I Am Free

by Regina Bartley

  “Have a good day at work.” He said, as I was just about to open my door.

  I remember my Mom telling me once that crazy, unmentionable things happened when there was a full moon. I couldn’t see the moon at this hour, but I was certain that it had to be as full as it could get today.

  “Thank you, and thanks for the ride.” I smiled, closing the door behind me. I didn’t stay and ask him why he was acting so strange. My Momma did teach me to leave well enough alone.

  His kindness didn’t go unnoticed though. In fact, I thought about it for the greater part of my workday. I thought about it too much actually. Every time the door opened to the Library I pictured him walking through the doors. It was a hindrance more than anything.

  Just before my shift ended I received a text from Preston. He’d been so nice about Thanksgiving. He never once worried about Jackson. He never stooped to his level. He truly was a nice guy, too nice sometimes. His message was sweet, and he asked if I’d call him when I got home from work. This was it. I could no longer trudge along his feelings. I had to tell him that I had feelings for Jackson. No matter how silly and immature he acted, my heart was only with him. It would surely be the most difficult adult conversation that I would ever have, but I couldn’t let him continue believing that I had feelings for him when I didn’t. It wasn’t fair.

  It was still light outside when I got off work. It was nice to not have to lock up for a change. I enjoyed being able to get off early enough that I could walk home in the daylight. The sun was deceiving though. The cold chill of the air made my legs cold. One thing about skirts in the winter was that they offered very little warmth. Thank goodness for tall socks.

  I took the steps two at a time as I made my way down to the sidewalk. I pulled my hood up over my head to block the cold from my face as best as I could. The temperature had dropped a lot since when I’d gotten to work this morning.

  “Grace,” I heard someone call after me.

  I had already begun walking in the direction of my house. When I turned around I saw Jackson steadily walking towards me.

  “Wait up,” he called out.

  “What…” I started to say, but waited for him to get closer. “What are you doing here?” I asked with a sniffle. The cold was already making my nose run. I wished I had worn my stockings and my gloves.

  “I came to pick you, and take you home.”

  “Why are you doing this?” I asked.

  “Look, we can talk about it in the car. It’s freezing out today. Come on.” He turned around and walked in the direction of his car, not giving me a chance to refuse.

  I took a seat in the passenger side of the car and rubbed my hands along the top of my thighs. My legs were so cold. He turned the dial of the heat on full blast just before he drove away from the curb. I still had no explanation for his erratic behavior.

  “What’s going on Jackson?” My voice was barely above a whisper.

  “I’m trying, that’s what’s going on.”

  That still explained nothing.

  “Trying what?” I don’t know how I got to be so brave. I think a little bit of Tucker was coming out of me. His quick wit kept me on my toes.

  He looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes, then back to the road. Then back at me. What was he trying to tell me? He reached his arm over to me and placed his hand over top of my hands. One of his hands nearly covered both of mine. His thumbed moved softly over my skin. Just the feel of him made my insides dance. If he only knew what he did to me.

  I could have pulled away. I could have told him not to touch me, but I didn’t. I craved his touch more than anything. That night at Thanksgiving when he touched my leg under the table, I had to fight everything inside me to push his hand away. The only thing that helped me was the anger. The fact that he could touch me where no one was looking instead of in plain view for everyone to see made me so mad. Even now, in the car, didn’t prove a thing.

  Still, I didn’t want him to stop touching me.

  “If you give me a chance, which I know I don’t deserve, I’m going to prove to you that I can do this.”

  What was I supposed to say to that? I wanted to say, yes! “Jackson, I don’t know. I mean you barely know me. You don’t even want to be seen with me.”

  “All I can do is apologize for that. You don’t have to say anything today. Just give me a chance to prove it to you.” He pleaded. I wanted to believe him. I really did. Deep down in my heart I wanted him to change so badly, or to at least feel for me the way I felt for him. “You don’t have to say anything. Just don’t. I’m going to make you see.”

  He gave my hand a little squeeze as he parked the car in front of my sidewalk.

  “If I call you tonight, will you answer?” He asked.

  “Yes.” I said, probably with too much enthusiasm.

  “Good. I’ll call you later.” He leaned across the seat and gently kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes when his lips touched me. I wanted to freeze time at that exact moment.

  “Bye.” I spoke quietly as I climbed out of the car.

  Would he call me? I didn’t know, but I was going to hold on to the idea that he was. Maybe he could change. Maybe he didn’t have to change, he just had to open up. Either way I wanted to be the girl that he opened up for.

  My heart wanted him.

  26

  Jackson

  I had my phone in my hand ready to dial her number. I’d been thinking about this call since the moment I left her house. I couldn’t wait to hear her voice, and I’d planned on keeping her up for her first all night conversation. I intended to find out as much as I could about her, if she’d let me.

  Making myself comfortable in my bed, I pressed the call button. She answered on the second ring.

  “Hello.” She said hesitantly.

  “Hi.” I said.

  “Who is this?” She asked.

  I sat there a minute. Did she not recognize my voice? I knew I’d never actually called her phone before, but I thought she was expecting my call.

  “I’m just kidding.” She giggled. She really giggled. It was the cutest sound ever.

  “You little jokester.”

  “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.” Her admission was adorable.

  “It’s a good thing I can take a joke.” I smiled although she couldn’t see me. “What are you doing?”

  “I was just writing in my poetry journal.”

  “You like poetry?” I asked. Let the questions begin.

  “I love it. I’m not a professional or anything. It’s just something I like doing. It’s better than a diary to me. More therapeutic,” she explained. “Do you keep a journal or anything?”

  I laughed. “No. Isn’t that a girl thing?”

  “No, you jerk face.”

  “Did you just call me a jerk face?”

  “Maybe…” There was that giggle again. “Jackson can I ask you a question? I mean will you answer me honestly?”

  “Sure.” I was a little nervous, but I’d be honest with her. I owed her that much.

  There was a little pause, and I was thinking that maybe she wasn’t going to ask after all.

  “What made you change your mind?”

  “About what?” I asked.

  “Me. You were all -I like you let me kiss you, then you were all -I don’t want to talk to you or be seen with you. I’m getting whip lash.”

  I knew I needed to be honest. “Preston.” I sighed, “If I’m being honest. I hated seeing him with you. I hated it so bad. I didn’t want him touching you. I didn’t want him to share whatever thoughts you had in your head. I wanted them to be for me.”

  She was silent, eerily silent.

  “I told you I’d be honest.”

  “Thank you.” The line fell silent once more, but she finally spoke. “Does that mean that this is just a jealousy thing? Do you just want me, because someone else does?”

  “No. It doesn’t. It means that I’m staking claim on what’s mine. Or what I�
�d like to be mine. I want to be with you Grace. I want to kiss you. I want to talk to you all the time. I want you to be my girl. Not just sometime, all the time.” I admitted. I wanted her to know where I stood. I was ready to take that leap with her.

  “Your girl?”

  “My girl.” I repeated.

  “Can we take things slow? I’m not ready to turn over my heart just yet.” Her voice was low and solemn.

  That was not exactly a –yes I want to be your girl, but I’d take it. “We can go as slow as you want? Would you come to my game on Friday?”

  “I’ll think about it.” She said.

  Whew. This was going to be harder than I thought. It was just a basketball game. When she said slow, she meant it.

  The topic of conversation took a wide left turn and I was glad. We had the serious stuff taken care of. I wanted to ask her more questions about herself. She was always open and honest with me about everything, even when I asked about our kiss. She was not as shy over the phone as she was in person. She was braver. I felt like I could ask almost anything. Almost…

  When she started yawning, she said she needed to get off the phone. It was just past eleven, and I could hear just how tired she was. I didn’t want to let her go just yet. I persuaded her not to hang up. I used my soft, gravely voice to convince her to stay. Told her that I just wanted to hear her breathing, and it was the truth. I’d never been in a relationship like this. Not one where I wanted to hear her voice, and see her face. Not one where I thought about her all the time. This was so much more. She had situated herself right inside my chest, where I’d break if I ever let her go.

  Her breathing was heavy, and as she drifted off to sleep I could hear a tiny little snore. It was so quiet, that I’d miss it if I weren’t really listening. Hanging on the line just a little longer, I waited for her to make a sound, any sound. Did she talk in her sleep? I had to hang up. She wasn’t the type of girl that would like for me to be listening to her without her knowledge. She was good and pure, and as innocent as they come. No matter how badly I wanted to lie there and listen to her all night, I couldn’t.

  I whispered goodnight, and hung up the phone. Breathing deeply and thinking about her beautiful voice, I drifted off to sleep. With her on my mind, I knew I’d have the best dreams ever.

  27

  Grace

  “Grace! Kennedy is here.”

  “Okay. Be right down.” I called downstairs to Aunt Darcy.

  At the bottom of the steps Kennedy was waiting. “You ready?” She asked.

  “Where we going?”

  “Jackson said he invited you to the game, and I’m here to make sure that you go. Mom and Dad are in the car. They’re going too.”

  “I… Maybe…” I hesitated. I was going to kill him for telling her. The point was to take things slow. I didn’t want to jump right into things without knowing for sure that he was serious.

  “Get your coat and your mittens. Move it sister.”

  There was no arguing with her, but I gave her an evil look. That would teach her.

  “I’m so glad that you decided to come dear. Jackson has been talking about you for days. I’m so glad that you too are finally going to be together.” Claire said as she reached around the seat and patted my knee.

  Whoa. What? Hold the phone?

  Crap. Even in my head I sounded like Kennedy.

  I smiled. That was it, and it wasn’t even a real smile. It was more like an I’m-truly-frightened-and-I-may-puke, half smile. What happened to taking it slow? Did he tell his parents everything? I hadn’t even talked to Kennedy about this, but after looking at her face, she obviously thought this was the greatest thing in the world. Her wide smile spread all the way to the tips of her eyes, and once again I thought I was going to puke.

  I turned my head to stare out the window. It suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough air in the car. Everyone in it was sucking up too much of my oxygen.

  Share. Share the freaking oxygen people.

  Nick drove around the parking lot at the school several times, until he finally chose a spot. Claire kept nagging at him to pick a spot some time in this century. They were highly amusing. I was thankful for their light banter, because it was helping to keep my mind off the inevitable. I bundled up my coat a little tighter, and pressed myself into Kennedy’s side as we made our way inside.

  The seating was ridiculous at the school. I’d never saw so many people. It was unbelievable the amount of space and people it took to fill up the place. The place was huge. Everyone was wearing their school shirts in support of the team, and I was in my usual skirt and sweater. Sticking out like a sore thumb was something I mastered. There was no need in changing things now.

  Nick and Claire led us to our seats, the most amazing seats in the house. They had to be. We were just a few rows from the floor. We’d probably be able to smell the sweat from the players.

  I cringed at my thought.

  Behind us were thousands of seats, and they rose high up to the ceiling. I could feel my knees tremble at the thought of having to sit up at the top.

  “Isn’t this amazing?” Kennedy leaned over to speak to me. The packed house was noisy so I could barely hear her.

  I nodded my head in agreement. This was my first time. My first live sporting event, my first time inside of an arena that big, and my first time watching Jackson play ball. My heart was beating clean out of my chest.

  Kennedy must have read my mind. She gave my hand a squeeze and then passed the time away trying to teach me about basketball. More like scream at me about basketball. I knew what basketball was; I just didn’t know the rules. Kennedy never minded though. She kept right on yelling in my ear. She’d already taught me so much in the time I’d known her, and not just about basketball. She never laughed at me when I didn’t understand things, or when I was lost. There was the occasional time when she couldn’t help but laugh, but those were the times when I laughed too, right along with her. It wasn’t at my expense. Her laughter was never at my expense.

  “Don’t look now, but Holly is in the building.” Kennedy said.

  Of course I had to look. I couldn’t miss her with her bleach-blonde hair, as Kennedy called it. Her eyes were wide, and I could feel her anger from my seat. She was much better at the evil face then I was. She obviously wasn’t thrilled that I was the one sitting with Kennedy and her family. Can’t say I blame her. If I were in her shoes, I’d be mad too.

  “That’s the student section,” Kennedy explained. It was a large group of seats just off to the right from where we were sitting. I could fly a paper airplane to them. That’s how close they were. “Don’t pay any attention to her.”

  As Kennedy was talking, the lights dimmed. Loud music erupted from the speakers, and the crowd started to chant. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but I was getting eager. A man came over the intercom and announced the teams and the flashing lights went crazy. They were like laser beams through the crowd.

  Kennedy reached for my hand, and pulled me to my feet as they were announcing Jackson’s team. I hadn’t even seen them come in, and they were already huddled around in front of us. It was a sea of red jerseys. They must have come in while I was watching the light show.

  “What number is he?” I asked when I realized that I had no idea. “Never mind.” I’d recognize those blue eyes anywhere. He must have known where we’d be sitting, because his eyes fell directly on us. His family probably sat in the same seats every time.

  He smiled at me as he stood there in his uniform. His jersey had a big number 21 on the front. Gosh, he looked amazing. I couldn’t stop staring. His arms were big and meaty. That was the only word I could think of. I thought that maybe I’d need my heart restarted when he winked at me.

  I couldn’t believe that he did it, but then I realized that no one would have noticed in this stir-crazy room. I was wrong. Glancing to my left, all eyes were on me. Both his parents and Kennedy wore huge smiles on their faces. My face grew
red, and we all laughed.

  Way to make me embarrassed Jackson. It’s a good thing he wasn’t close enough for me to touch. I probably would have went for the smack in the back of the head the way my Mom used to do my brother when he was too loud at the dinner table. I stored that away for later; sure he’d give me another reason to use it.

  They announced the players’ names, and when it was Jackson’s turn I cheered along. I couldn’t help myself. It was so easy to get sucked into the enthusiasm of the crowd.

  I found out rather quickly that Jackson was good. He was very good. I hardly knew anything of the game, but his shots always went into the basket. The game was a blowout win at 72-37.

  “What did you think?” Nick asked me as we were walking back to the car. His heavy arm was draped over my shoulder.

  I was still wound up from the game. “It was incredible. I loved it. I’ve never seen so many people before, and I didn’t know that Jackson was so good.” I rambled on. If I was feeling this ecstatic, I couldn’t imagine what it must’ve felt like to be out there on the floor playing. It had to be a pure adrenaline rush.

  “He is good.” He squeezed my shoulder tighter. “I’m glad you had fun Gracie.”

  Oh no.

  I looked up at him. “Not you too. Tucker is rubbing off on everyone.”

  He chuckled.

  “You staying the night with me Grace?” Kennedy asked. “I have to work tomorrow too, so I can drive us.”

  “Sure, why not.” I didn’t have any other plans.

  I took my cell phone out of my jacket pocket and noticed that I had a new voicemail message. I hadn’t even heard my phone ring with all the commotion at the game.

  I held the phone up to my ear and listened to the message.

  “Grace, it’s Aunt Darcy. I don’t want you to worry, but your father called tonight. He said your Momma is sick. I don’t know what’s wrong with her, or even if he’s telling the truth. You know how that man can be. I just wanted you to know. Call me back when you get this message.”

  My heart had sunk to my feet. My Momma was sick. Or was she?