This has been the situation since a fraction of a second after the Big Bang.
So, you’ll have noticed the key theme here — serious, formal, order, routine, boredom etc. And you’ve also seen Quark living Daisy Jacobs’ life as a teenage girl. And trying to out-teen Daisy. She says her life is ordinary and the things she generally does, the things any of us do in our day-to-day life, are nothing exceptional — they’re pretty mundane and average. To us.
To Quark it adds up to chaos. Chaos on the outside is a bad thing, although he’s refused to face up to this. Even fifty minutes of History, followed by a short walk and then fifty minutes of Science, a bit of a break and fifty minutes of Maths is, to him, chaotic. An entire day of Science or Maths or English would be better. Or a week, maybe. Or a whole year: a year of double-double-double Science! Yes, it would be very, very dull, but he’d know what to expect: lots and lots of nothing and boredom. Almost no death and destruction, of course — unless Daisy keeled over with boredom, but then you can’t have everything. There’d be structure. Order. And maybe, just maybe, Quark could cope.
But no. First, he has to do all the stuff to Daisy’s body to get it ready to even go downstairs in her own house every day. Then the body has to be refuelled, while he interacts as little as possible with her meddlesome family — who are always interfering in his life and constantly asking Daisy what she’s doing and how she’s feeling. As if he knows — let alone cares! He can’t understand why everyone is so obsessed with how everyone else is feeling. It’s so random; he barely knows what feelings are, let alone how to put barely sensed emotions into words that anyone else can interpret logically. “Within parameters,” doesn’t give Daisy’s mum much of an idea of where her girl is at. “A tolerable situation,” (even when it isn’t) doesn’t make Mrs Griffin think Daisy is back with the programme. And “middling” doesn’t assure her dad that his wife isn’t right after all and Daisy should have therapy.
Quark is unsettled by what happens to him on a day-to-day basis and further upset by people’s reaction to how he reacts.
To his cost, Quark has discovered that teenagers are supremely alive. They’re just bursting with life and growth. And hormones! They have an entire world of possibilities ahead of them — and don’t they know it. The world is their oyster. They still believe absolutely anything can happen. They’re invincible. He finds it weirdly exciting … in a scary kind of way.
But the desire he’d felt to break out of the teenage mould turned to irritation as he became increasingly baffled by the disorder of daily life. He couldn’t rely on a single thing being the same, or happening in the same way, or in the same order, from one day to the next. Instead, things went from bad to worse. That’s why he was secretly relieved when Mrs Griffin told him to just stop it. He did so, immediately and with an almost audible sigh of relief.
But then the scary-killer-monster thing happened.
She’s still shut away inside her head, questioning everything that’s going on, pushing him, tormenting him. It’s always a risk for her to come out fighting, yet she still does, every single day.
There’s no stability and order, even here, in the body that should long ago have gone the way of every other body he’d ever connected to.
His plan hadn’t worked even before her body blindsided him with hormonal overload. But then, instead of letting him wallow in pity, or suffer in helpless ignorance, she helped him. Just as she’d helped him several times before. This dichotomy confused him. He was bent on her destruction, so in a way it was natural for her to feel a degree of resentment.
She did, and frequently made him aware of the fact! Yet she didn’t give up hope. She didn’t give in at all. And she helped him almost as much as she hindered him. The girl was baffling!
Chapter 54
THE HERO INSIDE YOURSELF
This time of our lives is like one big fantasy, even without the odd alien invasion. We morph from one type of person into another — and sometimes back again — seemingly overnight. Anything can happen. Sometimes you just have to suspend disbelief at what’s happening to your mind and body. Life is already throwing the kitchen sink at us, so what’s happening to me is just a larger sink! What’s to fear, really? I say go for it. Believe and anything is possible!
Quark’s used the worst bits of being a teenager against me: the folly of fashion, the angst about others’ opinions, the self-doubt, fears and fantasies about the opposite (or the same) sex. We affirm our right to be a close approximation of an adult when it suits us, while maintaining the priceless fallback position of being immature when we need to explain away some of the silly or childish things we do. It’s a handy in-between state; being almost a grown up without having to take on all (or even any) of the responsibilities that come with age.
In return, I’ve used the best bits of adolescence to fight him. I’ve fought fire with teenage fire! I hope I’ve been true to myself in not just surviving, but in pushing back. After all, we live for a very short time, but we’ll be dead forever …
And I remember what Dad says: if you can face up to one single issue in your life and work your way through that, then you can do anything at all. You can achieve anything you set your mind to. Don’t run, don’t turn your back on it. There’s no need to panic, or see it as a big deal or “the end of the world as you know it” as he’d ironically put it — just imagine a series of manageable steps. Look at the problem and break it down one little bit at a time. Chip away at it. You don’t have to be brave to do this. Just fearless. I can do fearless. Can’t I?
So — here goes …
“At the moment, Quark, you’re in a state of flux; you’re neither one thing or another. You aren’t really a teenage girl. It’s like you’re just playing a game.”
“And you are neither alive or dead.”
“I may not be technically alive, but I’m sure as heck not dead … unlike every single individual you’ve ever met. Just how many beings have you killed?”
“I —”
“How many planets have you destroyed?”
Quark sighs, but surprisingly plays along, shoulders slumped. “A lot.”
“How many empty rocks have you pulverised?”
Another sigh. “A lot.”
“How many comets?”
“Is there a point to this?”
“How many meteors? How many moons? How many uninhabited planets?”
“I don’t know! Presumably you have a point?”
“Have you smashed enough?”
“Enough?”
“Yeah, you know — you said there couldn’t be too much stuff in the universe, otherwise the effects of gravity could cause everything to contract. And then the universe could implode.”
“That is correct.”
“So — in almost thirteen point eight billion years, how many planets have you destroyed? And comets and moons — and all the rest.”
“As I said, a lot.”
“If that’s the case, why keep smashing stuff up? Why not just let things be?”
“I am playing safe.”
“Safe? I don’t think that’s how the Strathairns or the Vicia would see it; or the — what was it? — the Gnarg?”
I feel my head nod, but Quark says nothing.
“I bet, given the opportunity, they’d have a different perspective.”
My body is slumped in a chair. Quark, exhausted by a long night with little sleep, being bombarded by turbulence from without and chemicals plus argumentative teenager within. I’ll leave him something to think about, to see how much he’s changed.
“Just consider that, Quark. Think about what you’ve done to all those people and how many more billion you’ll eliminate in the future if you continue with this hunch of yours.”
“Hunch? This is science!”
“You may think it is — and certainly the Big Crunch or whatever the collapsing universe concept is called, is an actual theory that actual live
scientists, rather than loose conglomerations of matter, spend time thinking about, but it’s just one theory. There are others. And no one suggests biffing a lot of stuff in case it causes the Crunch.
“But we’re both tired now, it’s the middle of the night, you’re all clean and fresh and relatively pain free — why don’t we get some sleep and talk about this tomorrow?”
“Are you going to leave me in peace now?”
“Don’t I always?”
“Do you ever?”
“Goodnight, Quark.”
“Good night, Daisy.”
Chapter 55
I WILL DO NO HARM
I’m sorry to say, but Quark wants to make a brief statement. And to be honest, there’s not a great deal I can do to stop him, is there …?
I am Quark — don’t be afraid! Don’t flinch or try to run away! Running would be a) pointless, as I mean you absolutely no harm; and b) pointless, as I’ll get you in the end, anyway.
Despite what you may have heard from certain people, I am NOT a raging homicidal maniac, or a death-dealing monster. I have been gravely misunderstood and have received an outrageously bad press. None of what has been said is fair or true. Unless it was me that said it, in which case it was both fair AND true.
In the past, I went to a planet and did the job I’m supposed to do: I destroyed it.
Now, I just linger here on Earth, within Daisy Jacobs. And I can feel her there, loitering inside with an intent so malicious it makes my head pound. It’s uncomfortable, knowing that she’s lurking, like a shadow or a poltergeist, waiting to strike out at me. She’s digging away at the foundations of my control, as the basis of humanity’s future teeters in the balance. I felt that twinge in my arm yesterday, felt the hand try to form a fist, but with the pain I was suffering, I was unable to prevent her from being so intrusive.
But she’s always there, in the background, undermining me. And her skulking presence is adding additional layers to my already multifaceted headache. She’s still there now, locked in a tiny corner of my mind, and I’m sure she’s agonising about the ‘pain’ I am inflicting, the ‘chaos’ I am causing in the lives of those who care about her! Yet I’m powerless to do anything about it.
To an extent, I understand her discomfort with the broad outline of my plan, but we all have a job to do, a role to play; in this case mine is to destroy and yours is to be destroyed. But I know that, given the opportunity, you’d all like to be at one with the universe — after all, getting back to nature is very much the ‘in thing’ now, is it not? And what could be closer to nature than actually being part of it? Think of the satisfaction you’d feel in those microseconds before your mass extinction, in knowing you were playing a fundamental role in helping to preserve the long-term future of the entire universe! Everyone wants to have a purpose in life and what greater purpose is there than knowing that, according to a vaguely understood theory (one of countless competing theories) that may or may not be proved to be correct (only the passage of a few billion years will prove this, one way or another), you may — just may — play a part (a very, very tiny part) in helping the universe to thrive and prosper?! I mean, wow!
You know, that last paragraph didn’t quite work out how I intended and I’m not entirely sure I sold my plan to you in the best and most effective way …
However, I hope I’ve convinced you to use your influence on Daisy. I’ve tried my best to help her see the light. I’ve even tried to make her popular, to make her stand out more from the crowd. Why didn’t that make her happy? At least they least notice her now.
***
“I don’t want them to like me. I don’t care.” Daisy interrupts Quark’s direct appeal — to your relief, no doubt!
“You like them not liking you?!”
“Yes! No. I —”
“Well?”
“I don’t like being disliked, but I don’t really care what other people think. I want the people I care about and the people I respect to approve of me and the way I live my life.”
“But these people are popular.”
“For the wrong reasons.”
“What reasons?” Quark’s confused.
“Those who try their best and respect other people — they’re worth my time, but —”
“But if someone gets into trouble because they are bored or they can’t be bothered to focus or they make a mistake or because they are having a bad day, they are not worth your time?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“You are a snob, Daisy Jacobs.”
“What! I am not —”
“You are. You think everyone has to be as clever as you are or as pretty as you are or as interesting and focused as you are. And you judge people if they don’t meet your standards.”
“What! Where’s this coming from? How can you possibly —”
“I am inside your head and you are constantly looking over my shoulder and judging me — just like you are always judging other people.”
“I’m not! I do my best to treat other people as I’d want to be treated myself.”
“You tend to ignore many of the people at your school and in your village.”
“Quark, you’ve got this wrong: it’s not possible to be friends with everyone; I don’t ignore people, I just spend more time with people I already know or with those I have something in common with. That’s what everyone does. If I meet someone new, I’ll talk to them and show an interest. This is how everyone lives their lives.”
“So you ignore others and don’t even try to talk to most people.”
“How did you get to that from what I said? Quark, there are well over seven and a half billion people in the world; you expect me to talk to them all?!”
“You think your dull little planet and your teeny little galaxy are things of such wonder? They’re not — it’s all just random chance.”
“Ah, I wondered where we were going with this; turns out you’re peddling the same old, same old.” Quark felt her sigh. “I disagree. I think Scuttleford is wonderful, and school is great and the world is amazing and the universe — and life itself — is simply astonishing, fantastic, glorious and beyond thrilling.”
“You have watched way too much of that evil David Attenborough!”
“And you’ve watched way too little,” she replies. “And you’ve been going round with your eyes closed all your life.”
“Strictly speaking,” Quark says, “I don’t have eyes. Or life come to that.”
“Well, with your metaphorical eyes closed. Life is amazing. And I’ll fight for mine — and for everyone’s. I’ll fight for my ‘dull’ little planet. And for my ‘teeny’ Milky Way too!”
You’d think Quark would be diminished, almost broken, yet there’s a quirk to Daisy’s lips and still the faintest sparkle in her eyes. Quark sighs, but there’s something that sounds oddly like — is that fondness in Daisy’s voice as he speaks? — “I know, Daisy Jacobs, I know you will.”
Chapter 56
DETENTE
It’s no good being mad at me, Quark, you may as well be mad with the whole universe you seem hell bent on protecting.”
“You are made of cells, yes?”
I sigh. “Okay.”
“Those cells come from other cells. One makes two, makes four, makes eight — etc, etc.”
“Okaaaay.”
“Every cell that is in you is made from other matter from other cells that existed before. Your life comes from other lives.”
“I do seem to remember an awful lot of ‘begetting’ from my RE lessons.”
“That’s right; cells beget cells, life begets life.”
“And your point?”
“You have always existed, Daisy. You’ll go on existing, just in a different form.”
“I quite like this form, thank you very much. Come back when I’ve finished with it and you can have it then.”
“Daisy, it’s not —”
>
“Hang on, why don’t you do that?”
“What?”
“Come back later,” I say, thinking that I’m onto something.
“But I’m here now.”
“Yes, but you’re not on a schedule, are you?”
“No, but —”
“Listen, Quark, there’s a lot of life on earth. We’re making a bit of a mess of it at the moment, I’ll grant you that, but we’ve only had a few hundred million years really, and modern humans are just barely getting started — only a hundred thousand years or so. That’s not even the blink of an eye to you.”
“Daisy, really, I’m only doing my job. Fulfilling my function.”
“Yeah, but no one’s checking up on you. No one’s keeping records. You’ll be back this way, won’t you?”
“Of course — in, oh, probably eight hundred million or maybe a billion or so years.”
“So, there you are.”
“Where am I?”
“Back here in a billion years. What’s that to you?”
“Well —”
“I won’t be here, and it’s quite possible that by that time there may not even be life on Earth. There’ll just be rocks and stones and … ‘stuff’ for you to hoover up. SLURP!”
My face had softened again after a day of Quark getting used to the new reality of life as a teenage girl. We’d talked for hours; just … talked. His smile on my lips now looks more natural. “For a little creature atop a little lump of rock that’s spinning at hundreds of miles an hour while hurtling round a ball of fire at thousands of miles an hour … you have not done too badly.”
“You are getting quite good at these compliments,” I say.
Daisy Jacobs Saves the World Page 24