by C. A. Harms
“I think home sounds perfect.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Whitney asks as she sits in the driver's seat behind the wheel of her Ford Fusion. “Sadie and I can go in and pack everything for you.”
“I’m good.” I glance over and give her a reassuring smile, then take a look over my shoulder at Sadie and find her watching me closely. I’ve noticed lately she looks tired, maybe even stressed. I worry about her, how she’ll fend in the city without Whitney and me around. Granted, she lived here long before us, but for the last couple years, the three of us have always been together.
“But I know that I need you both with me too.”
Sadie places her hand on my shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. “We wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
After a few more minutes we all climb out of Whitney’s car and move toward the front door of my apartment building. This place holds nothing but bad memories, first with Nate then with Jake. Every time I think of his name I catch myself. It isn’t even his name, yet calling him anything else feels wrong.
I really want to forget this place even exists, but to do that I need to get all my things and move on.
When I place my key inside the lock and twist the handle I’m met with the familiar scent of cinnamon. After Nate left, I did all I could to rid the place of the smell of his cigarettes, among other things. Cinnamon candles, potpourri, you name it I used it.
But as I move through the small space I’m hit with the memories of my last nights here. Nights that were spent with Jake, the smiles, and laughter mixed with the fact that we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. The knowledge that all the words he spoke were nothing more than lies makes me feel sick to my stomach. The reality is that he is a Gunther; that alone speaks for itself. They are dangerous and know no limits.
I shiver involuntarily as I hear in my mind the low whisper of his brother's words.
“We don’t have to do this today.” Whitney steps up to my side, obviously aware of the discomfort I’m feeling. I can’t miss the concern in her eyes. “We’ve still got time to clean things up before we leave.”
We are waiting it out until her lease is up so she can get her deposit back. Thankfully that is only another few weeks. I’m not sure I can take much more than that.
“I’m okay.” I’m not okay, not even close, but I refuse to let the fear overtake me any more than it already has. “Let’s just get this over.”
The three of us move around the apartment, gathering the small number of things I have. I used to hate that my place always felt so empty. But now I am thankful; it means I have very little to worry about moving.
Going back to Ankeny will be a fresh start, or so I hope. I want to forget everything about Chicago because nothing good ever came of my years here. I knew nothing would.
Chapter Fourteen
Jake
Pretending to be okay with what my family has done to Blair is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Each time I see my brother or hear his voice I want to make him pay. I want to destroy him and make him beg for forgiveness. Then just when he thinks he’s been granted what he’s pleading for, I would end it all. All while my father watches, then I’ll turn on him too.
The anger and need for revenge is eating me alive. It’s making me no better than them, but it’s all-consuming and I feel like there is no way out.
That need only grows stronger as I sit in my vehicle a few cars down from the front entrance of Blair’s apartment. Watching her and the girls carry out one box after another of what I assume are her belongings only makes the emptiness inside me feel stronger.
I should feel shameful that I’ve been following Whitney around for days now, but she is my only connection to Blair’s whereabouts. I’ve held out hope for the chance to talk to her, only she never left Whit’s place. Not until today, but she left with escorts, and I know Whitney, for one, won’t allow me to get within a foot of Blair.
I also want to hold up my end of the deal and leave Sadie alone, but again I am selfish. When it comes to Blair, I can’t.
Me: Is she moving in with Whitney? Or getting a different place?
I wait, my thumb drumming against the steering wheel with agitation and impatience. I wait for the bubbles to appear, only they don’t.
Me: Have you told her yet about your alter ego?
It’s a dirty dig, but in desperate times, you do what you have to do.
I look up just as Whitney exits the front doors of the apartment building carrying a small box in her hands. She walks toward her car, pops the trunk and carefully lowers the box inside. When she closes the trunk, she looks around and for a minute she pauses staring in my direction. My body tenses and I slouch down in my seat further, hoping that the tint on my windows hides me well enough. I’m not driving my car, but one of my father’s. Having my pick of his fleet has come in handy because driving my own vehicle would have announced my presence.
When she turns back toward the apartment I feel relief wash over me just as my phone vibrates, indicating a message.
Sadie: She’s moving.
Vague, and I find myself chuckling as I picture her. She actually thought I’d be happy with that response, but she really should know better by now.
Me: Good start, but I know that already. Where?
Again I am met with a silence that only further aggravates me. I am just about to send a follow-up message when the bubbles appear, indicating Sadie is responding. My patience is thin, not just with this, but with everything. I’ve been riding on the edge of igniting for days, humming with rage.
Sadie: I can’t tell you that.
I grip my phone tighter, feeling my chest grow tight and my breathing become ragged.
Me: Are you sure about that?
Sadie: Yes.
My hand is on the handle of the car door before I can comprehend my movements. I step out onto the sidewalk, my feet moving with purpose. Looking down at my phone, still held firmly in my hand I see the bubbles reappear, making me stop in the middle of the walkway.
Sadie: Threatening me isn’t gonna work anymore. You don’t have to tell her what I’ve done, I’m going to tell her myself. She deserves better, better than you and better than me. She’s already been hurt enough.
I feel my body sag in defeat as I read over the words she sent. She’s right, but it doesn’t make accepting this as the end any easier. I should walk away and let Blair leave. I should forget her and the short time we shared. But I can’t. I’ve had a taste of what the sweet life could be with a girl like Blair and I want it. Fuck, I want it more than I can control. It’s like desperation and no matter how hard I fight it, I can’t rid the desire from my mind.
Now I have to do whatever it takes to get it back. To get her back and to right the wrongs I’ve committed.
Chapter Fifteen
Blair
I stand in the doorway of my apartment; the only remnants of anyone ever living here are the bed and the couch. They are both run down and full of nothing but moments I want to forget. I don’t want either of them. I’ll get new ones once I’m settled.
With one last deep breath, I turn around to face my friends and say goodbye forever to this chapter of my life. They both smile at me, but I can see Sadie’s smile is forced and again that bothers me. There’s been this sadness about her, this emptiness that makes my heart hurt for her. She’s always been the girl to make all the wrong choices, the first one to jump without looking to see the place she’ll land first. She is sporadic and spontaneous; on most occasions that gets her into trouble in the end.
But this time is different. Whenever her eyes meet mine, she looks away, almost like seeing me hurts too much to bear.
“Are we ready?” Whitney asks as she wiggles her car keys before her. “Ready to let go of this black hole and start over?”
“More than ready.” I step toward her and immediately I’m taken into a hug. Sadie stands back allowing us our moment, but I refuse to let her isola
te herself. Reaching out I hook her shoulders with my outstretched arm and pull her in as Whitney securely holds us all in one big hug.
We share a silent moment before we part and all walk together toward the elevator. Again Sadie looks at the ground or toward the wall each time I attempt to make eye contact. A heavy weighted feeling hangs in my chest, a fear I can’t quite explain.
When we step outside and begin descending toward the sidewalk, she slowly fades away until there are more than a few feet between us.
Reaching the passenger side of the car I notice her, paused at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes searching the street from one side to the next. Her hands are held out before her as she continues to wring them nervously.
“Sadie.”
Her body actually jerks in surprise to the sound of my voice. Her gaze lifts to see my own and that’s when I see it. Her eyes are reddened and glossy, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. Whitney is the first to move toward her, only Sadie holds out her hands, shaking them frantically, her head whipping from side to side.
Both Whitney and I begin searching the streets too, looking for what may have frightened her somehow.
“I can’t do this anymore.” Sadie cries out as she hangs her head in defeat.
“Do what?” Whitney and I share a confused look, and the longer we stand there the worse my stomach tenses. Something is wrong; I’ve never seen Sadie act this way. She looks lost, scared even.
“I’m sorry, Blair.” When she lifts her head up and her gaze meets mine, I feel like my stomach drops to the ground at my feet. “I just wanted to try it once, I thought it’d be a wild experience. I never expected to get the hook after just one try.”
Even though I suspect I know what she is referring to, I refuse to believe it. Sadie isn’t that stupid.
“I showed up at your place and you weren’t home yet. Nate was sitting around with a couple guys and when they offered I didn’t say no.”
“Sadie,” Whitney whispers her name but she doesn’t take her eyes from me. I can already see it in her eyes that there’s more.
“It all happened so fast.”
“What did?” My shoulders and back are tense. I think I may have even been holding my breath.
“It’s almost like I closed my eyes for only a second and when I opened them it was already over.” I can visibly see her throat bob as she swallows hard. “I should have stopped it then, but I couldn’t. I needed more and he offered it to me.”
“But there was a price, wasn’t there?” The sour feeling in my stomach makes my mouth water as I try to fight off the nausea. “Something other than money?”
She nods.
“So not only are you a junkie, but you’re a whore too.” She flinches at my words, and maybe they are harsh, but here I am looking into the eyes of one of my best friends and she is telling me something I never thought I would ever hear from her. “You fucked my boyfriend to get a free high.” Tears fall over her cheeks. “Then you pretended to be my friend. Every time you were with us, you acted as though you weren’t screwing each other behind my back.”
“It was like I couldn’t control it.” She sobs as she steps toward me. “I’m sorry Blair, but I can’t keep up this charade. I can’t keep getting threats of outing me, making me do things I don’t want to do.”
“What?” I narrow my eyes at her as my voice rises a few notches. “What do you mean threats?”
A few very long seconds of silence pass between us, my irritation only growing stronger and deeper.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“The fact that we walked into Miller’s that night, or that you ended up with a job there was not a coincidence.” I feel like she kicked me hard in the stomach and I was now looking at a complete stranger. “When I got involved with Nate, I also got involved with Gabe.”
“Gabe who?”
“Cyrus’ brother.” An uncontrollable sob escapes me. “They threatened me, but I never once thought they would hurt you, Blair. That wasn’t part of the deal. Had I known—”
“How could you not have known that they’d hurt me? They are awful people, Sadie—cruel, cold, and vengeful people.” She tries to stop my rant but I lunge at her only to be caught by Whitney. “You threw me to the wolves, you stupid bitch.” My words echo off the buildings around us. “You were all part of this sick game to destroy me and you want forgiveness?”
“Blair…” Whitney attempts to control my outrage but at this point, nothing will stop it. This is days of fear and terror, days of anger and frustration all being poured at the feet of a person I thought I could trust.
A person who violated me right alongside of Gabe Gunther and his sidekick, even if she wasn’t present. She played her hand in this sick game.
“Fuck you, Sadie.” She hangs her head and has the nerve to appear hurt by my words. “I loved you, I trusted you.” I took in a deep shuddering breath.
“Blair.” This time it isn’t Whitney or even Sadie that says my name. It is a deep baritone, one that at one time I longed to hear as it whispered in my ear in the darkness of my bedroom. But that time is over. The only thing Jake reminds me of now is a time I just want to forget.
I twist in Whitney’s arms and find him standing only a few feet away. I relax in Whitney’s embrace, but only long enough to gain the strength I need to break free. It happens so fast, my body jerks, her arms part, and Jake reaches out for me when he sees me coming. Only there is no acceptance of his offer, only my hand connecting with his cheek.
The contact stings the palm of my hand, his head jolting to the side.
“I hate you,” I scream, my throat burning as the words rip through me. “Both of you!” I take in a ragged breath, finally relaxing back into Whitney’s waiting arms. “I hate all of you.” My body shakes as silent sobs rush through me. I’m unable to stop them as the reality of my life and where it’s led me hits me hard.
I allow Whitney to hug me tight as she leads me toward the passenger side of her car. Once I am safely tucked inside, she closes the door and turns to face Jake and Sadie as they still remain frozen in the places I’d left them. I can hear her muffled words, but they aren’t clear enough to distinguish. I just know that whatever it is she is saying causes Sadie to crumble to the ground beneath her. Her legs just give out and she sits down on the last step that leads up to the place I once referred to as home. The truth is, though, it was never truly a home and now it was more tainted then before. How can one place hold so much heartache?
I look away from Sadie because a part of me suddenly feels as though she may have been genuine in her plea for forgiveness. I’m not ready to accept yet that what she’s done to me may have possibly been out of her hands.
In doing so, my stare settles on a man who not too long ago seemed so strong and so sure. Jake looks smaller now, not literally, but the feeling I’d once had when looking at him was no longer present. Seeing him reminds me of the things I’d gone through that night outside the bar. I hate that even the good memories I had of him are now destroyed by that one single action.
I have to look away because my heart is too weak. For a split second, I let myself see the hurt in his eyes. The worst part about it is that space inside me, the one that once believed he and I could be an us, wants to go to him.
My head and my heart are so confused, and I just need to get away.
I have to let go, I have to let it all go.
Chapter Sixteen
Jake
I sit across the table from two men that if I’d met in a dark alley, I’ll admit I may have feared them. They are both built; fuck that, they are stacked more than anyone I’ve ever met before. I am not a small guy. At 6’ 2”, my stance is broad and intimidating. But these two, hell they even scare me.
“How do we know this is truly what you want?” the larger of the two asks with a narrowed stare. “Why should we believe that this entire plea of yours isn’t your way of creating a distraction? Maybe you’re all in this game tog
ether attempting to play us for fools.”
“The only thing I can give you is my word.”
The other man scoffs at my comment.
“I’ve lived in hell since the day I was born, and I just want out. I may be a Gunther but I’m nothing like any of them.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on the table as I stare between the two of them, refusing to be intimidated. “What I can tell you for a fact is that either you bring them down, or I kill every motherfucker in there myself. One by one.”
The bigger man lounges back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest.
“You decide,” I add, still staring at each of them.
“You’re okay with the fact that every member of your family will be brought down?” I nod, waiting for them to say what I need to hear. “You’ll be forced to go undercover, to gather all we need on them, to ensure they are put away for good.” I shrug this time because I’ll do whatever it takes.
“We have a long rap sheet on every one of your sorry asses, but I’ll admit yours is thin and weak.” I can see a trace of a smile tugging at the corner of the prick’s mouth.
“I told you I’m not like them, and I want out.”
The door behind the two of them opens and two other men step inside. They are in black suits, serious looking fuckers with badges hanging from their waistbands.
I stood outside Blair’s apartment building in the same place she left me long after she was gone. The sound of Sadie crying at my side didn’t even phase me. All I could see was the sadness in Blair’s eyes, the heartbreak that I was partially responsible for, and it gutted me. I gathered Sadie in my arms, and she gave me no resistance as I carried her to the car I’d arrived in. She curled into herself, turning away as I started the car and drove her to her apartment. Once she was safely inside, I drove across town, parked the car outside my place, and hailed a cab.