Fortunately, Mr Brandon did not seem displeased with her appearance. In fact, Helen was quite sure she saw a flicker of admiration in his eyes, and she took comfort in the knowledge that she was not an embarrassment to him. Why she should worry about what Oliver Brandon thought of her, she would not even allow herself to consider.
'Have you visited Castle Ashby before, Miss de Coverdale?' Oliver enquired as they slowly walked the length of the picture gallery.
Helen shook her head. 'I have not had the pleasure, sir. I've often thought it would be a splendid house to see, but there is seldom a carriage available to bring us this distance, and I would not undertake a journey like this on my own.'
'Then I hope you see all you wish to today so that you can remember it long after you have returned to Guarding's.'
Helen risked a quick glance at him as he stopped to admire a particularly fine painting of the current Marquis's father. She wished she could bring herself to feel more at ease in his company, but something about him made her feel gauche and tongue-tied. Which was silly, given that he had done nothing but try to make her feel at ease ever since they had left the school.
'It was very good of you to allow me to come today, Mr Brandon,' Helen said, feeling it was the least she could do. 'I cannot help but feel that I have intruded on a family outing.'
'On the contrary, you have spared me the tedium of having to listen to the unending chatter of two excitable young girls.' A wry but indulgent glint appeared in Oliver's eyes. 'You offer far more interesting and intelligent comments about the paintings and their artists than I would have heard otherwise, Miss de Coverdale, and I confess myself impressed by the depth of your knowledge.'
His candid answer brought a smile to Helen's lips. 'I would be a poor teacher indeed if I did not know more about my subject than my pupils. But I own, it is a pleasure to talk to someone who is truly interested in the subject, rather than to a group of girls who learn it because they know they must.'
'I can understand your feeling that way. When I was at school, there were many subjects I learned because I had to rather than because I wished to. I suppose it is the nature of education.' Oliver hesitated, and then gruffly cleared his throat. 'I am also pleased you agreed to come today, because I was not sure you would wish to be in my company again, given the nature of our last conversation.'
Helen purposely fixed her gaze on the painting in front of her. So he too had suffered doubts as a result of that meeting. She was glad, and even a little relieved. Mayhaps Oliver Brandon was not as narrow-minded as she had come to believe.
'I do not recall there being anything in our speech to make you feel that way,' she replied. 'A misunderstanding was laid to rest and the air cleared between us, but that is all, I think. We did not part in anger.'
'No, but I know I offended you, and I regret that very much,' Oliver said quietly. 'You were right to express your disappointment in my behaviour, for I can assure you I felt it most keenly myself.'
Helen raised her eyes to his and was momentarily shaken by the expression she saw within them. 'I...thank you for telling me, sir, but as I said before, what happened in the past is over and done with. Perhaps it would be best for both of us if that is where we left it.'
His gaze travelled over her face, touching briefly on her mouth, and then searching her eyes. 'You are a most admirable woman, Miss de Coverdale. I was wrong to think otherwise.'
Having no answer to give him, Helen merely inclined her head, and the two walked on in silence.
'Gillian seems to be settling well into her new environment,' Oliver commented when they had walked on some way.
Relieved that the conversation had taken a more neutral turn, Helen smiled. 'Yes, I believe her initial feelings of resistance have been overcome. The staff are all delighted with her progress and she is very popular with the girls, especially the younger ones.'
'I am glad to hear it.' Oliver clasped his hands behind his back and moved towards the next painting. 'In truth, I did not know if sending her to Mrs Guarding's Academy was the right thing to do. My sister, Sophie, suggested it. She spoke very highly of the school's reputation and of Mrs Guarding herself and it was she who convinced me of the wisdom of sending Gillian there.'
'To finish her education?' Helen couldn't resist asking.
Oliver slanted her a rueful glance. 'That, and to distance her from Mr Wymington.'
Helen bit her lip and looked away. Her feelings of guilt at having broken the rules and allowed a meeting to take place between Gillian and Mr Wymington were growing by the day, but she was still not convinced that Oliver Brandon's reasons for wishing to keep the two apart were entirely justified.
'Gillian seems to think you are being unfair in not allowing her to see Mr Wymington,' Helen said, deciding this might be a good time to find out. 'Is he really so unsuitable?'
'If you were to meet him you would not think so.' Oliver bent forward to study the detail on the painting in front of him. 'From outward appearances, he-is all that is charming.'
'Then why do you object to him?'
'Because I do not trust him. I do not believe for a moment that his intentions towards my ward are honourable.'
'You do not believe that he is in love with her?'
Oliver turned towards her and his burning eyes held her still. 'I believe it is her fortune to which he is most keenly attracted, Miss de Coverdale. I think he merely gives the impression of caring for Gillian in order to disguise his true intent.'
'That is a strong accusation to make without proof.'
Oliver shrugged. 'Perhaps, but how would you suggest I go about obtaining such proof? If I were to ask him the nature of his feelings, he would hardly be so foolish as to tell me something I did not wish to hear.'
'Do you not think you would be able to tell the difference between feigned affections and those which are genuine? Surely if Mr Wymington was only pretending to love Gillian, something in his voice or his manners would give him away.'
Oliver sighed. 'Even if that were the case, what good would it do me? Gillian is the one who must be convinced of his unsuitability, not I.'
'Mr Brandon, have you given any consideration to the possibility that what you are looking for simply isn't there?'
'I beg your pardon?'
Helen knew she was delving into matters that were, by all rights, none of her business, but given what was at stake, she felt she had the right to ask. She'd already begun to suspect that Oliver was correct about Mr Wymington's character, but she needed to know if his reservations stemmed from feelings of genuine mistrust, or from something more personal.
'Perhaps you can find nothing to object to in Mr Wymington's manner because there is nothing to object to.'
Oliver studied her in enigmatic silence for a moment. Then he said, 'Women put much stock in intuition, do they not, Miss de Coverdale?'
'Yes, I suppose we do.'
'Well, it may surprise you to hear it, but so do I. Mr Wymington has done absolutely nothing for which I can fault him,' he told her candidly. 'There are no marks against his service record, nor any man willing to speak out against him. And yet, something here,' Oliver pointed to the area just below his heart, 'tells me he is not to be trusted. I believe the words he speaks are not the sentiments of his heart, and I am afraid that if I allow Gillian to marry him, I would be making a most grievous mistake.' Oliver's mouth curved in a sad, almost wistful smile. 'Ours is not a perfect world, Miss de Coverdale. I doubt either of us is so foolish as to believe that the majority of marriages are made for love. And yet, in Gillian's case, I find myself hoping that the man who marries her will do so because he loves her, rather than because he has any less noble reasons at heart.'
A smile tugged reluctantly at Helen's mouth. 'Your confession is safe with me, Mr Brandon, but I do hope you are not wrong about Mr Wymington. Sometimes the biggest mistakes are made by those who have the best intentions of others at heart.'
His gaze held hers momentarily. 'You sound
like you speak from experience. Might I hazard a guess that something similar has happened in your life?'
'Oliver?' Gillian suddenly called from the bottom of the stairs, 'when are you and Miss de Coverdale coming down? Elizabeth and I are anxious to see the gardens.'
'We are coming now,' Oliver replied calmly. 'Go ahead and we shall meet you there.'
'Very well. But do not be long! There is so much to see, we would not wish to leave you behind.'
Helen carefully bit back a smile. At times it was hard to tell who had brought whom on the excursion today. In truth, however, she was not ungrateful for Gillian's interruption. Oliver's question had caught her off guard and she hadn't known what to say. She could no more imagine telling him about her own unhappy love affair than she could believe he would be interested in hearing about it. And yet, just for a moment, something in his eyes had reached out to her; almost making her want to talk about some of the secrets she had locked away so deeply in her heart.
They made their way back outside, and once there, Helen stopped to admire the beautiful countryside in front of her. 'How lovely it all is,' she whispered. 'I do not think I could ever grow tired of looking at such beauty.'
'The view is very fine to be sure,' Oliver agreed, 'though I feel I am the more fortunate one. From where I stand I have the benefit of two very different but equally lovely views.'
Helen was not of an age to pretend an ignorance of what he was saying, yet the softness of his voice and the genuine warmth with which he offered his compliment caused her to blush like a schoolgirl. 'You are too kind, Mr Brandon.'
'Kindness has very little to do with it, Miss de Coverdale. ' He indicated a bench where they might sit down. 'You are a remarkably beautiful woman, and I am sure I am not the first to tell you that. But come, enough of flattery. You said that something similar had happened in your life. Would you not be willing to tell me about it?'
Once again, Oliver's seemingly genuine desire to learn about her past put Helen in a definite quandary. What possible good could come of revealing intimate details of her life to him? There was certainly no romantic interest between them. It was not as though he needed to know things about her that might help determine her suitability to becoming his wife. So what interest could he possibly have in hearing about what had happened in her past?
Helen mulled that over for a while. As she did, however, she began to wonder whether divulging something about her own past might not help Gillian now. Perhaps by disclosing details of her own thwarted love, she might be better able to make him understand what she was trying to say. Was that not worth the embarrassment such a disclosure would bring about?
'It seems a long time ago now,' Helen began reluctantly. 'And indeed, it is in the measure of years. But I still remember how...difficult it was at the time.' She took a deep breath and then raised her eyes to his. 'When I was little more than Gillian's age, my father prevented me from...marrying the man I loved.'
Oliver's gaze remained steady on her face, but his eyes were suddenly filled with questions. 'I assume he had a good reason for doing so?'
'He believed he did. My father informed me that...the gentleman was beneath me in every way, and that I was foolish to have allowed my feelings to become engaged. He told me that as his daughter, I could do better than to marry a poor clergyman.'
'I see.' Oliver eyes were dark, the expression in them unreadable. 'And were you truly in love with your poor clergyman, Miss de Coverdale?'
There was no mockery in his voice, not even a hint of reprisal. Only a gentle note of concern that told her he was not unsympathetic to her plight. Nevertheless, Helen turned away, strangely uncomfortable at talking to Oliver about her involvement with another man. 'Yes, I loved him,' she admitted. 'Thomas was extremely dedicated to his calling, and to the people in his care. He had great hopes for the parish and for the work he wanted to do there.' Her smile grew unknowingly wistful. 'I believe his passion for his work and for other people was part of what I loved about him.'
'And do you love him still?'
Helen raised startled eyes to his. 'It was a very long time ago.'
'Perhaps, but I have heard that first loves are often the hardest to forget.'
He had heard. So Gillian was right. Oliver Brandon hadn't been in love, for if he had, he would surely have remembered the pains and the pleasures of his very first affaire de coeur.
'I suppose they are, but time changes many things.' Suddenly restless, Helen got to her feet. 'In the years that followed, my life went through many changes, none of which were particularly pleasant. My mother died, and after her death my father just seemed to give up. He lost all interest in life. He stopped going to work, and eventually began to drink. I suppose he did so to forget the pain, but it made life very difficult for those close to him. He died less than a year later. By that time, we had amassed such a staggering debt that it became necessary to sell the house just to cover the tradesmen's bills and the cost of the servants' wages.'
'Is that when you were forced to seek employment?'
Helen nodded, but did not look at him. 'I had no choice. I had no relatives in England with whom I could stay, and I had lost touch with my mother's family in Italy, so there was nothing I could do but look for a paying position.'
'What about your clergyman? What did he do when he learned of your troubles?'
Helen fixed her gaze on a distant field. 'He never did. Thomas married within six months of our parting. He moved to Derbyshire soon after and was given the living of a fine church there.'
'That must have come as a great disappointment to you.'
'Young men in the church are often ambitious, Mr Brandon. Thomas knew the Dean wished him to take a wife, and since it was not going to be me, he chose...someone else.'
'Pity he did not wait a little longer,' Oliver commented wryly. 'Had he done so, he would have been able to have both the woman he loved and the life he'd chosen for himself.'
Helen said nothing. There didn't seem to be any point in admitting that she had often wondered about the same thing herself. 'Sometimes it is best that we not know what is around the next corner. If we did, we might be tempted to spend our entire lives waiting for tomorrow to arrive.'
Oliver studied her face, and then reached out to gently brush his fingers against her cheek. 'Sometimes tomorrow is worth waiting for, Miss de Coverdale. We just have to be wise enough to realise it at the time.'
The touch of his hand and the softness in his voice were nearly Helen's undoing. She could not risk exposing any more of her vulnerabilities to him. It was too easy to get lost in the tenderness of his gaze. Too easy to read meanings into words that weren't there.
'Oliver, Miss de Coverdale, come quickly!' Gillian cried from further down the garden. 'We have found the most delightful gazebo hidden in the trees. Oh, do come and look!'
The intrusion of the high-pitched voice into her conversation with Oliver came as a relief to Helen. It shattered the mood of intimacy that had begun to form between them, and brought her abruptly back to earth. 'I think we had best rejoin the girls, Mr Brandon. No doubt they will be wondering at our constantly lagging behind.'
'I shouldn't worry about it,' Oliver said, nevertheless getting to his feet. 'They will put it down to our age, as young people are inclined to do.'
Helen smiled and would have walked on had she not felt the gentle pressure of his hand on her arm. 'Thank you for telling me about your young man, Miss de Coverdale. I know it was not an easy admission. But given the situation between Gillian and Mr Wymington, I can understand why you felt I needed to know.'
Helen looked down at his hand, aware of the warmth emanating from it, and gave him a regretful smile. 'It was not only because of Gillian's feelings for Mr Wymington I told you this, Mr Brandon, but because of her feelings for you.'
'I'm not sure I understand.'
Helen took a deep breath. 'After my father forbade me to see Thomas, my feelings towards him began to change. I could not u
nderstand why he would not allow me to see the man I loved, nor condone a relationship neither my mother nor I saw anything wrong with. But my father would not change his mind, and I resented him for that. Nor did I ever fully forgive him.'
'Is that what you see happening between Gillian and myself?'
'I cannot speak for your ward, sir, but the situations are not so very different. Gillian doesn't understand why you do not wish her to see Mr Wymington, any more than I understood why my father refused to allow me to see Thomas. But I fear that if you forbid the association Outright, there is a good chance she will come to feel the same kind of resentment towards you that I felt towards my father. And I would truly hate to see that happen. I know how much Gillian loves and respects you, but sometimes, in the foolishness of youth and the idealistic fantasies of love, young women lose sight of that.'
Oliver was silent for a few minutes. Then, he nodded. 'Your compassion does you credit, Miss de Coverdale, as does your loyalty to my ward. But I'm afraid it is a risk I shall have to take. Gillian might only be a stepsister to me, but I love her as dearly as I do my own sister, and because of her impulsive nature, I worry about her twice as much. I would not wish to see her marry ill and find out too late that she has been deceived. I would never forgive myself if that happened. For as you've said yourself, a mistake once made, no matter how innocently, stays with us for a very long time. Isn't that right, my dear Miss de Coverdale?'
Chapter Nine
Helen thought about what Oliver had said for a long time after she returned to the school: '...a mistake once made, no matter how innocently, stays with us for a very long time...'
Had he been referring to the mistake he'd made with her twelve years ago? Helen thought it likely, given the note of regret she had heard in his voice. She also remembered what he'd said about Mr Wymington, and the more she thought about it, the more she realised that he was right. Mr Wymington was not as harmless as he seemed; a conclusion confirmed a few days later when a small parcel arrived from the gentleman. The package was addressed to Helen but inside was a sealed enclosure for Gillian.
The Guardian's Dilemma Page 10