by C. A. Harms
Jake
I knock lightly before carefully pushing open the door with caution. “Hello,” I purposely keep my stare focused on the wall opposite the door in case she is indecent. “Tell me you’re dressed this time.”
“If pajamas classify as dressed, then yes.” Sadie sits on the chair just to the left of her bed and offers me a half-hearted smile when my gaze finally connects with hers.
“Hey, pajamas are a step up from yesterday’s attire.”
I notice the reddening of her cheeks as she looks away from me quickly. Never again will I enter without announcing my presence first. I’ve grown to care for Sadie over the last year, but nothing has ever or will ever go beyond friendship. I don’t need to see her in anything less than fully clothed, especially not in her underwear and that alone. It was like seeing my kid sister half nude, and correct me if I’m wrong, but that shit feels wrong in the worst sense of the word.
I feel like I owe Sadie. After all, it was my doing that finalized the ending of her relationship with Blair. Just thinking her name alone deepens the ache I have felt every day since she drove away without looking back.
Both Sadie and I hit rock bottom after that. Once my family was placed behind bars, without the chance of ever seeing life outside a maximum security prison, I fell apart. I’ll admit I did things I wish I could take back. The guilt ate away at me, knowing that I was responsible for what happened to Blair. I should have somehow warned her, or hid her away safe, and I failed her. Part of me sometimes feels guilt from the joy I have knowing my family is now locked away.
Then I remember the things they’ve cost me and that guilt fades.
All of that, though, didn’t stop me from falling into darkness. I know without a doubt had it not been for Detective Farris I most likely would’ve someday joined my brother and father. He didn’t give up on me; he didn’t let me become the person I swore I never would. His persistence and loyalty really led me to the place I am now.
Sadie deserves more too, and I’m going to make sure she realizes that.
“How you feeling today?” I sit down on the edge of her bed.
“Better than yesterday.” The sadness in her eyes is always the same. “But that’s the goal, right? One step at a time.”
Sadie is one week away from completing a six-month program. It’s designed to not only help her with her addiction, but also to find the root of her struggles and teach her how to face them without the help of drugs, alcohol, and even sex.
“Never backward, always forward.” I recite the same statement I’ve heard her say many times before.
“Focus on the good and forgive myself for the bad.”
“That’s right.”
She lifts her gaze to meet mine once more and again smiles. Only this time it seems less forced than before.
“So have you thought of where you’ll go from here?”
I see a flash of discomfort in her eyes as she worries her lip. With a nod, she fists her hands in her lap. “It haunts me every day.”
She too is struggling with her place, wondering what will happen next. I hope what I’m about to offer can one day give us both the peace we wish for.
“I was thinking…” I wait for her to look in my direction once again. Her long lashes bat as she blinks a time or two when her emerald eyes focus on mine. “Getting out of the city, starting over someplace new might be the best option for the both of us.”
“Both?”
“Yeah.” I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, getting a better look at her. “Iowa, maybe?”
Her eyes widen for a split second, surprised I’m sure. I’ve tried more times than I can count to get her to tell me where Blair had gone, but never once did she ever violate that loyalty she felt she owed Blair. She refused to hurt her any more than she already had, and it only made me realize how much she regretted the choices she made, the mistakes of her past.
“You forget I now have my own ways of finding things out.” It is my turn to smile. “So what do ya say? Ever been to Iowa?”
“I can’t go there, Jake.” Her lower lip trembles almost immediately and it tugs at the space I now have for her in my heart. “They are better off without me rocking the safety they’ve found. You too.” Sadie’s eyes fill with tears. “You showing up there is only gonna bring back a time I know they just want to forget.”
She may be right, but I’ve thought about finding her for weeks, months even. “What my family did to her is something that’ll also haunt me. She hates me for the lies I told and the part I played in it all, I know this.” I pause, thinking over my thoughts, the same thoughts I’ve analyzed almost daily. “There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought of her, Sadie. Every time I close my eyes I swear I see her smile, hear her laughter in the streets. I’ve looked around more than once positive that I’ll see her, and left disappointed when I don’t. I’ve tried to forget her, but here I am a year later, still feeling the same way I did that first time I saw her. Hooked, captivated, and engrossed by her. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I don’t at least give it a try.”
“What if she’s not there anymore?”
“She is.” I’ve verified Blair’s location, more than once.
“And if she refuses to see you,” she takes in a shuddering breath, “tells you to stay away from her?”
“That’s a chance I’m willing to take.”
I’m a city boy, always have been. I’ve never been outside of Chicago unless you count the occasional trip I’d gone on as a child. Ankeny, Iowa was like a whole different world to me. Gone were the tall skyscrapers and in their place were small store fronts and diners. Kids played in yards and parks like the fear of being harmed was nonexistent. It is peaceful really, surreal even.
I glance over to the passenger side of my Dodge Challenger to find Sadie with the same mesmerized look on her face. Her own head is whipping from side to side, scanning over the areas as we slowly ease by. She’s been so isolated with her treatments that I’m sure this seems like a dream, more than reality.
“What do you think about grabbing something for dinner before we check into the hotel?” She only nods, still looking thoroughly mesmerized by her surroundings.
I ease through the intersection, in search of the first diner or restaurant I can find, my stomach choosing that moment to growl hungrily. This of course gains laughter from Sadie.
“How about there?” she asks, pointing to our left.
Spencer’s—a lit up blue sign with red accents almost beckons us. At this point a gas station burrito would be good enough for me. I didn’t realize how hungry I truly was since during the entire trip I’d been so bound in knots from the inside out that focusing on anything else seemed impossible. But now that we’re here, the idea that I’m in the same place as Blair once again both excites me and terrifies me.
“Looks good to me.” I turn into the parking lot and find the first available spot I can. The smell of grilled food fills the air around us. Sadie is the first out of the car as she rounds the side and passes the front waving her hand out before her. She seems more relaxed now that the city is behind us, and I assume it’s due to all the temptation she feels is left behind too. No longer does she have to go back to the life that led her to drugs, among other things.
“Let’s move it, granny.” She tilts her head to the side and places her hands on her hips, portraying impatience. I love seeing how carefree she is. We both struggled over the last year and in the end found a connection to one another. She quickly became my best friend, right alongside Farris.
I step up to her side, bump her shoulder with my own and she laughs loudly, the sound of it easing a small amount of my anxiety.
That is until we start to walk toward the restaurant. I stumble and bump into Sadie’s back as she pauses. I don’t have to look twice to know what I’m seeing. I think I felt her before I watched her exit the restaurant.
Blair.
Her hair seems longer now, ev
en though it’s pulled back in a high ponytail. A pair of black slacks hug her hips securely, a tight blue T-shirt shows off her trim waist. It’s almost as if the impact of seeing her hits me so damn hard the wind is instantly knocked from my lungs.
But the worst part about it is the tall man at her side. The one with his arm over her shoulders as they walk side by side, together. Both of them are wearing bright smiles and the sound of her laughter echoes across the parking lot, feeling like another kick to my stomach.
She looks happy.
“You still think coming here was a good idea?” Sadie whispers the question over her shoulder as she watches me close. Only I don’t respond, because I can’t. Instead I remain exactly where I am as I watch Blair walk off with some guy. The entire scene feels as though it’s a movie playing in slow motion.
Chapter Three
Blair
“All this time that Marcy is spending with Isabelle is giving her baby fever.” Will widens his eyes, his brows lifting high into his hairline. “She keeps dropping hints here and there.”
“Oh yeah?” I step away from him as I hit the unlock button on my key fob. “And what do you say?”
“You know me, I just ignore it, or change the subject.” Turning around to face him I reach out and push against his chest. “What? Matthew is a handful. I think he’s put the fear of having any more in me.”
“He is not that bad.” I attempt to keep a straight face, but Will knows me too well. Again that freakish arch of his brow takes over as if to say I ain’t buying your lies. “He’s just a silly boy, and anyway, he gets his crazy from you.”
“You need to spend a day with Marcy and you might not assume he gets it all from me.”
“Please, your wife is so quiet and peaceful.” He lets his head tilt forward as he looks down at the ground.
“She has you all fooled,” he mumbles and again I can’t help but laugh. Being here surrounded by the Flannigans has proven to be the best choice I’ve ever made. Not only for myself, but for Isabelle too.
I notice movement over Will’s left shoulder and look up just in time to see a guy and a girl walk toward the parking lot. There is something familiar about the girl as she races behind the guy. They are hidden in the darkness, as well as by the mass of vehicles parked out here, but for some reason I can’t look away.
“What are you looking at?” Will doesn’t wait for me to answer as he turns around and also watches the couple climb inside a dark car with tinted windows. The loud rumble of an engine fills the silence just before the car backs out of its space and drives in the opposite direction, the wheels squealing just a small fraction upon take-off. “Do you know them?”
I shake my head, finally turning my attention back to Will. “I don’t think so, but something about the girl seems familiar.” I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen her somewhere before. Just the way she jogged after the guy, it was almost as though I’d seen that very thing take place once before. A feeling of déjà vu settles heavy in my stomach.
“Well, I guess I better get going.” I step up and offer Will another hug. He has no idea what him showing up at the end of my shift has done for me. He made it possible for me to escape without dealing with Shawn and the awkwardness of denying him yet again for a second date. “Whitney’s going over to stay at her man’s place again and I know she’s waiting on me.”
“She’s getting serious about him, it seems.” Will gives me a gentle squeeze, holding his to-go bag at my side with the opposite hand. “Not sure I like the idea of you and Iz being home alone all the time.” The big brother role kicks in heavily as he watches me when I step back toward my car.
“We’re good,” I assure him though he doesn’t seem convinced.
After he ensures I’m tucked safely in my car, he walks toward his own and I start my five-minute drive toward home. It’s been a long night and it’s always the same. About halfway through, I’d find myself missing Isabelle like crazy.
The same excitement I feel every time I arrive home hits me when I place my car in park and grab my bag off the passenger seat. I hurry toward the front door, and just as I’m about to climb the two steps onto our front porch I hesitate. The same rumble I heard only a short time ago can be heard again. Looking back over my shoulder, I find the same dark car from the restaurant sitting in front of my neighbor’s house, idling along the curb.
What are the chances? Something about it gives me the chills.
The window tint makes it hard to see inside, but it doesn’t stop me from staring.
“You coming inside or…”
I jump in surprise at the sound of Whitney’s voice and spin around, holding my hand to the center of my chest. She pauses mid-sentence, her hand on her hip with her eyebrow cocked in question.
“You scared the hell out of me.” I push past her and she laughs as she stumbles back into our apartment. I decide not to say anything about the car for fear of her thinking I’d lost my damn mind. Instead I focus on my little angel who lies in the center of the floor, kicking her legs enthusiastically.
The moment she sees me she squeals loudly and her arms match the movements of her chubby legs.
“I tried to put her down but she refused to give in.” Whitney sits on the couch and props up her feet. “After about fifteen minutes I caved and we’ve been watching TV since.”
I reach down and pick Isabelle up from the floor.
“Are you giving Aunt Whit trouble?” Her little hand immediately goes for her mouth and slobber runs along her chin.
“You going to Trevor’s?” I ask Whitney.
“In a bit,” she says with a shrug. “His brother’s over there and last time I talked to him they were watching some game or something. If I go over there now, I’ll be forced to engage, and you know me, sports are not my thing.”
“In that case, do you care if I grab a quick shower before you take off?”
Instead of a vocal response, she holds out her hands and wiggles her fingers in a give me motion. I pass Isabelle to her and walk toward my room with a smile as I look back over my shoulder. There they sit, Iz securely tucked into the crook of Whitney’s arm as they both stare ahead. It reminds me yet again how lucky I am to have them both.
Gathering my clothes I rush toward the bathroom, pausing near the window to peek outside. I am relieved to find the black car is no longer sitting along the curb. I don’t know why, but something about it leaves an empty ache inside my stomach.
With my purse and the diaper bag over my shoulder and Isabelle held firmly in my other arm, I walk toward the front door. She is blowing spit bubbles as she wiggles against me, one hand fisting in my hair that hangs loosely over my shoulder. It reminds me of why I’m so quick to pull it back all the time. It’s the first thing she grabs whenever given the chance.
Stepping outside, I pull the door shut behind me and give the handle a twist to ensure I locked it. That very second Isabelle decides to throw out one of her famous glass-breaking squeals and my heart feels as though it jumps out of my chest. I have a feeling once she is able to finally talk I wouldn’t be able to quiet her again, she is always so vocal.
“One of these days, little lady, you are gonna give your mommy a heart attack.”
Mine still beats fast as I walk toward my car and tuck her into her car seat. I ensure she has a rattle in one hand and her pacifier in her mouth before I close the door and climb inside myself. Checking the mirror I verify that I can see her through the reflection of the second mirror fastened to the car seat before her. Iz is so fascinated by her plush toy as she shakes it around that I pause for a few seconds just to watch her before I start backing out of the driveway.
When she starts to fuss, as she always does while being trapped in her car seat, I turn on the nursery rhymes and begin singing along with them to distract her. Had anyone told me last year that I’d be doing this very thing now I would have thought they were crazy. I didn’t think I wanted children. Not after the life I’d had growi
ng up; it was too scary to even consider. I knew the harsh realities of real life, the dark times and the evil. I didn’t want to be responsible for bringing any child into a world like I’d experienced. Yet now I can’t imagine my life without Isabelle. She is the greatest part of my days and nights.
“We’re almost there, Iz.” I shush her as I search for a parking space at the bank. I have a feeling my running around is going to be torturous today with this little lady. She hates being restricted in her car seat.
Mrs. Wilmar is waiting behind the counter with an eager smile as I step inside. “She gets cuter each week, I swear to it.” She leans over the counter with her arms stretched outward. “Let me see that angel while you get your things ready.” It’s the same thing each week. She is well into her fifties and all her own grandchildren live in different states, rarely giving her the chance to see them as often as she’d like. I think Isabelle gives her the fix she needs.
“Those dark locks of hers are starting to curl on the ends.” I watch as she runs her fingers over Isabelle’s hair. “She may not share your hair color, but it looks like she may just end up with the waves like you have, Blair.”
I hope so, because if I hadn’t gone through hours of labor myself I wouldn’t believe she was mine either. Isabelle is her daddy’s, without a doubt. The dark hair, the contour of her jaw, and those eyes—they are all Jake’s.
“Yeah, maybe.” I avert my eyes, filling out the forms quickly. I already know the questions are coming. Betty Wilmar is a sweet lady, but she is also a little nosy.
“Her daddy has the dark hair, right?” I nod because we’ve been down this road almost weekly. “How any man can walk away from a gem as sweet as this little lady is a puzzle to me. He has no idea the joys he’s missing out on.” A hollow feeling fills my stomach as I push the deposit slip and my check across the counter. “Such a shame she doesn’t have a daddy to protect her.”
And there goes that swift kick to the gut feeling.