by S M Mala
‘Holding hands? I don’t give a shit,’ he laughs and leans closer to me. ‘Behind closed doors you’re so loving but out here in the open, you seem on edge.’
‘I’m still getting my head around it and I don’t want to rock the boat?’
‘Why?’
‘Because I really like you,’ I say as he tilts his head to one side and smiles.
‘And I really like you and to prove it, I’d like to buy you a new dress.’
‘You don’t like the way I dress as well as my low maintenance appeal?’
I don’t believe this!
‘You have nice legs but you have the habit of wearing skirts a little too long,’ Hal smiles. ‘Let me buy you a dress and then you can wear it for me.’
‘And what are you going to wear for me?’ I ask knowing my saggy knees are really not for showing to the general public.
‘A massive hard on if you do.’
There’s no answer to that.
I’m being dragged down the road and he stops at a shop before ushering me in. It doesn’t take a genius to see that nothing is under £300.00 in this shop if you don’t include the carrier bags.
‘You don’t have to do this,’ I say as he waltzes off to the rack and starts searching through the clothes. The Sales Assistant smiles at me as I pretend to look around before going up to Hal.
‘I’m looking for something in…’ Hal glances over to me.’… a size 14 that would flatter her figure.’ The woman looks over at me and I sense a little sneer on her face. I immediately turn around and see some skirts in size 6.
Doesn’t he realise I’m mortified?
‘Belle,’ he says beckoning me over. ‘What about this dress?’
He holds up a green dress with a pattern that resembles vomit.
‘I don’t wear green,’ I diplomatically reply and he frowns at me.
‘What colours do you wear?’
‘Everything else I guess,’ shrugging my shoulders. ‘Can’t we do this another time? It’s such a waste of a lovely afternoon.’
‘No,’ he sharply says and continues looking at the rack before walking to the back of the shop. ‘Here it is!’ Hal holds up a dress in a golden yellow colour. ‘Before you say anything this will suit you and it’s in your size.’
‘Okay,’ I say and I am escorted to the changing room with Hal smiling at me.
I stand looking at myself in the dress. It really is quite lovely and I certainly do fill it out. He’s right you know. It suits me! Just as I fling open the door I hear Hal laughing as he looks over at me.
If my life couldn’t get any worse it certainly has done so now!
He’s only talking to bloody Meg who is trying on the same dress and makes it look amazing. I slam shut the door.
My heart is thundering.
I haven’t seen her since the day of the party round Joan’s when Josh told me I was forgettable. Oh the shame of it! Why are my cheeks on fire?
I’m seriously stuck and now Hal has looked over at me in the same dress, he’s going to see I’m a lost cause. I remove the dress at maximum speed then put my clothes on while trying to hear what’s going on. She’s laughing.
‘Is everything alright in there,’ the Sales Assistant asks as I try to think how I’m going to get out.
‘Yes, fine,’ I say slightly opening the door and handing her the dress.
‘Didn’t it fit?’ the size 4 wench says smiling at me. ‘We’re waiting for our larger stock sizes to come in at the end of the week.’
‘It’s fine I’ve changed my mind,’ I reply then take a peek to see Meg has her back to me and is still talking to Hal.
‘I see,’ she sniffs and takes the garment out of my hand.
I brace myself and quickly hide behind the racks knowing that Hal can see me but is still continuing to chat to Meg. I manage to get to the front of the shop and rush out, waiting around the corner to see if the coast is clear.
A five minutes later my phone rings. It’s Hal.
‘Where did you go to?’ he laughs and I can hear his voice close by. I look to see he’s walking towards me with a bag in his hand. He puts his phone away and hands me the bag. ‘Your dress.’
‘I don’t want it,’ I say pushing it away.
‘You looked gorgeous in it,’ he smiles pushing it back to me.
‘Meg,’ I say breathing in deeply. ‘She looked amazing in the dress and now I can’t wear it.’
‘And so did you,’ he says with a confused expression on his face. ‘Why did you run away?’
‘Why do you think?’ I whisper. ‘Is the coast clear?’
‘You should have come out to say hello,’ Hal says grabbing my hand and walking me down the road swinging the bag in his other hand.
‘She might see me,’ I mumble. ‘We better get home quickly.’
‘Stop it,’ he says suddenly coming to a halt in the middle of the pavement. ‘You have nothing to be ashamed of.’
‘I have. Come on Hal, let’s walk quickly,’ I say now dragging him down the road back to the house. ‘I went to her wedding, ate her cake and drank her booze then the day after I slept with her husband. If that’s nothing to be ashamed of then I’m damned!’
‘You make me laugh,’ he says putting an arm around my shoulders.
‘There’s nothing funny about it,’ I say. ‘Hurry up Hal just in case we see her again.’
‘What do you think she’s going to do to you?’
‘Oh I don’t know but I feel really bad about it.’
‘She’s no better than you,’ he says stopping me once again and looking down at me.
‘On paper she’s-.’
‘You see this is what I mean about you? Don’t live your life full of regrets. Didn’t you enjoy your night with Josh?’
‘Well…’
‘So remember it as a good thing not a bad thing.’ He then kisses me on the forehead. ‘Life’s too short for regrets.’
‘Is that your motto?’ I ask as he walks off leaving me standing on the pavement. ‘There’s no point having regrets?’
‘What do you regret?’ he says glancing around as he continues to walk. I hurry up behind him.
Note to myself. Buy a sturdier bra as I’m on the verge of knocking myself out with my boobs as I pretend that running comes easily. I grab his hand and try not to show that I’m having palpitations because I’m so unfit.
‘I regret not telling Josh how I felt about him and feeling like I’ve made the most awful cock up ever,’ I say and see Hal smile.
‘If you were with Josh then you wouldn’t be having fun with me,’ he laughs and looks at me sideways. ‘Or would you?’
‘What does that mean?’ I see he’s really grinning now and stops to look at me squarely in the eye.
‘I wonder if you were with Josh whether you’d sleep with me?’ he gently says and, yes, he has done what I suspected all those months ago, he flicks my tit so quickly I don’t realise how he does it.
‘Did you just flick my nipple?’ I quietly ask, stepping back a little.
‘Did I? he innocently replies and grins at me.
‘You did it that night in Devon on purpose, didn’t you?’
‘Of course I did.’
‘I also wanted to do this.’ He grabs the back of my head and kisses me passionately on the pavement. I feel dizzy. Slowly I step back and look at him.
‘This is a public place,’ I say trying to compose myself as he’s licking his lips.
‘We would have ended up on bed even if you were with Josh,’ he says before walking off.
‘No we wouldn’t,’ I say shouting behind him. ‘I’m a one guy woman.’
‘You think!’ he shouts back.
I run behind him again and pull his arm.
‘How did you flick my tit without me seeing?’
Hal laughs and kisses me again, his arms wrapped around my body.
‘I’ll show you when we get home,’ he says nuzzling his face in my hair. I look up at him then notice a
passing car.
‘Oh shit. It’s Meg and she looks angry,’ I say trying to push him away. ‘She must know about Josh and me.’
‘Let her look,’ he says, kissing me again.
Seventeen
‘So you managed to fit me in then?’ Meena says pouring out the wine.
‘You know how it is,’ I say looking across our local and seeing someone eating large fries. ‘Fancy sharing some chips?’
‘Only if it comes with mayonnaise,’ she says before guzzling her glass of wine.
‘Steady on! What’s wrong with you?’ I say seeing the stress on her face.
‘Life,’ she says and I can see my best friend is down in the dumps.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask and lean in closer.
‘I’m nearly 45 years old. I’ve got two boys, a wonderful husband and a nice life but in all this I think I’m missing out on something.’
This comment takes me by shock.
‘Missing out on what? You’ve got everything!’ I say shaking my head. ‘I’d give everything to have what you’ve got.’
‘I’d love the excitement of an illicit fuck,’ she says and I sit their open mouthed. ‘Don’t pretend to look shocked.’
‘What’s wrong with your man? I thought he delivered the goods?’
‘Nothing but I mean, look at you.’
‘What about me?’ I say slightly worried I take a bigger sip of wine.
‘You’re having an affair with your mother in law’s lover and getting a great shag out of it. No commitment, just sex once a week with a gorgeous horny man.’
‘I know I shouldn’t have introduced you to him,’ I gulp.
‘You know what I’d give to spend a night with someone like that,’ she said in all earnestly.
‘You have a man that loves you and you’re in love. Hal wants a night of sex and then waves me goodbye until another week,’ I say realising that’s not putting her off.
‘You have the perfect set up!’
‘He’s not in love with me!’ I blurt out and look at her.
‘And you’re not in love with him,’ she smiles brightly then her face becomes serious. ‘You’re not are you?’
‘No.’ I say realising I have now drunk a glass of wine in a matter of minutes.
‘Oh god, only you could put a spanner in the works,’ she says shaking her head and emptying the bottle into both our glasses.
‘It’s not a spanner.’
‘So you don’t deny it?’
‘He’s lovely, attentive and when I’m with him he makes me feel so special and-.’
‘You’re going to get hurt, you do know that don’t you?’ she says in all seriousness.
‘You’re not convinced about the set up?’
‘It involves Joan.’
‘I feel so much better about myself now. He brings out the best in me.’
‘He’s made you into a nymphomaniac, has he?’ Meena giggles into her glass.
‘I can’t explain what the sex is like,’ I sigh.
‘Go on, try me.’
‘He’s an amazing lover. Not only can he be tender he can be extremely erotic. Hal has a knack of making me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world when we’re together.’
‘Like you said, the pair of you don’t go out much,’ she laughs. ‘I’m kidding.’
‘I love having sex with him but…’ I sigh and know I should tell my best friend the truth. ‘The idea that he’s doing the same to Joan does my head in. You know several times he wanted me to go away for the weekend and she said no.’
‘She can’t tell him what to do.’
‘Well she does and he was pissed off but what could I do.’
‘Who did he take instead?’
‘Her,’ I say trying not to flash an evil and jealous look. ‘I know she sees him in their closed social circle. I don’t know why she agreed to this arrangement.’
‘But don’t you see him in the sly?’
‘Yes, we occasionally break the rules and meet up outside the given hours. I’m telling you, it’s like being on parole!’
‘Have you ever thought she did it to piss you off?’ Meena says with a smile on her face. ‘If you were seeing him behind her back you could do what the hell you liked but with it all being out in the open, she’s calling the shots.’
‘Why does he like her so much? Can’t he see she’s a bloody cow?’ I gulp.
‘You screwed her lover behind her back on more than one occasion and he spilled the beans, for whatever reason, and she agreed to an arrangement with a woman, who we all know, she can’t stand.’
‘To keep him happy!’
‘Or to give you a taste of what you can’t have?’ she says smugly.
‘You have a point,’ I concede.
‘Oh shit!’ she loudly says and I see her looking over my shoulder.
‘What’s wrong?’ I say trying to turn my head.
‘Don’t turn around, okay?’ she says forcing a smile on her face.
‘If you tell me Joan has walked in I’ll know she has me bugged.’ I laugh.
‘It’s worse,’ she says with a fixed grin. ‘It’s Josh.’
‘Oh fuck,’ I say and sit rigid on the chair. ‘Who’s he with?’
‘No idea,’ she says trying to duck behind me.
‘Male or female?’
‘He’s with a woman,’ she says then gets her handbag and starts applying powder and lipstick.
‘What on earth are you doing?’
‘I have to say hello,’ she says. ‘I can’t ignore the man. He plays five a side with Dev once a week.’
‘You never said!’
‘I didn’t want to upset you even more and tell you he’d prefer to kick a football than see you,’ she says with a fixed grin.
‘You can’t go over. Don’t leave me.’
‘I’ll be quick and I’ll get us another bottle of wine, okay?’ she says.
I don’t believe it, she’s going to say hello to him. That bloody bitch friend of mine has left me on my own! I can’t turn around and look at them so I sit there wondering what’s happening. I can’t even glug at my wine as there’s hardly anything left.
This is awful.
I feel nervous.
Hang on a minute? Why should I be nervous? I exude confidence and control. I can take anything that comes my way.
‘Hello,’ Josh says from behind me and I freeze. I turn and he’s not smiling at me. ‘Meena needed help with the ice bucket.’ He plonks it down nearly making the table topple over then sits opposite me.
‘Hi,’ I say weakly. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m well,’ he says. Josh is staring at me as if he’s going to say something but he’s holding back.
‘You look good,’ I say gulping hard.
That’s no bloody lie. His hair is lighter and he’s supporting a tan along. I can’t breathe for a moment and then I smile at him genuinely because there’s something about him that always makes me melt.
‘How’s Beth?’ he asks then I see his genuine smile too. ‘I’m a shit god father aren’t I?’
‘I told her you were really busy and you’d see her when you were around.’
‘I’ve not forgotten about her,’ he earnestly says. ‘I’ve given her gifts and-.’
‘What gifts?’
‘I pass her presents on to Joan,’ he says then the smile fades and he’s nodding at me. 'You know my god mother and your mother in law.’
‘How can I forget her,’ I say smiling.
‘The mother in law whose lover you’re sleeping with.’
Now that certainly wipes the smile off my face.
‘I see,’ I say gulping hard and hoping Meena would return quickly. ‘Are you going to lecture me after all this time?’
‘No. I just hope you know what you’re getting into,’ he says leaning closer. ‘I personally think you’ve over stepped the line.’
‘A line you’d never cross?’ Our eyes clash for a moment and I know tha
t it could all turn nasty. ‘Or is the line forgettable so that makes it okay?’ I had to get it in.
‘You just don’t let it go.’
‘No Josh, I let it go the same time you got your leg over and legged it out.’
‘Hello Joshie! Thanks for bringing the bucket over to me,’ Meena cheerfully says and puts a bottle down. ‘Your new girlfriend is adorable.’ Then my two faced best friend starts to laugh.
‘So you have broken up with Meg,’ I say looking at him as he stands up.
‘We’re taking a break,’ he says and offers Meena back her chair.
‘That’s a shame,’ says Meena sitting down. ‘She was such a lovely girl.’
‘She was a little pissed off with me,’ he says averting eye contact.
‘Why?’ I ask looking up at him and getting agitated by the second.
‘I’m sure you’ll work it all out,’ Meena sympathetically says to Josh.
‘And Meg doesn’t mind if you sleep with another woman while you’re taking a break?’ I say as he stands next to Meena looking down at me.
‘At least I’m not screwing over Beth’s grandmother or should I say screwing her lover,’ he says through gritted teeth. ‘Meg mentioned she saw you and him together.’
‘You know?’ says a gleeful Meena before pointing to me. ‘Did you tell him? That’s very modern.’
‘He knows,’ I say grabbing the bottle and filling my glass.
‘Everyone knows Belle,’ he says. ‘And it’s nothing to be proud of.’
‘Oh I know something a little worse than that,’ I snipe.
‘I shouldn’t have come over to speak to you,’ he says shaking his head. ‘I know you don’t like to hear anything that upsets that little world of yours.’
‘Well my little world has been great since I’ve been without you,’ I say and once it comes out of my mouth I know it’s a big lie.
‘Fine,’ Josh shrugs. ‘I’ll see you around Meena. Send my regards to Dev and the kids.’ He walks off.
‘Oh nice move,’ she sarcastically says before shaking her head.
‘He started it,’ I reply and feel sick to the stomach.
‘You stupid tart,’ she says smiling at me.
‘What?’
‘You’re still in love with Josh,’ she says shaking her head in disbelief.
‘Never in a million years.’