Before the tears turned into sobs, I turned and bolted down the stairs, and right out the front door. I could hear my dad’s calls and Nick’s steps thundering after me.
“Leah wait!” Dad yelled, but I kept moving until I broke into a full sprint down the side walk in the direction of the park.
ooooooooo
Nick
After Leah disappeared upstairs, Mr. Carmichael ushered me into the living room. He offered me a seat, and began to pace in front of me. I could tell that something was wrong, but I was not prepared for what he was about to tell me.
He looked up at me with anguish marring his features as he blurted out, “She’s dying!”
My mouth dropped open as disbelief flooded me. How was this happening right now? I come over here all the time to visit. The last time I was here I was told that the treatments were working.
“How?” I choked out.
“We’ve known for a while,” he mumbled. “Just didn’t want to face it I guess. She has her good days and bad ones.”
I placed my elbows on my knees, and dropped my head into my hands. Reality was slowly sinking in.
“This is going to kill her,” I mumbled as I thought about what this was going to do to Leah. “I can’t protect her from this.”
“I know Son,” Mr. Carmichael came over and sat beside me. “She’s gonna need you more than ever right now.”
Before I could gather my thoughts on exactly what I was going to be faced with, Leah came barreling down the stairs and flew out the door.
“Leah wait,” her dad called just as I leapt to my feet to run after her.
I chased her the three blocks it took to get to the local park. Nothing could prepare me for what I found. Leah was collapsed in a pile under a maple tree. Our maple tree, the one where we always met after she would finish practice. Her arms were crossed over her knees with her face buried. Her shoulders were heaving as the sobs poured out of her, and her anguished cry ripped through the quiet spring air.
When she came back, she was broken. Now…this was going to shatter her. How was I going to put her back together? How was I going to fix this?
Chapter 12
Nick
3 Months Later…
As we sat together and watched Mrs. Carmichael slowly fade away, I couldn’t help but notice that Leah was fading too. It was like the life was being sucked out of her, and there was nothing I could do but watch. Things had changed completely for her. The life that she thought she was coming home to, was vastly different than the one she was actually living in.
I was slowly realizing that Leah was not going to be the same after this. She’d given up so much in her life to try and reach her dreams, and yet every time she thought she was close, the universe seemed to have other ideas. After some convincing, Mr. Brody, our school’s principal agreed to let Leah take a leave of absence. She hadn’t wanted to at first, but her heart and mind just weren’t into coaching at the moment. Once her schedule had cleared, she spent pretty much every waking moment at her parent’s house. Avery and I had been taking turns staying with her, but I’m not really sure if it even registered that we were there. Leah was numb. She went through the motions, but she reacted as a robot would.
“You need to eat something,” I begged as I brought her a sandwich.
She’d been sleeping in her old room. Being back here was surreal. The happy as well as the sad memories that this room held seemed to permeate the air. I remember countless nights of climbing the tree outside her window so I could sneak into her room. When I glanced around at all the ribbons hanging on the wall along with pictures of us, I couldn’t help but smile.
“I need to take it down,” she mumbled as she rolled over to put her back in my direction.
“Why?” I touched her shoulder.
This detached version of her was the only one I’d been able to get to talk to me recently.
“It’s not real. None of it matters anymore,” she replied in a monotone voice. “Leave me alone.”
“I think I’ve done enough of that lately Leah. Don’t do this…don’t push me away.”
“Go away Nick! I don’t want to talk to you,” she gritted out.
“Fine,” I snapped.
I’d been dealing with this for weeks now. Avery had put up with her abuse, and so had I. The only person she seemed to be able to talk to was her mother. She’d been in and out of consciousness lately though, so their talks had been getting few and far between.
Leah’s mom had stopped taking her medication. She had claimed that it made her feel worse, and if she was going to die anyway, what was the point. I understood where she was coming from, but Leah didn’t. They’d argued just the other night that she needed to fight this. Leah had stomped into her room like a petulant child, and that’s where things ended. She’d yet to come out other than to shower, and, of course, her mom had been stuck on bed rest for a while.
I sighed when I reached her door, and turned to face her back that was still turned toward me, “I don’t know how to get through to you. I love you, you know that? I would do anything for you. I’d give my life for you, but I can’t change this. I can’t make it go away. I can’t fix it,” I shook my head and added softer, “You’re going to lose the time you have left if you sit in here and sulk. You’re dad needs you to be strong. Think of him and what he’s going through. He’s losing his wife, Leah. Don’t let him lose a daughter at the same time.”
ooooooooo
Leah
As the door clicked closed, I let the tears flow once again. It seemed that all I’d done for the last few weeks was cry. My world was slowly falling apart, and the glue that usually fixed it couldn’t fix this.
My mom had always been the one to tell me that things would be ok. She was the one to hold me after Nick broke my heart. She was the one who came to Atlanta after my accident, and sat with me in the hospital. She’s the one who encouraged me to keep getting the surgeries and going to rehab. Every time I wanted to give up, she was the one who wouldn’t let me. Now I was going to lose her, and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do to change that.
The last straw broke three weeks ago when my mom decided that it was in her best interest to stop taking the pills. She claimed that she wanted to feel like a real person during the last few months of her life, but to me it sounded like she was giving up. I had tried talking to her. It had started out ok, but she was adamant to stop the medication. Our discussion had escalated into a screaming matching that ended with me stomping out of the room. Since then I’ve only gone in to see her when she’s been sleeping.
Since that night, I haven’t left the house. Avery and Nick have been taking turns staying here with me. I’m surprised I haven’t driven them crazy. Although after what Nick just said to me, I doubt he’ll stick around much more. I know I’m pushing him away, but I just don’t know how to let him in right now.
I talked to my boss back when all of this came to light, and he agreed to give me an indefinite leave of absence. I know I’m letting the girls down, but I just don’t think that I could coach them in a way that they deserve. They ended the season well, maybe I’ll see some of them next year if I can get myself together by then.
It was summer now, and Nick has had football camp to deal with. When he’s been away, Avery has come over and tried to talk some sense into me, so she says. I just don’t know how to get past this.
My dad seems to be coping rather well. He’s been going to work. The pizza shop hasn’t been closed once since all this happened. I don’t know how he’s doing it. He looks normal on the outside, but he has to be breaking on the inside. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get.
“Why?” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I look at the ceiling. “Why are you doing this to me?”
Thundering steps are heard outside my door before it flies open, and I see my dad standing there.
“What’s wrong?” his voice was laced with fear.
“I’m sorry
,” I started to sob. I can feel the tears coming, and I can’t seem to hold them back. “I didn’t…mean…to…scare you,” it was all coming out broken. “Daddy?” I reached for him as he sat down on the bed beside me and wrapped me in giant hug. We hadn’t sat like this since I was little, and it felt good knowing I still fit there. “Why is this happening to us,” I mumbled. “What did I do to deserve a life like this?”
My dad push back slightly so he could look me in the eyes, “You’ve had a great life, Leah. Not many people can say that they trained for the Olympics. You have two loving parents, a best friend who would do anything for you, you’re healthy, and you have a man in your life who would die for you. I’d say that’s pretty good.”
I nodded as I swiped at my eyes, “But Momma…it’s not fair. What did she do to deserve this?”
“Nothing sweetie. Sometimes things like this happen, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Your mom has accepted that things are what they are, and I’m trying to honor her decision.” He paused, “and you should too.”
“I’m trying,” I cried. “I don’t think I can.”
“Oh honey,” he wrapped me in a hug and swayed us back-and-forth. “You need to, for your mom’s sake.”
ooooooooo
The next morning I awoke with a new purpose. As much as I was hurting at the moment, my dad was right. I needed to be strong for my mom. It still amazed me that my dad could talk to me like I was twelve instead of twenty-two.
When I climbed out of bed, dressed, and pulled my hair into a loose knot, I began digging through my closet. I knew there were albums and scrapbooks in there somewhere, I just had to find them.
After about twenty minutes, I found what I was looking for, and made my way down to my mother’s room. Knocking softly on the door, I pushed it open to find my mom sitting up reading. She looked so tired. Her cheeks were sunken in, and her skin was a ghostly white. I knew she hadn’t been eating, and her hair had thinned considerably.
“Morning,” I whispered as I crept closer.
A smile began to form on her face when she saw me, “Morning sweetie. I’m glad you decided to come see me. Come sit,” she patted the bed beside her.
As I moved closer, I felt like a child, not the adult I was. The room was so depressing, and my mom looked so weak. She’d always been the strong one in the family, and now we were having to switch roles.
I moved up, and sat next to her as I spread my treasures in front of her. She’d kept books upon books of my accomplishments growing up. They started with honor roll certificates and report cards, but soon morphed into ribbons and newspaper articles about the latest record I’d broken.
“I remember these,” she smiled softly as she ran her fingers along the edge of the leather binding. “Where’d you find them?”
“Closet,” I fought to keep my voice steady. “I thought you might want to look at them.”
“Sounds nice,” she sighed as she placed her book beside herself.
We spent the next several hours looking through the albums. Pictures upon pictures of milestones in my life graced the pages. First steps, first haircut, first birthday…then they moved on to first race, first meet, first ribbon, first time I broke a record. Prom, graduation, announcements of my invitation to join the Olympic team. Every bright moment I’d had in my life was confined to these leather bound albums. My mom, my number one fan, had made sure that everyone who she knew, knew what a success I was. The love and care that was put in to creating them was slowly breaking my heart.
As I closed the last one, I noticed the fatigue my mom was fighting. She had been yawning for a while but had kept talking to me. We hadn’t had an afternoon like this in forever, and I knew that she was trying to prolong it as much as possible.
“Why don’t you get some rest? I’ll go put these away,” I tried to smile as I turned toward her.
“Ok honey,” she nodded as she slid down in the bed. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom. I’ll see you in the morning,” I leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead as she closed her eyes and drifted into a peaceful sleep.
If I had known what the next day would bring, I never would have left the room.
Chapter 13
Nick
2 weeks later…
It had been nine days since we buried Leah’s mom. Nine days since I sat in the church trying to make sense of what was really happening. Mr. Carmichael was doing better than anyone had expected. A sadness had settled over him, but he was fighting his way through the grief. He’d told me one day that he’d had thirty years with his wife, and he was thankful he’d found her.
Neighbors had been bringing food by for days. I don’t really understand the purpose in that. I mean, most people have no desire to eat when they’re grieving, but that seems to be when everyone wants to feed you.
Leah had spent every day locked in her room. I was closely coming to a breaking point. I had no idea how to get her to snap back to reality. It was like she thought that it wouldn’t be real if she stayed hidden away and didn’t talk about it. Her dad and I were worried along with most of our friends. I’d been neglecting my team as well as my brother to stay with Leah. I wasn’t even sure on some days if she knew I was there. Today for instance, I went up to her room with breakfast, and she wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence.
ooooooooo
“I think it’s time she talk to somebody about this,” I sighed as I put the uneaten food back in the fridge.
“Yeah, I agree,” Mr. Carmichael sighed. “This isn’t like her.”
“I’m gonna need some help getting her there. You know she’s going to hate me for this,” I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes shut. Leah was going to go nuts at the idea of seeing a shrink. Her coach made her see one after her accident, and she wouldn’t stop complaining about it for months afterward.
“I’ll help you,” he grimaced. “I owe it to her mother to get her past this. How do you plan to get her out of the room?”
“By force if I need to,” I shook my head. I didn’t like the idea of forcing Leah to do anything, but she was in such a dark place right now that she wasn’t thinking rationally.
ooooooooo
Leah
I don’t how to explain the darkness that seemed to settle over me. Nick, my dad, Avery, they were all trying to pull me from it, but I just didn’t care anymore. My mom was gone…that wasn’t going to change. The idea of moving on, acting as if I wasn’t breaking apart on the inside, I just couldn’t do it. I had no desire to do it. Maybe that was the real issue. I just didn’t care anymore.
The day we buried her was the hardest day of my life. I look back at it, as if it were a dream. A horrible nightmare that I wish I could wake up from. We had her laid to rest in our church’s cemetery. Pink roses, Mom’s favorite, had been draped everywhere. Amazing Grace floated through the air from the church organ, as afternoon sun shone through the windows. The church had been full of friends and family, but none of that mattered to me. The fact that I was going to have to go through life without my mom was all I could think about. All the things she was going miss…me getting married, having a baby…she was going to miss it all.
Every time you think you might be ready for something, think again. When I was told that I would probably never run competitively again, I thought that was the worst moment in my life. I thought nothing could possibly be worse. No amount of pain or despair could top that moment when I was lying in a hospital bed surrounded by my teammates. I was so wrong on so many levels. The pain that ripped through my chest when they carried my mom out of our house and placed her in a silent ambulance…that was way worse. To know that there was no hurry to get to the hospital because there was nothing they could do. I felt like my chest had been split open, and someone was squeezing my heart in a tight fist. I still don’t know how my dad did it. How he kept it together. I haven’t seen him cry yet.
ooooooooo
As I rolled onto my si
de placing my back to the bedroom door, I heard it creak open. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. I didn’t want to deal with Nick or anyone else at the moment.
“Leah, whether you want me here or not, I’m coming in,” Nick’s voice was stern.
“Go away. I don’t want to talk to you,” I groaned from under the covers.
“No, you’ve been left alone enough. Your dad and I are worried about you. You need to talk to someone,” he hedged.
I could hear him moving closer to the bed and felt it dip with his weight. He pulled the covers back, and stared at my face. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
“About what,” I snapped.
“Leah…” he begged. “I know you’re hurting. I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need any help. I need my mom, and you can’t give her back to me so I don’t see a need to talk to you about anything.” I knew what I said was cruel, but I really didn’t care. I wanted Nick to go away, and being a bitch to him seemed to be the only way for it to happen. I had hoped that he would give up, but so far my efforts had failed.
“You don’t mean that,” he whispered as he reached up to cup my cheek.
“Oh yeah,” I barked back. “What do I mean then Nick? You know me so well. I mean, I would never do something unexpected, right? Like leave town?”
Nick recoiled as a coldness settled in his eyes. I had hit the mark. Finally…a real reaction, one that I could work with…anger. He shook his head and narrowed a glare at me. “I’ve taken enough abuse from you Leah. I love you, and I don’t know how to prove that to you.” He stood and walked over to the door before turning back in my direction, “Your dad and I made an appointment for you to talk to someone. You’re going to go even if I have to carry you there. Get up, take a shower, and be downstairs in twenty minutes, or I’m going to take you looking like that.”
He stepped into the hallway, and slammed to door shut behind him. The last time I’d seen him walk away like that was the night we broke up. That night seemed like a lifetime ago.
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