by K. A. Berg
I look down at my fingers through tears pooled in my eyes and see the white tape is stained with streaks of red and my hands are a bloody mess. I didn’t feel it at all. Nothing. Not a damn thing. Maybe I’ve finally reached the point of no return and have officially lost what little was left inside me.
“It’s time we finish our talk, angel,” Alex says gently. “You can’t keep going on like this. You need to talk to someone. I know something else is going on here, and whatever it is scares the hell out of you but keeping everything all bottled up inside is killing you. You just scared the hell out of me too. Here’s what we’re going to do: you’re going to head into the locker room and take a hot shower. You’re going to meet me back out here in twenty minutes, and we’re going to go somewhere and talk everything out. You can trust me, Quinn. I promise.”`
He doesn’t even give me the chance to object before he’s helping me to my feet and pushing me into the locker room. Right now, I feel as though I have no control over my body. Almost as if my brain shut down part of itself and is running solely on instinct.
The locker room is empty as I strip out of my gross clothes. I step under the water in the shower stall and let it pelt down on me for a few minutes, trying to give myself a small reprieve. The stinging of the water hitting my knuckles brings me back out of my fog a little bit. Can I finally let it out? Can I finally tell someone what’s happening inside me? Is it possible today is the day I figure out some way to fix the clusterfuck my life has become?
Alex is waiting for me when I step out of the locker room. No words are exchanged as he takes my hand in his and walks me to the front of the gym.
“I didn’t know you still came here,” he admits as we make our way onto the sidewalk.
Pulling my sweatshirt a little tighter to fight the cold chill in the November air, I answer, “I never stopped. Billy and I still meet at least once a week.”
Alex just nods his head and continues pulling me forward, I assume to the coffee shop down the block.
The bells jingle as we walk through the door making a happy sound that doesn’t match my mood. The Christmas decorations are starting to go up around town, including here. Where I used to love Christmas not too long ago, these last two Christmases have been lacking for me, and the thought of mustering any spirit for this one just makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor.
I miss the old days, when I wasn’t constantly empty, and red and green glitter decorations made me incredibly happy. I only have enough strength to handle getting through this mess my father is perpetrating. There’s no room left for anything more and it seems everything else has lost its meaning.
“I’ll get us something to drink while you find a place to sit. Make sure it’s comfortable because we’re not leaving here until I know everything.”
I look around at the fairly empty room. It’s barely seven a.m. on a Wednesday, I’m not surprised by the lack of people. I head toward the back corner where the lighting is lower and it’s more secluded. Deciding on the plush purple couch in the far corner, I settle in and tuck my feet under my ass. I glance over at the counter and watch Alex as he orders our drinks.
There’s no telling how any of this will go. How will I feel finally getting everything off my chest? I’m not the least bit surprised Alex knew there was more going on than I initially told him … I swear he’s part clairvoyant. I want to tell him. I need to tell him. I know deep down he’s the only person I’ll allow myself to trust right now.
I’m not even sure how I was able to convince myself Alex was anything but an amazing man who cared about me. Thinking back without my blinders on, nothing he said should’ve led me to believe he was cheater or thought it was okay. I read him totally wrong and hurt him –and myself – immeasurably. And yet here he is, still being the man I need. Still helping me through the tough times.
No matter what problems I faced while we were together, he always made me feel like they were his as well. Even the smallest, most insignificant things. There was never any judgment. He always wanted what was best for me. Still does, even after the atrocious way I treated him.
Something about the way he listens and understands what I’m not saying makes me feel comfortable. Known. Accepted. Alex has also always known just the right way to say things to make the biggest impact. The right words, the right tone.
Armed with a coffee in each hand, Alex sits down next to me and hands one over. “Okay, Quinn. What’s really going on?”
I stare into those beautiful hazel eyes I used to get lost in. I can do this. I can tell someone. My father can’t touch me here. Alex would never do anything to make this worse for me. I take a deep breath and release it. Now or never. “My father is threatening more than just my career and reputation.”
An uneasy look crosses Alex’s face. “How so?”
“My father has some kind of evidence of fraud he’s created against me, and if I don’t marry Jordan, he’s threatening to call the Feds and tip them off, which will open an investigation into my pipeline and accounts.” Once I start talking the words just tumble out of my mouth effortlessly. Just like that, it feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest. I’ve been holding on to that secret for the last four months, and it’s been eating me from the inside out. I feel lighter. Even though it’s just the tip of the iceberg, it feels good to say something.
Chapter Nine
Alex
“The feds?” Please let me have heard her wrong. Please! She nods then quickly averts her eyes to the coffee in her hands.
“You’re saying if you don’t go through with this wedding, your dad plans to set you up and call in a tip to get you thrown in prison?”
She doesn’t answer verbally but gives me a tiny nod confirming the fact her dad is a bigger douchebag than I ever gave him credit for.
It’s hard to hold on to my anger with her while she’s going through this awful shit. Looking at her right now is heartbreaking.
No wonder she’s a fucking zombie. I don’t know how she’s been walking around keeping something this big between just her and Jordan. But whatever they’ve been doing to deal with this whole situation isn’t helping her. She’s drowning, barely keeping her head up.
Just looking at her, it’s easy to tell how awful it has been for her to find herself here. The Quinn I know wouldn’t ever back down from a fight, even if it’s with her father. She’s battled against him for so long. Not having a leg to stand on has got to be killing her.
Does she really think her father will do it? Why aren’t she and Jordan fighting this?
“What does your lawyer say?” I ask the obvious. “What are your options?”
She peers up at me from under her still wet lashes and answers me in a soft, broken voice. “I don’t have a lawyer.”
“What?” I ask incredulously. “Why the hell not? Why don’t you and Jordan have the best attorney you can find on this? You can’t let your father get away with this.”
The rage boiling inside me is getting close to the point of eruption. I want to find Jordan, rip his arms from their sockets and beat him with them. “What kind of man allows a woman to be bullied into marrying him and does nothing to stop it? How can anyone call himself a man knowing he’s marrying someone basically against their will?”
I thought she was in good hands with Jordan. I thought he truly cared about her, otherwise I’d have stepped in earlier. No matter what she’s done to me, I’ll never allow her to spend her life with someone who doesn’t give two shits about her.
“Jordan doesn’t know.”
Her confession breaks through my murderous thoughts but does nothing to curb the rage I’m feeling. “What do you mean he doesn’t know? You told me the morning you were supposed to marry him you told him all about your dad.”
“I did. I just left out the part about him threatening an investigation.”
“You left that part out? Why the hell would you do that?”
“He didn’t need to be in
volved in it. Plus, he could’ve decided to not go through with it.” Her voice goes from soft to frantic as she begins to babble. “My father would’ve fucked me over either way. At least this way I could buy some time until we got through the merger, and I could force my dad out.” Her eyes have a pleading look in them. Almost as if she needs me to understand.
“I get where you were going with this, I do. Getting married would buy you some time, but then what? What happens if things don’t go according to plan? You can’t keep this from him. He needs to understand what he’s getting himself into.” No matter my feelings on the man or the subject, nobody deserves to be lied to like this. “He should also know the only reason you’re doing this is to stay out of jail.”
She shakes her head disagreeing. “His father just died. How the hell am I supposed to tell him this?”
“You should’ve told him from the beginning, Quinn. Why didn’t you?” I can’t seem to wrap my head around her line of thinking. How was she going to handle something like this on her own? For such a smart woman, she really made a stupid decision.
“I wasn’t thinking, okay? I thought I could handle this on my own and keep everyone out of it so they didn’t become targets too. I have no idea why he’s doing this. I was scared. I am fucking scared.” Her voice gets shaky and her hands thread through her hair in frustration but her face screams terror. “Prison, Alex. He’s threatening to have me sent to prison!”
Her fear and defeat are evident in every part of her. Her expressions, her body language, the tone of her voice. For fuck’s sake, how has Jordan missed all of this? “All right, Quinn. Take a deep breath. We can figure out something, but first you need to talk to Jordan. You can’t keep hiding this from him.”
“I never saw this coming. Not in a million years. Sure, we don’t get along, but I never thought my father actually hated me.” The small amount of composure Quinn was using to keep herself together is gone. Her whole body shakes as the sobs leave her throat, and when she looks up at me with her beautiful eyes full of sadness, I’d give anything to make her life okay again. I’d take on the pain of the world if it meant taking hers away, and I didn’t have to see her like this. “How can a parent just outright hate their child? How can my mother just go along with this?”
I wish I had an answer for her and there was something I could tell her to help her make sense of this mess, but I’ve never seen a family tear each other apart like this. “I don’t know.”
“My childhood was pretty good,” she says, a hitch in her voice. “My parents actually acted like parents for most of it. When did they go from being my parents to my enemies? Why? If anyone has the right to hate anyone in this situation, it’s me. They shattered all my hopes and dreams at the ripe age of fifteen. Neither ever mentioned it again after that night. My world was permanently altered that day, and my parents didn’t even care.”
God, these people have done such a number on her. I’m afraid they’ve finally broken her. She needs to snap out of this before this is the person she becomes permanently. “Quinn, you need to fix this. Screw your dad and what he’s trying to do. Don’t let him do this to you. Don’t let him win. You’re better than backing down and crying in the corner.”
“There’s no way out of this that ends well for me,” she says drained and out of hope. “My father’s already booked a whole new wedding venue. I was given the reminder yesterday that my job, hell, my whole damn life, still isn’t safe.”
“That’s why you need a lawyer, Quinn. You need to figure out a way to get ahead of this. You can’t do this by yourself,” I tell her before I’ve given myself time to think about the fact she may want to marry Jordan. She obviously cares deeply for him. It shows in everything she does. Maybe marrying Jordan isn’t what’s bothering her. She could just be stressed, because even if she does marry Jordan, her father is still very crazy. Maybe she’s just scared what he’ll try to do next. There always seems like a “next” with that man. “Is getting married what scares you? Or is it just your father you’re afraid of? Do you want to marry Jordan?”
She stares down into her lap for what feels like forever. Her hands wringing together. Legs bouncing up and down with apprehension. I can feel the emotions raging inside her. Admitting feelings has never been Quinn’s thing. She keeps herself very guarded. Always needing to be stronger than everyone else. She does it by remaining detached. And keeping her feelings to herself is part of remaining detached. She doesn’t have to worry about being hurt because not many ever get close enough to have that power.
“Both of them scare me,” she finally admits. “I love Jordan but not like that. It’s not a romantic type of love. I don’t want to be in a marriage without love and romance and passion. I’ve seen those kinds of love-filled marriages. I believe in them now. If I was ever going to get married, I want it to be for that. Not because my father is making me. My father is completely crazy. If I don’t agree to this, who knows what he’ll do. Where does it end for me?”
She’s right—she gets hurt either way. It’s like picking your own poison. The lesser of two evils. But there has to be another option for her. “That’s why you need to figure out a plan C. Another way where maybe everyone can walk away happier. Jordan can help you with it. Besides, he needs to know everything going on because it affects his life too.”
“But I don’t know how to tell him,” she sighs and leans back into the couch. “His whole world has been rocked. His family is a lot like Tanner’s. They were close as hell. Imagine Mr. Garrison dying. How would you give Tanner more bad news after that? His parents think this relationship is real. He wanted his dad to believe he found his new family. How do I tell his mom I’m a lying bitch just after she buried her husband?”
“I understand your dilemma. I do. But it doesn’t change reality, Quinn. You need to take this one step at a time and right now you need to worry about step one. Tell Jordan the truth. You’re not a coward. You’re strong. You can do this. At best, you will feel better having been completely honest.” I try to reassure her. She can’t continue on like this. I have no idea how this will play out for her but at the very least she can say she did the right thing by ‘fessing up to what’s really going on.
Chapter Ten
Quinn
I feel like I’m going to puke! I’ve been going over everything I want to say to Jordan in my head for the last two days. Alex is right. There’s no way I can keep lying to him any longer. It’s not fair to him, and I’m in way over my head.
Jordan has been good to me. Sure, I thought he was a dick at first, but that had more to do with me and my father than it did him. Even when I tried to be a bitch to him, he was always a decent guy. When I finally dialed it down a bit and saw him as a person, I liked the person he was. He’s been a great friend to me and has held my hand through one of the toughest things I’ve had to deal with.
How to tell him the whole truth is the part I’m struggling with. It means I admit I’ve been lying to him. Okay, not necessarily lying. Jordan knows my motives for conceding to my father just not all of them. I haven’t technically lied, just withheld important possibly life-altering parts.
Jordan could very well tell me to go fuck myself. I wouldn’t really blame him. Why would he want to be tied to me knowing what a loose cannon my dad is? How many times will he hold something over me? How bad will things get? What happens the next time he wants something from me? I don’t know anyone who would willingly sign up for this shit. I can only hope he doesn’t.
The sound of a key pushing into the lock of the front door fills the quiet of the apartment. I’ve been sitting at the island in Jordan’s—well, our—kitchen waiting for his arrival home. I think I’ve counted every tile on the backsplash trying to occupy my mind for the last hour and a half. I don’t want to have this conversation with him, so to keep myself from thinking about it, I counted tiles. Five hundred and twelve green. Eight hundred and seven black ones and seven hundred sixty white ones. I never realized how j
ust the little bit of green brightened up the white and black room. Maybe because the green is very similar to the gorgeous shade of Alex’s eyes.
“Hey, babe.” Jordan smiles as he approaches. “Why are you sitting here in the dark?”
“Just been doing some thinking.”
My palms begin to sweat knowing the time has come. The wine glass in my hand becomes slippery, and I set it down to minimize the probability of me dropping it. The nausea I’ve been battling all day rears its ugly head again, only stronger. My heart pounds in my chest. I can’t recall a time I’ve been more frightened. This is what I get for withholding in the first place.
“You don’t look too good. Is everything okay?” he asks, setting his briefcase down on the beautiful stone countertop. He stands across from me, giving me his undivided attention. It doesn’t help. It just makes me more unsettled.
Taking a deep breath, I decide to go with just ripping the Band-Aid off. Bad news is bad news. There’s no way to sugarcoat this. I force myself to look him in the eye as I speak. “I don’t think this wedding is a good idea anymore.”
Jordan’s face is all shock. His mouth hangs open and his eyes are as big as saucers. “What?”
Fuck! This is turning out to be a million times harder than I thought. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I just don’t think this is the best way to handle things. We shouldn’t be getting married because someone like my father is forcing us to.”
Jordan goes from shocked to negotiator in a nanosecond. “You’re just nervous, babe. I know I haven’t been around a lot these last few weeks, but it’s only temporary. We’re starting our lives together. We’re basically already married anyway. We live together, we’re going to be working together. You’ve got nothing to worry about. We’re great together.”