My Mother in Law's Lover

by S M Mala

  ‘Sleep with your lover to keep him happy. I don’t-.’

  ‘You already started last weekend,’ she half smiles and tilts her head to one side. ‘Hal told me.’

  ‘What doesn’t he tell you?’

  ‘Pretty much about everything if you want to know including how you perform in bed.’

  I’m a little stunned at that comment but I’m trying to be 21st century and stay calm.

  ‘Shall we discuss how he performs? Share notes?’ I smile. ‘I’m sure we both know he seems up for it.’

  ‘Insatiable, I think the word is,’ she says and I see the throbbing vein in her neck and I feel a little nauseous.

  ‘What I really don’t understand is why you want to share him? Where do I fit in?’

  ‘You my dear,’ she says resting her head on the palm of her hand for a moment. ‘Are a passing fancy and if I tell him he shouldn’t go anywhere near you, as I have done so already, he doesn’t listen.’

  ‘You’re doing this to keep him happy?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  ‘That’s not healthy,’ I say.

  ‘Did he tell you how long we’ve been together?’

  ‘On and off for twenty years. It started when he was 13?’

  ‘As you know he’s 44 years old, not much older than you.’

  ‘I’m only 43,’ I quickly reply. ‘He was only born four years earlier than Kai?’

  ‘It’s irrelevant,’ she smiles. ‘As you get older it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Did Kai know about him?’ I ask now full of questions about her affair.

  ‘He knew we were friends,’ she says dismissively.

  ‘Did he like Hal?’

  ‘Yes he did,’ she says with gritted teeth and I know she’s lying.

  ‘Kai didn’t approve did he?’ I can tell from her face.

  ‘He thought he was a little young so I kept Hal out of the way and that’s how Hal wanted it.’

  ‘So your secret love was a secret because your little boy didn’t like the idea of his mummy sleeping with someone nearly his own age?’ I laugh out because I could imagine Kai’s disgust. Also my beloved husband never liked competition from other good looking men.

  ‘Look,’ she says staring hard at me. ‘You can’t wait around for true love’s dream only to get to the point you’re so desperate, you make mistakes.’

  ‘Like me,’ I say glumly and then think of Josh. ‘Have you heard from Josh?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Is he okay?’

  ‘Yes.’ She’s truly making me suffer.

  ‘Tell me something else,’ I plead. ‘Please.’

  ‘He has a new girlfriend and he’s going to divorce Meg.’

  I’m not sure how to take the news. He could have had me but he didn’t want to know! I can’t show her I’m upset.

  ‘Why are you upset?’ she says. She’s fast, I’ll give her that.

  ‘I’m not. I haven’t seen him for such a long time and I wish he’d get in touch.’

  ‘So you can pounce on him and make him go a little loopy? No, he’s better off without you. I never thought I’d hear myself say this, you are better off without him.’

  ‘How do you figure that one out?’ I snap

  ‘If he loved you, really loved you, he wouldn’t have listened to a word I said, he’d have tried to make it work. He didn’t. Doesn’t that sum it all up?’ she quietly says.

  ‘When you put it like that, yes, it makes it much clearer,’ I say feeling completely deflated.

  ‘Hal can entertain you for a while, which I don’t mind.’

  ‘And what do you get out of this? Surely there’s a motive behind your scheming ways?’ I say, slightly melodramatic but I know with Joan you don’t get anything for nothing.

  ‘I’m only going to ask one thing from you?’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Tell me when you see him, how long he stays, if he mentions anyone else. That’s all I need to know,’ she smiles breezily. ‘That’s not too hard is it?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Hal spending time with you will give me a greater… how can I put it?’

  ‘You’ll know who he’s up or rather what he’s up to,’ I say. ‘Do you love this guy that much?’

  ‘And a word of warning Belle, don’t go falling in love with Hal as you’ll only get incredibly hurt.’

  ‘I’m not going to fall in love with him. It’s a purely physical thing.’ I’m lying here as it’s pretty hard not to fall for a man who proclaims he’s a little in love with you! Here I am again, picking up the crumbs of human kindness and calling it a meal.

  I hear Joan laughing her head off and that’s beginning to rile me.

  ‘Physical thing … that’s so funny,’ she says wiping her eyes with her napkin.

  ‘Why are you laughing?’ She says I’m mad but she certainly has a screw loose.

  ‘You know why he likes you, don’t you?’ Joan says, trying to compose herself.

  ‘I’m cute, funny and terribly attractive?’

  ‘Actually he told me you remind him of one of his nannies. You know he was brought up partly in New Orleans, well you remind him of one of those lovely large black ladies who used to look after him,’ she sniggered.

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Huge, fat ladies with very dark skin he says, voluptuous things who would do everything he wanted, always at his beck and call.’

  Sometimes I really, really hate her.

  Now you’d think after out little talk the arrangement would come into full swing but I’ve not heard from him for weeks. I wonder if it was a little trick to see what I would do. I have to let it wash but the thing I can’t get out of my mind is that Josh has found someone new and Joan was so right, for once, if he really wanted me he’d have come to find me.

  I am round Joan’s as she needs me to help fix her computer. You’d think with the amount of cash she has, she’d hire a technician but oh no, here I am.

  I walk into the living room. My heart skips a beat when I see Hal, who’s sitting next to her on the sofa. He smiles when he sees me and my tummy does an impromptu flip so much so I have to look down to see if it’s not shaking. Joan is sitting next to him.

  I really hope they’re not going to suggest a threesome. Joan naked in bed with me? I think I might be going into cardiac arrest.

  ‘That bloody computer keeps crashing, sort it out Belle,’ she says, in her pushy manner, as Hal sits there smiling. I notice she looks at him looking at me then glares in my general direction.

  ‘Is that it?’ I say, trying to not to look too hard at the man.

  ‘What’s wrong with you girl? You won’t be staying for dinner will you? I’ve got guests coming. Look what Hal bought me, aren’t they beautiful.’ I see a lovely bouquet of lilies.

  ‘Was he intending to put them on your coffin?’ I mutter under my breath, annoyed he’s making these gestures towards her and ignoring me completely. You see no attention for a while and I’m desperate.

  ‘Pardon?’ she says, looking at me sharply.

  ‘They’re nice,’ I say loudly.

  ‘How’ve you been,’ I ask Hal.

  ‘Great,’ he says smiling brightly at me then turns to kiss Joan. She looks positively radiant.

  ‘Well I’m pleased.’ What else can I say? Why the hell aren’t you coming to pork me? Too crude and needy but true!

  I walk out and into the study, switch on her computer and sit down to figure out what she has done to it. After fifteen minutes, I’ve cleaned her hard drive and decide I’m going to leave her in the company of Hal who, I suspect, is spending the evening here.

  I have a sinking feeling.

  As I leave the study, I see him standing in the corridor on the phone.

  ‘No, I’ll come round now,’ he says, then walks into the living room. ‘I’ve got to go, it’s the decorators!’

  ‘No,’ she says. ‘Are you coming back for dinner?’

  ‘Sure, give me a couple of hours. Are
you leaving too?’ he asks, as I hover round the door.

  ‘Yes, I’ve fixed it Joan. You’ve got to set it on an anti-virus programme for it to clean up old files.’

  ‘You don’t need to go now Hal’s leaving,’ she says with a half-smile on her face.

  ‘I’ve got to go shopping but I’ll see you at the weekend,’ I quickly say.

  ‘Don’t forget to pick up my dry cleaning when you come,’ she says, then turns to kiss Hal, lightly, on the lips. ‘Don’t be too long, I’ll be waiting for you for a pre-dinner treat.’

  ‘I won’t be late,’ he smiles down at her, then turns to me. ‘Need a lift?’

  ‘No it’s okay. I’ll get the bus,’ I say and grab my stuff, leaving with him but feeling Joan’s stare burn my back while I’m wondering what she means by ‘pre dinner treat’.

  We walk down the road and say nothing to each other. As soon as we’re out of sight, he grabs me and plants a kiss on my lips.

  ‘Excuse me!’ I step backwards playing hard to get but he’s lovely.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he laughs. ‘Why are you being prudish?’

  ‘You don’t kiss Joan then kiss me.’

  ‘Just have.’

  I take my sleeve and wipe my mouth hard.

  ‘I’ve got to get the bus?’ I say.

  ‘No way,’ he laughs pulling me to the car. ‘I’ll take you home but I have to make a detour to check something out at my house.’

  Ten minutes later, we’re at his place and there aren’t any builders around.

  ‘How long has it been since I last saw you?’ he says looking around the obviously empty house.

  ‘I really couldn’t say.’ It’s actually four weeks and three days.

  ‘I hear you’ve been talking to Joan about setting up an agreement to see me with her consent,’ he laughs out loudly. ‘That’s very modern for you, isn’t it?’

  ‘I am modern.’

  ‘What’s she going to get out of it?’ he smiles and I know he’s waiting for me to say something.

  ‘We talked about it. It doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.’

  ‘So you’d consider it? That’s interesting.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I’ve changed my mind,’ he smiles in such a way I’m not sure how bad I can actually feel.

  ‘You don’t want to see me?’

  ‘Convince me why I should.’ Hal is staring right at me.

  ‘Joan said I reminded you of your old fat nannies or something.’

  He starts to laugh and stands there with his hands on his hips.

  ‘Is that what she said? She’s very funny.’

  ‘Please can I use your bathroom?’ I reply ignoring his comment seeing he’s not denying it.

  ‘Upstairs,’ he says.

  I sprint up the stairs and quickly look around then stumble on the beautiful bathroom, quickly relieving myself and washing my hands. When I open the door he is standing in my way.

  ‘I have wiped the seat,’ I say, trying to barge past.

  ‘Let me check,’ he says pushing me back into the bathroom.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Do you need to ask? It’s been a month since I last saw you.’

  He remembered. I’m swayed into slight submission.

  ‘Excuse me.’ I don’t know how he’s done it but somehow he has propped me up on the edge of the sink.

  ‘Kiss me,’ he says smiling up at me.

  ‘Look,’ I push him away and jump down. ‘I’m not in the mood to play these games with you and the old bag. I have to go.’

  ‘You don’t want to play?’

  ‘I played with you when I first met you, in a hotel twice, on my kitchen table, in the countryside and in a work man’s hut. I think enough playing, don’t you?’ I sound so grown up here. Even I’m convincing myself I’m not interested.

  ‘I see so I have to convince you?’ he smiles.

  ‘No you don’t. Go and see Joan. She’s the one that loves you more than a little bit,’ I smile and open the door heading down the stairs.

  ‘It’s because it’s the bathroom isn’t it?’ he says standing by the doorway. ‘Hey don’t go.’ He runs forwards and pulls my arm.’What’s wrong with you?’

  ‘I’m fed up to be honest. Once upon a time I had a lovely boring life, mourning the loss of my husband and yearning for his best mate. Then I get the chance to bed the man I love and he doesn’t want me.’

  ‘Let me stop you before you start doing a soliloquy,’ he smiles trying to put his hand over my mouth which I push away.

  ‘Let me finish,’ I reply digging my now pointing finger into his chest.’I go on a shit one night stand and then you. You the most complicated one because you’re my mother in law’s lover. And she doesn’t mind if I sleep with you as if she’s doing me some big favour.’ I shake my head at the whole thing and walk down the stairs heading straight for the door. ‘It’s all a load of bollocks!’

  I’m sitting with Beth on the sofa the following day and she’s rattling on about something to do with my mother getting her a kitten, which is falling on deaf ears.

  ‘Joanie, that’s what I’ll call her.’

  ‘That’s the name of your nana and you’re not getting a kitten, not until you’re older.’ I want to tell her that I’d probably kick the thing around the kitchen if we call it Joan but I know it’s cruel.

  ‘You’re boring,’ she sighs.

  ‘And you’re a cheeky little monkey for assuming I’d let you get what you want.’

  ‘I never get what I want,’ she says with a huff.

  ‘You do,’ I reply, trying to poke her in the ribs.

  ‘That hurt!’ she shouts back and hits me.

  ‘Beth! I was only trying to play and now you’re being horrible and don’t hit me or you’ll sit in the thinking corner for a week! I’m going to make a sandwich.’

  ‘I’m not hungry,’ she snaps.

  ‘It’s not for you.’

  Sometimes, it’s like living with a little Joan and it drives me round the bloody bend. I go into the kitchen and get the bread knife but I can see she’s up to something, then as I slice the loaf I hear something crash.

  ‘Beth what have you done?’ I ask, seeing my glass on the floor, shattered. ‘Don’t move, I mean it.’ I run over with a dustbin and pan but end up cutting my finger. Now Beth starts crying and it’s chaos.

  ‘I’m sorry mummy,’ she blubbers and I’m not in the mood. My idea of a quiet evening is turning into a disaster. A hysterical child wasn’t part of the package.

  I clear up and put her to bed after trying to placate her. I throw myself on the sofa but my finger’s stinging. It’s about nine and I’m watching the news to catch up on current disasters, other than my own.

  I see a car pull up outside and realise Hal and Joan are walking towards my front door. This isn’t right. I rush to open it before they ring the bell.

  ‘Hello,’ I say and see Joan isn’t smiling but he is. ‘Beth is sleeping so be quiet.’

  ‘Okay,’ Joan says then sees my hand. ‘What have you taken to doing to Beth? Beating her with your fists?’

  ‘I cut my hand by accident. Come in. Can I get you a drink?’ I ask trying to be hospitable while tidying up my dishevelled appearance. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘We were passing and I thought it’d be nice to drop in,’ she says smiling while looking around my messy living room.

  Oh gosh, she’s baring fangs so I think I’m in trouble.

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ I see Hal is grinning at me. This doesn’t look good. ‘Tea. Wine?’

  ‘I wanted to clear something up,’ she says brushing the seat of the sofa before sitting down.

  ‘What?’ I ask, slightly confused at this scenario.

  ‘Hal thinks the reason you’re not interested in our arrangement is because I’ve tried to put you off. Is this true?’

  ‘That’s not what I said,’ he adds looking slightly embarrassed before grinning
even wider.

  ‘Put me off what?’

  ‘Our arrangement,’ says Hal now glancing at me for the first time.

  ‘We didn’t have an arrangement,’ I say and notice Joan looking at the pair of us. ‘Your lover thinks it will be fun for you to sleep with me though, if I remember correctly, she wasn’t particularly pleased when she found out the first time.’

  ‘That’s because you did it behind my back,’ Joan points out, opening her bag, pulling out her compact and admiring her face. ‘I didn’t mind the other times because I think it’s good to get things out of your system.’

  ‘What Joan means to say is that I like you Belle,’ Hal says walking up towards me but I have to take a step back as this is all rather weird.

  And slightly kinky.

  ‘You’re basically giving the man permission to spend some time with me?’ I turn to Joan. ‘Why? Aren’t you worried?’

  ‘About what?’ she sniffs and is about to light up a cigarette but I’m glaring at her.

  ‘Him,’ I say, pointing at Hal who is now looking at some pictures on my fireplace. ‘I mean it’s not normal to let the man you care about shag who he wants. It’s not right.’

  ‘Look little miss moral knickers,’ she says standing up and walking towards me. ‘You’re getting the chance to have sex with that!’ Joan points to Hal.

  If it was me, I’d have felt like a piece of meat if I was him but he’s grinning from ear to ear.

  ‘You don’t mind her speaking about you like that?’ I ask, looking at the pair of them. ‘Is this what you do to spice up your love life?’

  ‘It doesn’t need spicing up,’ she whispers to me and turns to look at Hal.

  ‘I think the pair of you are weird, really very weird and I’m not going to shag your bloke because,’ I glance over to Hal who is keenly listening. ‘He’ll do what he wants, when he wants with whom he wants, regardless.’

  ‘That’s true,’ he mutters and Joan turns to him. I can only say from the expression on his face she has given him one of her major dirty looks.

  ‘I’ve had a really bad day,’ I say looking at my hand. The pair look like they’ve stepped off some glossy magazine whereas I look like a mother who has been exposed for child cruelty in the Daily Mail.

  ‘Shall we go?’ Hal says apologetically. ‘You think this is strange, don’t you?’