by Foster, Lily
“Does Samantha know?”
“I don’t know,” she said, eyes cast down. “I’ll find out soon enough.” She was wringing her hands then. “What if I did sleep with him, Carolyn? My first time and I don’t even remember it?” She started crying again.
“It could be worse, Kerri.” I spoke from experience. “Really,” I said when she looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “It could have been someone like Chase, who wouldn’t think twice about telling the entire school and branding you a slut. Will Clarke won’t let you get hurt. I’m sure of that.”
She sniffled and nodded. “You’re right.”
“Are you sore?” I asked tentatively.
“No. If I’m not sore does that mean I didn’t do it?” Kerri asked, hopeful.
“I don’t know,” I lied. I was sore that next day, not terribly but enough to know that something had most definitely been there.
I wished that I could be a better friend to Kerri right now, to confide in her, share my shame to ease hers. Tell her that I knew how it could be so much worse. To give tacit consent to something you knew in your heart you didn’t want. To remain silent and nod your head like some dumb-struck imbecile when someone was pressing down on you, asking you if you wanted it, when you really wanted to scream.
To lose your voice—that was the worst way of all.
But I couldn’t be her friend. There was not one person I trusted with that secret. I decided before coming home that summer that I wouldn’t tell a soul…that I’d forget it ever happened.
But I could never forget.
This girl is a bitch, I thought to myself as I watched Samantha try and take pictures of her friend, passed out naked. Thankfully, I’d turned down every shot she’d tried to force feed me tonight. I was fairly sober compared to the rest of the fools at this party.
After erasing the pictures from Samantha’s phone, covering Kerri with a blanket and then locking Kerri and Will inside the room so no one could walk in on them, I left. I’d had enough. I’d had enough of Samantha trying to grind on me and slip her hands into my jeans, enough of watching the weekend warriors puke into the bushes, and enough of watching Drew feel up one of his girlfriend’s closest friends. Yeah, Mr. Perfect had been getting it on with Erica. In his defense, he was so messed up he probably didn’t have any recollection of it today.
Fuck that…there was no excuse.
It was times like this when I had the overwhelming sense that I just didn’t fit in. I guess one could argue that most people in my age bracket feel misunderstood, but I pretty much always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I didn’t want to drink myself into a stupor like these frat boys in training. I didn’t think half the shit they thought was hilarious was even worth a chuckle.
Walking up the pathway to Carolyn’s house on Sunday, I had a sudden, strong urge to hit something when I thought about her going out with that douchebag later on today. I wanted to turn around and go home, angry with her for being so clueless, and tormented because I knew what he was really like but I wasn’t going to tell her a goddamned thing.
The door swung open before I had a chance to knock. “Jeremy! What are you doing here?” Jeez, this kid was good for my confidence. He looked up to me smiling, like I was the sun and the moon.
“Thomas, my man. Heard you’re playing football this year, is that correct?”
“Yep and I’m a cornerback, just like you!”
“I’m gonna have to check out one of your games.”
“Really? There’s only two left so you should probably come this Saturday.”
“Oh. All right then, I’ll be there.”
“I’ll tell Zach, he’ll be stoked.” Without taking a breath, he asked, “You wanna see my iguana?”
“Sure but let me talk to Carolyn first. She’s helping me study and she might want to get started right away, ok?”
“Oh,” he said, disappointed.
“I really have to study, Tom. I have to work really hard just to pass my classes, you know?”
“Yeah, I get it. But you’ll stay after for a few minutes?”
“Yeah, promise.”
Thomas started yelling Carolyn’s name only to see her looking down at us, amused, from the upstairs landing. “We’ll study in my room, ok?” I nodded and started up the stairs.
“Jeremy said he’ll stay and see my iguana after so let me know as soon as you’re done, ok?”
“All right, Tom, I will,” she said, smiling at her brother. “But we have a lot of work to do, ok? No interruptions.”
“Got it.”
“He’s a great kid,” I said.
“He thinks you’re a rock star. I think he was jealous when my mom was telling my dad about how you came to my rescue last week when I was sick.”
I looked around her room as she went to get us settled at her long work table. There was an entire wall dedicated to her medals and awards from various science fairs and programs. “That’s my nerd wall. I’ve got to take that stuff down. Some of it’s from, like, eighth grade.”
“No, it’s cool that you won all this.” She snickered, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. “Really, Carolyn, it’s impressive.”
She had pictures on another wall, a collage of her with friends, some from Westerly, some I didn’t recognize. “Who are these kids?”
“That’s the group I worked with at Yale this summer and that group is from a summer camp program I used to attend. They’re all science buddies.”
“Do you feel like you have more in common with them than you do with your friends here?”
“Besides Kerri, I have nothing in common with any of my friends.” She put air quotes around that last word.
“I wonder sometimes why you hang out with them. You and Samantha? It doesn’t add up.”
She looked hurt then. “I’ve known Samantha since I was a toddler. We’re like sisters,” she said quietly, defensively. “And what about you and Samantha? To me, that doesn’t add up.” She mocked me, throwing my words back at me. “But you certainly seem to find her interesting.”
“Why would you say that?”
She let out an exasperated sound as she looked to the ceiling. “Please, you let her hang all over you at school.”
“I do?” I asked, amused.
“And from what I hear, you two had sooo much fun at her party on Friday night.”
“Oh, you heard that, did you?” Now I was pissed. “Did you hear that from your boy, Drew?”
“It’s not important,” she said, brushing me off.
“No,” I said, grasping her arm. “It is important because it’s not true.”
She looked at my hand on her arm and then looked to me, surprised. I let her arm go. “You weren’t with her Friday?” Carolyn asked.
“No, I’ve never been with her. Not for lack of effort on her part, though. What’s it to you anyway?”
She leaned against her wall and then sank down to the floor, landing on her ass. “It’s not my business, you’re right. I just…I think she’ll hurt you. Sometimes she can be—”
“A mean-spirited bitch?”
She rested her chin on her arms, crossed over her knees. She wouldn’t say it but she was nodding her head.
“I’m not into her, Carolyn.”
“Good,” she murmured into her knees.
I was so tempted to tell her everything that went down Friday night but she was a big girl—she had to figure it out on her own. “Ready to work?”
I was sitting in front of my easel in Figure Drawing. It met Tuesday nights at six, so that was my long day. After Carolyn tutored me, I spent around and hour weight training with the team and then I showered quick and made my way upstairs to the third floor studio. I loved it up there. Chuck Watters treated me like an adult, like a fellow artist. He was tough in the way he critiqued my work but I could take it. He made me better, much better.
Today we were drawing Laurent, some dude in his mid-seventies, I’d estimated. Every week it was someone d
ifferent: black, white, young, old, strong, feeble. Occasionally I got lucky; the model might be a female grad student from Yale or Fairfield in their twenties or thirties. It was all about technique but still, I’m a guy and gazing at a beautiful woman was a far superior way to pass the time.
Chuck was standing over me, critiquing my hand. “No, it looks too stiff here, you see?”
“The hands always give me trouble.”
“It’s the single hardest thing to master, Jeremy. You’ll get it.”
Just then the door opened, which never happened. School was pretty much deserted by that time and the third floor art studios were like no-man’s land to begin with. We were in our own little world up here with the door covered to protect the model’s privacy.
I was right by the door so I was the first to see Carolyn peek in, a happy, excited look on her face. She locked eyes with me and then her eyes followed mine as I instinctively looked to Chuck and then to the model. When I looked back, her mouth was hanging open and the paper she’d been holding dropped onto the floor. I jumped up and gave an apologetic look to Chuck as I grabbed the paper, ushered her out and closed the door behind us. “What the hell are you doing up here, Carolyn?”
“I…I…You draw naked people up here every week?”
“Yeah. What do you think figure drawing is?”
“I didn’t know. Wow. That’s pretty cool. You looked like the youngest person in there.”
“You got that from the nanosecond you spent in the room?”
“Yeah,” she said, laughing. “I’m pretty observant.”
“Ok, freak,” I teased. Seeing her laugh or smile always made me feel lighthearted. Carolyn was so beautiful when she smiled. “What was so important that you had to barge in and scare the poor old naked guy half to death?”
“Oh,” she said, innocently, “nothing, just…the ninety-two you got on your Physics test.” I took the now crumpled paper and stared at it in disbelief. “Jeremy, say something!”
I grabbed Carolyn and spun her around. I couldn’t contain it, I could hardly believe it. A ninety-two? Really? When I came to a stop, our faces were an inch apart. She was smiling, as happy as I was. “Thank you, Carolyn,” I whispered.
“It’s all you, Jeremy,” she whispered back.
I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to feel her close, her body pressed closer to mine. I think she wanted me to kiss her, too. It was probably no more than five seconds that we were positioned in that way, with our faces angled towards one another, but it felt like a lot longer. A million thoughts raced through my head but one stuck: she’s not mine. So I lowered her to the ground and backed away. “Really, Carolyn, thank you. I never would have gotten that grade without your help.”
“You’re welcome, Jeremy.” She looked sad suddenly. “I’m sorry I interrupted your class. Mrs. Parks saw me and shared your grade with me. I was excited. I got a little carried away.”
“No, it’s fine, really. I’ll see you Thursday?”
“Sure,” she said, turning to go. “I’ll see you then.”
The tension at our lunch table had been unbearable this week. It was just the four of us. Most of the guys were missing in action. Drew hadn’t come to the cafeteria once this week, complaining that he was swamped with work and was busy polishing up his essays for his back-up school applications. He’d already applied early admission to the U.S. Naval Academy.
By Wednesday, Samantha was ready to blow. “It’s kind of sad, huh, Kerri? You let Will Clarke screw you, without so much as even a pre-game conversation, and he hasn’t come within a mile of you since.”
Kerri looked to me, desperate. “Stop it, Samantha,” I said.
“Yeah, don’t be a bitch,” Erica spat.
“Oh, and don’t even get me started on you,” Samantha hissed back at Erica.
I didn’t know what that was about bit it must have been something bad because I never saw Erica back down so quickly.
“Fuck off, Samantha,” Kerri shot at her. “You’re so much better? Every time I turned around I saw you trying to grope Jeremy’s dick. You’re pathetic.”
“Do you think I’m jealous of you?”
“No, I think you’re just being a straight-up bitch.”
“I’m so not jealous, Kerri. If I wanted Will I certainly wouldn’t have to strip down naked and throw myself at him.”
“I don’t think he’d want you even if you stripped naked and dipped yourself in chocolate, Samantha. In fact, I’m pretty sure he despises you.”
“Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, Kerri, but all the guys know. They all know you give it up easy. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of dates now. Was that your goal?”
I gasped, “Samantha! What the hell? Shut. Up!”
I gathered up Kerri’s things and followed her as she ran out of the cafeteria and into an empty classroom. “She saw me. Will told me that she walked in on us and took pictures.”
“He knew?”
“Jeremy told him. Apparently Jeremy saw us. Fuck. He saw me naked too.”
She was head-down on a desk, her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs. I had nothing to say so I just rubbed her back. A few minutes later I asked, “Who has the pictures?”
She took a deep breath. “Jeremy erased them from Samantha’s phone.”
“So then Samantha was lying. All the guys don’t know.”
Kerri looked up at me and cocked an eyebrow. “Samantha knows so she’ll make sure that everyone we know finds out.”
“No she won’t. I’ll talk to her. Kerri, do you want me to get you out of here? I’ll cut with you.”
“No,” she said, sniffling. “I have a test next period. I’m not fucking up my GPA because of her.”
There was a knock on the door then and Will came into the room. He looked like crap—like he hadn’t slept for days. “Can I talk to you, Kerri?”
I nodded at Will and left the two of them. Later on Kerri called and told me that Will comforted her, apologizing again, and told her he’d deal with Samantha on her behalf. Will also told her that he explained what had happened to Tori—he felt he owed it to her. He assured Kerri that Tori wouldn’t tell anyone else. Tori was pissed but also knew how upset Kerri was about the whole thing. Kerri observed sadly that Will seemed upset and concerned about Tori most of all.
“I wish he did have a thing for me, Carolyn, because I swear, I don’t think there’s a better man on the planet.”
“Yeah, Will is a great guy. Drew loves him like a brother.”
“You’re lucky, Carolyn, and Tori’s lucky. I’d like to have someone…a good guy who cares about me. Drew looks at you like you’re everything, you know?”
“Yeah, he is great,” I agreed. And I did think Drew was great. Sometimes I wondered how he shouldered everything—football, maintaining a ninety-five-plus average, and especially living up to his father’s expectations.
That last time we went out to dinner with his parents, I made the mistake of asking Drew what his back-up school was, just in case he wouldn’t be heading to the Naval Academy. His dad retorted, “We don’t do back-ups. Drew will be in Annapolis at the United States Naval Academy.”
I found myself actually praying to God that night, pleading with the powers of the universe to make it so. If Drew didn’t get one of those few, coveted spots, I could only imagine the hell his life would be. Maybe it wasn’t entirely fair but I despised his father.
That night, when he’d taken me home, we sat in his car outside my house talking. He had a lot on his mind. He wasn’t himself. I wanted to comfort him. And if I was being totally honest, as shameful as it was, being around Jeremy had aroused some need in me. I led him inside, downstairs to the basement. The house was quiet. My parents typically turned in early and I knew Thomas was already in bed.
Drew sat on the couch and I stood in front of him. When I started to slip out of my dress, he rubbed his hands over his face roughly and told me to stop. “Not like this, Carolyn. Not tonight.”
Perfect.
That was the closest I ever came to telling him myself. I wanted to confide in him but something held me back. Something always did. It didn’t matter, though. What is it they say…everything comes out in the wash?
Everything would come out eventually…and my house of cards would fall.
The football season ended. My grades allowed me to play through the entire season, as well as playoffs. I could have ended the tutoring sessions with Carolyn but that would mean I wouldn’t have three hours a week with her all to myself. I wasn’t giving that up. I even asked her to add a Sunday here and there, under the pretense that I had some big exam to study for. I did have tests, and I did stand a better chance of doing well with her help, but I started to need those Sundays for other reasons.
The awkwardness was gone between us. Over the course of the past few months, we’d become friends—real friends. Talking to her was natural, easy…and I loved making her laugh.
A few Sundays, like that first time, we studied at her house. I liked being in her room, I’ll admit it. I liked sitting with my back resting at the opposite end of the bed from her, sneaking glances as I tried to concentrate on whatever I was struggling to understand.
On a few of those Sundays her mom asked me to stay for dinner, pleading with me when I hesitated, explaining that my presence would make Thomas’s week. I loved that kid. He was different but he didn’t seem one bit self-conscious or ashamed.
Sitting around their dinner table felt foreign in a way but it filled me with something good, like peace, and a feeling of want. It’s not like I didn’t have a really good relationship with my father, I did, but this was something else. Carolyn’s dad was smart, kind and funny, and it was obvious that he was still crazy about Mrs. Harris. You’d see him grab her hand, rubbing his thumb over her palm, or you’d notice the smiles and looks that were meant only for one another. Mr. and Mrs. Harris both had a great way with the kids, too. They gave their opinions but always asked what the kids thought, treating their ideas as if they held the same weight. It was no wonder that Thomas never believed he was limited or that there was something wrong with him. There was nothing but love and acceptance in this place. I’d find myself looking around the table, thinking that I’d like to have this, this life, someday.