by Cecy Robson
His stance solidifies, assuring me he’s listening and that he understands what goes unsaid. “I’m not my father,” he tells me.
“I know you’re not,” I answer quietly. “Jealousy is an unintentional emotion. But when you feel it, you need to pause before your actions lead to something you’ll regret.”
He bows his head, thinking through the situation and maybe a lot more. But when he meets my face, only one thought comes through. “I would never hurt you,” he promises.
His lips meet mine. The way he kisses me isn’t like a man trying to insert his alpha-ness or stake his claim over his woman. It’s sweet, and loving, and so very sexy.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers against my lips.
“Thank you,” I reply.
I turn when I realize we have company. At the top of the steps, there’s my sweet girl, Tamira, and a group of her friends, eyeing Salvatore with their mouths dangling open.
I point to my feet. “It’s the shoes,” I mouth.
Salvatore slides his hand against my lower back and leads me to the lot. “Come on. I’ll follow you home.”
“You don’t have to, love.”
He frowns. “Yeah. I do.”
Maybe he does. Sal is a rough and “I’ll break you in half” kind of man, but this side, the one that wants to ensure I stay safe, is the one I most cherish.
“What time do you think you’ll be ready for dinner?” he asks me.
I pull the keys out of my coat pocket when we reach my car. “By seven at the latest. Why? Are you hungry?”
“No, I just―pack a bag, okay? After dinner I want us to head back to my place.”
“All right,” I say, even though that’s what we’d planned.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, when he grows abruptly silent.
For a moment all he does is stare blankly at the row of houses across the street. “What do you think about moving in together?” He does a one shoulder shrug when I grow quiet. “We can get a bigger place. Maybe even a brownstone.”
I should be losing my mind based on the level of commitment he’s offering. Yet, I don’t, realizing this isn’t something I can give him. How do I explain that it has nothing to do with him or us, and everything to do with my upbringing and beliefs without scaring him?
“It’s not something I can do,” I answer truthfully.
“Why?” he asks.
“I’m old-fashioned in that respect,” I carefully explain. “I don’t believe in living with someone until I’m married.”
He leans back on his heels, squaring his jaw. “Marriage” evidently affects him the same way moving in with him affects me. “I’m not asking for that,” I clarify. “I know it’s something you’re not ready for. But, Sal, neither is me living with you.”
“We practically are now,” he reminds me.
“That’s different.”
“All right.” He bends to kiss me, although he doesn’t seem happy. “I’ll see you in a few.”
He waits for me to slip into my car and start it before stalking away. He wants me to live with him and feel close to me. But why does it seem like sometimes he wants to keep me so far away?
Chapter Sixteen
Salvatore
More snow drifts up and into my face. Sleigh rides aren’t my thing and this is why. Aedry giggles beside me in that cute way she does and lifts her chin to kiss my cheek.
“This is fun, isn’t it?” she teases.
“Yeah. Fun,” I respond, working to keep my face hard.
She laughs and snuggles closer. She knows me well enough to guess I’m having a good time. It bothers me, to some extent, that she can see past my steel exterior. What bothers me more is how much I’ve lied to her.
The shit I’ve been dealing with has made me more of a liar than the man I’m trying to be for her and my brothers. It’s one of the reasons I agreed to this trip. Out here, far from the city, it’s like the life I’m leading doesn’t exist and like the danger I breathe in and out is nothing more than pollution skimming along the New York skyline. I want this time for us. It connects me to that human side I all but lost before she came along.
Christ. How is it possible for a woman to make me feel this way in such a short period of time? As if reading my thoughts, she curls against my body like she belongs there, reminding me of the little things she does to make me feel like I’m the most important thing in this fucking world. I kiss the top of her head, she draws my affection as easy as that.
Gianno and Apollo turn from where they’re seated in front of us, both smirking. “Pussy,” Gianno mouths to me.
I lean forward and shove his head. “Behave,” Aedry insists.
“I am,” I say, the corners of my mouth lifting when Apollo cracks up. “He’s still breathing, isn’t he?”
The sleigh slows to a stop in front of the barn where our excursion through the snow-covered hills first began. I hop out and help Aedry out. Two teenaged girls edge closer to the sleigh, lured by the sight of my brothers. Gianno and Apollo are growing up fast, their faces and developing muscles earning them second glances from young women everywhere we go. Aedry doesn’t like it. But my brothers do.
“Hey, baby,” Gianno says. “What’ve you got beneath that bonnet?”
Aedry slips from my hold, dragging my brothers forward. “Don’t make me kill you in front of all these witnesses,” she tells them, putting as much distance between them and the girls as she can.
I follow behind them, chuckling into my fist as my brothers gripe about Aedry destroying their chances at finding a nice Amish girl.
She ignores their comments, leading them past that man we met when we came in, the one who breeds Labrador Retrievers. As much as she’s fussing over my brothers, I don’t miss the way she glances at the dogs by his side. They wag their tails, remembering her, too, and probably the way she fell all over them when she stopped to pet them. The dogs are from a champion line and weren’t for sale. I asked the man for his card when she slipped into a small tent that sold spices and he mentioned he breeds them.
I know she still misses her dog, the one from her childhood. With the way my brothers went nuts over the dogs, I’m thinking about buying her one and having them help her take care of it. Gianno could use a running partner and Apollo could use something to keep him out of trouble and make him more responsible.
I’ve never wanted a dog, but if it makes Aedry happy . . .
Shit. Gianno’s right. I am a pussy.
I catch up to them as they reach a stand selling potato pancakes and soup. “Be respectful before you get us chased out of here by men wielding pitchforks,” she tells my boys when they return the smiles of yet another group of girls who pass them.
“I’ve got this,” I say, when she reaches into her purse and pulls out her wallet.
She crinkles her brow. “This day was supposed to be my treat,” she protests.
I shake my head. “You don’t pay for anything when I’m around,” I remind her.
“That’s how it should be, miss,” the old man at the stand says when Aedry tries to argue. “It’s only proper for a good man to take care of his lady.”
I wouldn’t call myself a good man. But I would call Aedry one fine lady.
The man fills four giant bread bowls with rich stew, its thick and hearty scent instantly making my mouth water. I take my and Aedry’s servings, following my brothers as they plop down on one of the outdoor benches. The sun’s out today and even though it’s only about twenty-eight degrees, I can’t deny it’s a beautiful day. I’ve never been out to the boonies of Pennsylvania, except once to bury a body (yet another of Vin’s mistakes), but we won’t go there. Not today.
Out in the country, it almost seems like life is too good to be true. Everyone here greets us with a smile, a “yes, sir” or “no, sir,” appearing to mean what they say and how they come across. It’s strange for a city boy like me to find peace here, but if there’s such a thing as heaven on earth, I find it here among the
quiet surroundings, the snow-covered trees, but mostly the company.
Apollo and Gianno wolf down their food like they haven’t been stuffing their faces all day, before diving into the potato pancakes and homemade applesauce like they’re starving. “Can we get some of this stuff to take home?” Apollo asks, pointing to his food. “And maybe a couple of those fresh pies we passed, too?”
“Of course,” Aedry says, sighing when I shoot her a look that lets her know no way is she shelling out the bills for it. “You’re impossible, you know that?” she tells me, leaning in to kiss my cheek.
I tilt my head so she meets my lips, making her grin. My brothers take it as their cue to leave, stopping only to toss their garbage in a rusty old barrel. I expect her to call to them to not wander far, or to ask them if they need any money, that’s what she always does. Instead, she keeps her focus on me, her large blue eyes shimmering with a sense of sadness that makes me frown.
I stroke her face. “What’s wrong?”
She opens her mouth as if to deny that anything is, only to quickly close it and briefly glance away. “Can I ask you something?”
I already don’t like where this is headed, but she doesn’t give me a chance to respond, forcing the words out as if she’s afraid to speak them. “Why won’t you make love to me?”
I drop my hand away, returning to what remains of my lunch. “Salvatore,” she begins.
“You want to discuss this here?” I ask.
My excuse that we’re in a public place is a pathetic one at best. There’s no one near us. Those bustling around are gathered near the food and craft stands or hurrying toward the folk band taking stage at the center of the make-shift village.
“Maybe this isn’t the best place,” she admits. “But you don’t ever want to discuss this with me anywhere.”
I take a few pulls of my water and work on finishing my stew and bread. It’s a good meal. But I can’t enjoy it. Not with what Aedry wants to talk about. Every time we mess around, it takes all I have not to slide inside her and take her hard.
Hard. That’s exactly how I want to pound into her. That final claim I alone can perform to prove to myself, and to the world, that she’s mine. But I can’t do that to her. Someone like Aedry doesn’t deserve a good fuck. She’s entitled to the lovemaking she’s asking me for and that I’m incapable of.
I have sex with women in a way that would scare an inexperienced and sweet woman like Aedry, ramming my hips with the force of my anger and sin. I’ve never hurt a woman with the way I’ve taken her, nor have I ever forced one. But with Aedry, I’d be forcing my dark side into her, poisoning her and ruining her innocence.
I’ve tried to explain my reasons as best as I can. She doesn’t believe me or understand what I’m saying. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand why she’s asking. The last few times she’s begged me for it, I’ve flipped her onto her back, shoving my face between her legs and finishing myself off as she comes. It’s not that I don’t want her to touch me―hell, she drives me crazy when she does. But when she does . . . shit, I can’t do that to her.
“Is there someone else?” she questions.
Anyone else would freeze at my scowl. She doesn’t. “Someone else meeting your needs in a way I can’t?” she presses.
She’s using her counselor voice. The one that’s non-judgmental. Yet, I can sense the lingering hurt behind each syllable.
“Is that really what you think?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Don’t do that,” she tells me.
“Do what?”
“Answer by asking a question and turning it back on me,” she explains. Again, her voice stays gentle, confronting me in a way that doesn’t challenge, but expects the truth.
I don’t respond, returning to my water. “I don’t want to be your second choice,” she says. “Or the good girl you think you should hang onto if there’s something more you want.”
I crush my plastic bottle in my hand and return her stare. She thinks there’s someone else. I can’t deny she isn’t right. Vin’s world, the organized crime lifestyle I’m a part of, is my mistress―the one that spoils me for Aedry. I can’t tell her that, so again I put it back on her.
“Then what do you want to be?” I ask, alluding that maybe we shouldn’t be together if what I’m giving isn’t good enough.
I don’t know if it’s the force behind my voice, the severity of what I’m implying, or maybe it’s that Aedry isn’t as tough as she wants to be. Whatever it is has her glancing down and away. I want her to keep her gaze averted―and hope she’ll drop the subject so we can hang on to what we do have and make the most of the day. But she doesn’t. As tough as she’s finding it to be―especially with me acting like a total ass―like always, she digs deep for courage and meets my face. “I want to be your everything,” she whispers.
I’ve been stabbed, shot, and kicked in the liver. But nothing has ever caved my chest in like her words or her beautiful pleading face. She means what she says. She wants to be my lover and friend, and the mother to my boys―everything I never realized I needed or wanted until she walked into my life.
For what seems like too long we watch each other, trying to gauge what the other is thinking. When it becomes too much for me―and, hell, maybe for her, too―I give her an answer neither of us wants to hear. “No,” I say, rising.
Her lips part. I don’t miss the pain flashing across her delicate features. “No, to what?”
I toss my waste and hers into the garbage. “To all of it,” I answer.
I wait for her anger, for her to finally snap like all the crazy bitches I’ve fucked―to tell me off and walk away―something. Despite that I think I’m doing the right thing by her, that doesn’t make me less of a dick for how I do it.
She stands slowly, clutching her purse against her like it’s going to shield her from what I say or halt the tears welling her eyes.
“I love you, Salvatore,” she says, the words lodging my breath brutally in my chest. “I only wish you would let me.”
She walks away, wiping her eyes as she heads into a quilt store.
Never in my life have I hated myself more.
“Hey, Aedry,” Apollo says from the back of my ride. “Do you think you can make us Ma’s lasagna tomorrow night? It will go good with the pie, don’t you think?”
That’s another thing Aedry’s done for me and my brothers, brought a little of our mother back to us. Apollo found our great-grandmother’s recipe for lasagna in an old cookbook, the same recipe my mother made that she’d learned as young girl. It was written in Italian and it took some doing, but he and Gianno painstakingly translated the recipe so Aedry could make it.
No one told me what was going on. I came home one night following a hell of a day dealing with Vin to the smell of “home.” It was my birthday. I didn’t care enough about it to mention it to anyone. But my brothers remembered and told her ahead of time.
Instead of spending money on something I didn’t need, she prepared the lasagna, gravy, and garlic bread exactly like my mother once had. That was her gift to me, to us. I swear, I’ve never been given a gift with so much heart.
We ate in silence, my brothers and me remembering a time when the woman we all loved was still with us. I don’t think Aedry realized the impact this gesture would have on us. Or maybe she did. Apollo ate with one hand shielding his eyes and me and Gianno savored every bite like we were scared to let the moment pass.
That was the night I realized I’d found another woman to love in a way a man like me never thought possible. It should have made me feel good. But it didn’t. If anything, it was a reminder that she’s with the wrong man and how much of a coward I am for keeping her with me―how selfish I’m being for wanting her as much as I do, and not letting her find someone who deserves her.
I couldn’t find the words to thank her for that meal and for all the good memories it brought. Instead of getting pissed, she smiled, kissed me, and wished me a happy birthday. I
didn’t feel enough like an asshole, I suppose I needed reminding she’s always been too good for me.
“We’ll see, honey,” she answers Apollo.
I take the exit ramp into Jersey City. She’s been quiet since our talk. A and G noticed and they have been talking up a storm since we left Pennsylvania, making up for the uncomfortable silence between us.
“You want to watch Big Ass Spider tonight?” Apollo pushes, trying to keep her talking.
She releases a small breath. “I won’t be staying over tonight,” she responds quietly.
My attention cuts her way. She keeps her focus ahead. That’s not what we planned. She was supposed to stay with us all weekend.
I work the muscles of my jaw. I shouldn’t be pissed. After how I treated her and what I said, what did I expect―that she’d come home to me, to my bed? But I am pissed, at myself.
I take a sharp right at the last possible second, surging the tension thickening the air.
“What―”
“I’m dropping you off first,” I tell Gianno, cutting him off.
Aedry’s place is on the way to our apartment. I’m going completely out of the way by going back to my place first. That doesn’t raise suspicion or anything or bring the silence around us down like an ax.
I pull into our parking space about fifteen minutes later, setting the SUV in park. “Let’s walk them up and get them settled, then I’ll take you home if you want.”
She doesn’t move. She’s not coming up, likely guessing I’m trying to keep her here. Again, my brothers don’t miss a thing.
“Don’t God damn bother,” Gianno snaps, throwing open his door.
Any other time, I’d rip into him and tell him to watch his mouth. But he and Apollo are furious, knowing I screwed up with Aedry. She slips out, hugging them close like it’s goodbye. It just about tears me apart.
What the hell is wrong with me? Didn’t I practically give her an ultimatum? Tell her I didn’t want what she was offering? If she wants to walk away, she should. It would ease my fucking conscience for keeping her with me and from a man who deserves her love.