by S M Mala
‘You will behave, won’t you mummy?’ she continues and now approaches me, her hand touching my thigh.
‘I always behave,’ I answer tapping her head and looking at Maggie who is shrugging her shoulders.
‘Because you know boys do funny things and sometimes… well it’s not good for you because you can act silly.’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask wondering what she’s on about.
‘Nana says when it comes to boys you’re really stupid!’
I walk to reception trying to shrug off my child’s comment only to realise that the five year old already has a negative mental picture of her mother all down to her nana. And talking about nana I expect to see Joan waiting for me in reception but there’s no sign.
I sit outside with my bag and wait. The sun is shining and it’s going to be a perfect day, well as perfect as it can be when it comes to English weather in summer.
I wonder if my old espadrilles are appropriate?
Then suddenly a range rover pulls up, frightening the life out of me.
‘Belle!’ It’s Hal looking pretty cool as he jumps out of the car to see me. He’s wearing shorts, a vest and a loose shirt. I notice he has long, tanned legs. If only mine were like that, mind you, I’ve got the colour.
What the hell am I doing again?
‘Morning!’ I think I’m smiling but my head feels numb so I don’t have much control over my facial muscles. I reckon I look like I’ve just thrown up.
‘You’re awake and here. Good.’ He pulls me up and I walk to the car. ‘Get in and fasten your seat belt.’
Now these things are quite hard to get into so I try to get up into it but slightly struggle. I then feel a massive push on my arse and I’m flung into the seat. Tit touching the other day, arse wrenching today.
Twenty minutes later and hardly any small talk but a few sideway glances and smiles from the man, we’re at the side of a catamaran. Hal helps me on but keeps looking at me as I stand hovering about.
‘Is there something wrong?’ I have to ask. I feel a bit self-conscious now.
‘No you look pretty, that’s all.’ Such a smooth operator who talks bollocks! I don’t know who he is, he could be a rapist.
‘I was brought up to never accept lifts or sweets from strangers,’ I blurt out.
‘That’s a good enough reason. Have you got a mobile?’
‘Hasn’t everyone?’ I say remembering not to pull out my four year old brick.
Why is he doing this? Does he think I’m an easy lay? Surely not! People like me don’t pull people like him. All of a sudden I feel very shy and stupid.
‘Can you swim?’ he says and starts the engine.
‘Yes but I’m no good in deep water and my swimming stinks so I think you’ll have to put a life jacket on me,’ I say. This makes him laugh while I edge towards the rubber ring. I don’t see what’s funny.
‘Most people don’t tell me but thanks for being so honest. There are armbands if it helps?’ he smirks to himself.
‘I can swim but I don’t like deep water, that‘s all. I did a belly flop once and it has mentally scarred me for life.’ I’ll change the subject as he’s looking at me again as if I’m mad. ‘Is this yours?’
‘Are you kidding!’ he exclaims then laughs. ‘I’m borrowing it from a friend. Do you know how much it costs?’
‘No, I’ve only ever hired rowing boats by the river in Richmond,’ I reply knowing his lifestyle is in another world compared to mine.
I sit down and look at the water splashing out the back while the sun is shining in the sky. I’m happy sitting here looking at Hal’s backside as he steers. Then the boat stops.
‘Enjoying yourself?’ he says turning to me.
I sit up and he has perched his sunglasses on the top of his head. He’s making me nervous. I really think I’m going to burst from embarrassment or jump over board and float back to shore.
‘Yes,’ I say in a high pitched squeak before I clear my throat.
‘Are you hungry?’ he asks. Can’t he tell from the size of my arse and thighs? ‘I can get you some toast.’
‘Sea sickness,’ my mouth begins. ‘I don’t want to eat too much until I find my sea legs.’ Christ, I sound like a bundle of laughs. ‘I mean, I don’t get seasick but you never know.’ He shakes his head and laughs again.
‘I thought you said you liked your food. Is there a problem, Belle?’
‘Maybe we should go back? It’s very kind of you but I’m sure you could get better company.’ I have another strange rise of panic in my voice. It sounds a bit like a squeak.
‘Are you nervous?’ he asks, while bending to squeeze my hand. I pull it away, trying to compose myself.
‘No. Why, should I be?’ I’m breaking out into a sweat.
‘You seem a bit on edge.’
‘That’s me. A bit highly strung,’ I flippantly say.
‘Joan did say.’
‘Pardon?’ I’m trying to hide my jaw dropping but I can’t. ‘What else did she say?’ I knew she’d tell people about me. When I get my hands on her scrawny little -
‘Oh, I see it’s a sore point.’ Hal quickly knocks back his drink.
‘Me, being highly strung or Joan?’
‘Both.’ This man is laughing to himself and I haven’t even been on his boat for an hour. Now, my first reaction is to throw a strop and demand to go home but then being ‘highly strung’ that would be one up for Joanie. Maybe he has a point?
‘I’m not good with new people. I have a shy streak.’ Well, that was the biggest load of bullshit I’ve said so far today.
‘You seemed fine the last few times I’ve met you except for last Friday.’
‘Yeah,’ I say remembering what I told him. ‘I didn’t expect a one to one.’ Shit, what’s that supposed to imply? ‘I mean, you know what I mean. Not ‘that’ sort of one to one.’
What on earth am I talking about? I feel my face getting hotter and hotter, I’m breaking out into a sweat. It feels like I’m dripping.
‘That’s fine, don’t worry,’ he says, sympathetically. ‘You’re in very safe hands.’
Of course I’m in safe hands as he wouldn’t touch me with a barge pole.
‘Can I go to the toilet please?’ I ask in the hope I might pull myself together after a pee.
‘Yes, of course, it’s downstairs.’ He stands, while I scrape my chair, creating an awful sound. He flinches at the high pitch note while I wish the ground or the sea would swallow me up, quickly. I shuffle off down the narrow stairs to the bog. There’s a small kitchen and an even smaller toilet.
Relief as I pee but aware my usual gush is going to have to trickle out or the host will think the water has come through the bottom of the boat. Muscles contracted, spurts finished, I wash my hands and check my face.
Yuk.
I look wind swept and far too flushed. Why, oh why am I here, with the mother in law’s lover?
Where to sit? I place myself once again by the ring and look out at… lots of water and the coast. Here I am, a near approaching middle aged woman, checking to see if her nipples have come to attention at the wrong moment due to the sea breeze. And I was having sexual thoughts about this man!
‘All freshened up?’ he says with a couple bottles of beer.
‘Isn’t it a bit early?’ I look at my watch and it’s nearly ten thirty.
‘It’s Tuesday,’ he says smiling. ‘And don’t you Brit girls like a drink?’
‘Not necessarily,’ I say taking a big swig before suppressing a burp. ‘Are you sure you’re allowed to drink and drive?’
‘I can hold my drink,’ he says confidently and swigs from the bottle while looking at me.
‘I’ve never met anyone of Joan’s boyfriends before.’
‘I’m not her ‘boyfriend’,’ he replies curtly.
‘What are you then?’ I sweetly reply. He’s looking at me as if I’ve got something funny on my face. It’s making me feel very self-conscious and I’m not
going to rise to the bait.
Too late! I quickly check to see if anything’s hanging out my nose by quickly rubbing the end of my snout.
‘Belle, so tell me all about yourself.’ Hal asks, sitting down in front of me and stretching his legs.
‘I told you a few things the other night, didn’t I?’ Bet Joan filled him in with everything else.
‘Do you work?’
‘Yes I do. I’m a freelance cookery writer, catering, professional office temp and mother. Do you?’
‘Yes.’
‘What do you do?’
‘I’m a property developer and I own some bars in the States.’
‘I see.’ I notice his glistening wedding ring. ‘Where’s your wife?’
‘In San Francisco.’
‘How long did you say you’ve known Joan?’
‘I didn’t.’ There’s an awkward silence as he examines one of his legs. I can safely say, he’s a very gorgeous man, even if he’s slightly up his own arse and I expect he knows it. I’m probably staring at him too hard but he’s smiling at me.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asks, still smirking.
‘Nothing.’
‘I knew your husband,’ he gently says which slightly jolts me. I look away wondering what’s coming up next. ‘He was a nice guy.’
‘Thanks,’ I say not wanting to show I don’t like talking about Kai.
‘Are you uncomfortable about me mentioning him?’
‘Not really,’ I say feeling tense. ‘Everyone tells me he was a nice guy but it’s a pity he didn’t show it towards me before he got the big chop.’
‘I see,’ he says frowning.
‘Don’t tell Joan that bit as it will fuel her fire.’
‘Joan tells me-.’
‘Don’t listen to a word she says,’ I snap, knowing I’m getting agitated. I wonder if this was her plan. Get someone to wind me up, instead of her doing it herself.
‘She says you haven’t men anyone since? Is that true?’ he smiles and I glance over at him.
‘Yes.’ I’m not going to tell him my knickers have been round my ankles a few times recently!
‘You must have loved him very much,’ Hal says, pulling his chair closer. ‘I mean to not sleep with anyone for … how long?’
‘Three years,’ I say trying to look dignified with my big lie while taking a swig of my beer.
‘You must be desperate for a fuck,’ he says in all seriousness and I choke on my bottle of beer which fizzes all over my face and down my dress.
‘What?’ I say, trying to wipe the stray liquid off.
‘I was only joking,’ he says smiling and I can tell he’s ticking something over.
‘I-.’ Now I’m hoping Moby Dick would come and swallow me up at this moment but no sign. Then it occurs to me. ‘What did Joan tell you?’
‘About what?’ he innocently responds and there’s a massive grin on his face. I really can’t figure this man out.
‘Me? Who’d you think?’ I reply knowing I sound a little arsy.
‘Nothing.’
‘I don’t believe you,’ I say. ‘Tell me about Joan and you?’
‘What do you want to know?’ he asks holding his beer up and balancing on the back legs of his chair.
‘Are you lovers?’
‘That’s none of your business.’
‘You must be doing something,’ I insist. ‘Because you’re the one I’ve consistently heard about and she was different the other night.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asks slightly bemused.
‘All smiley and nice which is totally out of character,’ I smile. ‘Why has she never introduced me to you before?’
‘Maybe because she thinks it none of your business too,’ is the cheerful answer.
‘Probably,’ I sigh and for some unknown reason I feel extremely excluded from Joan’s life and realise that she must really feel sorry for me to drag me to Devon for a few days.
She can’t be that bad then, can she?
‘She also said,’ he continues. ‘That you embarrass her and she doesn’t want her friends to think that her son’s poor taste in women is a reflection on his upbringing.’
Bitch, bitch, bitch!
‘How did you meet your husband?’ Hal gently asks looking genuinely interested. I bet he’s checking my story against her torrid tale.
‘Through mutual friends at a party, you know, after breaking up from a long term shit I used to live with,’ I say, half smiling. ‘He and his friend were there and we hit it off. Kai was very beautiful and had the gift of the gab.’
‘A whirlwind romance?’ Hal asks
‘It left me windswept for a while,’ I say reminiscing the good times which was approximately half an hour when I think about it clearly. ‘Anyway, we fell in love, got married and the rest is history.’
‘How did he die again?’
‘He was knocked down by an ice cream van and he didn’t-.’
‘-hear it coming.’ Hal finishes my sentence and smiles.
‘If you knew then, why ask? Joan blames me and she may have a point. Yet another reason to hate me.’
‘Maybe?’ Hal says getting up and turning the engine on.
‘Fancy getting wet?’ He suddenly jumps up.
‘Pardon?’
Is he trying to flirt with me? No, it’s the early morning beer making me think that.
‘Do you want to take a dip?’ He stands up and smirks. ‘Don’t worry I’m not going to take advantage of you, a woman who has been celibate for three years.’
‘I didn’t think that,’ I say realising I’ve been rebuffed and rejected without even trying. Nice one Belle!
‘Are you ready to take the plunge?’ Hal says ignoring my last comment. This man is thinks I’m sexually repressed.
‘It looks deep. I’ll watch,’ I say looking overboard, averting any eye contact. The morning is turning into a disaster.
‘Come on in. The water will revitalise you,’ he cheerily says.
‘I’ll keep drinking the beer, that’ll do the trick.’ I then instinctively fold my arms across my chest and stomach. ‘And I’m not keen on you seeing my wobbly bits.’
‘I’ll go in first and you can slope in the water afterwards, if you’re shy.’
‘I might drown,’ I moan feeling a little scared.
‘You’ll float.’ He takes off his shirt and vest then dives in. It’s so bloody obvious he’s a good swimmer as he bounces back up again. ‘See you won’t drown.’
I’ll get in and it’ll create a tidal wave or he’ll see my cauliflower arse. The embarrassment of it all!
I slowly remove my dress. I feel so self-conscious, this is a killer and I carefully walk into the painfully cold water from the steps. I check he’s not looking and, luckily, he’s swimming under water, then I hear laughter
‘What’s so funny?’ I ask. He smiles and I bet he’s caught a glimpse of my big black bum. He’s bronzed and his skin is taut and I’m feeling a bit pissed. I swim around, trying to pretend I like the freezing water, and enjoy the sunshine.
‘Do you want me to help you back in?’ he asks on his return, his skin glistening from the water. I, of course, have been holding onto the boat for dear life.
‘No thanks, I can get back on my own.’ I do my elegant breaststroke, feeling the weight of my arse pull me down.
‘After you,’ he says gesturing towards the stairs to the boat as I grab on to the boat.
‘No, you go on first, I insist.’ He’s not going to get a look at my rear.
‘It’s polite for the lady to go first-.’
‘Just get on board! You’re the host,’ I snap.
‘Shy girl?’ he asks, raising his eyebrows.
‘Fat girl,’ I correct him.
‘Why do women have body complexes when there’s no reason to? You’ve got beautiful skin and a lovely body.’ I receive a pitiful look. ‘You can wash yourself down with the hose, if you want?’
I see the hose and p
ick it up as he stretches himself out on the sun lounge. I rinse myself off. It’s very cold and I try not to scream, then I go downstairs to get changed.
I return to find him sleeping. For a moment, I can’t help myself and stare. He really is quite beautiful and I know I keep going on about it but he bloody well is. I sit down and before I know it, I’ve dozed off.
I quickly sit up remembering where I am and Hal is nowhere to be seen. I sit at the back of the boat and read my book. I’m at the horny bit, when the heroine is going to get her filthy way with the well-endowed hero, then I jump as something touches me.
‘Did I startle you?’
‘Yeah,’ I reply trying to divert my attention from what I’m reading.
‘Is the book any good,’ he asks, peering over.
‘Fine!’ I snap it shut.
‘You looked peaceful when you were sleeping, I didn’t want to disturb you,’ he gently says and his face is kind.
‘I’m sorry.’ I say feeling guilty for being dull.
‘For what?’ he gently asks.
‘Being boring.’ I hope he doesn’t agree.
‘Well, you can’t have a good day every day.’
Bastard!
‘Are you in England for long?’ I ask, trying to perk up.
‘I’m not sure when I’m heading back home,’ he seriously replies.
‘Is Joan going with you?’ Now, I know he has this wife but you’ve got to pry.
‘Why should she?’ He smiles and I notice a simultaneous frown line on his forehead.
‘Because you two are… you know.’ I see he’s not going to help me out here.
‘Are what?’
‘Friends?’
‘Yes, we are friends.’
‘Lovers?’
‘Does it bother you that you might be out with your mother in law’s lover?’
‘So you are?’ I say gleefully.
‘I said ‘might’,’ Hal replies and takes a sip from his beer and narrows his eyes as he glances over. ‘You talk a lot, especially when you sleep?’
‘What? Did I say something?’ I momentarily panic. What could I have said? I hope I didn’t groan out his name in one of my friskier moments, how embarrassing would that be?
‘You said something like Jo… John… That’s it, you said ‘Josh’.’
‘I must have meant ‘Joan’,’ I swiftly reply.