by Foster, Lily
“That’s insulting. Are you stuck in the nineteen fifties or something? I have high expectations for myself that go far beyond being someone’s wife and popping out a few of his babies!” I shook my head in disbelief. “I cannot even believe we’re having this conversation.”
We didn’t speak for two days. When he called on the third day to apologize and to tell me his good news, that he’d been accepted at Annapolis, it was too late. The damage had been done and really, I’d made my decision long ago. “I’m so happy for you, Drew, I really am.”
“My parents are taking me out tomorrow night to celebrate. My grandparents are coming also. I want you there next to me.”
I took a deep breath and tried to still my nerves. My entire body felt stiff, readying itself, I guess, for his reaction to what I was about to say. “I’m so relieved you got in, Drew. I know how much you wanted this. I wish you all the very best, I do. And my decision really has nothing to do with our argument. I’m just…changing. I’m different and I don’t think we belong together anymore.”
What followed was three days of being bombarded by phone calls, visits and flowers. We rehashed the same conversation over and over. I asked him to tell me what it was that he loved about me. I tried to tell him that he loved this idea of me—not the real me. When he brought up the prom, I felt like a horrible person. “I can’t imagine being there with anyone else, Carolyn.”
I almost told him we should just go together but I held back. That was nearly three months away. I couldn’t pretend any longer. I couldn’t wait any longer.
I like to think of myself as a moral person. I’d never intentionally hurt another person and I would never cheat. But really, wasn’t what I’d been playing at these past several months as bad as cheating? I cared deeply for Drew but my heart beat for someone else entirely. If there is such a thing as one true love, I believed with a conviction that grew stronger every day that Jeremy was that person for me.
That following weekend I heard Drew had gotten trashed drunk and went home with Lara. Samantha called me first thing Sunday morning to relay the juicy gossip. I’m sure she loved every minute of that conversation, even as she tried her best to act the part of concerned and supportive friend.
Weeks passed with me and Carolyn continuing this dance around one another. I could see things had gone sour between Carolyn and Drew. Her confiding in me as we sat in the library one day after school only confirmed what I’d already figured out on my own. Was I happy about the break-up? Yes and no. Yes because I felt like I finally had a chance with her. But no because I had this feeling deep in my gut that it wouldn’t work. We wouldn’t work.
Me and Carolyn? It was too much to hope for.
She made me hope, though. Every time she laughed at something I said, every time she touched my hand, every time I caught her staring at me…I dreamt of it, I hoped.
“Why don’t you just nail her already?” Vanessa asked, barely able to rein in her nasty outlook on life in general.
“Pardon?” I teased, attempting to get Vanessa to lighten up.
“You fucking drool over her. She’d better be worth it. She better deserve you. If you’re letting some spoiled princess lead you around by your dick, Jeremy, then that’s just sad.”
“Carolyn said that you hated her. I guess she was right.”
“Hate her? I don’t give two shits about her. I just don’t want her messing with your head. And you, dumb ass, where exactly do you see this going? What happens to you when Madame Curie sets off to college?”
“I’m not with her, Vanessa. Drop it,” I snapped.
It was no use being mad at Vanessa. It would be like kicking a three-legged cat. She wasn’t angry at Carolyn, she was just angry in general.
Things had gotten even worse at Vanessa’s house. Her mother had a new loser of a boyfriend, one who made no secret of leering at Vanessa and giving her his unsolicited advice on how to snag a man. “Shouldn’t be a problem with a tight little body like that, young lady.” She imitated him, pressing a raisin over one of her front teeth to emulate his toothless, seedy grin. I laughed at her imitation, but really, that shit was not funny. When I begged her to just stay with me for a while, she declined. Her mother, as shitty a parent as she was, was someone Vanessa felt protective over. She didn’t trust that this asshole wouldn’t beat on her mother—she’d seen enough to suspect he was a nasty drunk. So she stayed. And if Vanessa needed to participate in some verbal lashing out to deal with her fury…then so be it.
I was angry, though, because Vanessa was saying out loud things that had been gnawing at me a lot lately. Was I good enough for Carolyn? She was going to college and probably graduate school after that. I assumed that one day she would be Carolyn Harris, Ph.D.
It wasn’t that I was down on myself—I had a good, solid plan for my future. I just didn’t know if Carolyn was the type of girl who could ever really be happy with a blue collar guy. I knew that she wanted me, that she cared about me. I felt it. But I just didn’t really trust in it.
So even after Carolyn told me that her and Drew were officially done, I didn’t dive right in. No one was using me…never again.
It was subtle, but I could feel the animosity rolling off of Erica and Samantha. “What were you thinking breaking up with Drew?” they’d ask, insinuating in their own endearing way that I’d never do any better. “What did he do?” Erica asked, fishing for details. My explanations didn’t satisfy either of them. Only Kerri would tell me that she never really felt deep down that Drew and I were right for one another.
There had been this obvious yet barely perceptible shift within our group. Erica, who’d always been outspoken and the only one of us who’d dare to put Samantha in her place, now seemed to have taken on the role of Samantha’s closest confidant. I felt like a third wheel in their presence. Even with Kerri, I felt like I’d lost that close bond. I was no longer in on the group texts to meet after school for a trip to the mall. “C’mon, Carolyn, you hate the mall,” Samantha would retort, clearly bored, when I’d call her out on it. I did hate the mall but I hated the feeling of being friendless even more. I wasn’t imagining it: the way they’d abruptly stop talking as I approached, the lukewarm reception I’d get when I suggested we do something. I was being frozen out.
Samantha plopped down at the lunch table Friday afternoon, a smug smile on her face. “My father asked me last night which color I liked best, red or black. Do you know what that means?”
“He wanted you to play checkers?” Kerri teased.
Samantha picked a grape off Erica’s tray and tossed it playfully at Kerri. Boy, she was in a good mood. “It means…he wants to know what color car I want.”
“I love your car. You want a new one?” I asked, baffled. Samantha was given a beautiful navy blue Audi coupe for her seventeenth birthday. It wasn’t even a year old yet. My parents didn’t exactly drive junkers but they weren’t car people and they were very careful and practical about money. I understood the whole argument about fancy cars being a waste, a depreciable asset, blah, blah, blah. But in the middle of February, sliding into Samantha’s heated leather passenger seat was nice.
She glanced my way for a fleeting moment. “I’m going to be eighteen,” she said, shaking her head as if she was repeating something obvious to a toddler. Then Samantha directed her attention back to the others. I was being dismissed again. “And,” she said, excitedly, “I’m sure he’s thinking I’ll need a convertible because I just found out I got into Miami!”
“Oh my God!” Erica gasped as she grabbed Samantha’s hands in her own. Wow, they’ve bonded, I thought bitterly. Wasn’t this the girl who’d given Samantha a smack down about only being able to get into a community college a few months ago?
“Congratulations, Samantha,” I said. I was happy for her. Getting into Miami was an accomplishment; that was definitely a reach school for her. “I bet you’re going to love it there.”
“What’s not to love?” Kerri said, smiling at
Samantha. “Sun, beach, a tan year-round. Michigan is sounding pretty crappy right about now.”
“So come with,” Samantha cooed, smiling at Kerri. “We could be roomies!”
“Right, my parents would freak. They met at Michigan, so I will attend Michigan and meet my husband there as well,” she said, smiling, as she raised her hand to her forehead in a crisp salute. “And on that note, I’ve gotta run,” she said, holding up her thumb drive. “I’ve gotta print out my English paper.” As she stood to leave she looked to Samantha. “When are you sending out your invites?”
“Yeah,” I chimed in, trying to be enthusiastic and supportive. “The big birthday is two weeks from today.” How pathetic, I thought to myself, I’m trying to worm my way back in. Back in…making an effort to get the girl I’d grown up with, my supposed best friend, to like me again. I felt like a loser.
“I’m just sending a text invite. And I’m letting people know that they are not to forward it. If I don’t invite you, do not come. That last party I had was ridiculous.”
With the mention of that last disastrous party, Kerri’s face fell and she left to go to the computer lab.
Erica nodded. “Totally. Some of the people who showed up from school…I just felt like asking them, ‘Who are you?’ This should be more intimate. Just the people we hang out with.”
“I agree,” Samantha answered. Then she looked pointedly at me. “What are we going to do about you and Drew that night?”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed loudly. “I mean, there’s not going to be like a hundred people there and you can avoid one another. There’s probably going to be no more than thirty or forty. Are you going to make it awkward?”
Hurt flashed through me. “Am I going to make it awkward? Would you rather I didn’t come?” I asked, incredulous. My mouth was probably gaping open as I waited for her to respond.
She rolled her eyes, annoyed with me. “Of course I want you there, Carolyn, but I don’t want Drew to feel bad. Can you blame me? The poor guy is heartbroken.”
“The poor guy has received blowjobs from no less than two different girls in the past week and a half. I think he’s surviving.”
Erica’s face twisted for a moment and then she huffed. “You can’t blame him, Carolyn. You dumped him. And who can fault him for getting some after spending the last year and a half with you, the last virgin on earth?”
I looked back and forth between the two of them. “Are either one of you my friend? It doesn’t really feel like it from where I’m standing.”
“Come on, Carolyn,” Samantha said on an exasperated breath. “Of course we’re your friends and of course you are coming to my party. It wouldn’t be March fourteenth without you. I don’t think I’ve had one birthday when you weren’t there helping me to blow out my candles. Just don’t get all emotional if Drew is with someone else, ok? It’s bound to happen.”
Samantha shot Erica a look then, to silence her before she spoke. Then Samantha looked back at me and said, “Now please, let’s just talk about something else. I’m so bored.”
Jeremy came up to me after lunch as I stood outside my classroom, waiting to be let in. “Hey, Carolyn,” he said, all chipper. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a paper. “Mrs. Quinn gave the quizzes back at the end of class. I got a hundred! I don’t even need you anymore.”
When I just stood staring straight ahead, Jeremy rubbed my upper arm and said, “Earth to Carolyn. Hey, what’s wrong?”
Apparently no one needs me.
“Carolyn,” he said, louder this time.
“What, Jeremy?” I snapped.
“What happened to you? Was it Drew?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine, really. Just…it’s been a weird day, that’s all.”
He looked at me skeptically. After a moment he said, “I’m not going to that senior athletic awards dinner thing. I really wasn’t into it and anyway, I promised Vanessa I’d help her with something tonight. Are you going?”
“No.”
“You’re not?”
“No,” I repeated, my tone clipped.
“Oh-kay,” he said, drawing out the word.
“I don’t want to see Drew. I don’t want to see any of them.”
“Are you sure you’re all right, Carolyn? I can tell Vanessa I’ll help her out tomorrow.”
“No, Jeremy, go help Vanessa.” I dragged out that last word and paired it with a face that I’m sure was pretty ugly and fifth grade juvenile for that matter.
“What have you got against Vanessa?”
“Oh, nothing,” I bit out sarcastically. “She just pretty much snarls at me every time I see her.”
“That’s just her way, Carolyn. Believe me, she has nothing against you.”
“Like I care?” I shot him a glare as I said, “Samantha? Erica? People I thought were my friends? Even Kerri. Kerri and I used to talk on the phone at least three times a day. This past week we talk only if I call her. Even she’s backing away from me…just because I’m not part of the perfect little couple anymore.” I shook my head. “I’ll be gone soon, far away from here.”
He backed away a step and said, “Yeah, you’ll be gone.”
I knew what I was doing. I was taking everything out on him. All of it: the sadness of being rejected by girls I thought were my friends, the loneliness that washed over me every day when I retreated to my isolated corner of the library, and the forlorn feeling I had—the fear really—that Jeremy didn’t feel anything for me.
I’d broken up with Drew a while ago and Jeremy still hadn’t made a move. Nothing had changed. He treated me the same but I couldn’t help but feel abandoned. He was the only one who knew everything, the only one who really knew me, and I craved his attention, his nearness, his warmth. The fact that he wasn’t making any sort of move to claim me, well, it made me fretful and…furious.
“What do you care if I’m gone? You don’t come over on Sundays anymore…you hardly talk to me. I think telling you everything about that summer was one big ass mistake.” I pushed hard at his chest. “Do I disgust you now, Jeremy? Not so interested now that I’ve tainted your picture of sweet, innocent Carolyn Harris? Thanks for that, asshole,” I spat as I pushed him again.
Jeremy dragged me into an empty classroom across the hall and then towered over me as he backed me against the wall, caging me in with his hands. “Hardly ever talk to you? Are you kidding me? I’ve been giving you space, sweetheart,” he hissed. “You think it’s been easy for me? You told me all that shit and then the next day I had to watch you walking through the hallways hand in hand with Drew? I had to watch him kiss you at lunch?” He shook his head. “Are you that self-centered?”
I hung my head and fought back the urge to cry. Please don’t you leave me too, I silently pled. After a minute, I muttered, “I’m sorry.”
He lifted my chin with his finger. “You could never disgust me. I’ll never back away from you. Listen to me. I’ll never not want you. I know you don’t like the word, but you are perfect to me, Carolyn.”
“You want to be with me?”
He kissed my lips once, softly. “Always have and always will.”
Jeremy came by that night at around ten-thirty, after he finished helping Vanessa do whatever it was she needed to do. After what Jeremy had said to me today, I didn’t feel the need to have a status update on his relationship with Vanessa. I did trust him and Lord knew I needed a friend. “I’m sorry, is it too late? Will your parents be pissed?”
“Are you kidding? Aside from me, this house shuts down at nine-thirty, no matter what day of the week it is. Unfortunately, that means they all wake up at six, no matter what day it is.”
“How are you doing?” he asked as I ushered him down to the basement.
“I’m better now.”
“Me too,” he said, squeezing my hand as I pulled him down next to me on the couch. “But I wanna know how you’re really doing. What’s Drew been like about the whole thing?”
“You would know better than me. He hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks. He passes by me in the hallways like he doesn’t even know me.”
“He’s been drinking a lot.”
“And hooking up a lot from what I hear.”
“Does that bother you?”
I thought about it for a minute. “Yes and no. In a way, I’m relieved. If he’s with someone else then he can’t lay that burden of sadness at my feet. But I think it will sting when he moves on, when I see him with his arms around someone else. I don’t want him, though. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“I was looking at the calendar today. It’s so weird thinking that we’re going to graduate in exactly three months.”
“I can’t wait,” Jeremy said.
“I guess I’m looking forward to it.”
“Did you make any decisions yet?”
“It’s between Yale and UPenn. I’m leaning towards Yale.” I looked up at him, hoping he understood that I was trying to tell him I would be here, that I’d be around.
“New Haven, huh?”
“Forty-five minutes away.”
“I think I could make that drive occasionally,” he teased.
“Occasionally? You’re a real prince,” I said, scooting my butt a few feet away from him on the couch.
“Would you want me there?” he asked, effortlessly drawing me back and plopping me onto his lap.
“You know I would,” I said, feeling shy and exposed.
“How would I know that, Carolyn?” he asked, nuzzling my neck.
“You know I’ve wanted you since that first day at the lake—for way longer than that, really.”
“I wanted you too. I thought about you pretty much every day. I had a vision of you in that blue checkered bikini. That’s my favorite, by the way.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Mmmhmm,” he murmured, nodding his head before he brought his lips up to mine and kissed me. His lips were soft. I’d never been kissed like this. He took my bottom lip just between his and then his tongue licked and pressed its way in to meet mine. Jeremy was a good kisser. Like, so good he could give doctoral level classes on the subject.