“No! I refuse!”
Blinking, Penelope turned her attention to an elderly woman with greying hair hastily combed and pinned up.
Her face was soft, kind, the sort of face that despite being lined with age, still displayed the beauty she’d had in youth. She had a lifebelt secured over her chest, and, much like everyone else, was dressed rather improperly for such a public place, her modesty only saved by the coat she wore.
“I have been by your side for forty-years. Do not ask me to leave you now.” She was addressing an elderly man whom Penelope could only assume was her husband. He was balding and had a thick beard and a pair of glasses perched on his nose. “We either both get in that boat, or we both stay here.”
The man shook his head. “I cannot, in good conscience, get into a lifeboat when there are still women and children to be saved.”
His wife smiled at him, nothing but love and adoration in her gaze. She reached for his hands and gripped them both tightly in her own. “Then we stay here. Where you go, I go.” Her eyes narrowed in a playful glare, “And you know that arguing gets you nowhere, Isidor.”
Huffing a laugh, Isidor brought his wife’s hands to his lips and pressed a fierce kiss to her fingers. “Then come, and let us not crowd the area for those still loading.” He guided his wife’s hand into the crook of his elbow, and they headed towards the back of the ship.
As Penelope watched them go, she removed one hand from around her midriff to wipe at the tears that had fallen from her eyes.
They were so utterly devoted to each other that, even after forty years, they refused to leave each other’s side.
Penelope had never believed she would ever find a love like that. She knew she would never find it with a man, and the chances of finding a woman who would love her in such a devoted way were slim when it was something they couldn’t be public about.
And yet, now, as she sat there thinking about Isidor and his wife, she thought of Ruby.
She couldn’t say she loved her—she barely even knew her—but they had been through so much in such a short time that she felt as though her soul was tied to her.
Ruby had been there when she’d felt like she would never find another girl who felt the same way she did. Ruby had taught her what it was like to laugh and be daring for a change. Ruby had shown her that being adventurous was just as important as everything else she had been raised to be, and Ruby was there now, as they navigated their way through a disaster neither of them could have ever imagined.
How could she not think that the woman was tied to her?
Who was to say that this wasn’t her chance to know devotion, no matter how brief? Even if it lasted only for a few more hours before she knew nothing more of the world, she could at least depart knowing she had felt that.
With a deep sigh, Penelope returned her arms to around her stomach. Those were thoughts for later—if there was a later, of course—and she couldn’t be distracted by them now.
“Penelope! Penelope!”
Ruby rushed to her side, and before Penelope could say a thing, Ruby dragged her into a standing position. “Daddy has a space for us on a boat! Victoria and the children are boarding right now, we have to go!” Ruby gripped her hand tightly and started to drag her through the crowds and towards the other side of the ship.
“Wait, Ruby!” She yanked her hand free, tucking it under her armpit so Ruby couldn’t reach it again. She shook her head fiercely. “What do you mean, there’s a boat?”
“A lifeboat. Daddy managed to find one for us. One that knows we’re coming, so…” Ruby stretched out her hand towards her.
“I… I thought the plan was to find your family so they could help me find mine?” She glanced briefly over Ruby’s shoulder, finding a lifeboat being loaded with women and children, as were most of the others. More men seemed to be standing around this side of the ship.
“That was the plan. Victoria and Frank even agreed with me—”
Penelope cut her off, voice sharp. “Then why are we going into a boat?”
Ruby let out a long breath. “Because Daddy arrived, and he refused. He wouldn’t let us go down with the ship. But I mentioned you and he told me I could come and get you! I promised I wouldn’t leave you, Penelope!” Ruby approached her, taking Penelope’s face in both hands.
Her words caused Penelope to frown, surprised at their resemblance to the words Isidor’s wife had said to him.
With a deep inhale, Penelope wondered if things would have been different for the elderly couple if they had been younger. Would he have insisted his wife board because she had her life ahead of her? Would she have gone because she hadn’t had decades of marriage to point at and declare it enough?
Exhaling, Penelope covered Ruby’s hands with her own. “Let’s go to the boat.”
Ruby’s answering smile was breathtaking. It reminded Penelope of the very first true smile she had seen from her when she had volunteered to help watch the children with her. How open it had been, how it had totally transformed and lit up her face, morphing her from beautiful to ethereal.
Ruby turned and led Penelope through the crowds, a flurry of apologies breaking free from her mouth as she pushed and nudged people in a most unbecoming manner.
There was a group of people around the lifeboat when they finally reached it, and Penelope spotted Victoria, Frank, Liam, and Julia, along with Ruby’s father.
All their eyes landed on her when they finally reached them. She had no doubt that she looked a state, still shivering intermittently, and still utterly drenched, though she could no longer feel that much.
“Miss Fletcher,” Ruby’s father said by way of greeting, tugging at his forelock in lieu of his absent hat. She smiled at him, unable to make her mouth cooperate with words. “I’m sorry our second meeting must be under such circumstances.”
As am I, she wanted to say, but no sound came.
She wondered if she’d ever be able to speak again. She wanted to say a lot of things—to apologise that he was ill and to promise to look after his daughter, to care for her. She wanted to thank him for raising Ruby so well, to praise him for bringing her up to be a bright star in the darkest of nights.
But all she could manage was a shaky smile that faded almost as soon as it had flickered onto her lips.
He turned away to the lifeboat, and as the crowd around the area started to thin, he waved his arm to bid his family to move.
He reached for his son first, kneeling to his level and whispering something in his ear.
Then he embraced him tightly, a tear falling down over his lined cheek which he brushed away on Liam’s lifebelt.
When he pulled away, he gently stroked Liam’s jaw with his knuckles before hoisting him into his arms. The seaman in the lifeboat took him from his father, settling him between two women who wrapped their arms around his shoulders, comforting him as he seemed to understand what was happening and started to cry.
Penelope watched Mr. Cole swallow hard before he turned away, reaching for Victoria’s hand. He gave her the same treatment, whispering in her ear and giving her a final embrace before guiding her into the boat. After that followed Julia, who, safely positioned between her mother and her uncle, turned to the front and asked, “Why isn’t Daddy coming with us?”
Penelope’s heart leapt to her throat and she had to turn away. She knew that, should she look much longer, her expression would give away the severity of the situation, which was no doubt the last thing Victoria and Frank wanted.
After saying something to the officer in charge of loading, Frank stepped up to the boat, but he didn’t board. “Daddy’s going to get on another boat, darling. This one is just for women and children. But Daddy will meet you later.” He swallowed heavily, reaching for her hand and pressing a fierce kiss to her knuckles. “I promise.”
Tears were streaming freely down Vi
ctoria’s face when Penelope finally found the strength to face them again. She watched as Victoria buried her face in her daughter’s hair, trying to mask her crying so that Julia didn’t notice. Penelope was thankful that it seemed to work.
Frank then stepped away from the boat, thanking the officer and rubbing at his eyes. He took a few steps away, watching from a distance, but out of sight of his wife and child.
Ruby’s father then beckoned Ruby forwards. She turned to Penelope, offering her a dazzling smile, and gave her hand a squeeze. It was the sort of squeeze that made it seem that, in five seconds’ time, they’d be holding hands again and it would be like they had never parted.
Once more Penelope watched the ritual as father embraced daughter, watched them whispering goodbyes into each other’s ears, speaking of their love in a way that was possible only for people facing their own mortality.
It made her heart ache.
Not just because it didn’t seem fair for a father to have to say a final farewell to his daughter in such a rushed manner, trying to fit a lifetime’s worth of love into a few seconds.
But also because she wouldn’t get to do that.
Her relationship with her parents may never have been as steady or as solid as the one Ruby shared with hers, but that didn’t mean anything.
In that moment, all Penelope wanted to do was let her parents know that, despite it all, she loved them. She needed them to know that she understood their feelings for her; that emotions were complicated. Penelope’s own mind had warped and twisted things to make them seem worse, and now she just wanted to let them know that she loved them.
Ruby was assisted into the boat by her father and the officer, and she settled herself on the other side of Liam, thanking the woman who had been comforting him before taking over.
She tucked her brother against her side, bringing his head to her chest as she ran her fingers through his hair.
Ruby then raised her head and met Penelope’s gaze. Her smile was a soft, gentle thing, beckoning Penelope closer. “Come, my dear, they want to start lowering the boat.”
Mr. Cole reached his hand out to Penelope, who stared blankly at it for a long moment before she finally got her mouth to work. She cleared her throat and asked, “Which boat is this? I… I understand they’re all numbered…?”
Mr. Cole turned to the officer and repeated the question, who answered, “Lifeboat sixteen,” before he turned and started to shout orders for it to be lowered. He focused his attention back on Penelope. “Hurry, Penelope, there’s no time to waste.”
“Penelope?” Ruby called out. She sat upright, her brother still resting on her chest, his eyes now closed. She looked so earnest. Her brows were furrowed, but she had a welcoming smile on her lips, as if she were trying to assuage Penelope’s fears.
Everything was still, quiet, floating away until all Penelope could think of and see was Ruby. All she heard were memories of her laughter, her voice, her moans.
“Penelope?”
Blinking, Penelope took one step backwards. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, unsure if Ruby would even be able to hear her. Then she took off into the crowd with Ruby’s cry of her name haunting her mind.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Mother! Father!”
Her throat burned. The only thing she was truly able to feel was the sting in her vocal cords, the rasp with each syllable as she pushed her way through the crowds, clawing at the backs of strangers who had similar features to her parents and turning them around only to be disappointed when they weren’t them.
She gathered looks from everyone she passed, a mix of concern, confusion and embarrassment, but she didn’t care. She had to find them now. She had to find them, because if she didn’t, then she had left Ruby alone on that lifeboat for no reason.
A part of her—in fact, it sounded more like Ruby in her head than herself—tried to say that there was a good chance her parents, or at least her mother, were already in a lifeboat.
But she couldn’t accept that. Not just because that would, once again, mean that she had given up her one chance of getting off the ship safely for nothing. But because it would mean that her parents had left her. Without trying to look for her.
And Penelope couldn’t accept that. For all she had resented their constant nagging, it was really their bizarre way of showing they cared. They didn’t want her to be shunned in society for the way she acted or dressed or spoke. They wanted her settled with a good husband, which wouldn’t happen if she hadn’t learnt proper manners.
She refused to accept that they had just left her.
“Mother!” she tried again, her voice hoarse. “Father!”
Just as she started to descend to the Promenade Deck to once again search her way through the different levels, a hand caught her arm. She turned, a gasp lodging in her throat. For a brief second, she worried that Ruby had followed her off the boat and caught up with her.
But those fears were allayed when she was greeted by the face of a stranger. He had kind eyes and a thick, black moustache. His pyjamas showed under the coat he wore. He didn’t have a lifebelt on, a fact which filled Penelope with curiosity.
“Dear girl, what are you doing? All the women and children are supposed to be on lifeboats.” His grip was sure and strong, unyielding but still gentle. He started to lead her back the way she had come, but Penelope ground her heels into the deck, throwing all her weight into the action and stopping them both short.
“No.”
The man raised his brows in astonishment. “No?” He leaned down to her level so that he could look her dead in the eye. “What’s your name?” When she told him, he continued, “Penelope. I’m Mr. Ismay. Though, I suppose, given the circumstances, you can call me Bruce.” He smiled warmly at her. “No one is more devastated than I am about this, but there is no way Titanic can survive. She is going down, and I refuse to allow a young woman such as yourself to be a victim. There are still plenty of lifeboats waiting and—”
“I don’t want to go down with her,” Penelope cut him off, sounding breathless. “Believe me. But my parents… I don’t know where they are, and I can’t leave them. And you can’t make me.”
He sighed heavily before he straightened. “No. No, I cannot. There are another thirteen or so boats left, Penelope. And they’re being launched rather quickly. I implore you, if you can’t find your parents in the next twenty minutes, give up.” His eyes were solemn. “I assure you that your parents would not be happy about you dying for them.”
Hearing those words—dying for them—caused Penelope to shiver. Her teeth chattered, and her arms wrapped subconsciously around her waist. It was the first physical sensation she had felt in what seemed like hours. She wasn’t even certain how long had passed since that screeching had filled the silence of the night and the juddering from the ship striking the iceberg that had nearly knocked her and Ruby from their bed.
“I can promise that much,” she agreed in a small voice.
Then, with a heavy sigh, Mr. Ismay nodded and beckoned her to leave.
Penelope took off without another thought, not wanting him to change his mind.
She had only taken two steps when she heard three loud bangs in quick succession. A scream tore its way from her throat, adding to the cacophony of others.
She whirled around on the spot, her eyes wide and darting frantically as she searched for the cause. She worried that something inside the ship had snapped due to the strain of being so far submerged.
As she followed the gazes of those around her, she found the source of the bangs.
One of the officers helping to load the lifeboats held a revolver above his head, pointing it towards the sky. Penelope could only assume that he had fired it.
Had he just wanted to get people to listen to him so that they wouldn’t overwhelm the boats, or had he been aiming at someone?
As if this isn’t hard enough, she thought, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself.
She scrubbed the back of her hand across her face, trying to ignore how utterly weary she felt. All she really wanted to do was lie down and sleep. She wanted her old bed, back in Scotland, with its thick blankets, and her hot water bottle to keep her warm in the cold winter nights. She wanted the comfort of her own trappings.
Steeling herself, Penelope released the breath she had been holding and continued her journey to A Deck. It felt silly, going down to an area reserved for First Class passengers, but she doubted that mattered much now. And her cries on the Boat Deck had gotten her nowhere, so she was willing to try anything.
As she rushed into the exclusive promenade, making her way down the Grand Staircase that she and Ruby had been so eager to see, she thought of her lover out in the boat.
She knew that she had been kept there—if she had managed to break free, she would be at Penelope’s side right now. She hoped that she wasn’t beating herself up too much. Penelope hadn’t meant to hurt her; in fact, she had even planned to follow her into the boat.
But seeing the families say farewell had struck something inside her. She needed to find her own family before she could try to get to safety. She wouldn’t be one of those people who saved themselves without a care for the ones she loved.
Penelope burst into the First Class smoking room, surprised to find it occupied by several men, all in white tie. None of them wore lifebelts. They lounged about in their chairs, cigars and cigarettes in their hands.
All their heads turned towards her when she entered, and she could see the concern on their faces. As they rose from their seats as was the custom, she wondered if they would try to persuade her onto a lifeboat.
“My lady, why aren’t—”
Penelope burst out laughing, unable to help herself.
The Breath Between Waves Page 16