Grandma said I should talk to him — that it would help him understand that he isn't the problem — and decide if this is what he wants, so I need to tell him. I take a deep breath, and I tell him everything about that night, including the end result — Dixon.
He doesn't speak for a minute. He just gently takes hold of me and places me on his lap. I go rigid in case I feel him hard, but I don’t, so I relax. He just holds me tight to him, resting my cheek on his chest. I have a hand on his pec, and I rub gently — he’s mirroring the action on my back. “Caspian, I understand if this is too much for you. I already don't understand the attraction you say you have to me, but please, don't pursue this if you can't handle it.”
He leans back to look me in the face. “Oh, god, Macen. I'm not going anywhere, baby. I'm just trying to process everything you’ve just told me.”
He kisses the top of my head. “You know, as bad and as traumatic as the whole thing was, I got Dixon out of it. I got my chance to be a momma, and he is the most amazing little boy.” Caspian nods his head at me and smiles in agreement. I haven't told him yet that the chances of me having any more children are almost impossible, but I have to tell him now. He needs to know.
Caspian lifts me off his lap and places me back on the couch. He kisses the top of my head then heads to the bathroom. He hasn't spoken since I told him about maybe not being able to have children. He went white as a ghost, then got up. I think I may have just ruined everything, but I had to be honest. If he desperately wants children of his own, then he needs a woman who can give them to him. Not one that may never be able to do that. I'm not sorry I've told him any of it. I love him, the way he is with me, and the way he was with Dixon earlier, and he will make a great poppa to someone one day. I stay where I am, but curl up into a ball on the couch, silently crying to myself. He's been a while now, but I want to give him time to process. This has been one of the hardest days. I don't know if I'm glad Grandma is staying with her friend Marjorie tonight or if I wish she were here to comfort me after Caspian leaves. I know I will be a mess once he’s gone. I just hope this hasn’t jeopardized my job at Casper’s.
I must have fallen asleep while waiting for Caspian. I don’t remember coming to bed, yet I’m in bed, still in my clothes. I look at the time. It’s 2.15 a.m. The only person who could have put me to bed is Caspian, although how he managed to carry me, I have no idea. I feel a little lost and upset. He left, and I wonder if that says it all. My throat is dry. I need some water.
I pad down the hallway to the kitchen, and I jump out of my skin and squeal when I see Caspian sat at the island with a coffee cup in his hands. “Oh my god, you scared the crap out of me,” I say, trying to be quiet so I don't wake Dixon.
He turns to me and gives me a weak smile. “Sorry.”
I can't believe he’s still here at this time and he's wide-awake. I get a glass and get some cold water out of the fridge, and I sit opposite him. “Thank you for putting me into bed…” He nods but doesn't look at me. This isn't good. He won’t look at me. He’s sullen. This is it. He’s going to tell me he’s leaving. He can’t do this. I try to make a joke. “How on earth did you manage to lift me?” But it doesn't work.
He finally looks up at me, but he doesn't smile. He just stares at me. Funnily, it isn't making me uncomfortable. It's like he's trying to read me — trying to gage me. “How are you so damn strong, Macen? How do you go on? I mean, with all the shit that’s happened to you and now all this shit with Reid? It's so fucking unfair all this crap is landing on you. You don’t deserve any of it. It makes me so fucking angry.”
He looks really hurt, and it looks like he might have been crying. “Caspian, hey, are you okay?”
He looks at me and huffs out a shallow laugh. “You're asking me if I'm okay — as though I'm the one that's had all this shit for years? You fucking amaze me, baby. I’m in awe of you.” I thought he was going to leave me. “Come here,” he says.
I get up and go around to his side of the island. He lifts me very easily and puts me on his knee. “See, that's how I put you to bed — you’re very light.” He’s trying to lighten the situation. He put’s his forehead on mine and just stares into my eyes.
I lean back and scowl at him. “Yeah, right, have you seen my ass?”
He laughs a proper laugh now. “Oh yes, baby. I most certainly have, and it's a mighty fine ass may I add.”
I blush, and we sit there in silence for a while just comforting each other.
I look him in the face. “So now you know all my demons and secrets. I wouldn't blame you for walking away, you know. It’s a lot to handle. I’m damaged, Caspian.”
He scowls at me. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I lean back to examine his face. He's angry and serious. “Macen, I'm not going anywhere.”
“But do you want to be with someone that may never have your children? Someone who is terrified of being intimate? Someone with so many demons?”
He sighs. “Come on, let's go to the couch. You told me your demons — I need to tell you mine.”
It’s 4.30 a.m., and we’re still on the couch. He’s told me all about his childhood, about meeting his poppa and the revelations about his momma. I crawl onto his lap, and I hug his head to my chest. We're a pair together with our issues. Although he doesn't remember his assault, as he was so young, it’s no less devastating.
The dreams he's been having recently since finding out have been getting more and more vivid and he thinks he's remembering the attack. We sit and just hold each other for a while until I lean back. “Caspian, you need to think about what I have told you. If having a family is something you've always dreamed of, then you need to find someone that can make that dream come true for you.”
He scowls at me, and then he kisses my lips. “I already have, Mace.”
I shake my head, no. “I can't give you a family, Caspian?” I hang my head.
He tilts my chin up to face him. “You already have. You are a ready-made family. I already adore Dixon, and Doris for that matter. There’s still a small chance you could have a baby, or there is always adoption. Dixon is the cutest kid I have ever known. I would adopt him in a heartbeat if you agreed. I lived it, Mace. I lived, waiting every day for would-be parents to come in and just pick me. I know what it's like for those kids in homes. I would adopt anyway, even if you could have babies.”
I smile at him. “We’re not even dating, but we’re talking about having babies and adoption. I think we're jumping the gun a bit here, Caspian, don't you?”
He shakes his head, no, and leans in to kiss me. “When you know — you know. It’s like a light bulb goes off in your head, and it says ‘she’s the one’.”
I smile and cuddle into him.
We must have fallen asleep on the couch together, and I wake with the feeling of someone watching me. I bolt upright in fright, which in turn wakes Caspian up, and he shoots up. “Momma, how come you were asleep on the couch with Casp?”
Dixon, God he gave me a fright. “Oh, hey, sweetie, I guess we must have fallen asleep. We were up late, talking.”
He shrugs. “Hey, Casp,” he says as though it's normal to see him here. “Can we have breakfast now, Momma, I'm starving. Can we have pancakes? It's the weekend, and we have pancakes at the weekend?”
I nod and smile at him. “Yes, we can. Do you want pancakes, Caspian?”
He's rubbing his eyes and yawning. He looks from Dixon to me. “I would love some pancakes. Yes, please.”
I show Caspian to my bedroom so he can use the shower to freshen up. “I'll go and make pancakes, be ready in about ten minutes, that okay?”
He nods, but just as I start to walk away after giving him fresh towels, he grabs me by the wrist and pulls me to him. “Since coming back from Vegas last week, there hasn't been a night that I didn't have a bad dream and wake up in a sweat until last night with you in my arms. Thank you.”
He kisses my nose, and then my lips. I smile at him, then turn him to the bath
room.
“Ten minutes,” I tell him with a smile.
“Momma, it’s not raining today. Can we go to the park, pleeease? Can Casp come too?” He chokes on his coffee, not expecting that. I don’t think he will want to come, so I make up the excuse for him. “Oh, I don't know if Caspian can come. He's very busy with his restaurant, and he might not have time for the park, but we can go?”
He beams at me, then looks at Caspian, who is wiping the dribbled coffee from his mouth.
I, on the other hand, go on an internal panic. How do I go to the park just the two of us and not go into a panic that Reid might be around?
Caspian is studying my face. He sees it. He sees the turmoil I'm in. “I can go to the park with you, Dixon. I'm not in work until tonight. Do you have a football or a baseball and glove?”
I let out my breath. He side-eyes me as he's talking to Dix, and sees as I put my hand on my chest with relief.
He looks concerned, but I nod to say I'm good. “Come on, Dixon, let's get you dressed then we can head to the park. Momma is working later on, then it's party time tomorrow, and going to see all those dinosaurs. Roar.” I chase him out of the room looking like a T-Rex roaring at him. This is one of our games. I turn to glance at Caspian, and he’s laughing as he clears up the dishes. He catches me looking and winks at me. If only he knew what that wink did to me. I melt every time.
Caspian
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’m walking to a park to play with Dixon and spend more time with Macen. It’s like we are in a feel-good movie — parents, walking along with their kid, both holding his hand.
Dixon took my hand at the same time as he took Macen’s, and I just looked down in awe at him. He’s taken to me as though he’s known me all his life —not like he just met me yesterday. It’s a dry, crisp day — great for playing in the park. I have never done this before, and I feel like a five-year-old, all giddy about it.
Macen stops on the spot. I see the terror on her face, and I know that look by now. I scan the area around us, looking for him, as I pull out my cell, rotating on my heels, looking for any sign of him. I need to call the police and see what's going on. I need to know if they have hauled him in yet and if so, why is he here now.
Although I can't see him, I know from Macen’s reaction that he’s close by, watching us. If I see him, I swear to god I will go for him. I walk away slightly so Dixon can't hear me on the phone. I ask for an update on the case, but as I suspected, they won't speak to me because I have nothing to do with it. It was Macen he attacked. My attacker is unknown with no witnesses.
“Mace, can you please speak on the cell and ask for an update on Reid? They won't tell me, as it's not my case?” I shrug and hand the cell to her, and then I take Dixon's hand and walk on a few paces so he doesn't hear the conversation. I watch her carefully while trying to distract Dixon and scan the area around us.
I see her nodding, then speaking, but I don't know what she's saying. She finishes up, and we are just about to enter the park when I spot him. I take off, running in his direction. The look on his face is one of pure evil as he sees me, and takes off, running in the opposite direction. I almost don't want to catch him because I'm scared to death that if I start on him, I won't be able to stop, and that won't do Macen or Dixon any good.
Reid runs and darts between cars as he runs across 5th Avenue then down E 71st Street. I don’t cross 5th Avenue, and I stop opposite E 71st, but I don’t see him anymore. He’s gone. I hope he stays gone.
Back with Macen, I take her in my arms, and she clings to me. Dixon looks at us. “Are you my momma's boyfriend, Casp?” I laugh down at him and ruffle his hair, looking at Macen and seeing that she's smiling, and in my happiness, I completely forget to ask Macen what the police said.
“Come on. Dixon, race you,” I say, starting to sprint into the park. I don't leave Macen behind. I make sure she's holding my hand, running with us. We have a great morning, playing, getting ice cream for Dixon and coffee for us, going to see the ducks on the lake and watching turtles coming to the surface for the bread some older kids are throwing in. This kid is so infectious. He makes me so happy.
We head back to Macen’s. I carry Dixon part of the way — he's worn out and sleeps on my shoulder. Macen is linking me as we stroll home. Home: God, I wish this were my life. I’ve had a snippet of what my life could be like, and I want it. I want it desperately with Macen. I know we have stuff to sort through first, but I have to let her know how I feel. I don't care about how it could impact Casper's at this point — screw the head versus heart decision, I want both, and I want Macen at my side doing both.
“I haven't told you why I was in Vegas, have I?”
She looks at me and shakes her head, no. “You don't have to tell me your business, Caspian.”
“I know I don’t, Mace, but I want to.” She gives me a great big smile.
“I'm buying a restaurant there, instead of Canada?”
That gets her attention. “Seriously? Wow, that's amazing. You will do so well in Vegas. Where will it be? Will you move there? What about LA? What about England and…” “Macen, I will tell you it all. I will tell you everything about my business.” I stop and turn to her, still with Dixon asleep in my arms. “Macen, I want this. I want you. I want Dixon. I want you in my life. I know two weeks is nothing, but I knew the moment I laid eyes on you again that I was in trouble. Macen, I'm in love with you.”
She gasps and puts her hand to her mouth. I see tears fall out of the corner of her eyes. “You okay, Mace? I'm sorry to just blurt it out, but I've never been one to hold what I think inside as you may have gathered.”
She smiles at me, and nods, wiping at her eyes. “I've fallen hard for you, Caspian. I just never ever imagined someone like you would even look at a plain Jane like me.”
I scowl at her. Plain is not how I see her. We need words about this but not right now. We need to get home.
I leave Mace and Dixon and head back to my place to get changed and then into work. She will be in later, and to make sure she gets here safely, my driver is picking her up and bringing her to work. I'm in such a good mood that my employees are going to think I'm sick or something. I can't believe the way my life has changed since she came into it.
I also need to talk to my poppa. Macen suggested calling him and asking him to come and visit. She thinks it would be good for me and she said she understood that he had to sort his life out. She said he tried to give me the chance to have a better life rather than being dragged up with a homeless alcoholic and drug user, and what she says makes sense, so I leave a message on my poppa’s phone to ask him to ring me back so we can talk.
I’m in my office, doing paperwork and catching up from not being in yesterday when my door flies open, and Reid comes storming in. Is he out of his fucking mind?
“Get the fuck out of my restaurant. I told you never to set foot in it again.”
He comes towards my desk, and I stand up tall to intimidate him, staying on my side of the desk. If I walk around to meet him, I’m likely to lay into him and not stop. I want to kill this bastard so badly but and I’m trying to think of Macen and Dixon and not get into trouble myself.
“You have three seconds to leave, Reid.” I pick up my cell and dial 911. “Can you send a car to Casper’s on 5th Avenue? I have an intruder in the kitchen by the name of Reid Hughes who refuses to leave. I believe Mr. Hughes attacked me yesterday in Central Park, and I fear for my life. He is also stalking my girlfriend, Macen Donald, and you have a warrant out for his arrest.”
He raises an eyebrow at me and smirks. “By the time they get here, I could do plenty of damage and be long gone,” he sneers at me.
“What do you want, Reid? Don't you think you've done enough? You attacked me. I know it was you. I can't prove it yet although an eyewitness has come forward, so you’re on borrowed time, and you attacked Macen too. That can be proven from the scratches I see on your hands and the DNA they took from her nails.”
He glares at me. “I told you to stay away from her. That's why I did it — you both need to know I'm serious. We have something together, and you're not having her. Leave her the fuck alone, or you will both regret it," he spits at me before turning to leave.
Two minutes later, the police arrive, and I show them the CCTV footage and tell them what he's said. He's threatened both Macen and my lives. They told me, yes, there is a warrant for his arrest, but each time they have gone to his address, he hasn’t been home.
Great, Macen is going to freak at this.
A little while later, there's a knock on my door. I’d asked Tobias to send Macen to me once she arrived.
“Come in,” I shout. Macen comes in, smiling at me. I get up and walk around the desk to greet her. She shuts the door, and I take her mouth with mine, deepening the kiss before we both realize what’s happening and where we are, and she breaks away from me. “Sorry, I needed that and couldn't help myself.”
She smiles. “Yes, but at work, we need boundaries. We still have a lot to discuss, Caspian. There isn't just me in this relationship. As you know, I'm a package.”
I beam at her. “I'm fully aware of that now, thank you, and I want the whole package. Doris as well.” She smiles. “Wait, does that mean I’m now your boyfriend?”
She laughs at me and swats my chest.
I take her hand and lead her to the chair to sit. I stand in front of her, resting on the desk. “Okay, there's no easy way to say this, but Reid came storming in here earlier.”
She looks shocked and panicked, scanning me for injuries. “What did he do? What did he say? What did he want?”
I take her face and kiss her gently. “He was warning me away from you again. He didn't do anything, and I didn't touch him, although I wanted to fucking kill him.”
I tell her what he said and about the police arriving, and she nods in agreement when I say they couldn’t find him. She looks worried. “Why does he keep saying I'm his and we have something together? I've never met him before, Caspian.”
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