by Kade Cook
She chuckles but looks directly at the watchful bird and waves her hand at him. “It’s all right Theo, leave him be,” she says through the glass, sending him a happy thought to settle him down but doesn’t know if it will work or not. He must have understood, to some degree, as he quiets himself and flies up to perch on the roof of the building across the street—still in a direct line of sight—refusing to vacate completely. “Sorry about that,” she apologizes to him. “He is a bit protective at times.”
“Yeah, he reminds me of someone else I know,” Matthias teases but regrets saying anything about it seeing a hint of darkness flicker within her aura. He is here with her alone and does not want the Shadow Walker anywhere near or invite him into her head unintentionally.
But it is too late. Gabrian looks away, shrinking in her stool just a bit at the thought of Shane, feeling the sting of guilt bite at her for pushing him into a deep sleep so that she could have a moment to herself, a moment to do what she needed to do without seeing that look in his eye.
“Earth to Gabrian...” Matthias whispers, his body facing her.
“Hmm?” she asks, realizing she slipped away in her thoughts and left him alone. “Sorry, I was just...”
“It’s okay. You were only gone for a moment.”
“Ugh, I am struggling to keep my mind straight. I am all over the place,” she tells him, gripping her cup a little more tightly then exhales a loud sigh. “To tell you the truth, I feel like I am falling apart and with everything that has been happening...” She feels the pressure building behind her eyes, threatening to release the tears so eager to appear. She tries hard to push them back, and maintain her façade of being strong, but Gabrian’s inner emotional well bursts. The tears escape through the cracks in her armor and seep downward. “I just needed someone to talk to.”
Seeing Gabrian’s sudden show of honest emotion drives a knife through Matthias’ heart. She always seems so tough and in control. Never once did he ever think she would allow the world to have this much control over her—not like this.
“Gabrian, why didn’t you say anything to Ethan?” he asks, dipping his head in closer to the window so that he can catch her eyes. “I thought you guys were open with each other. He would help you any way he could. You know that, right?”
She wipes the tears away and glances at him, nodding. “I know he would. I just didn’t want to bother him. He has enough on his plate with his clients and dealing with the Covenant of Shadows. And...” She hesitates for a moment and looks away. Gathering breath in her lungs, she turns back to him and continues, “I just don’t want him to think any less of me for being weak.”
Reaching out, Matthias grips the edge of her elbow gently and holds it. “He would never think that, Gabrian, never. That is not who he is. You know that he loves you.”
She tries to smile but it is laboured. She nods again instead of trying to speak.
Matthias rubs the side of his cheek, scratching his fingers against the hint of stubble shadowing his jaw. “I get it, okay.” Knowing how proud she is, and holding a similar level of pride, he may have done the same. Looking weak in the eyes of your mentor is hardly something anyone would want. “You should have come to me sooner,” he whispers to her, releasing his grip on her elbow, and rubs the back of her arm—delighted he was her choice of confidante but a bit surprised the Shadow Walker was not.
Gabrian’s fingers tingle with their familiar heat of stress. With all due respect to Shane, she knows her sleeping giant at home would have listened to her, would have done anything in his power to help her find the answers she seeks, but he always seems to look at her with eyes filled with an emotion she does not quite understand but that she interprets as pity. And she cannot stand to see it anymore. His burden of watching over her like a child is already too much for her to swallow, especially after what she has just done to him. Maybe it is not pity in his eyes after all, maybe it is the reflection of the sickening weight of guilt she harbours inside—watching him waste his life being her babysitter. Pity or guilt, it is all the same to her and now her cup is full of it—she needs a new glass.
Her eyes drop from his, not because she sees pity but because she feels ashamed on so many levels. “I didn’t know if you would still want to talk...after all that has happened—after all that I have done.”
Matthias takes a large breath and lets his grip on her drop, slipping his hand down from her arm to cup her delicate but deadly fingers, and holds them within his own. He stoops down so his head is level with hers. Gabrian’s eyes rise to meet his awkward gaze. “Gabrian, what happened between you and I and the Shadow Walker is not important right now. And the unfortunate mishap with Rachael, I am certain it was a mistake. What is important is you—your health.” Matthias jiggles her fingertips gently, not finished with his thoughts. “So, in order for us to figure this out, I need to know what really happened.”
She hesitates for a moment, holding her breath, and feels his delicate touch on her fingers and wonders if he can feel the heat burning within them as well. Shaking the insignificant thought out of her head, she exhales. She is here with him for help so now is not the time to worry about her oddness or to withhold important information. It is not the time to be proud. Exhaling, she tells him about not being able to lend energy—that ever since the night of her supposed capture she is unable to do it. She reveals to him that no matter how much dark essence she inhales, she is never satisfied, and the taste is so repugnant to her that she consciously refuses to feed at times—bringing her to this point of where she is, her subconscious need to feed taking over—which led to her nearly killing Rachael since she had been unable to give back what she had stolen from her.
Gabrian cannot tell him all she thinks about the light—the constant desire to obtain it near maddening. That is something she will not disclose, no matter who he is. That revelation is indeed a measure that will seal her fate.
“I just can’t seem to make myself feed after what happened—what I have done,” she offers, knowing he will get it where Shane would not. Being from the Boragen Fellowship and most likely witnessing this travesty on numerous accounts, he will understand. “...the fear is too strong now.”
He grips her hands more securely within his own and gazes at her with soft eyes, wide and warm, displaying his true feelings outward. “Gabrian, you must feed in order to remain well, physically and mentally.” Holding her hands, Matthias pulls her closer to him with his gaze pleading. “Although we are extremely tolerant of much, the lack of food will do some devastating things.” She looks away from him for a moment, but his fingers lift to drift along her cheek, coaxing her to return her attention to him. “We all struggle, Gabrian, nobody is perfect.”
“I know.” She nods, glancing at him, and takes a breath, wanting to remove herself from all of this. Finding solace in the moment, she shifts the conversation. “Cimmerian has offered to help me,” she reveals to him, struggling to pull herself free from the sadness with the hope to change the mood in the room.
“Really...well, that is wonderful. You should take him up on his offer. He is a bit peculiar at times, not to mention masterfully sullen, but if you can get past all that, I am certain that you will do great things,” Matthias assures, watching her bite at the edge of her lips. “And...if you need me for anything, I am always happy to help.”
She sees him. She feels the conviction in his voice and trusts that he will, even if she does not deserve his show of devotion. “Please don’t tell anyone about this, promise me.” Her eyes plead with him, glassing over once more. Her innards twist and her heart pounds beneath her bones in harmony with the thunderous beating of raindrops the heavens have unleashed on the sidewalk just beyond the other side of the glass window.
“Don’t worry, I promise.” He pulls her in close, wrapping his arms around her in a protective hug and smiles, kissing the top of her head. Feeling her surrender to his gesture, he hopes this may be the perfect opportunity for him to slip back into
her life and secure it for good. “What are friends for?”
45
LETTING GO
LOCATING THE FAMILIAR hum of Gabrian’s essence, Shane fumbles through the shadows of the Veil, his mind still groggy from the deep sleep that had kept him captive way too tightly and longer than normal. He appears in the alleyway just outside the Coffee Hound, his chest pounding in his ears, panicked, and his hand cradling the heart stone within it. The wet blanket of rain soaks his skin and his ears pick up on a throaty cackling coming from above the building behind. Theo, Gabrian’s ever stalking groupie on duty, greets him and alerts him of his presence—discern in his call. Shane steps out of the shadow and closer to the large window of the coffee bar.
Shane’s hazy mind clears without haste as he glares through the glass, searching for understanding. His fear of her absence dissipates but melds into a rush of heated and confused fury. Not feeling the bite of the cold rain nipping at his skin any longer, he is mesmerized by the scene unfolding before him, throat rumbling as he lets out a savage growl. A slight vapor of steam rises from his flesh with the elevation of his body’s temperature, fueled by hatred.
Shane tightens his eyes as they watch Matthias’s hands graze across the small of Gabrian’s back and gather behind her, gripping her shirt within his brazen fingers. His body cloaks her small frame as he pulls her in tight to touch his stomach against her chest and cradle her head beneath his chin. He lips touch her hair with a seductive kiss, his eyes rolling back in his head for a moment then flare open, sensing his audience. Finding Shane, he kisses her once more, revealing the wickedness within, and sends the Schaeduwe a message of his smug intentions.
Shane stands statuesque, calling on all of his inner strength to maintain his position and resist from busting through the picture window to rip out the spine of the snake before him, knowing Gabrian would never forgive him if he did.
“Um, I think we have an audience.”
“What?” Gabrian says, pulling away from Matthias’s tender embrace.
“I do believe that someone may be looking for you.”
She turns her head and finds the eyes of her seeker—a heartbroken sea of green stares back at her, making the burden of guilt seem even heavier, and adds to the sharpness of her self-hatred. She pulls out of Matthias’ arms, imagining how this must look to Shane—not privy to the real reason she is here—and feels like an outsider just as she has for so long.
Gabrian screams within her silence.
What is wrong with me?
She is the cause of this pain. Once again, her selfish need to rendezvous with someone Shane has so much distrust for, and behind his back no less—caught within his arms—even as innocent as it is, it is not—no, not entirely.
“He doesn’t look very happy,” Matthias says, pecking her on the cheek, and flashes a grin in Shane’s direction, meant only for his eyes. His deliberate attempt to infuriate the onlooker goes unnoticed by Gabrian as she gathers her things from the stool.
Shane’s nostril flare but he makes no attempt to move. He rests, awaiting her retreat from the wanton suitor’s manipulative company, but his mind is raging. Although relieved that she is okay, Shane loathes the situation he finds her in.
“I have to go,” she says softly, hearing Shane’s concern for her safety in his thoughts deluded with murderous intentions toward her chosen keep. She quickly finishes putting her coat on and turns to address Matthias. “Thank you for meeting with me and letting me unload on you. It means more than you know.”
“Yes, of course. Remember I am here for you, any time you need me,” he offers, his smirk replaced by a sincere soft pout for her benefit, hoping to ensure his latch on her emotional needs. He offers her a slight grip of comforting support with his hand on her elbow as she slips by him and takes her leave to deal with the raging Shadow Walker outside—leaving behind the warm, dry sanctuary of the Coffee Hound to trudge toward the confused, wet, and livid Shane Kage standing in the pouring rain.
Slowly, taking the necessary steps to reach him, Gabrian frowns up and sees the residing terror in his eyes. The colour no longer the usual turquoise green of a tranquil sea but an eerie dark jade forest, holding more monsters in its shadows than she probably wants to know about. He takes her by the hand, gently leading her back into the shroud of the shadows behind them—no longer in the eye of intentional eavesdroppers.
Gabrian takes a breath, readying to explain, when he unleashes his fears.
“Are you all right?” Tears welling at the corner of his eyes soften the harshness of the forest within them. The disdain boiling in him for the scum just touching her is dropped and dismissed into nothing. It is not Gabrian that is the deception in Shane’s mind, it is Matthias, the disgusting excuse for a being that he is. “Did something happen to you?”
She shakes her head from side to side, confused by his switch in mood. Rage replaced by concern for her wellbeing, he grabs her gently by the wrist and pulls up her sleeve in search for something. “Where is it?” He twists her arm front to back as he searches. “Where is your heart stone?”
Not wanting to tell him what she has done, she pulls her arm away from his grip, slipping the sleeve back down. “It’s gone.”
“I know it’s gone. I felt it disappear,” he says, his hand instinctively rising to rub his own stone bound within the leather binding hanging from his neck. “I thought you were dead.”
“What?”
“The heart stone, remember?” he snaps at her, not meaning to. He takes a deep breath, trying to release the torturous animal of fear still pumping adrenaline wildly within him. “It sings as long as its other half is close to its keeper. It lets me know that you are alive and well. And when it stopped, I woke up—the emptiness of the hum, searing my skin—trying desperately to rip me from the consuming state of slumber.”
Not realizing that removing it and giving it to Rachael would do this, she understands more of the angst in his entrance.
“When I finally pulled myself out, I rushed into the shadows to find you. Gabrian, I am sorry for being angry with you, but I thought that you were dead.” He pants, rubbing his hands through his drenched curls. “I thought I had lost you... My heart being ripped apart within the nightmare of believing it, especially after I have only just found you.”
Her heart aches in her chest at hearing him confess his undying conviction to her preservation. It is more than she can stand. “You didn’t lose me, I gave it away.”
“I don’t understand. Why would you...”
“I had to...” she says, trying to find her voice. “I had to fix what I have done, and Madorrah told me to do it.”
“What?” Shane nearly barks out the word.
“She told me to bend the rules. I knew she wasn’t going to cave on giving me a stone, no matter what I said her or how many times I tried to convince her, so after I was done being upset with the old bat, I listened to her—to what she was really saying—the message within the message.”
Shane’s brow twists, confused in what riddle she is speaking to him.
Gabrian continues, seeing his confusion, but starts to pace in front of him, treading through the puddles emerging in the alley. “And so I left while you were sleeping and went to the hospital. I snuck into her room, to give my stone to her, but when I took it off to give to Rachael, it wouldn’t go. It refused her. I couldn’t believe...I refused to believe my attempt was futile. But then Madorrah’s words awoke inside my mind and told me I have to bend the rules. So, I did. I tied it onto her neck. If it helps her, if it can help her find her way back, then it is worth it. And I am sorry if you don’t understand, something inside my heart tells me it will. I didn’t do it to hurt you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t,” she says, stepping away from him, not wanting to see that look.
“Yes, you could have, Gabrian. You can tell me anything, I would do anything to...”
“I know you would, I know!” Gabr
ian yells out at him, throwing her arms in the air then weaves her hands deep within her wet tangled mess of hair. “You would do anything to help me, you would do anything for me—like give up your entire life for what I want, what I need...and I know...?” Gabrian hesitates, burying her head between her arms and lets them wrap around, veiling her for a moment from the swirl of emotion. Then she stops, letting them drop, and whispers to him in a pitchy voice, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Shane’s heart begins to pound in his ears, the words carrying a meaning he does not want to understand, and he wants her to stop what he knows she is going to say.
“I can’t do this anymore...” she repeats, turning to face the gentle giant before her—the one she is going to destroy but save with the same breath. “I can’t stand by and idly watch as you continuously throw away your life, your desires, and your needs, always putting me and my life first, ahead of yours. It’s not right, Shane. It’s not fair.”
“Gabrian, don’t...it’s not like that.”
“It’s exactly like that, Shane,” she says, no longer able to see either of them suffocate because of the position they are in. “We both know it.”
“I took an oath...”
“Yes, and I am dissolving you of your oath and all that binds you to it. I am relinquishing you of your duties as a Guardian to the silver bloodline—to me.”
“But I love you...”
“I know you do... oh man, do I know. I love you too...and that is why I have to let you go and give you back your life. I can’t watch you sacrifice everything you are to stand in my shadow. I can’t look you in the eye anymore without feeling the guilt of knowing it is all my fault, knowing I am not worthy of your sacrifice—that I have stolen your life from you just like I did with Rachael.”