My Mother in Law's Lover

by S M Mala

  ‘But mummy, you’re not a man.’

  ‘You know what Beth, eat up your noodles before they get cold.’ I glance at Hal who is sniggering to himself. ‘And stop listening to your nana. She talks all stuff and nonsense.’

  I reckon Joan puts her up to it just to mortify me on a regular basis. I could kill her sometimes.

  ‘Uncle Hal,’ Beth says turning to him.

  ‘He’s not your uncle,’ I interject.

  ‘Shall I call him granddad,’ she says and grins to which I see Hal’s smile is instantly wiped from his face. ‘You told me to call him that didn’t you?’

  ‘I was joking,’ I laugh and see Hal is looking at Beth apprehensively. ‘Call him Hal.’

  ‘Hal,’ she says turning to look at him as he puts down his fork and turns to her. ‘Are you married?’

  ‘No,’ he says nodding his head downwards.

  ‘Are you going to marry nana?’

  ‘No,’ he shakes his head.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I don’t want to get married,’ he quickly replies. ‘You know you should listen to your mother and eat up.’

  ‘Mummy,’ she says turning to me and I see Hal roll his eyes in amusement. ‘You don’t mind if Hal marries nana do you?’

  ‘Nothing to do with me,’ I quickly say biting into my burger and chewing slowly. ‘Why are you talking about boyfriends and getting married all of a sudden?’

  ‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ she says and I can feel her shaking her legs as they hit my chins. ‘But I like another boy and I can’t have two boyfriends.’

  ‘Why not?’ asks Hal, perking up.

  ‘Because you just can’t,’ she says laughing. ‘You can only have one.’

  ‘Some people like having more than one boyfriend or girlfriend,’ I say looking at Hal.

  ‘How many girlfriends have you got Hal?’ she says picking up her bowl of noodles and trying to slurp them up.

  ‘Come on Hal, how many do you have?’ I join in seeing him scowl.

  ‘A few very special friends,’ he diplomatically replies. ‘Would you like your mummy to get a boyfriend or get married?’

  ‘Don’t be silly, she can’t,’ she says laughing and shaking her head.

  ‘Why not?’ I say.

  ‘Because you’re going to marry Josh,’ Beth exclaims loudly and Hal looks at me.

  ‘No I’m not.’

  ‘You should,’ she says glancing up at me. ‘He’s lovely and makes me laugh.’

  ‘He’s married to Meg,’ I say and breathe in deeply.

  ‘She’s silly,’ says Beth. ‘And nana says that Josh has gone a bit loopy since he came to see us.’

  ‘When was that?’ asks Hal looking at Beth.

  ‘A long time ago. It was when Mummy trod on his toe and he-.’

  ‘Beth that’s enough!’ I say knowing what’s going to come out next.

  ‘I want to go to the toilet,’ she announces crossly.

  ‘I’ll take you,’ I say standing up.

  ‘I can go myself,’ she says and stands up.

  ‘Be careful with the stairs,’ I say looking at her covered in sauce.

  ‘I do it all the time,’ Beth sniffs and walks away.

  ‘Funny kid,’ Hal says. ‘And even a funnier nana. Don’t you think Widow Twanky?’

  ‘Listen granddad,’ I reply. ‘Can’t you see she’s the spawn of Joan?’

  He leans over and wipes something off my face then puts it in his mouth.

  ‘Ketchup,’ he whispers. ‘Which is what I’d love to do with you later.’

  ‘Ha! Ha! Ha! Mr Smooth. How comes you’re let out on a weekend? Shouldn’t you be with your ‘special friend’?’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘You know what I mean. You’re not sticking to the rules,’ I sigh seeing how beautiful he looks as he leans over and licks my face.

  ‘Mustard,’ he says and smiles millimetres from me. ‘I really want to kiss you.’

  ‘Child in the vicinity,’ I warn and look to see if I can spot parents of Beth’s friends. ‘Does Joan know you’re here?’

  ‘No,’ he says sitting back and looking at me.

  ‘You’re being naughty,’ I grin

  ‘It’s been four months and a little variation is good, don’t you think?’

  We head off home and Beth immediately takes Hal into the garden so they can play. This means she’s running around as he chases her. I can see he’s getting knackered.

  ‘Beth, let Hal sit down for a moment, he needs a rest,’ I say sprawled on my chair enjoying the sunshine.

  ‘In a minute,’ she says screaming with laughter as he’s trying to catch her.

  ‘He’s not used to such energetic girls!’ I say and am met with a raised eyebrow from Hal.

  ‘I know,’ laughs Beth. ‘He’s got boys.’

  ‘Boy?’ I say looking at Hal who is now trying to catch his breath.

  ‘Yes mummy. Hal has two boys,’ she laughs and I look at Hal.

  ‘You have two boys?’ I ask sitting up and looking at him. ‘Two sons?’

  ‘Certainly have,’ he says starting to chase her again and I am totally gob smacked.

  ‘You never told me,’ I say, trying to sound light hearted through gritted teeth.

  ‘You never asked,’ he laughs as Beth tries to tickle him.

  I sit there stumped for a moment and look at him. He’s so full of secrets. Do I really know him at all? Obviously not.

  ‘How old are they?’ I ask waiting to see if he’s going to make eye contact.

  ‘Jack’s nearly ten and Mylo is the same age as Beth.’ He’s totally focussed on my daughter.

  ‘And this slipped your mind, did it?’ I stand up and walk into the kitchen before yelling. ‘Beth, it’s time to go to bed. Hal has to go home.’

  ‘No don’t go,’ she yells back. ‘I don’t want to go to bed!’

  ‘Do as your mum says,’ he says gently and flashes me a look. ‘I have to go.’

  I wait at the door as she walks in followed by Hal who’s giving me a funny look.

  ‘Say goodbye to Hal, he has to go home,’ I say trying to hide the fact I’ve got the arse with him.

  ‘I want Hal to take me to bed!’ she snaps.

  ‘Watch how you’re speaking to me, okay?’ I warn. ‘It’s way passed your bedtime and I’m sure Hal needs to be somewhere else.’

  ‘Nor urgently,’ he says smiling brightly before shoving his hands in his pockets. ‘I’ll take Beth to bed.’

  ‘You don’t have to,’ I say ushering Beth along towards the stairs.

  ‘I want to,’ Hal replies and looks at me. ‘Then I think we should talk.’

  ‘Really?’ I say putting on a fake smile. ‘How novel.’ I turn to Beth and give her a big kiss and a hug. ‘Goodnight baby and please brush your teeth properly.’

  ‘Yes mum,’ she says and grabs Hal’s hand, pulling him up the stairs.

  I sit at the kitchen table wondering why he never told me about his kids. I don’t get it. Fifteen minutes later he comes down the stairs and stands opposite me.

  ‘You’re not happy that I’ve got kids then?’ he says looking at me seriously.

  ‘No!’ I say then realise I have to keep my voice down. ‘I’m delighted! Why didn’t you bloody well tell me? How comes my child knows more about you than I do?’

  ‘I never talk about them,’ Hal replies sitting down opposite me.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘It’s no one’s business other than my own,’ he shrugs.

  ‘Do you see them?’

  ‘Where do you think I go every month?’ he says glaring at me. ‘Do you think I’m incapable of being a father?’

  ‘No! It’s something I didn’t equate with you.’

  ‘I wish I could see them more but it’s not feasible,’ he says miserably, looking at the table.

  ‘Where do they live?’ I say seeing he’s agitated.

  ‘In San Francisco with their mother.’

 
‘Do you miss them?’ I ask wondering what it must feel like to be separated.

  ‘Very much,’ he gulps and I see a flicker of emotion. ‘They’re amazing kids.’

  ‘Show me a picture then,’ I say trying to soften him up as he smiles.

  Hal stands up and sits on the chair next to me pulling out his flash mobile phone. There are two beautiful little boys who are quite similar in colouring to Beth.

  ‘Where’s your wife from?’ I ask glancing at him.

  ‘She’s a fiery Cuban,’ he smiles and looks at me.

  ‘Why don’t you tell me anything?’ I say touching his hand and loving the fact he’s a dad.

  ‘Because I don’t want us to have too much in common,’ he laughs. ‘Do you still want me to go?’

  ‘I wish you’d talk to me more. I tell you everything.’

  ‘That’s because you’re constantly talking,’ he sweetly smiles. ‘The only thing that shuts you up is sex though you have been known to talk through that.’

  ‘You are a shit,’ I say grinning. ‘It’s lovely to see you.’

  I lean closer to him and we kiss. It’s like fireworks going off in my head and I want him so much. He gently pulls away and looks at me.

  ‘Don’t you dare go falling in love with me because I’m a dad. You women go all gushy about that,’ he smiles and I feel his hand on my thigh.

  ‘Does Joan go all gushy?’

  ‘God no,’ he laughs. ‘She breaks out into a rash if I even mention their names. There’s only one child in her life and that’s Beth oh and there’s the other one with special needs.’

  ‘You!’ I laugh.

  ‘No, you!’ he says kissing my nose. ‘Can we go to bed now Widow Twanky because I’d like you to give me a good wa-.’?’

  ‘Hey funny guy,’ I say putting my hand over his mouth. ‘You know I don’t let men stay the night.’

  ‘You let Josh,’ he says kissing the palm of my hand before leaning even closer. ‘Worried I’ll sully the memory?’

  ‘No,’ I say feeling a bit defensive.

  ‘Have you changed the sheets since then or are you savouring his scent?’

  ‘I don’t have a fixation for him anymore,’ I shrug and avoid eye contact for a second before I glance at his unconvinced expression. ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’

  ‘You can’t still want him after all this time?’ he laughs and shakes his head. ‘Baby, he’s got his wife or girlfriend, who knows.’

  ‘I’m not allowed to fall in love with you so I might as well stay in love with him,’ I huff. ‘At least it’s unrequited and I’ve less of a chance getting hurt.’

  ‘You know as well as I do it’s not unrequited with him,’ he whispers and runs his fingers through my hair. ‘It’s just not possible.

  ‘And that’s where you come in,’ I smile as he shrugs. ’A man who doesn’t tell me anything, even though I know every millimetre of his body plus how to make him tick.’

  ‘You think?’ he slyly smiles.

  ‘I know,’ I grin and I can tell he can’t answer that. See, I knew I was a sex goddess deep down.

  ‘And that comes from the woman who was overheard by her child shagging her god father.’

  ‘How do you know that? Did she tell you?’ I’m going bright red. ‘She surely can’t remember.’

  ‘Stepping on his toe,’ he laughs and shakes his head. ‘Is that what you call it now?’

  ‘Don’t,’ I say pushing him away and sitting up straight. ‘I didn’t know what to say.’

  ‘Let me make love to you in your bed?’ Hal says kissing me gently.

  ‘As long as you’re really quiet.’

  ‘So you’re going to let me?’ he says looking genuinely surprised. ‘I am honoured.’

  ‘The only men that have slept in there are Kai, Josh and now, if you’re very good, you.’

  ‘It hasn’t seen much action in a while, has it?’ he laughs grabbing my hand and pulling me up the stairs.

  We creep to the bedroom and shut the door.

  ‘This is the first time I’ve been in here,’ he smiles and looks around the room before walking towards men’s you’re telling me you’ve spent most of the past four years sleeping alone in this bed?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say. It sounds pretty sad when he puts it like that.

  ‘Don’t you miss waking up with someone in the morning?’

  ‘Sometimes Beth comes in and I find that she has shoved her foot up my backside, so I don’t really miss sharing the bed on certain occasions,’ I smile.

  ‘You can’t spend the rest of your life sleeping alone,’ he gently says and kisses me. ‘That’s not an offer from me, so you know.’

  ‘I wouldn’t expect it to be,’ I say slightly deflated. ‘You’re honest so what more can I expect?’

  ‘What did Josh do when he was here?’ he asks and I look at his narrowed eyes.

  ‘Why are you so interested?’ I say pushing him away. ‘I don’t want to think about it, okay?’

  ‘Basically the men that have landed up in this bed you’ve been in love with, am I right?’ he smirks.

  ‘There may be a pattern developing.’ I say wondering what he’s getting up. ‘And it’s quite extraordinary that you know the pair of them, isn’t it?’

  ‘That’s a little weird,’ he says nodding.

  ‘And the weirdest thing is that you’re also screwing my mother in law, the mother of one of them and the god mother of the other,’ I reply watching his smile slightly fade before he sighs.

  ‘I suppose,’ he says looking shiftily around.

  ‘Isn’t it lovely we’re keeping it in the family?’ I sarcastically say.

  ‘I’ll shut up and do what I do best, should I?’

  ‘Which is what?’

  ‘Make love to you,’ he laughs and pulls me to the bed.

  ‘You shouldn’t be using the ‘l’ word or I’ll take it the wrong way,’ I say pushing up his t-shirt. ‘You’re the exception now, aren’t you?’

  ‘Alright, I’ll rephrase it,’ Hal says pulling me on top of him so we’re face to face. ‘Are you up for it?’

  ‘Well if you put it so romantically like that, how can I refuse?’

  Twenty

  Joan is waiting for me at her local restaurant looking lovely, kitted out in a rather natty little Chanel suit, making me feel like an Oxfam reject.

  Luckily when Hal stayed the night he left in the early hours before Beth woke up, so the breach of her rules hasn’t been discovered… yet. He was acting quite strangely that night, full of hugs and kisses, incredibly loving. I think he was trying to show he was caring up to the point when he put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet and nearly suffocated me. I retaliated by smothering him with a pillow and I think the little pervert liked it.

  I wonder if Joan found out about our impromptu session and that’s why I’ve been summoned to see her? Yikes!

  ‘Who’ve you palmed Beth off with today?’ Joan asks, with her usual sneer.

  ‘My mum’s got her, is that okay with you nana? I’m starving.’

  ‘I can only afford three courses,’ she snipes and looks at me. ‘I suppose you want to know why I wanted to see you?’

  ‘Free lunch?’ I smile.

  ‘I never thought he had a fetish for fat girls,’ she announces through gritted her teeth. ‘And you of all people! He could have got a plus size model but you?’

  ‘You’re talking about Hal?’

  ‘Are you happy?’ she asks sternly.

  ‘What’s there not to be happy about?’

  ‘The way he was all over you at his party. What a show!’ she says looking disgusted. ‘I told the pair of you no acts of public affection. It made my stomach turn and his friends were laughing about you behind his back.’

  Ouch, that hurt!

  ‘That was ages ago and you’re still going on about it,’ I sigh shaking my head. ‘It’s not the best situation though you suggested it in the first place.’

  ‘As I k
eep telling you,’ she said sighing. ‘It was his. He likes rough occasionally.’

  ‘Why let the man you’re in love with screw me?’

  It’s going to be a long lunch.

  ‘You could have said no,’ Joan grimaces. ‘But not you! Knowing full well I was seeing him-.’

  ‘I didn’t-.’

  ‘Liar!’ she says thumping the table. ‘You practically forced yourself on him!’

  ‘I did not!’ I proclaim innocently. ‘It was all him!’

  ‘Really,’ she says not convinced.

  ‘Why do you keep going on about it?’

  ‘I want it to stop!’ she said loudly, making me jump.

  ‘What’s the problem? It’s all been going well hasn’t it? You see him, I see him, I tell you when he’s coming round, how long he stays, where we go? The only thing I don’t tell you is what positions we do it in and how many times!’

  ‘Gross,’ she says and looks like she’s going to be sick.

  ‘I don’t ask about when he sees you so I think I’m being perfectly reasonable,’ I say with as much dignity as I can muster.

  ‘You’re in no position to be reasonable about anything!’

  You see, when I see her face to face I realise the whole situation is completely nuts. I’m not sure why I’m still participating (okay, I’m falling for him and I’m lucky to get my bits serviced once a week!)

  ‘You should never have slept with him in the first place then we wouldn’t be doing this shared thing,’ she snaps at me. ‘I only told him to-.’

  ‘Told him to what?’

  ‘I told him to be nice to you,’ she says, her mouth pursed as if she doesn’t want to let anything else out.

  ‘Well he was nice.’

  ‘I thought it might distract you from Josh,’ Joan sniffs. ‘It did the trick didn’t it?’

  ‘Not really,’ I say, trying to disguise the hurt I feel when I hear Josh’s name. ‘Anyway, I’m not falling in love with Hal.’

  ‘You better not.’

  ‘I like him.’

  ‘Like him!’ she says and shakes her head.

  ‘What’s there not to like?’

  ‘His appeal is obviously his wallet and dick but not in that order.’

  ‘I don’t take any money from Hal, thanks very much.’

  ‘I’m surprised he doesn’t check his wallet.’

  ‘I’m not a thief!’