Women 101:
A Father’s Humorous Guide To His Son
E. A. Briginshaw
Copyright © 2017 Ernest A. Briginshaw
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the express written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Pictures used on the front and back covers of the book are licensed through Shutterstock.
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
ISBN: 978-0-9921390-8-7 (Book)
ISBN: 978-0-9921390-9-4 (eBook)
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Although the novel is a work of fiction, some of the characters are composite characters based on my family and friends. Thanks to all the people who reviewed and critiqued numerous drafts of this novel including friends, members of my family, authors from the London Writers Society and writers from the Writers’ Nook in beautiful Blind Bay, British Columbia.
Table of Contents
What’s a Father Supposed to Do?
Lesson 1: Where To Meet Women
Lesson 2: Women Lie
Lesson 3: How To Talk to Women
Lesson 4: Compatability
Lesson 5: Playing The Field
Lesson 6: Sex
Lesson 7: Gifts and Celebrations
Lesson 8: Quirks & Faults
Lesson 9: Practice Makes Perfect
In Conclusion
What’s a Father Supposed to Do?
Dave McDonald was in way over his head and he knew it. His son Trevor had just called and said he was on his way over for their first session. It was too late to back out now. But what is a father supposed to do? When your son asks for help, you’re supposed to give it – no matter what – right?
Dave poured himself a cup of coffee and looked out the kitchen window at the small tree that grew in the back yard. He could see his own reflection in the glass and was surprised at the number of new lines on his face. Were those laugh lines around his eyes or worry lines? It didn’t matter. There were more lines than a man of forty-six should have.
“You’re up early,” his wife Susan said as she came into the kitchen. Duddly, their eight-year-old Bichon followed along behind her. Although dogs are supposed to be man’s best friend, it was obvious Duddly preferred his wife’s company.
“You worked so late last night I thought you’d be sleeping in,” Susan said.
He poured her a cup of coffee – black, just the way she liked it – and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
“Yeah, I thought so too but I woke up at my normal time – even without the alarm.”
“Have you seen my music?” she asked.
“What music?”
“The Messiah. We start rehearsals this morning and I was going over it last night, but I didn’t put it back in my bag.”
He watched her as she started her search. There were no lines on her face. Although she was a year older than he was, she looked ten years younger. He wondered how he’d ever managed to get a girl like her to marry him.
He started to help with the search. Losing things was one of her quirks and she was a master at it. She could have something in her hand and it could vanish into thin air in the blink of an eye. She should have been a magician.
“Here it is,” Dave said.
“Where was it?”
“In the cupboard on top of the plates.”
He waited for the explanation.
“Oh, right. I had it on the kitchen counter, but threw it up in the cupboard when I spilled something.”
Dave started to smile, but then tried to hide it.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “It makes perfect sense.”
“Yes, dear.”
“Are you going to come to the Messiah this year?”
Dave put on his poker face. He admired his wife’s vocal skills; not everyone is talented enough to sing with the symphony orchestra. But if he was being honest, he’d have to admit he found the oratorio boring.
“We’ll see,” he said.
“Maybe Trevor could come with you. Have you heard from him lately?”
The poker face returned. “No.”
“That’s strange. He’s usually over here for one thing or another every couple of days. I hope he’s okay.”
“I’m sure he’s fine.”
“You should call him. You two used to talk for hours about all kinds of stuff.”
Dave hated deceiving his wife, but he was caught between a rock and a hard place. Trevor had sworn him to secrecy about their upcoming sessions.
Susan glanced at her watch.
“Oh, I gotta go. Can’t be late.”
Dave handed her half of his bagel that he’d just smothered in cream cheese. “Here, take this. You shouldn’t head out without anything to eat.”
“Thanks,” she said.
She took a quick bite of the bagel and gave him a kiss, deliberately smooshing some of the cream cheese on his cheek. She was such a tease.
She grabbed her music, threw it in her bag and headed out the door. Dave watched through the kitchen door as she paused to talk to the tree along the back walkway.
“Good morning, Cupid. Still hanging in there, are you? Be brave. Cold weather’s coming.”
She blew Dave a kiss before she headed into the garage.
Dave and Duddly stood at the back door and watched her back out of the driveway. It was only a few minutes later when Trevor pulled in.
Trevor was their twenty-four-year-old son. He was smart, athletic, personable, and relatively good looking. It didn’t make any sense when he had called and asked his for help with women.
Sure, Trevor had been a nerd during his high-school years, spending more time in the basement playing video games than any normal human being ever should, but there had always been Jessica hanging around. She was the girl-next-door and had been Trevor’s best friend since they moved into the neighbourhood when he was six. They’d gone through public school together, were declared the “cutest couple” at their high school prom, and spent four years together at the local university. Trevor was completely shocked when Jessica told him she was moving to Toronto and leaving him behind.
Trevor waved as he approached the back door. “Mom’s already gone, right?”
“Yeah, she left a few minutes ago,” Dave said.
The calendar hanging on the front of the fridge showed she had rehearsals every Saturday morning for the next ten weeks. Trevor had surmised that his father could teach him everything he needed to know about women in ten two-hour sessions. That fact alone was a clue as to how much help Trevor really needed.
Although Dave hated hiding anything from his wife, he wasn’t keen for her to find out about their upcoming father-son sessions either. He knew she’d say he was hardly qualified to be giving such advice.
Today was lesson one: Where to Meet Women.
Lesson 1: Where To Meet Women
Trevor sat down at the kitchen table and pulled out a small notepad and a Red Bull from his coat pocket. Dave poured himself another cup of coffee, preferring to get his caffeine the old-fashioned way.
“Okay Dad, where’s the best place to meet women?”
“Whoa, slow down son. Before we get started, what makes you think you need my help with women?”
“Come on, Dad. Let’s face it, I need all the hel
p I can get. Steve says he won’t be my wingman any more in the bars. And the other guys don’t want to have anything to do with me either. They say I’m wrecking it for all of them.” He hung his head. “There’s even Facebook postings about some of the dumb things I’ve said to women.”
Dave looked at his son and realized things were worse than he thought. Maybe Trevor did need his help. He looked so young, so naïve, so stupid. It was like watching Bambi about to wander out of the forest unaware that there were hunters with guns out there. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. The women he’d encounter wouldn’t be carrying guns, at least he hoped not.
Dave decided to start with the basics. “The best place to meet women is where you spend the majority of your time, like at work or school,” he said.
“I’m done school,” Trevor said. “And I don’t think I’ll meet any prospects at the plant. I think there are only two women there in total.”
That was true. Trevor had graduated from university over a year ago and landed a position as a design engineer at a local auto parts company. He said the two women who worked in the production plant scared him. Dave had seen them one day when picking Trevor up for a lunch date; they scared him too.
Time to look at Plan B.
“I’ve heard grocery stores are a good place to meet women,” Dave said.
Duddly looked up at him with a puzzled look on his face and Dave wondered if the dog understood what he’d just said. Duddly walked over and sat down on the mat by the back door, as if waiting for Susan to return. Man’s best friend, my ass. He definitely preferred Susan. He put his paws over his ears, as if doing so would allow him to deny any knowledge of what was going on.
Dave turned his focus back to Trevor.
“I’d suggest hanging around the produce department. If you ask some of the women there for help, they’ll immediately clue in you’re a bachelor who’s not still living at home with his mother. Plus, it appeals to a woman’s basic instinct to nurture and take care of a man. They love that kind of stuff.”
“You really think that’ll work?” Trevor asked.
Dave spent the next half-hour explaining the various techniques he had used when he was younger. It was only when he was wrapping up his lesson that he realized he was describing a scene from an old episode of Happy Days – the one where Fonzie tries to help Richie meet women. But it was too late to change strategy now. Fortunately, Trevor wouldn’t know how that episode turned out, because it aired before he was born.
Trevor said he would give it a try during the week and report back on the following Saturday.
* * *
Trevor noticed a cute blonde in the checkout lane at the grocery store and quickly pushed his cart in behind her.
“Sorry, but this lane is for ten items or less,” the checkout girl said. “Lane four is open.”
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be okay,” Trevor said. “I’m just a few items over.”
He turned his focus to the cute blonde.
“We seem to keep running into each other. It’s lucky that we both shop here.”
“Yes, I was just thinking how lucky I am,” she replied.
“I’m Trevor. Remember me from two nights ago?”
“How could I forget?”
“That’ll be nine-fifty,” the checkout clerk said. “Cash, debit or credit?”
“Cash,” the blonde girl said. “That’ll be the quickest.”
She handed the clerk a ten dollar bill. “Keep the change,” she said as she bolted from the store.
Trevor watched her leave and then turned his focus to his own order. “I’m in a bit of a hurry myself. I’d appreciate it if you could ring me through quickly.”
“I’ll do my best,” the checkout clerk said.
Trevor’s eyes were still on the blonde leaving the store.
“She’s not interested, you know,” the checkout girl said.
Trevor looked at her. She was wearing a bulky green apron with the name of the store across the chest, the same kind worn by all of the staff. Her brown hair was pulled into an unflattering, tight pony-tail. Her nametag showed that her name was Amanda.
“Excuse me?” Trevor said.
“I’m just saying there’s no point running after her. It’s quite clear she’s not interested in going out with you.”
“Really? How can you tell?”
Amanda stopped scanning items and looked at him. “You’re kidding, right? She practically set a new speed record running from the store.” She scanned a few more items. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m sure it’s because she’s already got a boyfriend.”
“She does? How can you tell?”
“I’ve seen her in here with him. Besides, she’s not your type.”
Amanda held up one of the vegetables that Trevor had purchased and yelled to the girl at the next checkout lane. “Wendy, do you know the code for whatever this is?”
“1-4-1-9,” Wendy yelled back.
“You a vegetarian?” Amanda asked Trevor.
“No. What makes you think that?”
“I’ve seen you in here three times already this week and you’ve bought nothing but vegetables.”
“I’m trying something new,” Trevor said.
“And how’s that working out for you?”
“Not sure yet.”
Amanda picked up a card from alongside her register and handed it to Trevor.
“You should probably get one of our Mega-Points cards since you’re becoming one of our regular customers. Just go online and register the number on the back.”
She swiped the card through her register. “Look, you just earned six hundred points on what you bought today. That’ll be sixteen-forty-five.”
Trevor handed her a twenty dollar bill. “What makes you think I’m going to be a regular customer?”
“Just a hunch,” she said as she handed him his change.
She watched him walk out of the store. “Come back soon,” she yelled.
* * *
Trevor showed up at his father’s house the following Saturday morning carrying several bags of groceries. “I don’t suppose you want some vegetables,” he said.
Dave was encouraged to see that Trevor had followed through on their first lesson.
Duddly came and sniffed one of the bags, turned up his nose and then headed over to sit on the matt inside the back door. There was nothing in the bags he was interested in.
Trevor proceeded to empty the grocery bags on the kitchen table. There were more vegetables than Dave had ever seen in his whole life. He recognized most of them, but a few left him stumped.
“What the hell is this?” Dave asked, pointing to some green, leafy stuff.
“I forget,” Trevor said. “It’s either spinach, kale or watercress. I’ve been eating nothing but vegetables all week.” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. “I’ve got a severe case of the runs.”
“You weren’t supposed to buy every vegetable in the place,” Dave said, “just browse through the produce section.”
They sat down at the kitchen table.
“Don’t worry about the groceries,” Dave said. “Did it work? Did you meet any women?”
“I tried,” Trevor said. “I went to the local Valu-Shop store on Monday after work and spent about two hours there, just like you told me. Whenever I’d see a cute girl, I’d wander over and ask if she knew how to pick out a good melon or how you’re supposed to cook Brussels sprouts.” He threw up his hands in frustration. “You know what, Dad? Most women don’t know. They’re as clueless as I am!”
“So you didn’t meet any women at all?”
“I did meet one,” Trevor said. “She didn’t know any more about fruits and vegetables than I did, but we started up a nice conversation. It was going great until Mrs. Jones showed up.”
“Mrs. Jones? You mean the old lady from down the street?”
“Yep. She was in there shopping and overheard us talking about produc
e. Before I knew it, she was conducting a Vegetables 101 class for both of us. The cute girl managed to make her escape, but I was stuck. That’s where that kale or watercress, or whatever the hell that is, came from.”
Suddenly there was a scary, rumbling sound coming from Trevor’s stomach. He took the cap off the Pepto and took a swig.
“But I didn’t give up,” he continued. “I figured I should go to a different store the next day – one with less chance of running into Mrs. Jones or anyone else I might know. On Tuesday, I went to the Mega-Shop on the other side of town. It’s huge and as a bonus, it’s got a women’s fitness club up on the second floor. I figured women would shop there either before or after their workouts.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” Dave said. It was obvious that Trevor was taking his search seriously.
“Those fitness and yoga classes sure attract a lot of women,” Trevor continued. “I managed to strike up several conversations during the week and we’d continue chatting while we waited in the checkout line. Things would be going really well, but when I’d ask them whether they wanted to go out for coffee or to a movie sometime, they’d tell me they were busy or already had a boyfriend.”
“Did you make any progress with any of them?” Dave asked.
“Not really. I went back there every night this week. I got a few names and telephone numbers, but didn’t get any further than that. I even shopped there twice on Thursday. Amanda noticed how often I’m there and signed me up for their Mega-Points card.”
“Who’s Amanda?”
“She’s the checkout girl at the 10-items-or-less lane at the Mega-Shop store. She said I should get their loyalty card – said it could save me a few bucks. By the way, I don’t suppose you want to loan me some money until next payday. I’m running a little short.”
Dave reached into his wallet and slid a couple of twenties across the table.
“These women who gave you their number – did you try calling any of them?” he asked.
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