“Dex, you say that about every pastry,” I point out.
“What can I say, I’m a man who knows what he likes.” He grins at me. “The sweet stuff.”
Don’t get weird, I warn him in my head, before he can add some sort smart ass comment about the filling or something.
We file into the kitchen where my father pours us red wine and gestures to the cookies cooling on the rack. He then checks the salmon in the oven, our traditional Christmas Eve meal. It smells divine.
I’m about to ask him where Ada is when she appears in the doorway.
I have to do a double-take.
She looks surprisingly good. I only say that because my father seems worse and she was looking awfully tired and skinny last time. She’s still skinny, and she still seems a bit tired, but she’s gone lighter on the makeup and she’s cut her hair to just above shoulder length, sleek, straight, and shiny, the color more wheat than bleach.
“Well, if it isn’t Santa’s little helper,” she says, and then I realize she’s talking to Fat Rabbit, who is desperately trying to climb up her. She picks him up, using him as a shield against hugs, and walks into the kitchen.
“When did you cut your hair?” I ask, feeling both awkward and left out of the loop. “And you had it colored. It looks really good.”
She gives me a half-smile. “Thanks. DeeBee from down the street, she took me out. She said she wanted a girls’ day or whatever. She took me to this super old lady salon and I was so convinced that I was going to walk out of there like Blanche from the Golden Girls, but actually the stylist did a really good job.” She bats at the ends of her hair. “Still shorter than I would have liked, but oh well.”
She looks from me to Dex and back to me again. “You guys look…tired.”
“We all look tired,” my father says, closing the oven door and putting the oven mitts away. “I’m sure we’re all tired.” He exchanges a quick glance with Dex.
I want to start talking now, let it all out, but I know it’s best to wait until dinner. It’s just that things are awkward between all of us now, and I hate that, and even though Ada has some wine and hangs out with us in the kitchen, we’re making small talk. Like, I don’t do small talk with my sister, ever.
Eventually though, the wine warms us over, the dog calms down, and dinner is served. We all sit around the table, a playlist of Christmas classics playing softly in the background, and after my father says grace, we start to eat.
I decide to let everyone get a few good bites in (the salmon, as always, is really good) before I start my spiel.
I look at Dex and he gives me a nod of support. I take in a large gulp of the cabernet sauvignon and then take my knife, tapping it against the glass, like I’m making a speech at a wedding.
Ada and my father, who are sitting across from us, look to me in surprise.
“I have something I want to talk about,” I say, and from the way they both tense up, I think they know what’s coming.
“Is this like the Festivus airing of grievances?” Ada asks warily.
I smirk at her Seinfeld reference, because she’s actually kind of right.
“It might seem that way, but just stay with me,” I tell her. I take in a deep breath. “Ada, I know things are really hard for you right now. I know that you love Jay and I know Jacob sent him away.”
Ada’s eyes go round, mainly because my father probably doesn’t know about any of this. And from the look on my father’s face, I know that’s true.
“Jacob sent Jay away?” he asks. “I thought he just moved?”
“Dad,” I tell him. “I’m going to say some things that are going to seem insane, but you have to just accept it as truth, okay? It’s going to go against everything you were taught at church, it’s going to go against every logical wall in your brain, but for your sake and our sake, you have to accept it.”
“Perry,” Ada hisses. “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what needs to be done. For all of us.”
She looks at Dex for support. “Dex,” she pleads.
“Just let your sister speak,” he says sternly.
I give him a grateful smile, then turn my attention back to them.
“Ada, I know that you think what Jacob did was wrong, and I think he’s wrong too. And I know how much it must suck to have to still work with the guy after he sent Jay away. I’m with you on that. I just don’t want you to keep what you’re feeling bottled up, because if I’ve learned anything lately, it’s that it can be destructive. Especially for people like us.”
“What do you mean, people like you?” my dad asks. He turns to Ada. “And how are you working with Jacob? Doing what? Did you get a job?”
Ada pleads with me. Don’t tell him.
I answer back. I have to.
“Dad, Ada and I see ghosts. And other stuff. This isn’t news to you, but I think now you finally get that we’re telling the truth. We have abilities with energy, with portals, with a whole bunch of crazy shit that we don’t even fully understand yet. We inherited this from mom, who you know was on medication to hide it, and she got it from Pippa, and we all know what happened to her.”
I’m shaking as I speak, but damn it feels good to let it out. “Ada was being trained by Jay, now being trained by Jacob, to put demons back in their place. Yes, literal demons, Dad.” I’m about to mention the big truth, that she went to Hell to get our mother, but that seems like a topic for another time. I don’t know how he’d handle it, knowing she was there, even if it was brief. Frankly, I don’t know how I handled it, but I guess that’s what Dr. Leivo meant about repressed trauma.
“I don’t believe this,” he mutters, his fork shaking. He puts it down.
“But you do believe it,” I tell him. “Because you’ve been seeing our mother regularly. You’ve been seeing her ghost.”
“What?” Ada squeaks, staring at him with her mouth open.
Now my father looks to Dex with about enough venom to bring down a horse.
“Don’t blame, Dex,” I quickly tell him. “He didn’t even tell me, though he should have. I saw your text on his phone and then I went through them all. Dex then told me what’s been going on. He kept your secret, but I have to say that you can never ask him to keep any of your secrets again, I don’t care who you think you have to protect. That’s unfair to put him in the middle. I’m his wife, he has to protect me first, he has to put me first. That’s what you’d want your son-in-law to do, isn’t it?”
He doesn’t say anything, just stares down at his plate.
“Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?” Ada says, looking between the three of us wildly.
I stare steadily at my father, hoping he’ll tell her the truth here so I don’t have to.
He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nose.
We all watch anxiously.
Finally he looks at Ada. “I’ve been seeing your mother for a couple of months now. Her ghost. At least I think it’s her ghost.”
“Wait,” she says. “You knew I’d seen her ghost. I didn’t know you’d seen her too? Why didn’t you tell me? This is huge, Dad!”
“Because she’s been trying to pass me a message and I’ve been too scared to tell you what it is.”
Ada looks at me, brows raised, and then back to him. “Well, what’s the message?”
“Don’t let her,” he says, his voice cracking. “She keeps saying don’t let her, and I don’t know who she’s talking about or what she means. I just want her to stay and talk to me, I want her back.” He sounds so small and scared that my heart breaks into pieces. “I miss her so much, girls.”
Fuck. I get up from my chair and go around the table to him, hugging him from behind his seat.
He starts to cry, which in turn makes me cry, and then Ada starts to cry. She leans over, adding to our hug. I don’t think we’ve had a big family cry like this since mom died, and it’s been long overdue. That grief doesn’t vanish, it lives with you, and it’s bee
n living in all of us, and we’ve all tried to push it away to no avail.
Eventually we break apart and I look across the table at Dex, who gives me a soft smile, his eyes wet. Still part of our family, but not wanting to intrude.
I sit back down beside him and he kisses me softly on the cheek, grabbing my hand under the table.
I think that was needed, kiddo, I hear him say.
“So what do you think it all means?” Ada asks, dabbing her tears away with a napkin. “Don’t let her?”
“She’s either talking about you or Perry,” Dex says. “And none of us can figure it out. But we have some ideas…”
I take the reins again. “This whole talk wasn’t to spoil our dinner, or to make the both of you feel bad, or to throw all your secrets in the air. It’s about me coming clean to what’s been happening in my life. There’s a lot going on, things I should be more open about. Things I need to be more open about. I can’t keep you guys out anymore. You’re Palominos. You’re my family.”
And then I launch into it.
They attempt to finish the rest of their dinner while I yammer on about the last six weeks, but more often than not, they’re both staring at me, slack-jawed. I tell them everything, from my depression, to my therapist, to wanting a baby, to Samantha and her demon, to Atlas and Harry and filming again, to Dex’s possession (minus the sex part)…everything except Maximus, and that’s only because I need to talk to Ada about that alone.
When I’m finally done, my throat hurts from talking, my pulse is racing, and I finish the rest of my wine with trembling hands.
Neither my dad nor Ada know what to say. I just piled a dump truck full of information on them.
“So,” Dex says, clearing his throat. “Perhaps Ingrid’s message was about going into the house. Don’t let her go into the house. Or maybe it was don’t let her get pregnant. Or maybe it was don’t let her keep things bottled up inside. Or maybe it’s don’t let Ada continue to screw Jay, and if so, problem solved.”
My father blinks at that. Ada looks less than pleased.
“We don’t know,” Dex continues. “And until she gives us something more concrete, we can’t know.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know why you Palomino women are always so vague.”
“Well, I don’t know what to do with that,” my father says, adjusting his glasses. “She’s so…adamant. It’s terrifying.”
“But until she clears it up, we can’t do anything,” Dex points out. “We’re not mind readers here.” He glances at me. “Well, you are.” Then he looks at Ada. “And maybe you are…”
“There’s a reason though that she’s going to you, Dad,” I tell him. “Don’t you think? If it was really about me or Ada, and she wanted to keep us safe, don’t you think she’d appear to us?”
“Yeah,” Ada says. “I saw her, but she didn’t say anything to me. It was just for a second but she could have tried. She didn’t.”
“Maybe it’s not even her,” Dex says quietly, running his long fingers up the length of the wine glass.
We all ponder that for a moment.
“Well, it doesn’t really matter,” I say. “All we can do is just move on and hope that at some point the truth will come to light. None of us can stop living over this. And Dad, that means you have to stop worrying.”
I pause to have a sip of water. “Ghosts, even ghosts of the people we love the most, they aren’t like us anymore. They can’t always communicate in the same ways that they once did. You should have seen how Pippa first appeared to me, scared the crap out of me. I think we just need to take this as it comes.”
Silence settles over us like snowflakes. We’re all lost in our thoughts.
When dinner is over (though honestly no one ate very much thanks to me) we do the dishes and then retire to the living room to stare at the presents and the Christmas tree. Ada serves us all mulled wine with cinnamon sticks, my dad puts on A Christmas Story as is the tradition (he loves that damn lamp), and we settle in for a cozy night, candles lit, lights twinkling.
About half-way through the movie, Ada calls me into the kitchen to help her with something.
“What is it?” I ask, looking around. The kitchen is a mess, flour everywhere. She’s really turned into a Suzy Homemaker.
“I thought maybe you’d help me decorate the cookies,” she says, sliding a sheet of freshly baked sugar cookies toward me. “These are for tomorrow.”
“Sure,” I say, and she hands me a piped bag of frosting.
“Listen,” she says, while I feebly attempt to decorate. This is not my strong suit. “I’m really sorry you’ve been going through all of that. You should have told me.”
I give her a quick smile. “You have your own problems, Ada. I didn’t want to add to them. But yes. I should have told you. And I will next time…”
I stare at her so she realizes it’s her turn to say the same.
She laughs softly. “Yes. I should have told you too. I should have opened up, but honestly, it’s just…I feel stupid. It’s embarrassing. I can’t believe that Jay would just…leave me like that. He left me, Perry. He listened to Jacob, picked him over me.”
“You knew that might happen…”
“I know. I know, but I didn’t want to believe it. I love him. I really do and I thought he loved me. But he fucking didn’t.”
She swallows hard and I go over to her, putting my arm around her shoulder. “Hey. Maybe he did love you. He sure acted like he did. I know he’s hard to read to an outsider, but even I could tell that he cared about you a great deal.”
“But not enough.” She pulls away, sniffing.
“He’ll be back though, won’t he? That’s what Jacob told me.”
“Jacob lies,” she says. “I fucking hate him.”
Perfect segue.
I fold my arms. “What if I told you that you could do something that would really piss him off. And that you would have to go behind his back.”
Her eyes go bright. Now I have her full attention. “What are you talking about?”
“All that I said earlier, I left something out. Something about the house.”
“What?”
“Maximus is in that house. He’s back.”
“Maximus!” Her eyes nearly fall out. “He’s alive?!” she squeals.
“No. No, he’s dead. But he’s back.”
She frowns. “Like a ghost?”
“I don’t know what he is. He’s more than a ghost, he’s very physically real, but we have an opportunity to pull him out of the Veil, out of that house. For good. Dex and I can’t do it, and we can’t get a hold of his ex, Rose, who would have been able to help. But you can do it.”
“I can?”
I nod. “I talked to Jacob about it. When I was here last. Jacob went into Hell and pulled Maximus out, but he could only get him as far as the Veil, in that house. I don’t know why he couldn’t do the rest, but when I asked if you could, he said you weren’t ready, and he also said he wouldn’t do it. To me, it sounded more like you were ready, and he just didn’t want you helping.”
“I can’t believe he said that,” she seethes, biting on her lip, her eyes flaring. “And didn’t even give me the choice!”
“Well, Maximus thinks you’ll be able to do it, no problem. And my witch…doctor…she said you should be able to as well. You went to Hell to get Mom, you can easily do this. We all have faith in you.”
“And you’re just letting me?” she asks, brow cocked.
I chuckle. “I’m not saying I want you to do this, but I know I can’t stand in your way if you choose to do so.” I pause. “Do you think you can do this?”
She breaks into a wide, sassy grin. “Perry, you have no idea what I can do.”
* * *
Christmas arrives the next morning, right on time.
There’s no snowfall here in Portland, but there’s a thick layer of white frost on the lawn that looks just as pretty.
We all get up slowly, and make coffee spiked w
ith Baileys, have a big breakfast, then gather around the tree in our pajamas and slippers and house robes, opening presents. Christmas music plays, the house is warm, everything feels perfect for once. I have my loved ones, my family, and we’re all safe in this moment.
Like that darkness inside me lifts just a little, just enough to let the light in.
And when the day turns into night, Ada, Dex, and I start making plans.
Twenty-Two
“Can we go to the bar after this?” Ada pipes up from the backseat. “I brought my fake ID.”
I eye her in the rearview mirror. “Why don’t we play this by ear? You sure you want to go to a bar looking like Catwoman?”
She smiles like that’s a compliment, even though I think she was going for more Buffy than anything else. She’s wearing a black body suit with black yoga pants, with giant black Prada combat boots (of course), her hair pulled up off her face in a twist bun. She’s also added extra smoke to her smoky eye, creating these wings with her eyeliner that nearly reach her temple.
She looks older than her age, and her outfit leaves nothing to the imagination. I’m having one of those moments where I realize my little sister is all grown-up.
And despite everything that’s been happening with her and Jay and my father, tonight she’s lit up like a firecracker. She has been ever since I told her about rescuing Max. She’s treating this like not only is it her life’s mission, but that she’s being the ultimate rebel. Perhaps she is.
We left Portland this morning, the day after Christmas, telling our dad that she was going to come stay with us for a few days. I think we both felt bad about leaving him alone, but Uncle Al and the boys were going to drop by for dinner. Normally we would stay for that since it’s been a long time since we’ve seen them, but we’re all itching to get this over with.
Then we got back to the apartment and I sent Ada on an errand to keep her busy, so that Dex and I could have some privacy.
And by privacy, I mean sex.
It’s the only way I could get him to possess me again. We both know there’s no way I would get in that house again unless he’s inside me, and thankfully this time we didn’t have to delay any orgasms or do any blood rituals (thank god, because the cuts are only just starting to heal on me). No, it was a quick hard fuck, made with intention, and it did the trick.
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