Chef

by Throsby, Lynda

  I feel Caspian before I see him. I know he's watching us. Well, it's now or never. I turn around and come face to face with him. “Hi,” I say looking down.

  “Hi,” he says back to me. He looks to Dixon, “Hello there, and what's your name? My name is Caspian, or you can call me Casp.” I look, and he's crouched down in front of Dixon, holding his hand out to shake it.

  Dixon looks at me for confirmation he's allowed to speak to Caspian. I nod my head yes to him. He smiles and takes Caspian's hand and shakes it. “Hello Casp, my name is Dixon, and I'm five and three quarters, nearly six.”

  Caspian looks up at me and smiles, still shaking Dixon's hand. “Well, hello, Dixon, who is five and three quarters. It's really nice to meet you. I'm a good friend of your erm…” He looks up at me. Well, this is slightly awkward.

  “That's my momma. Do you think she's pretty? I think she's the prettiest Momma in the whole world.”

  Caspian seems captivated. He smiles and nods his head. “Yes, Dixon, I do, she is also the prettiest friend in the whole world too.”

  I start to blush. I can feel the heat travel up my neck to my cheeks, and I look away from his gaze. He gets up and faces me. “Hey, how are you feeling?” he says tapping his head to indicate my own.

  He doesn't have his bandage on now. I’ve taken mine off and just have a band-aid over the cut. “I'm okay, thank you. How about you? Is your head okay?”

  He nods, yes. “Hey Dixon, how about we go up to the toy department, and you pick out a toy as a gift from me, as long as it's okay with your pretty Mommy?” Dixon looks up to me with a big smile on his face. “Can we momma? Please?”

  How can I say no to that? “Yes, of course.”

  Dixon squeals taking both our hands “Come on then."

  We reach the toy department, and Dixon is all excited. He finds where all the dinosaurs are first. We stand back slightly, but I keep my eye on him, never letting him out of my sight for a moment. “I got your text, Macen. You don't have to apologize for last night. I know it looked bad but would you let me explain, please?”

  I shake my head. “You don't owe me any explanations, Caspian. What you do is your business, not mine.”

  “Well, I want to explain. I was on my way back home from the doctors, and Darcy had just come out of Tiffany's. We are old friends, and she is very loud and boisterous. Her way of greeting is hugging and kissing, and that's what she did. It was nothing more. We had a quick chat, she asked if we could hook up, but I told her I was off the market permanently. Then we went our separate ways. I went back home alone. That was all it was. Innocent friends.”

  He just admitted to being off the market permanently. I feel a fool.

  “I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Dixon. I didn't do it intentionally, and I tried to tell you the other day. If you'd asked me at my interview if I had any children, I would have told you.” Just then Dixon runs over with a dinosaur, all excited, asking, could he get that one, please? Caspian crouches down to be at his level. “If that's what you want then, yes, of course. What is it?”

  Dixon beams because Caspian doesn't know what dinosaur it is. “It's a triceratops.”

  “Wow, he looks scary. Are you sure you want that one?”

  Dixon nods vigorously, yes.

  Caspian gets up and ruffles Dixon's head. “Okay, let's go get triceratops for you. Is that okay, Momma?”

  I nod, yes.

  The driver is waiting outside for us. Something is bothering me, and I turn to Caspian. “How did you know where we were?”

  He nods to his driver. “Steve was picking me up from my appointment when you called. I knew it was you he was talking to. I made him bring me here.” He shrugs. Dixon climbs into the back of the car, and I get on my tiptoes to kiss Caspian on the cheek. “Thank you, for everything.”

  He smiles down at me. “Don't thank me, and for the record, you have an amazing kid there. Is his father in the picture?”

  I shake my head, no, and it's my turn to beam now.

  Caspian

  I’M IN HEAVEN — I’m sitting in the back of the car with Macen and her son, Dixon. He is the cutest kid I’ve ever met. Very intelligent. He looks just like his momma, although his hair isn’t red, more a strawberry blonde, but he has her eyes and nose. He’s adorable. I do love kids. I always wanted them but never thought it would happen. Who knows now, though? I love this woman, and the more I’m with Dixon, I can see me loving him.

  I was going out of my mind with her not talking to me. After she sent me the link with those pictures on, I thought I had lost any chance with her. I know what it looked like. I’m glad she let me explain it to her. I know we’re not together in the way I want to be, but I feel reassured at her reaction to the pictures. I loved she was so mad. It shows me how deeply she’s into me.

  I had my meeting with the lawyer and the research they’ve done points to a big yes for me going for the Vegas restaurant. I was ecstatic, everything in my gut was telling me I wanted it and to go for it. When I got into the car after my meeting and heard Steve was talking to Macen, I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s about time I got some luck after all the bad shit that’s been happening.

  We approach her apartment. I don’t want her to go. I want to spend time with her. I haven’t held her hand because of Dixon being with us, but she’s sitting next to me, and I’m touching the side of her thigh with mine. I nudge her leg, and she looks at me, and I lean in to whisper in her ear. “Are you okay? How’s your head?”

  She smiles at me then leans in a bit closer, “Much better today, thanks. I am sorry about...”

  I put my finger on her lips to shush her and shake my head. “No more apologies, okay?”

  She nods. The car comes to a stop, and I sigh, the journey is over too soon.

  She looks at me, raising an eyebrow in question at my sigh. I just shrug. “You okay?” She looks worried.

  “Yeah, Mace, just too soon.” She looks confused. “To say goodbye,” I whisper.

  She unclips Dixon from his seat, and I get out so that they can slide out this way, onto the sidewalk and not into the street. Dixon runs up the steps. “Come on, Momma, I need to show Grandma my new triceratops, ROAR.”

  He’s funny, running his dinosaur up and down the railings on the steps, making roaring sounds.

  I stand in front of Macen, looking down at her. I don’t take her hand like I want to, but I lift her chin with a finger so she looks at me. “Hey, Casp, do you want to come in and see all my other dinosaurs? I have a lot, you know. They are my favourite-ist things.”

  He carries on playing on the steps, as I raise an eyebrow to Macen. “Yes, would you like to come up and have a coffee? Dixon can show you his dinosaurs.”

  My heart is pounding. She’s actually asking me inside this time. Then the penny drops. She didn’t invite me in last time because of Dixon, not Doris being sick. She hadn't told me about him. I’m relieved that it wasn’t because she wasn’t into me. “So, I take it Grandma wasn't sick the other day then?”

  She looks at me wide-eyed and shakes her head, grinning. “Come on, Caspian, let's get inside. It's too cold out here, and it will be Dixon's bedtime soon.”

  I’m shocked at the size of her apartment. Grandma must have some cash to afford this place. “Nice place Doris has here, Macen.”

  She looks sheepish. “Erm, it’s actually my place. Grandma lives in Atlanta, and she’s come to help me with Dixon because of the new job. She knows it’s what I’ve always dreamt of doing and wants to help, plus she missed us both so much.”

  Okay, then this is a really nice place for Macen and being a single mom, it must be hard.

  Dixon runs in behind us. “Come on, Casp, let me show you my room with all my dinosaurs.” He grabs my hand and pulls me toward his room. I look down in awe — his little hand is so tiny in my big one. I look at Macen, making sure she's good with this, and she's smiling from ear to ear. She nods, letting me know it's fine.

  “I'll just put the c
offee on for us. Then, Dix, once you've shown Caspian your dinosaurs, it's ready for bed.”

  “Aww, but, Momma, there's no school tomorrow. You said it's weekend. Casp, I'm at a party on Sunday.” He looks up at me. I'm huge compared to him so I crouch down, as he's still holding my hand.

  “Oh, wow, where's your party at?”

  He puts a finger on his lip and tries to think. “It's for burgers I think, at some fancy place, but I don't care about that because after it's watching live dinosaurs, and I can't wait for that.” Macen looks at me. “The party is at Casper’s. I didn’t know we did kid’s parties?”

  Ah, yes, I have a private party in the restaurant on Sunday for one of my regular customers who is a friend as well. He’s a very wealthy businessman, and he's paying me a fortune to put on his kid's party. I don't do private parties, let alone kids’ parties, but the money he is paying was too good to turn down. The fact that I'm open to the public an hour later than usual will quadruple the amount I would have taken.

  Dixon tries to yank me to his room and nearly pulls me over. I get up, and he drags me along. I hear Macen laughing, and I turn and wink at her. “So, these live dinosaurs — won't that be scary, Dixon?”

  He stops and looks up at me. “Silly, Casp, they're robots. Momma told me we don't have real-life dinosaurs anymore because they all be extinct-ed.”

  I smile down at him and ruffle his hair. “You mean extinct?”

  “Yes, that's the one. Come on, Casp.” He drags me to his room. I look back again, and Macen is still watching us, leaning on the wall and smiling from ear to ear. I wink again, and she blushes, then I disappear.

  I sense Macen standing at the door to Dixon's bedroom. We're sitting on the floor, and I'm surrounded by dinosaurs. We've been playing dinosaurs for ages, both of us roaring at each other. I turn to look at Macen, and I wink at her again. She's smiling. I love seeing her this happy. “Right, Dixon, come on let's get you into the bathroom and ready for bed. I'm sure poor Caspian is ready for a coffee after all this roaring.”

  “Aww, Momma just a few more minutes, pleassssss?”

  “Nope, come on. It’s late. You need your milk and supper, then I can read you a story before Caspian has to go.”

  He looks sad now, and I’ve loved playing with him, he’s such a great kid. “Come on, Dixon, lets tidy the dinosaurs up and then get some supper, sounds good to me, what do you think?”

  He shrugs, gathering up the dinosaurs except for the new triceratops I bought him, which gets placed on his nightstand. Macen comes in to help, and as the three of us are tidying, it feels so right.

  I sit in the living room, waiting as Macen gets Dixon ready for bed. I feel a bit lost, not knowing what to do. I would make the supper if I knew what he was having and where the stuff was. She has a lovely place here, full of pictures of Dixon, Doris, and her. You can see the love they all have as a family. It makes me a little sad not knowing what that’s like, but also happy because I can see how happy Macen is.

  Dixon comes back into the room in his T-Rex PJ’s. He has a book in his hand, and he sits next to me on the couch and hands me the book. “Wow, this looks interesting. Is this what your momma reads to you? Is this how you know so much about dinosaurs?” The book is nearly as big as him. I open it, and he starts telling me about the dinosaurs on the pages. It's a great book with a lot of details.

  We’re still reading when Macen comes in with Dixon's milk and two cookies. “Come on, Dix. I'll let you sit at the coffee table to have these if you want instead of the kitchen table?”

  He nods and goes to kneel on the floor, eating his cookies and drinking his milk.

  "Hmm, they look nice, Dixon.”

  He looks at me while eating a cookie. “Momma makes me special cookies. She makes different ones all the time but says they are special healthy ones. I love Momma's baking.”

  I raise an eyebrow to Macen as she hands me a plate with a couple of mixed cookies on them. “I make my own, that way, I know what goes in them, and I know what Dixon gets is healthy and not full of sugar.” She shrugs, taking a cookie and sitting next to me on the couch.

  I take a bite of a cookie and, wow, they are amazing. “Well, Dixon, I have to agree with you, buddy, these are the best cookies I've ever tasted. Your momma is a great baker.” I turn and wink at her again, and I see the blush rising up her chest, neck, and face. I smile at her.

  “Casp, how do you know my momma?”

  I'm still looking at Macen when he asks. I raise an eyebrow, but Macen answers for me. “You know Momma got a new job in the fancy restaurant? Well, Caspian here is Momma's boss. He owns the fancy restaurant where you will be going to the party on Sunday.”

  Dixon looks puzzled for a minute as if trying to work something out. “So, you are Casper that owns the fancy Casper’s, and that's where Momma works?” He shrugs, I nod, and Macen tells him yes. “In a way, but my name is Caspian, not Casper.”

  “Okay, but you are friends as well?”

  “Yes, we are,” I tell him, smiling at him, then Macen.

  He finishes his supper, then says goodnight as Macen takes him to bed.

  “I won't be too long if you want to stay for a little bit?”

  Of course I want to stay. “Yes, I'll be right here.”

  I finish the cookies, then decide to take the dishes into the kitchen and clean up a little. I sense Macen behind me, and I turn my head as she approaches me. “Hey, you didn't need to do the dishes.”

  I shrug. “I was just waiting for you and thought I'd make myself useful.” I finish the last dish and turn to face her. She's still standing behind me, and I pull her to me. She puts her arms up in front so I can't pull her into my chest tightly, trying to keep a bit of distance. “Is this okay, Mace? Are we okay?” She smiles and nods. “How have you really been, Mace? I mean with the Reid stuff? Anything else happened? Is your head okay, now?”

  She nods and looks up at me. “To be honest, the shopping trip was my first time out since coming back from the hospital, and I only did that because of your driver. If I’d had to walk or get the subway, I wouldn't have gone. Thank you for that.”

  I frown at her. “What about taking Dixon to school and picking him up?”

  “Grandma has been doing it,” she replies as she moves out of my grasp and goes to make us more coffee.

  She tells me about the incidents on the way to school, and I'm so mad. Mad because she couldn't tell me before because I didn't know about Dixon, and livid that he would even speak to a kid and then threaten him if we continued. “I'm fuming, Macen. We need to see if the police have got him yet. I don't feel like it's safe for any of us with him still out there. Fuck, how could I not see how unstable he was when he started working at Casper's?”

  We're sitting on the couch, next to each other. She puts her coffee on the table and holds my hand. “Please don't be angry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Dixon. I would have told you if you asked me, but I just wasn't forthcoming with the information because, well, because I wanted to prove I could still do the job even as a single mom. We single moms get a bad rep sometimes, Caspian. People think we cant do a job because we are parents. I needed to prove to you I could still do the job.”

  She hangs her head as though in shame, and I lift her chin with my finger so she looks me in the eyes. “You're right, Macen. I probably wouldn't have given you the job, and I know that is terrible. I need people who are committed, and I wouldn't have thought you could be committed with a kid. You've proven me wrong so far, and I'm ashamed for being one of those people.”

  She smiles at me. “I can commit Caspian, but Dixon comes first and always will. People assume single moms got pregnant on purpose or we are whores, but no one ever stops to think it could be something completely different.”

  I get the feeling this is bad and that this is why she has frozen on me? I lean in and kiss her on the lips. “I'm sorry that's how you are categorized, Macen, and I'm sorry I’m one of those people that has pigeonho
led single mommas. I feel ashamed.”

  I kiss her again, and deepen it this time, she opens up a little, and I take the plunge and insert my tongue. I love the taste of her. I pull her further into me, and she responds, but I’m wary of taking it too far. We do this for a while, just enjoying each other. I have butterflies, and yes, I’m rock hard again, but she hasn’t felt that. The last couple of times she did, that's when she froze. We break apart and talk a little. She was fine with the kissing, and I want to test my theory. I lean in again and kiss her, and this time I really go to town, deepening it. She responds with no problems. I then turn more into her, lean her back on the couch and press myself into her side, still kissing. She feels my cock, and that’s it, she freezes. I was right. This is something much deeper. She’s into me as much as I’m into her, but she has a deep fear. I stop, pull her upright, and cuddle her into my side, waiting for her to come back to me. She can’t bolt this time. All she can do is kick me out. I hope she doesn’t. I would like her to confide in me.

  Macen

  I'M ON MY couch with Caspian when I freeze again at feeling his hardness against my ribs. He knew as soon as it happened, and he pulled me up and into his side. The flashback was more vivid than the last one. This time it was as though he was there on top of me again, then the words, ‘Leave, bitch,’ ricocheted through my memory. I've blocked that out for all these years, but now I remember he was close to my ear when he gritted out those words. “Leave, bitch,” I whisper to myself. Why is that now bothering me, and why is it familiar?

  Caspian moves slightly so he can look at me. I don't think he’s realized I’m not still in my memory. He furrows his brows at me. “Do you want me to leave?” he asks me quietly. He wipes my cheeks as I have tears streaming down my face. I shake my head, no. If he's still here, it's because he wants to be. He's seen me do this a few times now, and he's never bolted. He knows there is something wrong, and he’s said he will always be there to listen.