The Complete Roderick

by John Sladek

  ‘And I found this here box of joke cards, pictures of hearts and stuff, and little people with tabs on ’em you wiggle ’em and they move.’

  ‘Valentines …’

  ‘Yeah, like one’s got this dog with a heart in his mouth, you wiggle the tab and he jumps up and down it says, “I’ll bark and whine Valentine and dog your footsteps till you say you’re mine”.’

  She seemed lost in a dream. ‘Pa gave me one once, nothing but a slip of paper with a formula, a cardioid …’

  ‘Hey this heart thing do you think if maybe I got one of them mechanical hearts like I could do these easy payments do you think …?’

  ‘Pa, it looks like there’s some big story you know? Behind all these little stories.’

  Pa had just come in from the snow, coughing and cursing as he emptied out his sack of junk on the work-bench. He could not answer until he’d sat down, unbuckled his over-shoes, and wheezed a while. ‘What big story, son?’

  ‘I don’t know, but like I can’t pledge allegiance because I ain’t got no heart, any heart, and this Tin Woodman in Oz can’t marry this girl too because for the same reason. And in this other Oz story there’s this Tin Soldier without a heart too, and in this other story this Tin Soldier melts into a heart, I mean who wants to marry an old flag but all the same if I had a heart –’

  ‘Slow down, slow down. Been thinking myself about what you need. It’s not a heart, it’s legs. This is no good, you staying in every time it snows like this.’ Pa got his coat off and rolled up his sleeves carefully. ‘Anyway, I gotta try something, rig some –’

  ‘Pa were you ever in Oz?’

  ‘Nope. Why?’

  ‘Well because I worked out here, P is the letter after O, and A is the letter after Z, so I thought maybe somehow you changed it – and then you got this box I seen it somewhere it says Tin Soldier on it, so I just –’

  ‘Tin –? Tin solder, boy, not soldier. No i in it.’

  ‘Yeah but it melts down just like – anyway your name is Wood, you can’t … Wood, that must mean something.’

  Pa stared at him and started to grin. ‘Well I’ll be God damned! Codes and secret – at your age! Well, doesn’t that just take me back, must be years since I dazzled my own brains with – Hah!’

  ‘Yeah well there’s more. See, I worked out where this Oz must be, because see at school I learned Pennsylvania is PA and New York is NY see Oz goes right in between,’ and he sketched it on the wooden work-bench:

  ‘See, there must be this place between New York and Pennsylvania this Oz-zone. I thought maybe I oughta go there because I’m the tin Wood boy because I could see this Wizard –’

  ‘But there isn’t any wizard.’

  Roderick thought for a moment. ‘Okay, then I could see this Mr Baum that wrote the story, I looked up his name and it means Wood too, boy, you can’t tell me all that doesn’t mean nothing, anything!’

  Pa made sure he was not holding a soldering iron before scratching his head. ‘Well, son you see if you look hard enough, you can prove just about anything. Now take this L. Frank Baum, okay his last name means tree, just about the same as Wood, so what? What about the rest of his name. Frank could mean French, does that mean your Oz is in France?’

  ‘Yeah but it could mean honest, then it has to be true.’

  ‘But stories are never honest, are they? That’s the point. Anyway the man’s first name is Lyman.’

  ‘Lie-man? Aw gee, no fooling? Then it’s just nothing!’

  ‘Wouldn’t say that, son, thinking is a good way to spend your time even if –’ But the little machine had already buzzed out of the room. Pa could hear the whine of its motors all through the house, rising above the sound of Ma’s voice on the telephone.

  ‘Well I just figured with all the money we paid on that policy there’d be more … Yes, I said we’d take it, yes just send the cheque straight to the Frobisher Custom Electronic Specialties Company of Omaha, yes all of it … No, Frobisher. Like the pirate, F-R-O …’

  Old folks were real hard to get along with sometimes. Like they were all the time talking about money, getting out all these bills and spreading them over the dining-table just to look at them while they talked about money. What was he supposed to do all day? Sit around looking at their dumb wedding picture – it sure was Ma and Pa all right, but they must of changed a whole lot since then – or just listen to them talking about bills for electronic stuff and the adoption and Pa’s cough, and for all the special materials Ma needed for this ideal head, that wasn’t going to be no more use than the little legs Pa was making.

  ‘Go on, try ’em out, son.’

  ‘It feels pretty high, what if I fall over?’

  He hated the little legs, all they were good for was stumping around in the snow until his battery went flat. But Pa was proud of them, and you had to humour old folks.

  Roderick wore the new legs when Ma took him along to see Mr Swann.

  ‘My, haven’t we grown, heh heh, just take a seat there kid, read your comics while Mrs W. and I get down to business. Now Mrs W. you may recall I said this wouldn’t be easy, and it won’t be. Not much hope of finding a precedent, you see, not in the legal adoption of an artifactual, um, person.’

  ‘Sorry!’ Roderick’s feet made a loud clattering sound as he got down from his chair. ‘Sorry!’ He stumped over to the window.

  ‘In fact it er can’t really be considered a person at all, a person in law I mean, not as things stand. Better to just establish a trust, call it a pet and leave everything in the hands of trustees, funds delegated to the ah care and feeding and so on. But no, I see that doesn’t appeal to you, heh heh, we country attorneys get pretty good at reading faces, see the pet idea upsets you, right?’

  The Christmas decorations were up all along Main Street. In fact they had been up since September and would remain until January 2, when the Easter stuff went up. People bustled back and forth across the street, loading their cars with presents and holly and squashed-down trees and cases of bottles. If Roderick put his head to the pane he could hear music.

  ‘So even if you don’t like the trust arrangement now, keep your options open, Mrs W., keep it in the back of your mind because my guess is in the long run it’ll be the cheapest, most direct way. Of course the first thing there would be to establish ownership, right? You need your bill of sale or your deed of gift, otherwise the real beneficiary of the trust might turn out to be anyone who could establish prior ownership, prior to your possession through say loan or rental, they would of course be entitled to all monies accruing to their rightful property including any or all interest devolving upon it, from any trust or estate.’

  O come all ye faithful!

  Come to Fellstus Motors!

  Trade-ins are guaranteed

  You bet your life.

  ‘See you’re still not too stuck on the idea, so just let me point out to you a few of the substantial tax benefits, such as depreciation under the Class Life Asset Depreciation Range System, assuming Roddy here was put into service after January I, 1971 which of course it was, I can see by just looking that this is an expensive piece of machinery that – No, okay, right, I’ll stop trying to sell you on that idea.’

  The cars were all caked with dried mud, the people all looked squashed down and, for all the bustle, no one was smiling.

  Come in and see us

  We can work out so-omething

  ‘Well the easiest way to make Roddy a person in law is to just incorporate it – him, I mean – under the laws of maybe the Virgin Islands, that way no need to go into his antecedents not in the Virgin – but no, I see you’re thinking of going all out and trying to prove it in court, that Roddy is albeit artifactual – a ward of court? Sure but first there’s this really tricky – this unprecedented – it’s like this: we can argue that its, his inventors began with a living body person in law and that it then underwent extensive replacements. Only one precedent there, case of a knife without a blade which had no handl
e if you know what I mean.’

  O come let us advise you

  O come let us surprise you

  See what your money buys you

  A price

  you can

  afford!

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Roderick. ‘A knife without a blade which had no handle?’

  Mr Swann smiled at him but continued. ‘See, this Supreme Court case, St Filomena’s Hospital versus Mann. The Mann family contending that the hospital had replaced so much of their daughter’s body that she was no longer legally their daughter so they could refuse responsibility for the hospital bill. Plaintiff arguing though that the continuity of certain well-defined functions – anyway the case established the principle that with functional continuity, total cell replacement would be acceptable without jeopardizing legal identity, that is for insurance and tax purposes. So far of course we have no precedents regarding brain replacement, but if we argued that if it was replaced a bit at a time, say the right frontal lobe then the left then the right something else and so on, see the key is functional continence, continuance, continuity. So we say Roddy here is just some kid who’s undergone a whole-body prosthesis, more or less, and … but I ought to warn you, this could run into money.’

  Ma stood up. ‘It already is, Mr Swann. Every time I come here you tell me some new complication, some new wrinkle – last time it was what if the court considered him an unauthorized data bank, publisher demanding payment every time he reads a library book, and would we be allowed to show him any copyright material without prior consent, was it?’

  ‘Hey, but mister what about that knife with –’

  ‘Very good, Mrs W., I did go into that but only in connection with the possibility of setting him up as a literary property like a comic book or a sheet of music, abandoned that avenue didn’t we on account of the fifty-year reversion to the public domain but don’t –’ He had to shout the last as she and Roderick left, ‘Don’t worry Mrs W., we’ll explore every possible ave –’

  Roderick continued thinking about that knife.

  *

  He was still thinking about it a few days later when Pa took him along to Dr Welby’s office.

  ‘Good to see you, Pa, looking better eh? Good, good. Any more trouble from the old, eh? No? Good, good. Now let’s just listen to the, ah. Very good. Just wish all my patients your age had half as much, er. ahm. Eh?’

  Pa said, ‘Well this cough is worse, and I can’t seem to sleep, doc. Them pills you prescribed seem to –’

  ‘Uh-oh? Side-effects! Still, not abnormal in these cases. Thanodorm often starts off like that, supposed to make you sleep only at first keeps you wide awake, eh? But it’s working, it’s just taking hold.’

  ‘Fine, only it ain’t Thanodorm, it’s Toxidol. That’s what it says on the bottle.’

  ‘You give it another week, then if you don’t sleep like a baby, okay fine, I’ll try Toxidol. Didn’t know you were familiar with that, Pa, hardly ever use it myself.’ Dr Welby beamed over his platinum-rimmed glasses. ‘Gets so a doctor has a heck of a time keeping up with his patients, eh?’

  ‘No but doc, I’m taking Toxidol right now. You were the one who –’

  Welby stopped smiling and pushed a button on his desk. ‘Pa, just ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”’

  A woman in white rushed in. Dr Welby said: ‘Jean, Mr Wood has just admitted to me that he’s taking medication not prescribed by me. Toxidont, make a note of it.’

  ‘Toxidol,’ said Pa.

  ‘Make a note of that, too. Can’t be too careful in case of any malpractice hassles later, eh?’ The woman rushed out.

  ‘Malp – no, doc, listen I –’

  More beaming over the platinum. ‘Pa, do yourself a big favour, eh? Just stop. Throw away this medication wherever you got it, throw it out. Otherwise I’ll just have to call it quits. Will you promise to throw it out?’

  ‘Sure, but –’

  ‘No buts. Just promise me. Hell man, you don’t know what you might be taking there, this Taxiderm could be lethal. I kid you not.’

  ‘I – I promise.’

  ‘Gooood. Good. Knew I could depend on you. Together, Pa, we’ll lick this condition of yours – the haemorrhaging, the dandruff, the works – eh? Just throw away all the junk you’re taking, the Taxicob and all the rest of it – and stick to the stuff I gave you. And Pa? Trust me.’

  They went out on Main Street, where the recorded carollers were just finishing ‘Noël Noël Noël Noël, Get an extra six-pack ’cause you never can tell …’ and into Joradsen’s Drug where old Mr Joradsen said:

  ‘Merry Christmas, Pa. But get that thing out of here, no pets.’

  ‘Well he –’

  ‘No pets! Not my rule, it’s the law!’

  So Roderick waited outside, listening to a local version of Handel’s Messiah and to the comments of passing shoppers.

  ‘Never oughta allow a thing like that out in public!’

  ‘… and not even tied up …’

  ‘Makes you sick just to look …’

  The sky seemed to be pressing down on the low roofs of Main Street. Handel without words without meaning. Okay, it worked, it might work if the knife lost its blade and you put on a new one, and then it lost its handle – but suppose you had two knives and you switched handles, were they still the same? Or did whatever it was that made them themselves go with the handles? Do you switch handles or switch blades?

  ‘Hey Rick boy, you nuts or something? Standing here talking to yourself about switchblades …’

  ‘Oh hi, Chaunce. No I just, I was just thinking out loud.’

  ‘My old man would buy me a switchblade any time I asked him, you know? Like two feet long! Hey you know you really blasted that old school computer boy, they can’t even take roll any more. No tests, no nothin’, it’s great. I owe you one, pal.’

  But when his gang showed up a minute later, Chauncey seemed to change his mind.

  Pa found Roderick lying in front of Virgil’s Hometown Hardware, one of his new legs broken.

  ‘Scrapping again? My boy –’

  ‘I’m sorry, Pa. We were playing Ratstar, you know like the movie, and I was the alien see, Mung Fungal –’

  ‘Okay, okay.’ Pa lifted him up so that he could see the display in Virgil’s window: axes, hunting knives, hammers and handguns arranged in the shape of a Christmas tree, with a tinsel message hanging above: TO MEN OF GOOD WILL.

  ‘Reminds me,’ Pa chuckled. ‘Gotta see Swann about makin’ my will.’

  XV

  SOME LAWS OF ROBOTICS (II)

  Robots can think and smell and hear and talk.

  They’ve got metal minds.

  My robot is a lady companion robot and it’s a maid

  and it goes out and does the shopping for a man.

  My robot is an electric robot and it exterminates

  people. A robot is a man’s companion. They keep

  their master company and take orders from him.

  It must be an awful life being a robot because all

  you do is take orders.

  Robots are always men … If I had a robot I wouldn’t

  even have to think because he would do everything for me.

  Pupils at Rhyl Primary School, London

  ‘EEEEEEP!’

  ‘Hold it a minute, son.’ Pa made an adjustment with a screwdriver. ‘Now try.’

  Roderick moved his hand once more into the candle-flame. ‘Eeep. Blip.’ He jerked it back. ‘Pa, I don’t think I like this pain stuff. I know you said it was for my own protection and all but – ouch! – I still don’t – ow! – don’t like it.’

  ‘You’ll learn how to handle it, Roddy. Everybody does. Or maybe they don’t, who knows? All I know is, we gotta find some way of keeping you out of fights. You don’t understand now, but you will.’

  Ma came in wearing one purple glove. ‘Ready, son? We’re going to see your new school.’

  ‘Aw gee.’ Roderick slid down off the work-
bench, feeling the thump when his feet hit the floor. ‘Ow, I mean how come I gotta go to Holy Trinity? That’s where all the catlicker kids go. Chauncey says they all got webbed feet!’

  ‘They don’t,’ said Ma. ‘Chauncey Bangfield told you a lot of things that weren’t true, didn’t he?’

  ‘S’pose so.’

  ‘He told you his father was a famous astronaut, instead of a fat bald real estate agent.’

  He decided to repeat no more of Chaunce’s dark warnings. Holy Trinity School was an old brick building next to the cemetery, where every Saturday they put up a sign, Nearly New Sale, Bargains Galore, Bring the Family. Chaunce said the sisters went out every night and robbed the graves to get bones for their weird rituals, ‘mass’ and all that. Everybody knew there were mass graves, like the ones on the news in Ruritania.

  Roderick said nothing more until they were standing before the dark building. ‘Wow!’ he said.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Chauncey said they had a guy nailed to the wall – wow!’

  ‘It’s just an emblem,’ she said. ‘Kind of a well, a good-luck charm. Come on.’

  The school was dark inside and smelled of floor-wax. A frail old woman in black got up from her knees with difficulty to greet them. ‘I’m. Sister. Mary. Martha,’ she said, wheezing. ‘You. must. be. Mrs. Wood. You’ll be. wanting Fath. er O’Bride.’ She directed them upstairs to a door with another strange emblem: a white-and-red circular picture of a satanic tiger, with the name ‘Holy Trinity Hellcats.’

  Roderick had seen Fathers in movies before: they wore long black gowns and white collars, and when they weren’t singing ‘Going My Way’ they were taking cigarettes away from kids and saying God’s an all-right guy who’s on the level.

  Father O’Bride wore a sweatshirt with the sleeves torn off, a fishing hat covered with hooks, bright plaid trousers. His feet, in sneakers, were on the desk, waggling as he talked on the phone. His free hand twitched a fishing-rod.

  ‘Oh uh sit down, sit down. With you in a minute. Yeah, Charlie, I’m still here. And I still don’t like the sound of that price. Listen, I know wholesale on basketball jerseys, and I know a fat markup when I … Overheads for, cripes, what overheads? The things are seconds, you and I know the factory practically pays you to haul … yeah well don’t talk to me about middlemen, I still work it out at two-twenty-four less discount, yeah okay, plus state tax … yah?’