by Foster, Lily
“Maybe she is missing you.”
I shook my head. “She’s not. I’m pretty much on the outs with all of them. I’m not going to act all tough girl and say I don’t care because I do care. It hurts.”
“I never got it. She messes with you, cuts you down. It’s fairly obvious that she’s jealous of you.”
I snorted. “No, I’m pretty sure she’s one of the most confident girls on the planet.”
“An act. She’s jealous, angel. She cuts other people down to feel better about herself. She always did, even when we were younger.”
“I remember once, in fifth grade, she told me you liked that girl, Mindy. I was so pissed. Even then I didn’t want to think about anyone else with you.”
“Aw that’s cute,” he said, teasing, as he kissed my nose.
I shook my head, sad again. “I hate that I’ve tolerated her put-downs for so long. It’s hard because I have so many good memories with Samantha. It’s hard to imagine that she doesn’t want what’s best for me, you know?”
“Not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime, Carolyn. Only the true ones are.” He paused and wiped a tear from under my eye. “Now come here,” he whispered.
Jeremy eased me back onto the couch in my basement and kissed me as his body covered mine. He felt strong, his upper arms flexing with the effort of keeping himself raised above me. I didn’t want any space. I ran my hands down his back and stopped at the lower curve, urging his hips closer. He pulled his face back a few inches and kept his eyes fixed on mine as he lowered his hips to my body. I couldn’t help but raise my hips up to press against him and I think I actually moaned when I felt him, hard and rigid, the jeans we both wore doing nothing to lessen the feeling. “Carolyn, slow down.”
“I’m trying,” I said as I pulled his face down to kiss him, my body rising again to meet his. I wanted to lose myself in him. I wanted to touch him and I wanted him to touch me.
“I want you, Carolyn, so much that it’s killing me to stop.”
“Don’t stop,” I pled. I felt frustrated for a moment and a little foolish. Wasn’t it the guy who usually pushed and the girl who begged off?
“I’ve got to, angel.” He sat up then and took me with him so that I sat straddling him. I let out a breath and rested my forehead against his as he rubbed circles on my back. Those feelings of frustration ebbed, replaced by gratitude. Jeremy cared deeply for me. I knew that and was thankful for it. Also, he’d said something that night that came back to mind now. Something about his needing everyone to know that I was his. I understood. He was protecting himself. Up until now I’d wanted to keep what we had private. I was afraid of the backlash, afraid of the judgement, and afraid of hurting Drew even more. Sadly, I thought, Jeremy might be apprehensive, scared that I was going to hurt him. This big, fearsome, tough guy was afraid I was going to break his heart.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I whispered, “I wish you could be my first, Jeremy.”
He kissed me softly again. “I wish you were mine, too. You were the first girl for me, though, Carolyn. I think you’ve had a piece of my heart since I was twelve.”
Even though I knew that wasn’t a true declaration of love, emotion took over as I thought of Jeremy as a boy and thought of the hours I spent daydreaming—a silly little girl hung up on a boy. I was still hung up on him. The thought made me smile. I kissed him before breaking away and saying, “Well I’ve got you beat then. I’ve pretty much been dreaming about our wedding since fifth grade—ever since you came to my rescue that day.”
“I wonder what ever happened to Trent.”
“He’s at Exeter or some other some other arrogant-ass-in-training prep school. He left after eighth grade.”
“Chase Sterling reminds me of Trent.”
I stiffened at the sound of his name. “Yeah,” I muttered. Jeremy didn’t cue in to my unease.
“Fifth grade,” he said, his lips curving up slightly. “I used to love listening to you read back then, Carolyn. You had the sweetest voice. I’d imagine you were reading just to me, you know?”
I smiled but my eyes were sad, imagining Jeremy sitting in class, too big for that desk, struggling. “I wish it hadn’t been so hard for you. It kills me to think of what you went through. And all that time, Jeremy, I never knew that you’d lost your mother so young. I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, I think those early years would have gone a lot smoother for me if she was around.”
“What was she like?”
“She was pretty and really kind,” he said, smiling up at me. “You remind me of her, I guess because the clearest memory I have of my mother is her reading to me or teaching me.”
“I saw the picture at your place, the one of you on her lap and your dad with his arms wrapped around her. They looked like they were so in love.”
“I guess so, if my dad falling apart after she died was any indication of that. I think he found it really hard to go on without her. He does have a girlfriend now, though.” He laughed. “It only took him little over a decade.”
“Yeah?”
“That’s part of the reason I moved to the bachelor pad upstairs. When she comes over—I mean she’s really nice and all, but it just feels cramped.”
“I thought you moved up there so you could bring your women home,” I teased. After a moment I worked up the nerve and asked, “Have there been a lot? I mean, I won’t judge. I really have no right to even ask you that.”
He looked at me dead on. “You do have a right to ask me. There have been a few…three in total. No one I’d call special. Most times I felt like I was either being used or using them. I’m not gonna lie, physically it was good for me but there’s an emptiness to that, you know?”
“Can I ask who your first was?”
“Taylor.”
I burned with jealousy at the sound of her name but then met his eyes again and asked, surprised, “Just last year? She was your first?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I’m not as worldly as you think I am.”
“What was it like with her?”
He held me, twisting his fingers gently through my hair, looking far off. “She was experienced and I wasn’t. I mean it was good, but with Taylor—with every girl I’ve been with, really—they were all…It’s hard to explain except to say that I missed out on that young lover experience.” He smiled shyly. “You know? Two people who take it slow and kind of discover all of that good stuff together? I was never in love with Taylor, Willow, Beth—”
I cut him off. “Enough.” I put a finger in each ear. “I don’t want to know their names.”
“It’s always been you, Carolyn.” He looked at me, uncertain. “I know it sounds pathetic but I was fixated on you…all that time when you were with Drew. I almost can’t believe I have you now, that you’re mine.”
I regretted every minute that I’d been with Drew. “I wish that I’d been yours all along.” I kissed his lips gently and said, “I’m yours, Jeremy. I want everything with you.”
I woke up that next morning, blissed out on thoughts of Jeremy, his kisses and the sweet words he’d said to me. That contended feeling was short-lived though, as a paralyzing sense of fear crept over me.
Chase had been at Samantha’s party last night. Had he told everyone my secret? I booted up my laptop and went onto Samantha’s page. Of course she already had loads of pictures up. Samantha surrounded by a gaggle of well-wishers. She managed to have one snapped as she sat in Will’s lap. That one made me laugh because Will was looking over his shoulder, clearly uncomfortable. She’d probably timed it, plopping into his lap the moment before Erica snapped the photo. There was another with Samantha on Chase’s shoulders, laughing uproariously. The comments gave nothing away—the party was epic, love ya, happy birthday—nothing alluded to me. I let out a breath. When I went to Erica’s page, my stomach dropped. Her page announced her new profile picture, one where she was sitting on Drew’s lap, his arms wrapped around her waist, the two of them smiling at
one another. Her relationship status read: So far, so good.
What. The. Fuck?
I picked up the phone and called Kerri. It was early, too early. Kerri sounded groggy and then somewhat annoyed. “What’s so important that you needed to wake me up at eight in the morning on a Saturday?”
“I’m sorry, Kerri.”
“Is this about Erica?”
“Yeah. Is she with him?”
She hesitated. “What did you see?”
“A post on her page. A picture of her and Drew looking cozy.” I felt sick. “I’m not jealous, Kerri.”
“You’re not?” Kerri asked, sounding as if she didn’t truly believe me.
“No. I just feel betrayed. Samantha, Erica…even you, Kerri. I feel like you’ve all dropped me.”
“I haven’t!” she said defensively. “It’s just hard, Carolyn. Will has been telling me how messed up Drew is over this whole thing. I just feel bad for him.” She added quickly, “I’m still your friend.”
“Will has been confiding in you? Since when?” I challenged. That was my bad. I knew how she felt about Will and now her back was up.
“What? Is that so unbelievable? Will Clarke couldn’t possibly be interested in me?” She let out a huff. “You know what, Carolyn? I’ve been the only person defending you to everyone. What a joke.”
“Kerri, wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just…I just feel like I’m all alone lately.” I sounded pathetic, even to my own ears.
After a moment, she said, “You’re not alone. Yeah, Samantha and Erica are fair weathered friends, they always were, but I’ll always be your friend, Carolyn.”
“I know. I’m sorry I acted like a jerk.”
“Me too.”
“So how was the party, really?”
“Samantha was the belle of the ball. I think I posed for one picture with her and then she pretty much didn’t even know I was there. For some reason she’s all besties with Lara lately.”
“Sharing blow job tips, maybe?” We both laughed. “So if Samantha didn’t get her hooks into Will and Jeremy wasn’t there, who was the lucky guy?”
“How did you know Jeremy wasn’t there?”
“I saw him yesterday. He said he wasn’t going.” I left out the part about him being at my house, making out with me in my basement.
“Oh.” She gasped then, as if she’d just remembered something really important. “Holy crap! How’s this for weird? Chase was asking about you. He wanted to know where you were and…he wanted my advice on asking you to the prom.”
My stomach sank into my sneakers. “I’d rather drink bleach.”
“That’s what I thought. What would even make him think about you that way? I’m not saying anything negative about you, Carolyn. I’m just saying that it’s weird, right? He’s Drew’s teammate and he knows Drew is a hot mess right now. Why would he do that?”
I knew why he would do it—to inflict pain and suffering on someone else…on me.
I wanted to change the subject—change it to anything other than Chase. “I really hate hearing that Drew isn’t doing well. I care about him. I just don’t want to be with him. I shouldn’t be angry about Erica. If she makes him happy then that’s what’s important.”
Kerri laughed. “Erica make Drew happy? Come. On. The only reason he’s willing to let Erica grind in his lap in public is so that it will get back to you. Will told me he cries over you, Carolyn. Actual freaking tears! He feels like he lost the love of his life and he feels like a failure. He’s drinking every night.”
“It’s so hard to believe that, Kerri. When I see him in school he acts as if he doesn’t even know me. He’s so cold. He seems so angry with me.”
“Hate and love…There’s a fine line, right?”
“Should I talk to him?”
“I think I would if I were in your shoes.”
On Monday morning I looked for Drew at his locker. No luck. I contemplated looking for him in the lunchroom but decided against it. I was still avoiding that scene. When I saw him leaning against his car after the last period bell, I decided to bite the bullet. “Got a minute?”
He looked at me with cold indifference. “Got all day.”
I shook my head. “Look, Drew, I just wanted to talk, to see how you are. You act like you don’t know me anymore and that’s ok…Whatever you need to do. But I just wanted to know if you’re all right. We’re not together but I still care about you. I always will.”
He leveled me with the iciest sneer. “Who are you kidding? You wouldn’t care if I put a bullet through my head.”
I fell back a step, stunned. “How could you say something like that?”
“Just calling it as I see it,” he said, shrugging.
“I want only good things for you, Drew.”
“Walk away, Carolyn,” he said, making a condescending shooing motion with his hand. “I’m not interested in this bullshit sympathy routine.”
Fuck him, I thought angrily, as I made my way back into school, head down. My locker was right by the entrance and I needed to grab my physics notes. I would have gone without had I noticed who was waiting for me. Yes, I had company. “What was that, Carolyn? Attempting a reconciliation?”
Erica’s look was threatening. Samantha was standing behind her sporting a look that said: What? I’m innocent here. I have no idea what’s going on.
I opened my locker, trying to look bored and unaffected as I retorted, “Rest easy, Erica. I was not looking to get back with my boyfriend, whom I dated for over a year. You know, the one you had no problem digging your claws into?”
“He came after me, sweetheart, not the other way around.”
I slammed my locker shut and faced off with her. “So then be with him. I hope you make one another happy. Take that back…I hope you make him happy. I don’t really give a shit about how you feel, Erica.”
Samantha gasped. “Carolyn, is that really fair?”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean…” she looked back and forth between me and Erica.
I felt like saying: Come on, honey, we all know whose side you’re on. This faithful friend playing the role of mediator-act was a pathetic farce.
“I’m just saying, Erica didn’t cause this…you did. You can’t be mad at her for comforting Drew when he needed it.”
I threw my head back, exasperated. “Why don’t we just quit pretending we’re friends?” I looked back to Samantha and held her gaze. “You don’t like me, admit it. And I don’t like you. There, I said it.”
Samantha affected her best hurt look as Erica’s mouth dropped open. Erica looked like a stupid fish but recovered quickly. “I told you, Samantha,” she said, as she put an arm around her shoulder. “It’s all an act. Underneath it all, she’s an icy, cold bitch.”
I was shaking after the two of them walked away. I stood there for a long time, until the hallways had completely cleared. It was official, I’d succeeded in completely alienating myself. Kerri wasn’t even a sure thing. Once she got wind of this latest fiasco, she’d have to pick sides. Even though she said we’d be friends forever, I wasn’t counting on it.
“What’s up, baby?” He pressed his hips right into my back suggestively. My skin went clammy and cold in an instant.
“Stay away from me, Chase.”
“Stay away from my girl?” he teased.
“Are you delusional? I’ll never be your girl.”
I tried to get him to back off by throwing my shoulder into him but he gripped my hip then and leaned in to tug on my earlobe with his teeth. He whispered, “Hat Trick Henley. Remember him?”
I turned quickly and pushed him back with both hands. “What, Chase, are you threatening me? I have to get with you or else you’ll tell everyone about your sick friend? His hat trick? Three young girls he practically raped?”
He furrowed his brow and touched his index finger to his chin, lost in deep thought—a real fucking sadistic philosopher. “Three girls? Greg never mentioned that.
He only spoke fondly of you, Harris. The hat trick was the three ways he had you.”
I was momentarily confused and then I froze. Chase reached down and thrust his hand up, hard and swift, cupping me roughly between my legs before releasing his hand. “I have to say, Harris, at first I didn’t think you had it in you. But I actually can picture you, bent over begging, taking it in that sweet ass. I’ve beaten off to that image every night this week.”
I reached up to smack his face but he was faster and stronger. He grabbed my wrist, pressed his face in close and crushed his lips against mine. He pushed me back a few seconds later, turned and sauntered out the double doors, even having the nerve to whistle a tune—not a care in the world. I wiped the back of my hand roughly across my mouth as I attempted to catch my breath.
When I looked up, I saw someone standing at the other end of the otherwise deserted hallway. Great. He was making his way towards me now. Double great. Could this day get any worse, I thought, when I was finally able to make out Will Clarke approaching.
“What’s up, Carolyn?” he asked cautiously.
I just shook my head and looked down. I couldn’t face him. Chase had succeeded—I was now wracked with shame.
“Are you all right? I was far away but from way back there it looked like you were kissing Chase Sterling.” He cocked his head to the side, legitimately puzzled, and said, “But I can’t believe you’d do that. Is he bothering you?”
“I can handle it and I was not kissing him, ok?” I snapped, frustrated. “All I need is for Drew to hear that.”
“I’m not saying anything to Drew. He’s got enough shit to deal with.”
I looked up to the ceiling, shaking my head, fighting back tears. “It’s all me, right? I’m the evil bitch who broke up with him.”
He gently took my shoulders. “No one thinks that, Carolyn. I don’t think that. I’m not going to sugar coat it for you—he’s miserable without you. But it’s not just you, it’s his dad…all the pressure…all of it.”
“His dad should be happy,” I said, confused. “Drew got in.”
Will shook his head. “Mr. Oliver’s an asshole but there’s no telling Drew that. Drew got in but his dad hasn’t stopped reminding him that he didn’t get in on his own merit. That he didn’t really earn it. Calls had to be made,” he said in a ridiculously stern voice, mimicking Drew’s father, “favors had to be called in.”