"You listen to me, woman," he warned, his eyes fading into red now. "I don't like my servants frightening the villagers any more than you do. But I can only control them so much; they're wild creatures! They know only hunger, thirst, cold, heat, and comfort; beyond that, they have no conscience—no sense of decency or morality. I can only do so much with them—"
"And whose fault is that?" I interrupted.
Agyar stiffened. His eyes began to glow a little, and I felt my will being drained slightly.
"They are the way they are," he said in a low growl, "Because I wish them to be the way they are. They may be animals. They may possess no minds, no wills of their own, but that is exactly as I wanted them to be. And I think you ought to bear in mind—in case you decide to criticize my judgment again—that I could just as easily have made you the same way. Understand… dear?"
He watched me intently, waiting for my answer, but I re turned his gaze for some time before I decided to respond.
"I understand," I whispered finally. "Dear."
"Kiss me," he said one night in his study. I hesitated for a second or two, and then leaned over to peck him on the cheek. I leaned back to continue reading my tome, and he sighed once in frustration.
"That's not the best you can do," he said.
"I think it is," I said, not bothering to look up.
"Put the book away," he said.
This time I looked up at him, doing my best to keep my face expressionless. "Why?" I asked.
"Because I want you to."
"Ah," I said. "Of course." I closed the book and set it aside, clasping my hands together and waiting for whatever was next. Agyar moved toward my chair silently and took my hand and yanked me onto my feet. He smiled coldly and pushed my hair from my eyes and forced his lips over mine. I resisted him by keeping my lips "dead"—that is, letting his do all the work while mine did nothing. Finally he pushed me away in frustration and turned away.
"Why do you do this to me?" he complained.
"Do what, dear?" I asked calmly, sealing myself once again.
He whirled around and glared. "You know perfectly well what I mean!" he cried. "You refuse me! No matter what I do for you, always you refuse me."
"Do I?" I said. "I'm sorry. I didn't know I was doing that. You know I only wish to please you."
"You wish to torment me is what you wish!" he said, leaning so close to me I could feel his breath on my face.
"Why?" he continued. "Why do you torment me, and yourself? Why won't you simply come out and admit it??"
"Admit what, dear?" I asked, feigning curiosity. He leaned close to me again, and I had to resist shrinking back in disgust.
"Why won't you admit that you love me?" he whispered.
It was all I could do to keep from laughing in his face. Love him? We had been together for some thirty years or so, and he still knew nothing about me! He was either too stupid or too stubborn to realize how much I hated him—or both!
"Because I don't," I said very calmly. He made a quick sound of anger and frustration before standing up and impulsively raising his arm as though to strike me.
"Liar!" he said. "I know you love me, and you always have! You're only too stubborn to admit it!"
"If you say so, dear," I said.
"I know you at least loved me once," he continued. "And do you know how I know that?" he asked, now hovering over my face. I raised an eyebrow in mock curiosity.
"If you never loved me," he said, "then why was I able to seduce you so quickly, so many years ago? Why did you give your will so quickly to mine, back when you thought you were oh-so-happily married? Answer me that… dear!"
And then he had to strike the ultimate blow. And then he had to imply—no, he insisted—that I had never really loved Gaar at all, but had only pretended to be happily married, until he came along and "showed me otherwise."
That was too much. He could insult me, taunt me, beat me, torture me, and destroy my mind and will—I no longer cared—but he could not insult Gaar's memory and get away with it. Without hesitation I stood up and hit him as hard as I could, and I felt no horror, shock, or guilt at having done so. I felt good.
Agyar nearly lost his balance and had to grip a small nearby table to keep himself from toppling over. I tensed my muscles slightly in preparation for any counterattack he would no doubt make. Perhaps it had been a long time, but I still remembered all my combat techniques and could still defend myself if necessary.
Surprisingly he did not counterattack but only turned his head quickly to look into my eyes. His own eyes burned bright red, and I could feel him assaulting my mind, trying to get in and drain my will away. But I was far too angry to allow him to win. That, and I had been becoming much better at resisting his hypnotic powers; intact, it had become rather rare for them to actually work on me.
He gritted his teeth—now needle-sharp—in a vicious snarl and shook with rage. And still his eyes tried to burn through to my soul, but I would not let them. I'm not sure how long we stood that way, our eyes and minds locked in a fierce, silent combat that neither of us was about to lose.
It did have some effect on me. I could not move, as all my concentration was focused on defending my mind from his control, and he was thus able to reach out suddenly and grip my shoulder. I was startled, but my concentration remained intact, until he suddenly shoved me away from the chair, where I smashed backward into a table and almost fell over.
"Get out of here," he growled. "Get out of my sight, you witch! Get away!"
I was only too happy to leave the room, released from that mental battle as I was. And just in time, too, for I was only a few seconds away from giving in. Agyar's powers were still far greater than mine. A vampire's powers increase with age and experience, you see, and he had at least a three-thousand-year head start on me. But I would never stop trying.
Chapter 20
I chose to spend my time in the stables the rest of that evening. I know what you're thinking: it's a noisy and smelly place, so why bother going there of all places? Well, I knew that Agyar never went there himself, and that alone was good enough for me.
I didn't expect to find Lara when I entered, but it was good to see her, anyway. I needed somebody to talk to, and Agyar's creatures wouldn't do.
She was crouched low in a far corner, eyeing a cow lumbering back and forth in its stall. I saw her fangs flash as she smiled, and she began creeping slowly and silently toward the big animal.
She didn't seem to notice me, so I crept up to the other side of the stall and knelt down, waiting for her to approach. She was quiet enough, but my ears are much sharper than a human's, even more so than most vampires', and I popped my head up the moment I sensed she was near. She caught sight of me and yelped once and nearly fell backward in fright.
"Mistress!" she cried. "Don't frighten me like that!"
"Sorry," I said, coming around the stall to join her, "I was only teasing."
I reached her and took her into my arms in a tight hug and kissed the top of her head. She looked at me curiously when we parted.
"Have you and the master fought again?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. "You're getting very perceptive. That or I've become very predictable."
"You're predictable," she said.
I laughed and rubbed her shoulder. I couldn't take the smell in this place much longer, though.
"Umm… Lara," I said, "Do you really like being in here? The stench is unbearable."
She smiled and shrugged. "Your senses are much better than mine," she said. "But we can leave, if you like."
"Oh, thank you!" I said, and I put my arm around her and led her from the stables. We walked a bit before finding a storage room, and sat beside each other on the floor.
"If you hate the smell, then why go to the stables, mistress?" she asked.
I sighed. "I was just trying to find a place to be alone. But what about you? What were you doing to that cow?"
She looked down, apparently ashame
d. "Oh…" she said, "Just… um… playing. That's all."
"It looked like you were charming it."
"Oh, well, that's… um… yes, I was just charming it. I do that with all the animals. Just for play. I'm not allowed to charm people, remember?"
"Oh," I said, nodding. "I see."
"I mean, it's not as though I take blood from them, too, or… anything." Too late for her words. Lara and I were bonded by blood; I could sense her stronger feelings.
"Lara…" I said warningly, "I don't think you're telling me the truth."
She laughed nervously and shrugged. "What's there to tell?" she asked. "I was only playing."
"Lara…" I said in a gentler tone. "If you're afraid of my finding out anything, well, don't be. I don't care what you do, and do you really think I would tell Ag—er, the master anything?"
"Urn… no," she said. "No, I guess you wouldn't. I mean of course you wouldn't. We're friends."
"We're best friends," I corrected, and patted her knee. "So tell me; you weren't cheating, were you?"
"Oh, well… only a little, really," she said. "Only sometimes. I mean, I don't take that much, really I don't. You can even look at them, you'll see I'm not making them anemic or anything."
"That's fine, love, that's fine," I said in my most reassuring voice. "I'm not angry. But then, if I were you I'd stop 'cheating' like that. Sooner or later the master will find out."
"Well, maybe he'll think one of his smelly vampires did it."
"Maybe, but I wouldn't hope too much. Meanwhile, I'd rather not spend all night talking about blood. It bothers me."
"Yes," she said. "Makes me hungry, too."
Must she always spell things out so bluntly?
"Umm, well…" I said, and put my arm around her. "Maybe we'll play a game or something. Do you know any games?"
She shrugged. "We could play 'Charm the Cow,'" she said.
"Uh, no, that's all right," I said.
Lara sighed. "Mmm, no, I'm bored with that, too," she said. "I wish I could practice on people, though."
"Why?"
"Oh, I don't know, make them do funny things, or something. Give them after-commands. For instance—"
"I don't like being charmed myself, Lara," I said. "I don't think other people do, either."
"Oh, I wouldn't hurt them," she insisted.
"I know that, but it's just not very kind, that's all. I'd rather you charm me than some other poor soul. After all, the master would—"
"May I?" she cried suddenly. "May I practice on you, mistress?"
"What?"
"I promise I won't make you do anything you don't want, and I won't make you—"
"Wait wait wait, love…" I said, but she grabbed hold of my arm and tugged it. The real blow was when she gave me that look which never failed to make me give in to her requests, the look that put lonesome puppy dogs to shame.
"Aaaack!" I cried. "Stop that, stop making that face!"
"Oh, pleeeeease, mistress?" she said, loving every minute of this. "Please let me charm you?"
"I hate it when you beg like this—"
"Pleeeeease?"
She flashed me another one of those looks of hers and soon I had no choice.
"All right!" I cried, throwing my arms up in surrender, "All right, you win! Do as you wish!"
She shrieked and clapped her hands in glee, then scooted around so we were facing each other.
"Oh, thank you, mistress!" she cried. "Thank you, thank you!"
"I wouldn't be letting you do this if you hadn't cheated."
"Oh, I promise not to make you do anything you—"
"—wouldn't want to, I know. I trust you, love," I said. "But you ought to calm down first."
"Oh, yes," she said. "Calm down." She started taking slow, deep breaths until she had calmed herself sufficiently. I suppressed my laughter in the meantime.
"I'm ready now, mistress," she said. "So… what must I do?"
"You do pretty much what you do with the cows, I suppose," I said. "Do you look at their eyes, and feel for their thoughts?"
"Mmmhmm…"
"And, after that you make your thoughts into theirs?"
"Umm… yes. Yes, that's what I do."
"Well, just do that, then."
"That's it?" she said. "It's not different, or harder?"
"Oh, it's certainly harder than charming a cow," I said. "But don't worry; I won't resist you."
"Please don't," she said. "You'd end up charming me instead."
"I promise not to do that."
"Secret promise?"
I laughed. "All right, secret promise," I said, and we reached out to grab each other's noses.
"I secret promise not to charm you instead," I said, and we let go.
"Good," she said. "I know you won't break that." As though we ever had any real punishment for breaking "secret promises!" I was getting impatient, though.
"I think you're just stalling, cub," I said.
"I'm not," she said. "I'm starting right now."
"Of course. Start, then."
She was silent, and she took more deep breaths. I relaxed and reminded myself not to resist in any way. Then we looked each other straight in the eyes, and Lara started to giggle, until I slapped her playfully on the thigh. She forced herself to stop giggling, and then her eyes started changing…
I almost started to resist, but then forced myself not to. It wasn't easy, as she was inexperienced and was a bit rough getting into my mind. I ended up guiding her in myself, until she got the feel of it, and men her thoughts became mine. All she needed do now was give a command.
Most of it was a blur after that. I remember she was very excited about having charmed a person for the first time, and her former mistress, no less. She clapped a lot and told me how she could feel my mind and all. I already knew what it felt like to charm someone, though.
Then I became overwhelmed with fear—not mine, but Lara's, and there was an awful tearing sensation as she tried to pull her mind from mine too quickly. I almost passed out, when suddenly another mind smashed its way into my thoughts, and I was back to being someone's servant.
Agyar's.
"W-we were only playing, master," Lara gasped. "W-we meant no harm."
"You've done quite well, Lara," he said, his gaze never leaving mine, "I'm actually rather proud of you."
"Y-you are, master?" she gulped.
"Yes," he said, still watching me, "You've controlled her when I could not. I thank you. You may go now."
"Sh-she asked me to, master," she continued, "We were just playing, you see, so it's not as though—"
"You may go, Lara," he said, and she stopped babbling instantly and ran from the stables in terror. And I wanted to do the same, but could not. Agyar smiled again and gestured silently for me to stand, and I obeyed. I had become fairly competent at resisting his charming, but if a vampire actually succeeds in charming someone, the victim might as well stop resisting. It's almost impossible. I was his to command.
He reached a hand for my chin and cradled it.
"Kiss me," he said. "Kiss me like you mean it."
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him exactly as he wished—like I meant it. Then he let me part from him, but I could only wait for more orders.
"Why do you despise me, Mara?" he murmured. "Why do you loathe me so? You loved me once, I'm sure of it. Tell me you loved me!"
"I loved you," I said, trying in vain to resist. He would not let his concentration falter, however.
"But you hate me now, much as I tell myself otherwise. This should not be; we were destined for each other! But destined for each other in love, not hate! Yet you hate me. Why, Mara? Why do you hate me?"
I had plenty of reasons for hating him, and I struggled to let them escape my lips, but he didn't truly want to hear them. He held my mind in his own; he ought to have sensed my reasons, if not understood them outright. But he didn't want me to actually say them, and I remained silent.
> "Love me, Mara," he pleaded. "It's all I ask of you. Love me, and I swear you shall live as a queen. I am magistrate now, and could be so much more, but your hatred holds me back. It cripples me, Mara! I offer you so much, yet you'll take none of it! Is love so much to ask for? Is it truly such a torture for you to take me in your arms and hold me and kiss me and stay with me forever? Is it?
"Please try to love me, Mara," he pleaded. "I don't want to have to keep commanding you to kiss me or hold me. It wearies me to have to charm you always, as I'm certain it wearies you. If only to make things better for both of us—try to love me," he said, and his eyes stopped glowing, and I could feel his mind pulling out of mine, and my own will growing strong as it ever was. Love him of my own free will—that's all he wanted, he had said. He would be so happy if I only loved him, he had said, and I would be a queen.
Chapter 21
Agyar did find out about Lara's playing in the stables and practicing on the animals, which I feared would happen. So he tried to punish her.
He tried to punish her. He ordered her to be whipped ten times; only I intervened and prevented any lashings. I told him that if the end of a whip came within ten feet of her, I would kill him. He knew I meant it, so he ordered the lashings for me instead. I never told Lara what had happened, and wouldn't let her give me any rubdowns or baths until the scars went away. That didn't take too long, fortunately.
Obviously I made no effort to love Agyar after he had commanded me to, which only drove him to further punishment. He must have believed that fear and pain were important parts of love, or he wouldn't have expected me to learn to love him after being beaten. I did fear him, I'll give him that; I was terrified of him. But I wasn't going to let that fear make me give in to him, either.
He was always trying all sorts of tricks to have his way with me, besides the hypnotizing, blackmailing, threatening, and other such things. As an instance, some decades into our "marriage," I spied him talking with an old woman for a few days in a row. Later on, I watched her leave the house for the last time, and before I knew it, she had vanished in a big flash of light and smoke! A witch? I thought. He's associating with witches now?
The Vampire Memoirs Page 20