by Billy Taylor
“That’s ok,” I said. “So tell me about your parents?”
“My mum works in a library, and my dad is a policeman.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Don’t think inviting me around for dinner with your dad would be fun.”
“Yeah, a lot of people find him a bit intimidating.”
“And what about your mum? Is she a mean old librarian?” I asked.
“Na, my mum is lovely. If you met my parents, you wouldn’t believe they were a couple. They’re just completely different people.”
“Opposites attract,” I said. “Well, in magnetic cases anyway.”
She smirked and then submerged underneath the large quantity of bubbles. She returned ten seconds later, her face covered in bubbles, giving her a bubble beard. I laughed and told her about the bubble formation on her face then said, “I’m going to get changed. I want to look nice for Autumn.”
I’ve visited the museum before, but it was a couple of years ago, so I was expecting its appearance to have changed slightly. And the museum was as grand as I remembered it when we parked the car. I had forgotten how huge it was. The car park was at the back of it so we had a nice walk around to the front entrance through a lovely garden. Everything was so precise and bright coloured. My mum would be proud of the job they had done here.
Ted wouldn’t let me admire the garden though. He kept dragging me towards the entrance. He was a bit eager as you can imagine.
“You’re not allowed to say anything apart from hello, ok?” Ted said with a very serious face.
“Hello,” I replied.
“Excellent.”
“Look how magnificent this entrance is—” I started to say.
“What did I just say?” Ted whispered in an angry tone.
“I’m sorry.”
So we walked through the magnificent entrance that I was unable to comment on, and then we passed a couple of security guards who were checking people who were carrying bags. But we didn’t have any so we went straight through.
The museum wasn’t as busy as I expected. I mean, it would be closing soon-ish, but I still expected it to have a larger quantity of people wandering around. Maybe it’s because it was a Sunday. Ted walked up to the reception desk, leaving me, and started having a friendly conversation with a young man behind it.
I walked over and stood beside him and said, “Hello.”
“Here,” Ted said, passing me a lanyard. “That’s your tour pass, so don’t lose it.”
“Hello,” I said quietly back to him. He shook his head, unamused. I followed Ted as he joined a queue of people standing behind a sign that said WAIT HERE.
“I’m nervous,” Ted said.
“Hello,” I replied.
His eyes beamed onto me.
“Why are you nervous?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t speak to her when I phoned up and booked our place on the tour. She isn’t expecting us.”
“So how do you know she is here?”
“Because there isn’t anybody else to do the tour I think, and I also asked if she was taking it just to be sure.”
“Ok.”
“There she is,” Ted said, his face looking like a prince in a fairytale when he sees the princess for the first time. I had my back to where he was facing so I had to turn around to view Autumn. I was actually really anxious. Ted and Zac had built Autumn up so much. So here is what I was thinking, Right, turn around, one step, and another and anothe—holy bloody shit.
Ted shuffled beside me and nudged me with his hand. “I know right?” he said. That was it. He didn’t say anything else.
Ted and Zac hadn’t exaggerated her appearance at all. If anything, they had under-exaggerated her appearance. She wasn’t beautiful. Beautiful is the top complimentary word of a girl. And that word is reserved for Zac. Autumn was stunning. Maybe that’s still too good. Zac would get mad at me if I said that even though she’s not my girlfriend. I can just picture the patient look she would be giving me if she were here and asking me what I thought of Autumn. I think if I had to name that face it would be “Go on, I dare you to say she’s beautiful so I can kick the shit out of you.” I think that suits the face I am picturing nicely.
I’ll use handsome. Autumn was very, very, very handsome. Ted and she shared a look but didn’t exchange conversation. Autumn walked past us and up to the front of the queue and began the tour.
I didn’t need to go on the tour. Ted and Zac had already repeated the description of the displays and exactly what Autumn says at each one. And when I say exactly, I mean it. I almost started laughing at one point because I remember Zac reenacting one point where she’s describing this statue of some dude with his balls out. And she said whatever it is Autumn said, and then she pauses, and she replicated the face Autumn made as she paused, too, and I don’t know, it doesn’t make much sense, but I found it hilarious. And I started coughing from trying to prevent myself from laughing. Ted was repetitively nudging me to stop it.
We then stayed behind for a moment and Ted showed me the pirate gun in the large glass display case. “If you were going to hide a clue to a secret pirate treasure in a gun. Where would you hide it?” he asked.
“In the barrel,” I answered. Ted’s eyes lit up. He was at the side farthest away from the barrel. I stepped to the side of the display case with the barrel closest to it. I crouched and shut one eye and peered down the barrel.
“Oh my God,” I said. “You’re not going to believe this.”
“What?!” he squeaked. He rushed to my side and pushed me away and replicated my actions. “I don’t see anything,” he said.
“That’s because I was joking,” I replied.
His head slowly turned to me and he looked so angry. “Do you realise how excited I was for ten seconds then?” he said.
“If they’re going to hide a secret clue in a secret gun that leads to a secret treasure, they’re not going to make the clue so obvious to see, are they?”
Ted lifted himself and then we left the glass display with the pirate gun in to rejoin the tour. It didn’t go on for much longer, and Autumn was talking about soap from the Victorian times. It was very boring. She wasn’t boring. But the soap was boring. Ted obviously couldn’t take his eyes off her, and he would remind me to pay attention every few minutes.
Once the tour had finished, Autumn was bombarded by people from the tour asking her extra questions. So Ted and I sat down on a bench in the main entranceway and waited for her. She’d noticed Ted so we assumed she would come over and say hello afterwards. But once she’d answered everyone’s questions, she disappeared back into the museum. But Ted and I continued to wait for a few more minutes. The museum was due to close in five minutes so we figured she would leave then and we could catch her.
“I need to pee so bad,” Ted said, fidgeting next to me.
“Go pee then.”
“But what if she comes and I’m peeing?”
“But what if she comes and you’re stood there fidgeting like a weirdo.”
“Excellent point, I’m going to go pee. If you see her stall for me, please.”
“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ve got your back.”
Ted rushed to the nearest bathroom, leaving me sitting in the entranceway of the museum. And then I started to hear the sound of high heels gradually become louder and closer. And then Autumn appeared from one of the corridors, and I thought I was going to panic, but I remained surprisingly calm. She noticed me after she’d visited the reception desk and walked over.
“Hello,” I said, following Ted’s orders.
“Hi,” she replied. “So are you Ted’s friend or brother or boyfriend?”
Don’t make jokes about being in a relationship with him. Don’t make jokes about being in a relationship with him. I repeated to myself. “We’ve been best buds since we played with our dinosaurs in the sandpit when we were four. I’m Will.”
She smirked. “How cute. It’s nice
to meet you, Will, I’m Autumn.” We shook hands and then she asked, “Where is Ted?”
“I’m not sure. He told me to wait here for him.” I thought it would be better to say that instead of he went to pee.
“Right,” she said. And I could sense either one of two things were going to happen. 1) There would be an awkward silence as we waited for Ted. Or 2) she was going to leave and tell me to tell Ted that she had to go. So I decided I would boldly act to help my friend out.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed after his third visit in three days, and bringing two friends on your tour. But he really likes you, a lot. I didn’t need to take your tour because he’d told me every single detail about it. And every single detail about you. And Ted is normally always full of confidence and shows no sign of embarrassment, but he seems to be struggling a little when it comes to you. So, like a kid would do at school to cause embarrassment and denial, I would like to ask you out for my friend.” Her face went blank and then she looked out of the corner of her eye, and I looked out the corner of mine to see Ted was walking over.
Autumn’s eyes and mine met. “Is this the part where you tell me you’re already in a happy relationship?” I whispered.
But before she could answer, Ted had rejoined us.
“Hey, guys, I see you’ve met.”
“Hello,” I replied. His eyes flicked over to me for a moment and he dead-eyed me before returning his sight to Autumn.
“Yes, we have,” she said. “You have my number, don’t you, Ted?” she asked straight after.
“Yes, I do,” he replied.
“I have to go now, but you should text or call me sometime. I’ll buy you dinner. I think that would only be fair since I did hit you in the face.” Her eyes glanced over to me and then back to Ted.
“Ok,” he said, completely taken by surprise.
“Cool. I’ll see you later. It was nice to meet you, Will.”
“You too, Autumn,” I replied.
Ted and I watched her leave and then he grinned and starting nodding for a few seconds. And then he stopped and said, “I love you,” to me.
I paused and soaked it in before saying, “I know.”
February 24th
“Hello.”
“Hi. It’s Zac. How are you?”
“You don’t have to identify yourself every time you call, you know. I have your number saved. I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m ok.…”
“Good.”
“I was calling to see if it would be ok to come with you this weekend?”
“To meet my mum and Rosie?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, of course that’s ok. I’ll let them know that you will be joining us.”
“Ok. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. What are you doing right now?”
“I’m just in my bedroom. What are you doing?”
“I’m in my bedroom, too.”
“I was thinking…”
“Yes?”
“Natalie is away Friday.”
“Ok?”
“You could stay with me and then we could go to see your mum and Rosie the day after. Since my place is kinda closer.”
“Ok, yeah. Sounds good.”
“Come at seven?”
“I’ll see you Friday at seven.”
“Ok… so what are you doing?”
“We just asked this ten seconds ago. I’m in my bedroom…”
“Ok…”
“Are you ok?”
“Yes…”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes… I was just seeing if you were busy.”
“Hold on. Are you booty calling me?”
“Erm…”
“You are! This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I don’t know how to feel.”
“Ok. So what are you doing?”
“I’m in my bedroom for the third time.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m afraid I don’t. You’re going to have to tell me.”
“Are you… Are you coming over?”
“Hmm.”
“Ok, never mind.”
“I’m kidding. I’ll come over. Do you want to come back to mine or are we staying there?”
“It’s up to you. Natalie isn’t here right now. I think she might be staying at some guy’s house.”
“Ok. I’ll see you soon.”
“Ok.”
She hung up and then I hopped off my bed to get changed. I called my mum as I did to make sure that it was ok that Zac came Saturday, too.
“Hello, love. How are you?”
“I’m fine, Mum. How are you? Are you and Rosie enjoying your trip at the coast?”
“I’m good. We’re having a lovely time. It’s not very warm. The sun is out, but the wind is still cold. We’re sat in a pub now having a drink.”
“Sounds delightful. I quickly wanted to call you to see if it would be ok if Zac joined us for dinner Saturday?”
“Of course she can come.”
“Ok, good, because I told her she could.”
“I figured you would have.”
“I was wondering if you and Rosie could speak to her? She…ugh…”
“She’s not pregnant, is she?”
“No, she isn’t pregnant! She…ugh…”
“C’mon, Will, spit it out. I don’t have all evening.”
“Zac is going through a difficult time at the moment. She is going through something similar to what Rosie went through. I didn’t know if you could help at all.”
“Do you know how long or how bad it is? Is she forcing herself to be sick at all?”
“She’s spent a fair amount of time with me and I haven’t seen or heard her throwing up. She just doesn’t eat a lot or at all. She has a bite out of each slice of my toast on a Sunday, and then that’s all she may eat that day. But that’s one day. And I don’t know exactly how long, but I think it has been a few months. I care about her that’s all and want to try to help.”
“Ok, love. Rosie and I will talk to her Saturday.”
“Thanks, Mum. I love you and we’ll see you Saturday.”
“I love you, too.”
“Bye.”
“Will’s girlfriend is coming Saturday.”
“Mum, hang up the phone. And she isn’t my girlfriend.”
“I hope he doesn’t bring home a girl who is exactly like me. Apparently some boys do that, they find a girl identical to their mum.”
“Mum, hang up the phone!”
“Can you remember the first girl he brought home? Becky or Betty. She was hilarious.”
“Oh, for the love of god! Mum! Mum!”
“Hello?”
“Zac isn’t my girlfriend and she is nothing like you and her name was Bethany, and I was fifteen, now hang up the phone.”
“Ok. Here, speak to Rosie, you haven’t spoken to her properly since she got back.”
“Ok.”
“Hey, bro.”
“Hey, Rosie. How are you?”
“I’m good. We were just talking about your new girlfriend and old girlfriend.”
“I know, I heard.”
“Aha, you admitted it!”
“Rosie, if I had a girlfriend, do you not think I would tell you? If I had a girlfriend, I’d make sure everyone knew. I get teased enough for being single.”
“Oh, I am going to have so much fun when I meet her Saturday.”
“Ok. I’ll see you then. Love you. Make sure you hang up the phone this time.”
“Love you too. I shall. Bye.”
Ted was sitting on his sofa as I came out of my bedroom. He was holding a mug and had a disturbing smile on his face already poised.
“Are you being booty called?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, sitting on my sofa and putting on my shoes.
“Ah. So where are you going at 9:12 p.m. on a Tuesday, Will?”
“To Zac’s,” I answered.
“So you’re
being booty called.”
“No,” I replied, opening the apartment door.
“Have fun. Behave yourself.”
“I will.”
February 25th
“Have you spoken to Autumn since Sunday?” I asked Ted as we sat in our office. He didn’t reply so I threw a pen onto his desk.
“What?” he asked.
“Have you spoken to Autumn since Sunday?” I asked again.
“Oh, yeah. We’ve texted a few times.” He seemed relaxed about it. Which was not his normal emotion when Autumn was mentioned.
I paused and waited to see if he had anything else to say, but he didn’t say anything. “So, what is she saying?” I asked.
“Not much. We’re chatting,” he replied.
“Is it going well? Do you think you’ll be seeing her anytime soon?”
He shrugged. “I dunno.”
I frowned. “Why are you acting so odd? Normally you’re like an ecstatic schoolchild whenever her name is mentioned.”
“I’m trying to keep my cool. I don’t want to scare her off. So I’m in play it cool phase.”
“Ok. Let me know how it goes.”
“I will. Don’t worry.”
“I’m staying at Zac’s Friday night, by the way, and then we’re going to see my mum and Rosie Saturday.”
“Can I come and see Rosie, too?” he asked.
“No, you can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because Zac and I are going to see them. I’ll take you to see them another time. Or just ask Rosie out, and then you can be turned down for the thousandth time.”
“I only asked her out seven times,” Ted corrected.
“And how many times did she go out with you?”
“Zero, but that was before she went to America, and I was still at school.”
“You hadn’t hit puberty either. You were ugly as hell.”
He chuckled before saying, “I’ll pay her a visit soon. Get her some flowers, make a scene, pour my heart out. I’m sure that will work.”
“She’s never going to go out with you, and I would normally convince you otherwise to not do it, but it’ll be funny hearing that you failed again.”
February 27th
I asked Ted if he needed the car at all on Friday and Saturday, and he said no, he was only staying in the apartment. We left work, earlier than usual, and went to eat a cheeseburger. We’d been craving one all day so we drove to the nearest burger place and got seated in a booth. We had a delicious cheeseburger with fries each and found ourselves in cheeseburger paradise.