by S M Mala
‘Oh no!’ she shouts and runs into the house. Great, mentally imbalanced like Joan. She comes running out, nearly tripping up over me as she tries to stop.
‘Josh told me to give this to you.’ She holds out a letter. I notice the headed paper from the hotel. So this is going to be the explanation? I open it up as Beth stands nearby.
‘Hell nosey child, what are you doing? Go play over there.’
‘What does it say?’ She seems excited.
‘I don’t know.’ I pull the envelope close to my chest. ‘It’s probably a thank you note for the present.’
‘No it’s not!’ Beth defiantly says. ‘It’s a lovely letter.’
‘A ‘lovely’ letter?’ She knows something I don’t.
‘Josh said it was a lovely letter to Bella.’ My sheepish child turns from side to side. ‘I love Josh.’
‘Oh, that’s sweet. Don’t we all babykins,’ slips out of my mouth.
‘Why didn’t you marry Josh?’ This question is a bit, well, a bit too much. I have an answer but not for a little girl.
‘Josh fell in love with Meg and that’s why they’re married.’ Perfect!
‘Is she my godmother now?’ Beth is dancing in the garden.
‘No. She’s just Meg!’ I snap.
Oh, what a giveaway. I’m a tiny bit jealous of Meg. Well, a whole lot jealous. It crosses my mind Josh’s been talking shit for the past 24 hours. I decide not to read the letter as I know what’s coming next, some stupid explanation as to his behaviour. Great!
Beth’s in bed and all is quiet. I feel a bit odd tonight, a bit tearful but I don’t want to cry. I watch television. It’s a DIY programme and they’ve redecorated the house of a widowed single mum with three kids, one of them is autistic. The kids are so chuffed I find it all a bit much and burst into tears.
Sob, sob and sob. Tears keep falling down my face.
Now I should take stock about being a sad old bird or accept the fact I didn’t expect to be in this position, ever, in my life. Whatever happened to happy lives? Happiness? Happy endings? It’s a load of old bollocks for me!
After the loss of Kai, I couldn’t function mentally. It was a cruel twist of fate and it doesn’t matter how long we’d been together (seven years when he died), I felt I never really got to know my husband.
Strange that.
Even so, I was still left with a shattered heart but not at his death, he managed to cause damage before he got mowed down. You see, he is, was just like his mother, full of twists and turns. You never quite knew where you stood with him. The warning signs were there. I’m not prepared for another relationship now or ever again. The grief comes and goes, so do the tears. It’s like an everlasting circle, the symptoms of my pain.
Now thinking about Josh it gets worse.
Why do I want to fall in love again?
Am I a bad woman to want to find happiness after my tragic loss?
Maybe?
I remember the letter and get it. His handwriting is similar to Kai’s, they were school mates as well, must have been the teaching. Here it goes, get ready for the apology.
“Dear Belle. Sorry about last night. ”
This is as far as I’m going. Says it all! Luckily I didn’t fall for it. Didn’t get my hopes up, did I? Oh, well. There’s more scrawl underneath.
“I made a mistake. ”
Well, we all agree there.
“I shouldn’t have married Meg. ”
What?
“I need to speak to you. Before 6.00pm, please phone me on the mobile. ”
It’s eight in the evening and I’m two hours late. Where’s the phone? I dial his mobile and it trips to his voicemail.
‘Hi Josh. I’ve just read your letter. I’m sorry I didn’t ring earlier. What the hell’s going on with you? I’m sure you and Meg will be fine on honeymoon. Send me a postcard.’ There’s more writing on the letter.
“I know you think this is odd but I love you and its only yesterday I decided to tell you how much. Josh x A kiss to Beth”
Right, I’ve had enough.
I’m in a serious state of confusion. This red wine isn’t doing me any good either. Josh’s winding me up. It must be his revenge on me for breathing or something. I want to cry, I’m so confused.
A few hours later, bed is the best idea. I’ll sleep and see what I think tomorrow.
Shit, what’s happening? I fell asleep and the phone’s ringing.
Ouch, I’m beginning to feel the start of a heavy red wine head.
‘Hello?’
‘Belle?’ My heart skips a beat. It’s Josh. I’ll try and be calm.
‘Josh! Where are you? Have you got to the airport? Has your flight been delayed?’ I blurt out in a high-pitched, panic tone. This is strange, as I presume he’d be in the sky. It’s 11.15pm.
‘I’m outside on your doorstep. Can I come in?’ he says.
Oh dear! I’m scared but run down the stairs, not before checking my bedraggled appearance in the hallway mirror.
I can see a figure at the door. Shit it’s him. He’s talking into his mobile phone.
‘I can see you,’ I say. Very good Belle, state the bleeding obvious.
‘That’s because I’m here, so can I come in?’ I undo the chains and I’m still speaking to him via the phone. Please don’t ask me why, I’m not too sure what’s going on. I open the door and Josh walks in straight passed me, taking the phone out of my hand. I stand there, gormless.
He’s in the kitchen area of the main room and is pouring himself a glass of wine. I’ll wait until he speaks. He downs it quickly and pours himself out another glass. I’ll be patient. One second later.
‘What’s going on?’ He’s not responding to my question. Right, I’ll go a little bit closer to see what he’s thinking. Oh no, he looks like he’s going to cry. I’m at a loss at what to do. Good, I’ve got enough kitchen roll to wipe his tears.
‘Right, here goes,’ he begins. ‘I realised after all these years I’m in love with you and I’ve made a terrible mistake marrying Meg.’
Wow, that was a statement. I feel a bit wobbly here.
What am I going to do?
Can I tell you, from me wanting to marry him yesterday (girl dreams) now to finding out he actually wants to be with me, (old hag nightmare), isn’t exactly how I had planned the next 24 hours. Tonight I was going to order an Indian take away and drink myself into an alcoholic stupor. I think I may have succeeded on the latter as everything’s a haze.
God he’s so sexy! What sort of woman am I? A desperate one, I think. I want to touch him. No I can’t do that, not in his frame of mind. I’ll be taking advantage of the situation. If only I could.
Wine is a dangerous drug. I reach out my hand and place it on his left shoulder. I’m stretching my arm up because he’s not a short fella. He slumps down a bit and then I see his hand move up to mine. Josh turns it over and kisses my palm. That’s pretty sexy.
Jesus, are your palms and crotch connected? I think mine are.
I feel a little giddy. I’m looking at his face and I think I’m going to, no Belle, don’t put a smacker on his lips. Shit, isn’t this out of order? I should know better.
We kiss gently on the lips and I know that slippery slope is in sight.
‘I really want you,’ he says holding my head.
Calm! Breathe deeply and stop licking your lips.
Do I fling my arms around him and tell him I feel the same way? I could take him upstairs and shag the arse off him. I’ve thought about it many a time especially after a few glasses or five? Then this is me talking.
‘Are you hungry?’ When in doubt, use food.
‘I’m declaring myself to you and you’re talking about food?’ he says in utter disbelief.
‘There’s never a wrong moment to eat.’
‘I don’t only come round for your stuffed seafood ravioli and chocolate brownies you know?’
‘I know you like them,’ I smile pleased the man enjoys my coo
king.
‘But I’d rather eat you.’
‘Have you told Meg where you are?’ I quickly interject not wanting to hear what he’s going to say next which will certainly tip me over the edge as I get very hot. ‘She must be going out of her mind. What about your honeymoon?’ Hear me. How sensible do I sound?
‘Not going until tomorrow,’ he says trying to aim for my mouth.
‘There’s a woman not too far from here who is probably confused by your actions. Don’t you think you should cut her some slack?’ I’m not talking about Meg.
‘Belle, do you want me?’ Shit, he really likes to put you on the spot. I have to behave well. Morals, plus some more morals, plus a bit more, that will help me out in this situation.
You see, monogamy is important and you shouldn’t play away with married people, or people in relationships, and you must never cheat on your partner. I’m a great believer in what goes around comes around. I’m a serious serial monogamist, except I don’t get much chance of putting it into action. Then there’s another problem.
Joan.
There’s no way my evil mother in law will feel happy her widowed daughter in law wants to get the rocks off with her godson. Not a chance in hell! I’ll answer his question.
‘If I say ‘yes’ does that make everything better?’ I say.
‘Just tell me how you really feel.’
‘Look, please can you phone Meg?’ I’m beginning to panic.
‘I can’t!’ He looks determined not to make an effort, then releases my face and walks to the sofa. I go to my phone and ring his home number. I’m bricking it but someone has to take the bull by the horns, don’t they? The answer machine clicks. She’s not in or she’s not picking up.
‘Meg, this is Belle, if you’re there please pick up. Josh is round here and I want to-.’
‘Hello, can I speak to him?’ says a distraught Meg. I can see Josh is trying to ignore me.
‘He’s sleeping at the moment. He’s not himself,’ I say, as he glances over and grins.
‘He said he didn’t love me, he said he never did.’ She’s sobbing very loudly on the phone. My guilt, I feel so bad but I’m innocent, aren’t I? I hope he didn’t mention me. I know I’m a coward. She may be thin but I think she can pack a hard punch.
‘I think he’s a bit stressed.’ Right, make up some bullshit. ‘I expect it just dawned on him Kai wasn’t around to witness the happy event.’ I catch Josh shaking his head from side to side, smirking.
‘He’s been dead three years!’ she shouts. Yes darling, I should know. I don’t like her.
‘Let him stay here the night and I’ll send him home tomorrow morning. Don’t worry Meg, everything will be fine.’ I glance at Josh as he raises his eyebrows and smiles.
‘He should be with me!’ she wails. Christ, don’t break my eardrums you ungrateful moo. Doesn’t she realise I’m making this phone call out of the kindness of my heart and much against my better judgement? Fuck morals sometimes. I’m tempted to hang up but no, be kind.
‘Would you rather he came back tomorrow or not at all?’ I ask sweetly. Now I know this is mean but knowing Josh, he’s bound to say something to cause deeper conflict. Like it’s my entire fault!
‘Belle, tell him I love him.’ That causes a deep lump in my throat.
‘Of course I will. Goodnight.’ I put the receiver down. I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine. I might as well top up the booze in my system. ‘She says she loves you.’ There’s silence.
‘Do you love me?’
‘I-.’ what should I say to him? ‘That’s a stupid question.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it is!’ I put an arm over my protruding spare tyre. ‘Do you want a refill?’
‘Have you ever thought about having another relationship?’ he asks.
‘It hasn’t crossed my mind.’ Oh yes it has and I’m looking at him right now except there are a few problems like he got married yesterday.
‘What about me?’
‘You’re a married man, what more perfect opportunity could I get? Have an affair with a married man who was my late husband’s best friend? Oh and my mother in law’s godson. And the god father to my daughter. A bit too close, don’t you think? Thanks but this pedestal you’re putting me on is making me quite giddy! Is it made out of elastic bands?’
‘I didn’t mean that.’ He walks up to me as I hover around the kitchen sink. ‘Have you slept with anyone since Kai?’
‘It’s none of your business.’
‘Have you?’
‘What do you think?’
‘I take it that’s a ‘no’.’ He smiles at me. Now I really feel I’ve been left on the shelf.
I’ve not had the inclination or the opportunity to sleep with anyone. I feel a bit self-conscious and a little bit insecure to let someone, you know, do it to me. Also my confidence crumbled around the time Kai died.
‘Are you so surprised?’ I answer and feel like I’m going really red. ‘I’m not like Joan. She just, I don’t know what she does but for a woman in her sixties she has a better sex life than a twenty year old and even me.’ He shrugs his shoulders in response. ‘You know you’re going to have to speak to Meg. I also recommend you go and see a psychiatrist.’ Josh starts laughing at my last comment.
‘Is there anything a little bit stronger?’ he sweetly asks.
‘Yes, there’s bleach under the sink!’ I point to a cupboard and he leans closer. I swear my heart is pounding through my vest.
Now hear my dilemma.
I’m looking at this man I really love plus fancy the arse off but I know I can’t create any problems. It would be a selfish thing for me to shag him and I don’t have the nerve. He’s got a wife and a future to look forward to and I’ve got Beth. It’s his honeymoon and he’s in my kitchen but why is there a twitch between my legs and butterflies in my tummy?
‘Can I kiss you?’ he says. I can vouch something electric went flying through my body as I feel his hand on my shoulder.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re a bit unstable. And I’m not into the mistress role.’
‘Look Miss Morals just one more kiss, I’ll be quick,’ he says. I don’t know why I look like I’m going to do this but I feel exceptionally nervous or is it excitement?
‘Quick!’ I put my face up, waiting for the quick peck and he bends down slowly. I can’t wait. Come on do it.
‘Nah, I’m not in the mood now,’ he says. I open my eyes and look at him. What a little shit thing to-.
He grabs me and I feel his lips on mine. I’m a bit giddy here and his tongue has slipped into my mouth and no… no… yes, my tongue has gone into his.
We’re kissing.
I can feel this massive, sexual surge through my body and I better come up for air. His hands are wrapped around my waist and I’ve got my arms around his back. I feel myself falling on to the floor. Oh, my legs are behind his back and our lips haven’t parted yet. I can feel something extremely hard between touching my groin. My, this is fantastic.
No!
‘Stop it. It isn’t right. You’re drunk,’ I say after pulling away trying to control my animal desire.
‘Do I taste of alcohol?’ He’s lying on top of me, resting on his arms.
‘No.’ In fact he tastes of heaven, if I knew what that was.
‘Well then, I’m not drunk.’
‘Well then, I might be.’
‘Good, you’ll lose your inhibitions.’ He’s kissing my neck. Oh, I’m so sensitive there. Stay calm.
‘This is wrong. You should be doing this to your wife not me. I’d have thought you’d have had enough of this last night.’ I feel jealous again as his libido must be sky high from the thought of all that sex on honeymoon.
‘I don’t want to discuss last night. I want to you.’
‘I can’t sleep with you. You’re married. You’re a close friend. I’d feel bad and guilty. I’d never be able to face anyone again. They�
��d call me ‘the old widow slut marriage wrecker’ or just ‘old’. That’s painful enough.’ He’s laughing and I can’t help it but I smile. ‘Oh Josh, I do love you but-,’ where the hell did that come from?
Shit!!! He leans down and kisses me again. But this is a different sort of kiss. This is gentle. I push him away.
‘I know you love me,’ he says.
‘What I meant was, I love you in a sisterly sort of way, you know, that’s what I meant?’ I’ll get out of this hole.
‘I’ve always wondered what an incestuous relationship would be like.’ He’s laughing in my ear.
‘Well go try Joan. No Josh, get off me.’ As I struggle to remove him he pushes his groin harder down. ‘Wind up poor Belle and see how long it takes for the desperate bird to fall at your feet.’ He has managed to manoeuvre my arms up over my head.
‘I like your vest and knickers.’ He’s looking down at my night attire. Sod him. They have pictures of teddies and Beth chose them. Which reminds me…
‘There’s Beth to think of. I don’t want her to think some strange man is in the house.’
‘I’m not strange.’
‘So you think?’
Josh starts to move in closer and kisses me on the lips.
‘Belle,’ he mutters and I’m melting. We repeat what happened a few minutes ago, horizontally on the floor. Tongues whirling and my limbs akimbo, what more do you need in the early hours of a Monday? This time I can feel his hand slowly releasing my arms as he starts to explore my body. I can feel him on my breast and he’s gently squeezing it, just like in my dreams.
It’s turning me on rotten.
I can’t release my mouth from his and he is massaging my breast harder. My nipples are defying me as they stand up to attention and I swear making my boobs move up higher. There’s a throb between my legs and I want him so much, I want him to touch me more but-.
‘We can’t do this. Let’s stop before we both make a big mistake,’ I say coming up for air. Josh is licking and kissing my neck, engrossed in his actions. ‘Are you listening to me?’ I’m panting hard now.