by Dani J Caile
71 SFX VOICE OF RAV FURTHER AWAY.
72 RAV: One born every minute…
73 TED: Sorry?
74 RAV: And 'peace' upon you, too…shmuck.
Genre Mash Up Test 2
(4 elements, 6 genres in one story, 150 words per genre – elements - marshmallows, baby bottle warmer, crocheted scarf)
Genre Mash Up Test 2 - Part 1 - Satire
"Where can I plug this in, then?" Todd held the baby bottle warmer in both hands.
"Look, we're in the woods, we're camping." The fire grew stronger with every prod of my stick.
"What? Do you mean that there's nowhere to plug this in?" He searched around the small clearing, looking for a socket.
"You're just gonna have to survive without it for a few days." I relaxed back in my three-legged fold-away camp stool, almost falling off. "Come, the baby's sleeping now. Have some toasted marshmallows with me."
Todd sat down on the log beside the fire.
"What are we gonna do?" He took out his tablet and stabbed at the screen. "There's no Wifi here!"
"Relax. There's lots of things to do. I'm going to start on that crocheted scarf I've always wanted to make."
He continued poking and flicking through screens.
"Is there an App for that?"
Genre Mash Up Test 2 Part 2 - Horror
The flame of the fire flickered and a cool breeze blew through the clearing.
"Is it me or did the temperature just drop?" I put my toasted marshmallow down and headed for a blanket somewhere in the tent.
"Nope."
"What?"
"There's no App for making a crocheted scarf." Todd huddled over his tablet. There was something strange about him tonight, more than usual. I rummaged through the tent and finally found a blanket. It had grown quiet outside since entering.
"Todd?" With the blanket around me, I poked my head out. He no longer sat by the fire, only the baby bottle warmer and my marshmallows were there. "Todd?"
Tenaciously, I returned to my stool and watched the flames dancing in the weakening light. A sudden sound to the right caught my attention.
"Todd? Is that you? Todd?" A hand touched my left shoulder, I jumped up, losing the blanket.
Genre Mash Up Test 2 Part 3 - Dr Suess
"Wanna play a game?"
said Todd, throwing the baby bottle warmer from one hand to the other.
"It's not the same as any other game.
You can even call your mother."
"What's the game, Todd?"
He grabbed some marshmallows and stuffed them up his nose.
He popped them out,
fell about,
and put them 'tween his toes.
"What kind of game, Todd?
Won't you ever tell? Oh!
Does it include a crocheted scarf?
Or maybe some jello?"
"There is no scarf, not even half,
And as for jello…
maybe a marshmallow.
He placed some inside the warmer and dropped it in the fire.
He laughed and danced and jumped around,
and watched the flames grow higher.
"Todd, are you okay?
You seem a little weird.
You 'll wake the baby with your noise!
All this is worse than I'd feared."
"Let's play another game that's not the same," he jeered.
Genre Mash Up 2 Test Part 4 - Sonnet
When the marshmallows are toasted ready,
And the stars still shine in the cool wind night,
With our sweet muppet cuddlin' his teddy,
Under a dreamlike moon all silver and white,
And the baby bottle warmer we leave
By the fire, forgotten and unused,
And the crocheted scarf you never did weave,
With this little dumb sonnet I have mused,
I sing of your wond'rous beautiful hair,
And vixen smiles which take a good man's heart.
No one can resist as they stop and stare,
'Cause you're basically a common tart.
And nothing tonight can change what will be,
So shut up and start being nice to me.
Genre Mash Up Test 2 Part 5 - Sci-fi
"Yeah, sorry, Todd. I know, I have been a bit of a bitch recent..."
Flashing lights and an ominous whirring sound from above filled the clearing. Instinctively, I ran for the tent where our baby slept. Before I got there, a small uniformed alien appeared.
"Stop, human!"
Still holding some toasted marshmallows on sticks, I flung them and they stuck to its helmet.
"Ah! I am under attack!"
"Watch out for any crocheted scarves they may have," spoke its communicator.
"I don't have one of them, but I have...a HOOK!"
The alien cowered as I held out the tool.
"You're bluffing! You would never use it!"
"But I will use this!" shouted Todd, coming up behind. "This Universal Quantum Spectral Explosive will blow us all to kingdom come!" Todd menacingly held up the baby bottle warmer.
"You humans are crazy! Commander! Take me up!" And with that they were gone.
Genre Mash Up Test 2 Part 6 - Action / adventure
With the UFO gone, and the baby still sleeping peacefully, the realisation that something else pressed upon our minds came to being. 200 yards away was the only outside toilet for miles, cleverly disguised as a cesspit surrounded by wooden planks.
Todd was the first to move, sprinting past the fire, making the baby bottle warmer topple. He moved into the woods towards the man-made shithole. Dropping any thoughts of weaving a crocheted scarf, I saundered over to the fallen bottle warmer and picked it up. It had been a long time since I'd used my shotputting skills as college champion two years in a row, but I aimed and threw it well, slinging it in Todd's direction. I heard a thud, quickly followed by breaking branches and twigs. Bingo.
Scoffing what marshmallows were left, I victoriously used the wooden contraption while Todd shat in the bushes with the bears.
Weekend Quickie 37 - When friends are your greatest enemies
(image - fireflies in a jar, element - timber rattler (rattlesnake), emotion - nostalgia)
"Chris! So good to see you again, me old mate!"
"Likewise, likewise."
The two old timers sat on the porch, brought together once again after 60 odd years by an old friend's funeral. The last of the mourners had left, leaving them to chew things over and reminisce.
"Remember ol' Mamie?"
"Red haired Mamie? Yes, of course."
"Wow, she was a hot one, that girl! A right goer! Always ready for a weekend quickie. Whatever happened to her, eh?"
"I married her. Buried her 18 years ago."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"Right. Well, err, what about when we took on the Terrible Duo…!"
"…and I got a broken jaw and had to start wearing false teeth at the age of 11."
"Uh-huh. Yeah. And when we took that jar of fireflies down to the lake to check out whether frogs really did glow in the dark if they ate 'em?"
"Yes, I remember. I got bitten by a timber rattler and had to be helicoptered over to the county hospital because the doctor was out of antivenom. My heart stopped twice."
"Ah, those were the days, eh?"
"No, Jordan, not really."
A firefly flew slowly by, its bulbous lower abdomen flashing green.
67 - Whoops, there goes the neig
hbourhood
(dice, the Gods, cocktails, irrigation boots)
"Just throw the dice, you’re stalling, Hades."
"Quiet, I’m thinking."
"The time for that is over," remarked Poseidon. "My sea monster will eat your three-headed hellhound for lunch."
"One hell of a boast from a man in a loincloth," sniggered Ares, sharpening his sword on the tip of Mount Olympus.
"Watch it, or you’ll know where I can sharpen this," he replied, threatening Ares with his trident.
"Now, now, it’s just a friendly game, boys." Aphrodite tried to calm them down. "Where’s the love?"
Zeus pointed down to Earth, on a little isolated beach occupied by two humans, a man and a woman in an embrace.
"There. Can I get a zoom on that, please?"
They all shook their heads. Hades threw the dice and ’whooped’.
"Looks like I take that damn sea monster of yours out of the picture, Fishboy." He picked up Poseidon’s piece and put it in his pocket. "I’ll save that for later, you never know when it’ll come in handy."
"Why you…!" Ares held Poseidon back from striking Hades.
"Now then, now then! Enough!" Zesus commanded. They all settled down. "How about we all get some cocktails and relax a little, eh? We’ve had our fun for the day." Zeus clicked his fingers and a waiter appeared.
"Yes, my Ultimate Master of All we See?"
"We’d like some cocktails."
"Why, of course." The waiter took out his chalk and slate.
"Ladies, first." Zeus gestured over to Aphrodite.
"Sex on the Beach, please."
They all looked back to the isolated beach Zeus had pointed to earlier.
"No, "Sex on the Beach", vodka, cranberry juice…"
"Yuck, cranberry juice! Oh well, each to her own. You, the one with the trident."
"Poseidon, Zeus."
"Yes, you, Fishboy. What would you like?"
"A Blue Lady."
"I bet you would."
The waiter whispered in Zeus’s ear.
"Oh, right. Gin, huh?"
Poseidon nodded.
"And you, Dead Dude?"
"A Shit on the Grass, please."
"Look, Hades, you’re on Olympus now, not down below in your own little underworld. We do have toilets up here, you know…"
The waiter tugged on Zeus’s gown.
"Oh, don’t tell me…"
"Kahluá and Midori Melon Liqueur, my Ultimate Master of All we See."
"Okay, okay. And you, Ares? How about you?"
"A Cosmopolitan."
They all stared at him for a moment.
"You could have any cocktail, absolutely any, and you ask for a Cosmopolitan? So dull, Ares, so dull."
"Well, I did want a Pina.."
"Don’t we all."
"Well, father, what would you like?" asked Aphrodite.
"Tequila Sunrise."
They all moaned.
"Well, what did you expect? Okay, so whose turn is it next, anyway?"
"Yours."
"Oh, super!" Zeus leaned over the Earth to take the dice from the other side and tipped the place a little. A flood began and they all heard screams and suffering from across the land below. Chaos reigned and the couple on the beach had been washed away by a huge tsunami. "Whoops. Perhaps it’s time I got someone to invent irrigation boots…"
Weekend Quickie 38 - Oh, Nana!
(image - old woman in a kitchen with floating apples, element - lost shoes, emotion - exuberance)
“Oh, I feel so exuberant!”
“Nana, are you okay?” The kitchen floor and table were covered with crates. “What are you doing?”
“I’m making apple pie. You know, I haven’t felt this good in ages! I’m so full of energy!”
She potted around the kitchen, never really doing anything other than picking up apples and half peeling them.
“Nana, you’re making a mess…Nana? Where’s the bag I left here on the counter?” My grass was gone. I’d never thought to worry about leaving stuff around the house before, Nana hadn’t been herself since Papa died.
“Oh, that! I fancied a tea, so I brewed those leaves up. Wonderful tea! You must get more of that, Teddy.”
Nana had brewed up my whole week supply of grass. Unbelievable, I didn’t even know you could do that. I’d have to go out and get more.
“Nana, where are my shoes?”
“Shoes?” Humming to herself, she sat down and her eyes glazed over.
“Nana? Are you okay? Don’t you think you’ve got a few too many apples here for one pie?”
“Oh, look, they’re flying.” She stared around the kitchen, oblivious to my questions.
“Nana, my shoes?”
“Lost, all lost, lost shoes…”
68 - The Hole in the Wall
(rock, paper, scissors, shaving cream)
What exactly did we ever do in those school breaks, those thousands of endless breaks between lessons? It seems such a waste now, all that running around, playing football, picking on the weak kid, playing kiss chase, inventing some stupid game which involved a tennis ball and large empty wall, and basically talking rubbish throughout. Why didn’t we study, why didn’t we try to better ourselves when we had the chance? Why didn’t we listen when the teacher asked us to study for the test, do the project, or stop throwing paper at each other? Now look at us, stuck in deadend jobs, paying the bills, breeding more fodder for the system to chew on and spit out.
There was one teacher, I remember now, only one, who tried to wake us up. But one wasn’t enough. He gave us an opportunity to think, to have an opinion, to question things around us, both close to home and globally. No tests every other lesson, no punishment for late homework, only bad marks if we didn’t do right. He used to let us play, too, but in what he called an educational way. One game I really didn’t like back then was ’rock, paper, scissors’. What the hell was that all about? He told us it originated in China way back, and has been used to settle small trivial arguments ever since. I didn’t get it then and, as he always encouraged us to do, I questioned its logic. Sure, rock blunts scissors, and scissors cuts paper, but paper covers rock? No, I wasn’t having that. I even tried to show him that paper doesn’t stop a flying rock with a few ill fated experiments. His point was that it covered the rock. I then said you might as well cover it with shaving cream or some kind of foam, or a box, maybe. He said that a box was made of cardboard, which is paper, but he liked my idea of shaving cream. He opened it up to the class, that if paper changed to shaving cream, what could the other two objects be? Razor was easy as a substitute for scissors but the others got stumped on the rock. Looking at the teacher, it came to me in a flash. His face. The silence in the classroom was broken by the teacher’s laughter. Yes, razor scrapped away shaving cream, shaving cream covered his face, and his face blunted the razor. He gave me a good mark for that one, but he then asked me how I was going to represent them…that’s when the idea fell apart.
I wonder what ever became of that teacher? Last thing I heard was that he’d written a book and got it published, though I don’t think he was famous or anything. And what about all of us, the thinkers, the opinionated argumentatives? Menial jobs, most of us, but I did learn one thing. The pen is mightier than the sword. Paper covers rock.
The Cat and the Monkey (Impromtu relay)
(Based on Mathew posting a picture of a cat on Facebook)
Co-written: Mathew W. Weaver
Dani: There was this cat...
Mathew:... which lived all alone...
Dani: ...in a little white...
Mathew:...doghouse. It's neighbor....
Dani: a grouchy, diseased and...
Mathew:...putrid monkey with a bad case of rabies....
Dani: ...loved to howl and screech...
Mathew:... at odd hours during the afternoon.
Dani: Well, this cat decided that...
Mathew:...enough was enough, an
d...
Dani: ...in one odd moment when...
Mathew:... the monkey was having guests over....
Dani: ...he leapt up onto the fence which separated...
Mathew:...the garden from the swimming pool, and...
Dani: marked the area for all to smell. Unfortunately, the water...
Mathew:... formerly a beautiful shade of deep blue...
Dani: ...now turned to a dirty shade of yellow.
Mathew:The monkey, in the process of...
Dani: creaming his butt for the infamous...
Mathew:... Cherished Chimpanzee maneuver, which also involved...
Dani: squeezing his testicles in a banana vice...
Mathew:... and yodeling in as high pitched a voice as possible...
Dani: ...stopped in his tracks when the guests noticed...
Mathew: ...that there was now a palpable change in odor...
Dani: ...and an oily viscosity to the water,
Mathew: ...accompanied by a faintly noxious cloud of green.
Dani: The way that monkey somersaulted...
Mathew:... with the poise and agility of a gymnast and...
Dani: ...no hint of the 23 years in urethral sling surgery which blighted his blossoming career as...
Mathew:... an acrobatic pianist at the local circus, he...
Dani: ...could've won Gold at the local Prosthetic...
Mathew: ...Amazing Aeronautical Ape Competition, that also happened to feature...
Dani: …..the Stupendous Russian Poodles of Kiev and their...
Mathew:... lesser known counterparts, the Roaring Rottweilers of Romania.
Dani: With a flick and fling, the monkey landed...
Mathew:... with grandeur on the tiles beside the pool, but...
Dani: ...unbeknown to his little brain, the cat had already covered them with...
Mathew:... litty itty bits of hairballs that he had torn to pieces just so.
Dani: The monkey's guests looked on as their host suffered the most hilarious bout of chaetophobia...
Mathew:... as his legs scrambled wildly and yet he stayed in one place. His mouth open in a yodel of protest...
Dani: ...,to the surprise of all who were there to witness it,..
Mathew:... he managed to miraculously regain his balance. He grabbed the fence, and let out a sigh of relief. But that, however, was before...
Dani: ...the cat had enacted his "piece de resistance", the 'claws in...