"You certainly do," he said. "And the loveliest eyes I have seen on any woman."
"Stop that," I said, no doubt turning bright red. He only laughed and pulled me toward him into a kiss. I started giggling and tried to push him away, only he growled playfully and held me tighter. I gave in eventually, and we kissed several times before ending in one long, deep kiss.
Gaar moved to a corner of the room after we parted, and I opted to collapse, fully clothed, onto the soft bedding.
"Ahh," I moaned. "Sleep at last. Good night, Gaar," I murmured, pulling the blankets over me.
"Hmm?"
"I said, 'good night.'"
There was a strange pause before Gaar finally answered with his own "good night."
I shut my eyes and waited for sleep to overtake me; Gaar seemed to be taking a while to prepare himself for bed, but eventually I heard him blow out the lantern and climb under the bedding beside me.
I was facing away from him, toward the wall opposite the door. My thoughts were becoming hazy, and I welcomed the coming of slumber to rescue me from that long, warm day.
I felt a hand touch and begin caressing my shoulder, and I was forced to stay my sleep to see what was the matter. Then I felt Gaar's hot breath on my neck, and I turned my face toward him slightly.
"Good night, Gaar," I repeated.
"Aye, it is a good night," he agreed. "But it has not yet ended."
"Aren't you going to sleep yet?" I asked through a yawn. Surely even you must be tired."
"We can't go to sleep yet," he announced.
"I'm not leaving this room again tonight," I mumbled. Let me rest now. Revel more if you want, I don't care."
"Not reveling, my love," he whispered. "Our night is not yet through. For now, we must consummate our marriage."
'"Consummate?"' I yawned. "What's that? Mayn't we do that tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow? Nay, it must be tonight, if we expect our bond to hold true."
Gaar continued rubbing my shoulder, and a chill suddenly crept down my spine.
"Uhhh—Ohhh…" I began, opening my eyes now. "You mean… c-consummate, don't you?"
I waited for him to answer, but he squeezed my shoulder gently and kissed my neck instead. I still lay facing away from him, and he held my shoulder and started to turn me onto my back. He didn't need to explain himself anymore. I gripped the floor and stopped myself.
"Gaar," I whispered, swallowing hard, "I think I would much rather sleep."
"You will—when we're done," he cooed, and kissed my forehead. I covered it with my hand and held my breath. He took my hand and kissed the palm, and then continued working his way down my arm.
"Perhaps," I gasped, "perhaps it's only s-superstition. I mean, perhaps it doesn't matter when one, when we—'consummate.'" Gaar ignored me and followed my arm up to my shoulder, and then my neck. I grabbed his head and pushed it away from me. He moved to my side and made a sound in frustration.
"Mara," he whispered, "you'll not run from me again."
"Who's running?" I gasped. "I only… Perhaps we…" I fought for the words that would sum up my fear without revealing it, but could find none, and I was forced to opt for the truth.
"I'm afraid!"
"Shh," he whispered, moving a hand to my cheek. "There's no reason to be afraid. Just relax."
"Why don't we just kiss a lot, and—and that'll be it?"
"Don't be silly."
"Oh, that is me," I said. "Always… always silly…"
"It's too late to be modest, Mara. You're my wife now."
"I'm not 'modest,' I just… I mean this is more than just kissing! I'm used to that now, I—I mean I like it now, truly! But—this…"
"Gods, Mara, don't you ever want any children, either?"
"Ch-children? Gods, we never even talked about that."
"How do you think people have children? Do you think they buy them?"
"Of course I know how people have children," I lied. "But what does this have to do with—what you want?"
"Then you don't know," he said.
"I must not, then."
"Enough talk," he said. "Come, my wife…"
He started kissing me on the neck again, and I lay there, breathing quickly, terrified. Soon he was kissing my face, and then pressed his lips onto mine, only they were stiff.
"Relax," he whispered as he worked his way back to my neck. The same rhythm began again: Kiss, "relax." Kiss, "relax," and Lord knows I tried to stay my fear, but it wasn't working well.
Gaar stopped kissing me and rolled away to start taking his vest off. My clothes stayed on, however.
"Gaar…" I said.
"Hush," he said. "And take your vest off."
"My vest? But—no, no, I couldn't."
"Clothes only get in the way."
"But this is my warrior's vest," I protested. He turned and dangled his own vest above me.
"And this," he said, "is mine," and he tossed it away into the darkness and rolled over to put his arms around me. I was still stiff, until he reached over to start pulling off my vest himself. I grabbed onto it and held it shut tightly.
"This is foolishness, Mara," he said. "You're no warrior."
"What?"
"I said, you're no warrior. And neither am I. Not tonight. Tonight we are only man and woman. Husband and wife."
He stayed on his side and waited for my response. I held my vest shut tightly for almost a minute, but my grip was loosening all the while. Eventually I very slowly sat up, watching him the whole time, and slowly took my vest off, and handed it to him. Gaar took it gently and then tossed it off into the darkness to join his own vest. I couldn't see where it landed.
"Come, my wife," he said again, and I lay back down slowly to be taken up into his arms. He held me tight and kissed me several times before I reciprocated, and eventually I put my own arms around him, and he began moving his body onto mine.
"It is time for you to learn what it is to be a woman, my love," he whispered.
Eventually my fear faded away into nonexistence. I had rarely felt so free as on that night. Everything that I'd ever had, every suppressed and repressed feeling that I'd ever had poured out of me and into our lovemaking as our passion got heavier and sweatier. I practically ripped up my own clothes in my haste to get them off. It was the most basic, most primal pleasure I had ever known that night, and my eventual climax was but the tip of my ecstasy.
I feel very fortunate now that my first encounter with passion was so wonderful for me, considering some of the horrible stories I've heard since. There was never any pain, and no discomfort once I was able to open up and enjoy the experience. That night Gaar told me that he'd never been with a woman who made love as well as I did; he wasn't a virgin before meeting me, in other words. But I didn't mind; after all, it was acceptable, sometimes expected, for men to be "experienced" before marriage. Not for women, of course.
During a pause in lovemaking Gaar had kissed my neck and shoulders over and over, which stimulated me quite a bit, but then he began kissing those places more slowly and gently, until he was resting his lips on my neck. He began sucking very gently. I felt strangely relaxed then, almost to the point of falling asleep, and my arms went limp and fell away from his back, and I lay there silently, lips slightly parted, as my husband gave me my first "hickey."
I was completely relaxed by the time our lovemaking came to an end, and Gaar hovered over my face for a time, breathing softly and gazing into my eyes in the darkness. I remember seeing a flash of light reflect from his eyes, and then he bent down and kissed me long and hard one last time before he moved off me and lay by my side. I shut my eyes in contentment and sighed softly.
"Good night, Mara," he whispered.
"Good night…"
Chapter 5
We decided to remain in Castrill. It was actually better off than most other "Romanized" cities; it had relatively good crops year round and a bustling trade with other towns. It only seemed poor at first sight—probably
due to the magistrate's "frugality."
After consulting with Arem again, who helped us obtain citizenship (or rather, helped Gaar obtain citizenship—women were fifth-class people, after all), Gaar joined the Castrillian Army. Unfortunately, it was not the best of militias. There was enough wealth in the city to sustain an army through taxes, but the general, Tetulius, was getting on in years and could not lead the men in combat or drills as efficiently as in his youth, and the magistrate didn't seem to show much concern for the lack of discipline that resulted from this. Tetulius relied more on his right-hand man, Taran, for training and other practical matters, but more men of leadership were needed to keep the army from deteriorating.
Tetulius was one of the wealthiest men in the city, but he had no male heirs to his estates. It was expected that Taran would "inherit" the generalship once Tetulius died, and might even inherit some of the wealth. But there was little indication as to the general's beneficiary; in fact, it was assumed that he would simply leave his estate to the city itself, and a rather large estate it was, too.
Gaar was treated well in the Army; soldiers that needed them were given small two-room hovels near the training camp, and we promptly moved in. He was paid the usual salary, which wasn't much. Fortunately, years of being completely without funds had helped both of us learn how to live frugally.
Gaar was at first rather disappointed in the men of the Castrillian Army, whom he considered sorely lacking in training and discipline. This was particularly disconcerting to him, as we learned that Castrill had a history of tense relations with its neighboring city, Westmont. Apparently the economy there was not as stable as Castries, and Westmont had often begun raids to take the city but had not yet been able to wear the military down. It had actually been a few years since hostilities had been taken up on either side, which was probably why Castrill's army had been allowed to go lax. Many of the citizens were also uncomfortable about this, but Tetulius's requests for more support from the magistrate went largely unheeded.
Tetulius's right-hand man at the time was Taran, a former mercenary who had officially joined the Castrillian Army and quickly rose through the ranks due to his fighting abilities. He seemed to be next in position to gain the general's army, but he was not rich and would not be able to maintain it unless the general willed all of his wealth to Taran. But then, as I mentioned, the general hadn't made public the beneficiary of his will, and I personally paid little attention at the time to the politics of this particular army. Nevertheless, the army was in need of repairs if it was to survive the Westmontians, should they decide to attack again.
Meanwhile, Gaar was working on getting to know Taran as the man to speak to regarding training. It seemed that Gaar believed himself able to help train the men, if possible, and quite frankly, it occurred to me that if anyone could accomplish that feat, Gaar could. But first he had to demonstrate his own abilities, which he was able to do during combat training. Taran was pleased with what he saw, and soon he and Gaar were working together to see if discipline and technique could indeed be resurrected in the men.
It bothered me that I couldn't join the Army myself, if only to fight by Gaar's side if I was called to. I might have been hired in the past by people desperate for fighters, but an official army wasn't going to let any women join, period.
We had been married about two weeks before Gaar gave me my wedding ring. I was quite surprised to get one at all, considering how poor we were. And a ring wasn't really that important to me anyway. He made a big fuss about it, though, making me close my eyes and hold out my hand. It wasn't just some gold or silver wire; it was a specially made band of braided gold. I was quite flustered, and even tried to remove it because I didn't think we could afford such a ring. But Gaar made me promise never, ever to take it off until the day I no longer loved him. I haven't removed it since, except to put it on my right hand, where I have it to this day.
One thing that naturally bothered Gaar was the fact that I was still wearing my vest and shirt and not a dress. At the time I was still stuck on my "warrior" routine, even though I hadn't been a warrior since we'd been married. After all, as Gaar's wife I was busy cooking, cleaning, and so on, and had barely any time to even practice sword-fighting, let alone get money for it. So some resentment was brewing about my situation. Also, I had some respite because, even if Gaar wanted me in a dress, we had little to no money to buy me one, and I wasn't skilled enough to make my own. I guess my wedding ring set us back more than he would tell me. I did ask him why, if it was so important to him for me to wear a dress, he had bought a ring instead. He said something about how important it is for married women to "look" married, whatever that means. He also reminded me that I wasn't going to be dressing like a man for the rest of my life, either. I changed the subject.
One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to tell Gaar that he was going to be a father. Oh, it wasn't because of him; no, my hesitation came from those damned fears that my father had crammed into my brain with such a vengeance. Before I met Gaar I was pathetically ignorant of virtually anything that had to do with the differences between men and women. Now, in less than a year, I had felt love for the first time in my life, married a man, had experienced lovemaking, and was now on the road to motherhood. Who, me? A mother? No, no, women get pregnant, not me, not a warrior. What did I know about being a mother? I'd never had one myself, after all, nor did I know anything about babies, for that matter.
I gathered the courage to tell Gaar, knowing full well that he would be ecstatic about it, but still fearing that he'd become angry, anyway. He was ecstatic, of course, and grabbed me and hugged me and kissed me and generally made a big fuss about the whole thing. He wanted to tell the whole army the news before I protested and made him limit himself to just a few friends. I also didn't want anyone coming over and staring at my belly or fondling it or whatnot—excepting Gaar, of course.
That same day I was in the marketplace to gather our daily supply of food. My appearance in public, as usual, was met with curious glances and mutterings as I walked by, as I was yet to obey the unwritten laws for female attire.
I probably looked sillier on this day, what with my vest open at the bottom and sticking out away from my belly. Not that it was particularly large, since I was only about four months pregnant, but I knew, much to my worries, that it was only going to get worse.
So I usually took to side streets and other mostly empty walkways to go about my business in the marketplace. That way I could be away from gossipy neighbors and thus be more undisturbed in my thoughts.
I was strolling through an empty alleyway when I was suddenly sent tumbling into the dirt by someone slamming into me. Furious, I grabbed whomever it was who had accosted me, and saw the face of a terrified girl, no more than fourteen, I'd wager, as she struggled to escape my grasp. We fought for a few seconds before I saw the cause of her panic: three boys barreling down the alley, apparently in hot pursuit of her. In blind panic the girl kicked my shin and scrambled to her feet just as the boys caught up to us. They grabbed her and flung her down, shrieking, and one of them was so base as to pull out a knife and hold it to her throat. That was enough for me.
"Bitch!" he screamed at her. "Thought you'd run from us, eh? Thought you could hurt me and then get away with it?"
"Leave her alone," I said. The other two boys spun around, and though they might have been intimidated by my height, they gritted their teeth and acted tough.
"This is none of your business, girl," one of them growled.
"Go on, before you get hurt, too," the other added, and was stupid enough to give me a rough shove.
Without hesitation I caught his arm and spun him into the wall with it. The other boy I simply kicked once in the groin. Then I stepped to the side of him and slammed his friend in the face with my elbow before he could recover.
I waited for the boy with the knife to take notice of the mayhem I was causing, which didn't take long. He saw his companions holding themselves
in pain, gave me a take, and then a double take.
"What—?"
"Get away from her," I ordered.
"Who the hell are you?" he demanded. "What happened to them?"
Too angry to argue with him anymore, I kicked the knife from his hand, and he fell away from the girl and held his wrist in pain. I took a step back and whipped out my sword, just to ensure they would make no more stupid moves. His friends, who were by now struggling to their feet, froze in place when they noticed the blade.
"All of you," I growled, "leave her alone and get out of here."
None of them moved, however, apparently too shocked to react.
"Go on," I commanded. "Leave!" Finally their minds registered the seriousness of my command, and the boys fell over themselves in their haste to leave. I sheathed my sword and stood over the girl, who looked up at me with terrified eyes.
"You can get up now," I assured. "They're gone."
"Uh—" she said, but remained where she was.
"Did they hurt you?" I asked, bending down to see her better. "What did they want from you? Can you stand?"
"Uh—" she said again, but nothing more.
"They're not going to hurt you now," I reassured. "See? They're gone." The girl looked around her, eyes still wide with fright, to test the truth of my words. I only wished that I was as good at calming others as Gaar was.
"They're gone," I repeated, and held out my hand to her. "Can you get up? I'll help you." Cautiously, the girl took my hand, and as soon as she had done so, I hefted her quickly to her feet and dusted her off.
"Are you all right now?" I asked after finishing.
She nodded quickly. "Yes. Yes, I am," she said finally.
"What did they want from you? They acted like thieves."
"They were, I think. They were boys—ones that have always been tormenting me, for some reason or another. They tried to take my money today."
"Oh. So you ran from them?"
"Yes. But I kicked Gareth first."
"Who?"
"The one who held the knife to me. Oh, such anger in him! I think he really meant to kill me!" The girl turned away from me as she started to sob; the experience no doubt was catching up with her. I felt especially awkward before this girl, inexperienced as I was with comforting others. I looked around and fidgeted somewhat.
The Vampire Memoirs Page 5