"Your wounds will heal quickly enough," he said. "But I want you to change back now."
Now that I could understand. I assumed that the reverse was similar to changing from the wolf form, and I began concentrating on becoming human again. Or rather, human form. I keep forgetting.
I began changing right on his knee before he pulled it out from under me. But the transformation was complete before I thudded to the ground. Always the gentleman, that Agyar.
"I can get up myself," I said, refusing his outstretched hand.
"You must change again, now, before we return to the house."
"You realize, of course, that I'm exhausted," I said.
"That is your own fault," he said. "I told you to slow down. Now this time listen to my commands, and flap your wings slowly and steadily! And another thing: you can glide, you know."
"Whatever you say, dear husband."
"Don't get uppity with me," he snorted. "I learned to do all this the hard way—by trial and error. You should appreciate that I'm trying to spare you the indignities of doing it yourself."
"Oh. Of course. Forgive me, then. I've always been too ungrateful for my own good, I suppose."
"You are forgiven," he said. "Now get ready to change."
Agyar made me join him in his study when we returned. He was browsing through some book of his while my thoughts began to drift to memories of my old life. Keston. My father. Then Gaar and Castrill. His magistracy. Leta. And the children…
"Agyar," I said quietly after a while.
"Mmmhmm," he said, not looking up from his book.
"I want to see my family again."
I heard him chuckle once as he shut the book.
"You know that's impossible," he said. "I can't allow you to leave here."
"I see," I whispered. Then: "How long has it been… since Gaar and I first came here?"
"About three weeks now," he said.
"Three weeks," I echoed. "You realize Gaar is the magistrate of Castrill."
"Was," he corrected.
I nodded. "Was the magistrate. So what message have you sent to Castrill?" I asked. "Have you mentioned that Gaar has been fed to wolves, and I have been changed into a monster?"
"I'll have none of that from you, woman," he snarled. "I did what had to be done."
"Naturally," I said, and looked him square in the face.
"I want to see my family again," I repeated. "My children—all of them. Tirell, Ran, little Kir—"
"I told you, that's impossible!"
"It's not impossible!" I cried. "Look at you! You and your immortality, and power over animals and let's not forget me, and your power as a magistrate, and you tell me I cannot even see my own children!"
"You could never make the journey—!"
"Then bring them here! Send a letter asking that my children be sent here, so I may see them again! I want to see their bright young faces again. Please…"
"That would be possible," he said quietly.
"Just for a little while," I said. "For a few days. To… say good-bye to them…"
"Is that why you want them here?" he asked.
"Yes," I said. Agyar turned away from me to contemplate my suggestion. Then he whirled around after a few moments of silence.
"I have a better idea," he said.
"I may go to them?" I asked excitedly.
"Don't be foolish," he said. "I meant that you need never be parted from them again."
"I will not let them live here," I said.
"And why not?" he said. "Would you rather they live out their lives as orphans?" he asked, then leaned much closer to me and said, "When they could be with their mother for all eternity?"
"All eternity?" I said. "I don't—" My mouth dropped open in horror as I understood the full meaning of his suggestion.
"No!" I cried. "No! I would never—!"
"Then let them be orphans, Mara," he said. "Let them live out their brief, miserable existences with neither mother nor father to care for them, to hold them, to love them—"
"Stop it!" I cried.
"You would allow them to live amongst filth, and disease, and poverty, never knowing where their next meal will come from, subject to all the fears and horrors that plague each and every human for—?"
"Not my own children!"
"And why not, Mara? You are their mother! And every mother lives in fear and dread that her children could die before her, and she will be alone, forever alone—"
"No more, Agyar! I beg you—no more!"
"But think of what you can give them, Mara! You have already given them life, and now—now you can give them eternal life! What greater gift could a mother have for her children?"
"I would rather they do live in poverty than… than…"
"So you want them to die?" he asked. "You want them to rot in their graves while you live on… and on… and on—?"
"Stop this!" I cried. "I've changed my mind! Forget I said anything. You were right, it's impossible for me to see them now—"
"It's too late, woman, I've decided now," he said. "And what I say is law to you. You yourself said you would obey me from now on."
"Not in this!"
"Mara!" he said, his eyes smoldering again. He gripped my chin and made me look at him. My thoughts were swimming again.
"You love your children, don't you, Mara?" he said softly.
"Yes… oh, yes."
"Then you will do what I ask because you love them! They are your children; you cannot bear to be parted from them, can you?"
"No…"
"Could you bear to be parted from them for all eternity?"
"No… !"
"I will send for your children, Mara. And then you may give them eternal life, because you want to. Because you love them."
"I… love them…"
He released me, and then left the room in a hurry, no doubt to write his letter and send for my children. And I was alone, alone to contemplate the horrible fate that their own mother would be dealing them.
Chapter 17
One night I watched the stars twinkle from the roof. Leta and the children would be there in a few days. Leta was coming as their chaperone, and also because I had asked for her. The same fate was intended for her, of course. We could be best friends forever, she and I, running or flying every night together while the children wrestled at our feet as wolf cubs. What an idyllic existence.
A familiar presence had joined me on the roof. The smell was the same, but now there was just a trace of a death stench to it. I shivered as it drew nearer.
"Mistress?" she called from behind me. I kept my back to her.
"Hello, Lara," I said.
"The master told me you were up here, and I should join you."
I smiled weakly. "How thoughtful of him," I said. I could think of nothing else to say to her, nor did I turn around. I wanted so desperately to beg forgiveness for the thing I had done to her, but I could not find the courage to do so.
"The night air is wonderful, is it not?" she said.
"Wonderful."
"I woke up only a few moments ago," she said.
Oh, really," I said. "And how do you feel?" A little hungry," she said. "But they gave me some blood already. I didn't know how good it would taste, either!"
I laughed once to myself, but then was silent.
"Um… mistress?" she said, moving to my side.
"Yes."
"How did my blood taste?"
I could hardly help smiling to myself. The girl could ask even the most horrific questions in the most innocent way. She reminded me so much of Leta when we'd first met. That puppy-dog enthusiasm and innocence.
"Good," I said finally, reaching out to pat her on the back. "Very good."
"I'm glad," she said. "Although… you took me a little by surprise, when you bit me."
It amazed me how casually she was taking the hideous thing I had done to her. What did Agyar do to his servants to make them think this way? It only made me
hate him all the more.
"And what was it you said to me, just before feeding?" she said.
"I said… I asked your forgiveness," I said.
"Oh," she said. "Well, you needn't ask that of me, mistress. It's what you were supposed to do."
"You claim he treats you well, and yet your lives mean nothing," I murmured.
"What was that?" she asked.
I smiled and turned to look at her. "Nothing," I said, rubbing her head. Her face was a familiar sight. Lara had a drawn, thin face, bright red eyes, and glistening white fangs. I had since learned to eliminate those features from myself, and I now looked like my old self, but paler. But apparently all vampires share the same awful appearance when they first "wake up."
"I'm glad you're not really dead," I said.
Her fangs flashed as she gave me a cheerful smile. "Oh, no, mistress," she laughed. "I can be your servant forever now."
"You take all this so well," I said. "You have great courage for such a young girl."
"Thank you, mistress," she said. "But now I can frighten everyone else! See?" And with that she raised her arms and let out a horrible hiss, shifting her features slightly until she looked even more monstrous. Her new existence was just a wonderful dream come true for her, and I watched her hiss and lumber and stalk all about me, acting out her nightmares for real; only now she was the nightmare.
She stopped her lumbering and began laughing, at first much like a human laugh, only it was becoming higher and rougher, until it more resembled the screech of a bat. Then she ran over to me gleefully and tugged at my arm, pulling me away from the roof's edge.
"Oh, mistress!" she cried. "Will you teach me to fly? Will you teach me how to become a bat, and to run and howl as a wolf? Please, mistress?"
"What! Now?"
"Could you?" she cried. "I would be forever grateful, and I would never cease praising your kindness and generosity I Could you, mistress?"
"But I—I—" I was flabbergasted by the girl's enthusiasm, and, reluctant as I was to venture out into the night, I finally agreed to teach her what little I knew.
Lara was thrilled by the sensations of flight. She was rather shaky during her first try, but hardly as much as I had been, and she also expertly avoided the hard fall that I had experienced my first time. Upon landing, she clapped her hands together and laughed with glee after transforming.
"I can fly! I can fly!" she shouted, dancing all over the hilltop as I watched, amazed. "Oh, mistress, I can fly! I've always wanted to be able to fly! Isn't it wonderful?"
"Uh—yes. Yes, it is," I said. Then she stopped her dancing and ran back and threw her arms around my waist.
"Thank you, mistress," she said. "Thank you for teaching me."
"Uh, it was nothing, really—"
"And to think I was chosen for this," she continued, porting from me. "The master really must have thought I was worthy."
"Yes, it seems he did."
"Could I become a wolf now?" she asked. "And howl to the ones in the mountains?"
"Of course—"
I felt my name again, and that irresistible pulling that follows a calling. I was wanted back at the house, it seemed, much as I wished to remain with Lara.
"I'm afraid we must do that later," I said, feeling myself walking away from her. "I think Agyar wants me back."
"The master?" she said. "Oh. Are you being called?" she continued, chasing after me.
"Um, yes, I think so," I said, and was forced to turn toward the house and begin running at top speed. Lara kept pace with me as best as she could.
"Couldn't we fly back?" she gasped. Good suggestion. It would be a lot faster. I kept my running pace and began to concentrate. Once I had formed the bat image I ran a little faster and took a flying leap, transforming as I went. Now it was time to give my legs a rest and make my arms do all the work.
Fortunately Lara was able to follow, beginner that she was at flight. It turned out that Agyar only wanted to make sure I was nearby, as morning was little more than an hour away. Well, I knew that already. I was perfectly able to take care of myself.
They were already unpacking in their rooms when I was able to join them. Apparently Leta and the children had arrived about when Gaar and I did—in the early evening—and were just settling in when I greeted them at the door.
I had asked Agyar to allow me to be totally alone with them—no mental eavesdropping, no calling, no walking in at inopportune moments. He reluctantly agreed to busy himself on the other side of the house while I finished with my own business.
I wore my best green cotton dress and my prettiest smile as I greeted them. Leta had her back turned to me, but the children saw me in an instant.
"Mama!" they cried, and surrounded me instantly, smothering me with hugs and kisses and love. Even little Kiri toddled over excitedly and held on to my leg, jumping up and down to get my attention. I bent down and picked her up, holding her and kissing her over and over, letting her aroma and her warmth envelop my whole being.
Then Leta was by my side, smiling and calling loving greetings to me, and I leaned over to hug her, making certain not to squash Kiri between us.
"You've been gone a long time," she said. "Have things been going well for you?"
"Oh… well enough," I said, holding Kiri closer.
"Will you and Gaar be home soon, then?"
"Um… not that I know of."
"Oh," she said, disappointed. "Well, we left as soon as we got your message. Are you certain everything is all right?"
"Yes. Yes, all is well," I lied. "I just… wanted to see you all again. I've missed you so."
"We missed you, too, Mama," said Ran.
I smiled at him and then laughed. "Well," I said, "Now that all of you are here… have you eaten? Do you have your rooms yet?"
"Here is my room," she said. "The children are next door. But we have not eaten yet."
"And we're hungry, Mama," said Tirell. "Can we eat now?"
"Of course you can," I said. "And the food here is wonderful. You can have as much as you want, too!" The children cheered at that. Then Kiri unburied her head from my chest and looked up at me with her big, round eyes.
"Mama cold," she said.
"Uh—well, the nights are cold here, you know. I just haven't been by the fire."
"No?" said Leta, reaching out for my cheek. I drew away from her touch.
"Are you sure you're all right, Mara?" she asked. "You look… different. You look pale."
"I'm fine, Leta. I told you that. I just haven't been out in the sun lately."
"I'm sorry. I was only concerned."
"Yes, well—there's nothing wrong with me."
"Sorry."
'Would you like to eat now?" I asked, changing the subject.
Yes!" the children cried. I laughed again and held Kiri closer to me. Her warmth was so comforting—her aroma much stronger now, threatening to overwhelm me. I could hold her like this forever. But then, that's what I was planning on doing.
"Be sure and put all your things away," I announced. "And then ask one of the servants to show you where to eat. All right? Leta and I will be with you soon." Ran and Tirell cheered and rushed out the door to their room. I was alone with Leta and my little one now.
"I'm glad you'll be joining us," she said. "We have so much to talk about. So much has happened since you've been away."
"A lot has happened to me, too."
"I'm sure it has," she said. "Both of you, away in a new land, seeing new and wonderful things. So tell me, what is it like here? What are the people like?"
"It's… different."
"I can imagine," she said, turning away to continue her unpacking. "I'd like to see the whole city tomorrow. Could we do that? Walk together through the town, and you could show me all the sights? Or will you be too busy tomorrow?"
"I—think I might be too busy tomorrow. Sorry."
"Oh, that's all right," she said. "I understand. I'm sure you and Gaar must be—"
"That reminds me," she continued. "Where is Gaar? We have not yet seen him."
"He's… around."
"Oh, I know," she said, turning back to her work, "he must be busy with the other magistrate now, with their trade business, and all that. What was his name again?"
"Gaar."
"No, silly, the other magistrate."
"Agyar."
"Ah, yes. Agyar," she said. "Almost akin to Gaar, I notice. Did you notice that their names are a little similar?"
"Umm, no. No, I hadn't."
"Oh. Well, it hardly means anything, I'm certain. But I hope he can join us later. I do miss him…"
"So do I," I whispered.
"Hmm? Did you say something?"
"Nothing." Kiri had fallen asleep in my arms. Leta and I were silent for a while, and during that time I found myself watching Kiri, listening to her soft breathing, smelling her young, fresh aroma, feeling the warm blood pulsing in her young veins. My mouth began to water, and I parted my lips slightly, ready to kiss my daughter, or perhaps to—
"I'm ready," Leta said, startling me. She moved toward me and stroked Kiri's head tenderly.
"Do you want me to put her to bed for you?" she whispered.
"Uh—" I stammered as a tiny drop of spit fell from my mouth. "Yes," I said. "Yes, I'd be grateful if you did."
My friend reached out and took my child from my arms. I was grateful that she had been taken from me. But then there was also the deep, unacknowledged feeling that someone had just stolen prey that I had captured personally, and my nose quivered slightly.
I could wait no longer. If I didn't do it now, then I never Would. We'll be friends forever, we'll be together forever, I told myself over and over. I can be with the children for all eternity…
Leta returned without Kiri and smiled warmly. We were alone.
"She was so tired," she said. "I saw that the boys have gone to supper. Shall we go, too?"
"Not yet," I said. "I'd, um—like to show you something first."
"Oh? Show me what?"
She waited patiently for an answer, and I opened my mouth to speak, but then turned away quickly instead.
"How was the trip here?" I asked.
"Good," she said curiously. "It went well. Not as long as I thought it would be at all. Do you know this is the first time I've ever left Castrill?"
The Vampire Memoirs Page 17