around the bar, trying to spot the striking brunette. I think I spot her in the corner, surrounded by men in suits.
I give Rebecca a look. “Want to get a drink?” I ask her.
She nods and then looks at the boys. “You want anything?”
“Jack on the rocks,” Dex says, taking a seat beside Dean. “And a beer.”
She gives him a double take. “Well then, starting off on the right foot I see.”
Seb and Dean then put in orders for beer and we’re both already regretting getting their drinks.
Rebecca leads me over to one of the open bars and we get in line.
“So, how are you?” she says to me, keeping her voice low. “And I mean really.”
I press my lips together, debating on how much to say. I don’t want to be a downer at her holiday party. “I’ve been better.”
“I know,” she says, looking at me closely. “You look tired, Perry. And I mean really tired. You’ve been ignoring my texts for the most part. So has Dex. Are you guys…?”
“Oh,” I say, realizing what she’s getting at. “We’re good. I mean, our marriage is fine, in case you’re worried about that.”
She lifts her dainty shoulder in a half shrug. “I figured maybe my birthday present shook things up too much.”
Ah yes. Her birthday present to me, a pair of leather handcuffs.
“They’re still in the box under the bed,” I say. “They’re for emergency use only. Though I must ask, do you give those to all your friends?”
“Only my best ones.” She smirks, then her expression softens. “So what’s really going on then? Is it baby stuff?”
I shake my head, though I’m not sure for how much longer that card will be on the table.
“It’s the usual,” I tell her. “Ghosts and stuff.”
“You always see ghosts, Perry. What’s different this time? You’ve even lost weight, haven’t you? Are you eating?”
“Does vodka count?” I say, only half-joking. I sigh, looking around. The two tall dudes in front of us are loud and boisterous, not paying us any attention. I lower my voice and lean into her. “Remember that woman and the monster that Lucinda saw at the restaurant?”
Her eyes go wide. “You’re seeing that?”
“Her mainly. Not the monster.” Not yet, anyway, because I know that’s coming.
She shakes her head, letting out a soft whistle. “Bloody hell. I don’t know what to say. Is she haunting you?”
I nod.
“And Dex knows?”
I give her a look. “Yes. He knows now. And he sees her too, but she doesn’t bother much with him. I don’t even know what she wants, but she definitely wants me.” I let out a bitter laugh. “Then again, they always do. Story of my life.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, making fists by my sides, nails digging into my palm. “I really don’t.”
“Are you still seeing your shrink?”
“Day after tomorrow,” I tell her, giving her a quick smile. “Don’t worry, I know I sound crazy.”
She tilts her head sympathetically. “It’s not that. I just think having more people to confide in, the better.” She pauses. “Does Ada know?”
Guilt floods through me. “No. We’re having…she’s having problems. I don’t want to burden her with my own. But we’ll see her at Christmas. I’ll tell her then. Merry Christmas, I’m being haunted.”
The line is moving quicker now, and before we know it, we’re getting everyone’s drinks, struggling to carry them all, and bringing them back to the table.
Then we sit down and drink and talk and I’m able to escape again. Rebecca and Dean tell stories about Lucinda, Seb talks about this girl he’s seeing, and Dex and I mainly stay silent, not wanting to open up a can of worms right here.
Eventually Rebecca introduces us to her co-star Claire, who is as charming and gorgeous in real life as she is on the show, then a few other people who work with her. I watch the two of them together closely, trying to figure out if their chemistry could lead somewhere. It’s hard to tell, but they seem to get along very well and they look amazing together.
Then more drinks are had, including a few rounds of shots, and everyone is getting nicely wasted. Dex goes outside a few times to smoke a cigarette while Seb gets high, and I sit back letting the alcohol sink into my bones, making my problems disintegrate to dust.
Every now and then though, I’ll feel that darkness press down on me from above, that oily black wave that wants to drown me. There comes a point where even the alcohol can’t keep that feeling away. I’m starting to think maybe the booze is making it worse, that it’s inviting my inner demons out to play.
Dex has seemed preoccupied all night too, and I can’t blame him. Sometimes he’s on his phone, distracted, or he’s staring off into space. I figure he’s just drunk or maybe he’s feeling that darkness too.
When Rebecca gets up to have a smoke, Dex goes with her outside, leaving his phone on the table. Dean is sitting across from me with Seb, laughing with him about something. I think he’s stoned too.
I’m stabbing the ice cubes in my vodka soda when Dex’s phone lights up beside me. Curiously, I glance over.
It’s a text from Daniel.
…my dad?
I pick up the phone and peer at the text before it disappears.
I saw her again. In the bedroom. Same message as before.
I frown, looking up at Dean and Seb, but they aren’t paying me any attention.
I enter in Dex’s passcode, refusing to feel guilty about it. It’s rare that I use his phone unless mine dies, and I’ve never had any sort of reason to read texts or emails or anything like that.
But I’m already feeling so fragile, so close to cracking, that seeing a message from my father is setting me off.
I go to the messages and start scrolling through the ones from my father to Dex, going all the way back to around Halloween.
I saw Ingrid again. This time on my walk. She didn’t say anything.
Today Ada saw her, but I didn’t. Ada said she didn’t say anything, just stared at her.
Ingrid appeared in my dreams last night, telling me the same. Don’t let her. I tried to yell at her but I woke up.
She was in the kitchen when I was getting my morning coffee. I almost dropped the pot. Don’t let her. That’s all she said.
Ingrid paid me a visit twice today. The first time was actually nice, it felt like she was alive again. The second time she was begging me, don’t let her. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane.
I can’t even breathe. My heart is pounding so hard I think it might just give out right here at the table. What is this? My mother appearing in front of my father? Of all people? Don’t let her? What does that mean? Why is he telling Dex this? Why hasn’t Dex told me? He’s only responded to him a few times, are they talking on the phone?
And still I scroll in horror, hands shaking.
I haven’t slept in days. I’m not sure how long I can keep this from her.
What am I not understanding? Has Perry said anything? Has she seen her too? Have you?
Don’t let her don’t let her DON’T LET HER.
I drop the phone on the table with a clatter, my hands flying to my mouth.
Seb and Dean look up at me.
“Perry?” Dean asks in concern.
I stare at him wit
h wide eyes, trying to blink, to breathe. I shake my head. “I…I gotta go. I gotta go home.”
“What happened?” he asks, while Seb reaches over and takes Dex’s phone, looking at it.
I abruptly get up, grab my coat and throw it on, then grab my purse.
I can barely stand, not just because I’m drunk, but because I’m vibrating with so much fucking rage that I can’t even see straight, like I’ve been plugged into a motherfucking volcano.
How could Dex do this to me?
How could he be having all these conversations with my father and not tell me?
My mother! My fucking mother has been haunting my father with a message? Don’t let her? What does that even mean?
Is it about me?
Of course it’s about me.
And my husband has kept this to himself all this time.
I storm my way through the bar, bumping into the ends of tables, spilling drinks, jostling hips, until I’m bursting through the front doors and into the frigid air.
Dex and Rebecca are outside smoking so I hurry in my heels in the other direction, taking out my phone, hoping to get an Uber. I just want to get in a car and go back home before I explode.
But Dex spots me, yells my name, and then I hear him running after me.
I walk fast, my eyes filling with tears, hot, venomous hate rising up inside me, like I have a pit of vipers in my stomach. I’m trying the app but it can’t seem to find me a ride and my hand is shaking so much that I can barely see the screen.
I head off the sidewalk and down a dark path through a tiny park, just a sliver of trees between buildings, when Dex grabs my arm, pulling me back.
“Perry!” he yells. “Where are you going? What’s wrong?”
I stare at him in the dim glow of the nearest streetlight, my whole body trembling, the anger rising out so hot and fast that I’m desperately afraid that I’m going to do something I’ll regret.
“You,” I manage to eke out, pointing my phone at him. “You are a liar. You are a fucking liar. A fucking hypocrite!”
I can only make out his eyes clearly in this darkness, confusion contorting them.
“What are you talking about?” he says, his grip tightening.
I rip my arm out of his hand. “I saw your phone! I saw what you’ve been hiding from me! About my father! About my mother!” I scream that last part, not caring if anyone hears. We seem to be alone in the park so far, not that people yelling in downtown Seattle parks gets anyone’s attention. “I know it all!”
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