by C. A. Harms
There is this lightness about us now, the simplicity of our life surrounding us. I don’t need money or the big city with the fast life. I know all I need to be happy is our little home, filled with the laughter of both my fiancée and our daughter.
After slipping on my shorts that are on the floor next to the bed, I hurry to Izzy’s room and lift her up, covering her chubby little cheeks with kisses. The giggles that spill from her make me chuckle in return. She captures my heart over and over again.
“Dadada.” It may have just been a ramble, because Iz tends to do that often, but I stop mid-step and stare at my daughter. “Daadadada.” As if she knows I need to hear it again she continues on happily as she bounces in my arms.
“Did she just…” I look toward the open bedroom door to find Blair standing there wearing only a T-shirt of mine.
“She said ‘dada,’” I finish for her, and see her eyes fill with tears. My own eyes cloud as I try to fight off the emotions that hit me. Hearing my little girl sing “dada” over and over in a happy little slobber-filled chant has got to be the best fucking moment of my life.
I’ve come to realize that there have been only a few times in my life when I’ve felt so overtaken with love and gratitude that it nearly crippled me. Those were times when I didn’t care who saw me as a mess of a man. This was one of those times. A hot tear rolls over my cheek, and I look up to meet Blair’s gaze once more.
“I know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again.” Blair watches me closely as I speak. “Thank you for her. And thank you for letting me back into your life.” She moves across the room and wraps her arms around me and around Isabelle too. “Thank you for loving me.”
“Thank you for being the man who is worth it.” I kiss the top of her head and give them both a gentle squeeze. I was holding my everything in my arms. These two girls have me so completely there isn’t a damn thing I won’t give them. “But just so you know, there was no way that either of us would be able to withstand falling in love with you, Jake.”
Closing my eyes tightly, I attempt to fight off the emotions that run through me.
Looking back to the time in my life not much more than a year ago, I never would have thought I would be here. I never thought I’d be given the chance for a family of my own, one that was safe from my father and the hell he brought with him. Yet here I am, living a life I once had only dreamed of.
Izzy toys with her mommy’s hair while Blair lays her head upon my chest. My arms securely hold them both to me, and I’ll admit I never want this moment to pass. I’ve never loved anyone more than my girls. They are the greatest part of my life, the best part of my days and when I am away from them, I feel that ache—the emptiness inside that longs for them to be back in my arms again.
“Nothing has ever felt this perfect,” I whisper, gently rocking them both. “And I know nothing ever will. I have everything I’ve ever wanted right here in my arms.”
“Do you think I’m crazy?”
I look across the table at the man who has become my best friend and I can’t wipe the smile from my face.
“Do you think I’ll freak her out?” Farris holds a red velvet box in his hand, squeezing it tightly as he stares back at me for guidance. I never thought I’d see the day this man looked to me for answers.
“I just want everything to be right, ya know.” He takes in a deep breath and looks back at the item he holds. “Sadie’s been through hell, and I’m not crazy enough to believe that she didn’t bring a lot of those things on herself. But what I do know is that I love her. She’s my priority, Jake, hell I left an amazing fucking job without a second thought and moved to this place I’d never heard of before, just to be close to her. So please tell me that I’m not crazy for wanting to give her everything I can. Tell me asking her to marry me isn’t insane?”
“You’re insane, all right.” His head hangs in defeat. “But not because you want to marry Sadie.” Farris lifts his head and I find relief covering his features. “You’re right, she does deserve to be happy. I know she loves you too, so if asking her feels right, then you should do it.”
“It feels more than right.”
“The place you got that ring from,” I look to his hand, “you think you can take me there?”
“The jewelry store?” I nod and there is a silent pause. “Are you telling me that you are gonna ask Blair—” He doesn’t finish; I don’t allow him to.
“Already did.”
“Without a ring?” His eyebrow arches up and I toss the wadded up napkin I hold at him.
“She asked me to move in, and I told her I would only on one condition.” I let my mind wander back to last night. “I want my family, I want it all, and the moment felt right. I didn’t need a ring at that point. All I needed was for Blair to say yes.”
When Farris grins at me, a wide-ass knowing grin, I got that he understood completely. Blair owned my soul, not just my heart, from the first time I kissed her. Now the only thing that has changed is that she shares that space with my daughter.
“Come on, brother.” Farris stands up and pushes his chair back from the table. “We’ve got a ring to pick out.”
Chapter Seventeen
Blair
“Table seven needs an order of wings to go and table eleven is staring at me like I owe them something,” Carol announces as she enters through the swinging doors.
“The to go order is almost up, and table eleven is driving me crazy.” I try not to groan out in frustration. “They’ve changed their order four times. Poor Murray has had to start over each time. I’m afraid to go out there and see that they’ve changed it again. Murray may just shoot straight through the roof with irritation if I tell him one more thing they don’t want in their nachos.”
Carol laughs as she brushes by me and winks. “By the way, you just got two new groups seated in your section.”
I blow out a deep, supposed to be soothing, breath and wonder to myself what I’ve done to have such a shitty day. Nothing has gone right since the second I stepped inside. A bell ringing behind me announces another order up and I turn around to see a to go box being placed on the ledge that separates me from the kitchen.
“Wings,” Brenda belts out before turning her back to me to move on to her next order.
I bag the box, toss in a few napkins and a couple sets of silverware before pushing open the door and stepping out into the dining area. It’s eerily quiet as I scan the restaurant and find that everyone is twisted around looking to my left.
Slowly I follow their attention and feel my body stiffen as I take in the sight. Jake is crouched down on one knee, wearing a smile so bright I can’t stop myself from smiling in return. Behind him stands Will, Warren, and Whitney, who holds a sleeping Isabelle close to her chest. The rest of the Flannigans are also there, along with Farris and Sadie, though she looks as though she feels completely out of place.
“What are you doing?” I ask in a hushed tone as I scan over the dining area once more. Even Wilber stands just outside his office, watching with a gleam in his eye.
“I wanted to do this right,” Jake says louder than I expect, and I know it’s because he has no intentions of keeping this between the two of us. “You deserve a real proposal, not a whisper in the darkness of the night.”
“But that proposal was pretty perfect.” I smirk, thinking of the events that followed. My cheeks heat and he grins, telling me he’s thinking of the same thing.
“Enough already,” Warren groans, “there are women and children present, you two.”
Jake chuckles as he reaches out and takes my hand in his.
“You’re right.” He shakes off the humor of Warren’s words and quickly gets back to the current task. “It was perfect, it was our moment, and now this is me sharing the news with everyone else. Because I want everyone to know how much you changed my life.”
I feel the tears burning my eyes.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Blair, a lot of the wrong
choices, but I’m here telling you in front of everyone that I will never make those mistakes again. I love you, I love Iz, and there’s nothing in this lifetime I want more than to spend every day from this one forward cherishing the both of you. You make everything better, you always have.”
I close my eyes to fight off the tears but one escapes and runs along my cheek.
“Marry me.” Jake’s words penetrate through my haze and when I open my eyes I find him holding out a ring between us. It sparkles and shines in the lighting of the restaurant and my smile grows wider when I hear a few gasps from around us. “Build a life with me, Blair.”
I nod, as I move in closer and kneel in front of him. I feel the bag I was holding being removed from my hand but I don’t take the time to look or even care who is taking it.
“I’m so glad you came after me,” I confess when I look up and place one hand on each side of his face. “I told everyone I was fine, I tried to convince myself that what we had was all a lie and that I could be fine without you. But the truth is there was always something missing. Always this empty ache inside of me that only you can fill. Thank you for not giving up on us.”
“I never will, baby.” He closes his eyes as I press a soft kiss to his lips.
I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around me as I step up to the mirror. It was after ten in the evening and Isabelle had only been asleep for about an hour. Jake is usually home by now, and whenever he runs late I find I can’t sleep.
It’s been less than a week since Whitney moved out and Jake moved his things in. Looking around the bathroom to see his deodorant, aftershave, and shampoo, among other things, gives me this warm sensation. This is our home now, just Iz, me, and Jake. I look up at the mirror once more to see my smiling reflection looking back. It feels amazing to have this life.
Stepping out of the bathroom I start toward the kitchen only to come to an abrupt stop when I see Jake step in through the front door of our apartment. He hasn’t seen me yet; he closes the door behind him and rolls his neck from side to side, as if attempting to relieve the stress from his shift.
I still can’t get over how handsome he is. Strong jaw, broad shoulders, even broader than when I first met him. He wears his uniform perfectly, and there is just something about the fierceness he expels as he begins to walk toward me. I stay where I am hidden in the darkness of the hall, my body already feeling the effects of his presence.
I notice the very second he sees me, the way that dominance changes to the swagger whenever need takes over.
“Have I told you how much I love coming home to you?”
Though I attempt to remain cool and collected, I can’t stop myself from grinning widely, hearing him say those words.
“Let me just add that I am heavily disappointed that I missed shower time.” He steps closer and hooks his finger into the towel at the gap between my breasts. “What do you say I make you dirty again?”
“I think I like that idea.”
He tugs and the towel breaks free to pool at my feet.
“God damn, woman.” He shakes his head before gripping my hips. “To my knees, I swear, every time. You make me feel so weak.”
I don’t get the chance to respond before his lips crash to mine. Suddenly I’m being turned and my back is pressed to the wall.
“I’m feeling a little wired, babe,” he confesses, and excitement spikes inside me. “Maybe I should wind down before—”
“No.” I bite on his lip and give it a little tug making him moan. “I want you just how you are.” I feel him smile against my lips. I love when Jake is demanding and impulsive. Granted the soft and slow is perfect too, but tonight, right now, I just want raw and ground shifting.
I begin to unbutton his shirt, still pinned to the wall by the pressure of his hips. I can feel how hard he is already, and my hands shake with adrenaline. He steps back, but only long enough to unbuckle his belt and his pants. In one swift move they are around his thighs, boxers and all and his erection springs freely.
“Blair,” I look up to find him smirking as he places his finger beneath my chin and tilts it upward, “do I need to get a condom?”
I think over his question, knowing already that we’ve crossed that line once. I shake my head and see the sense of control snap inside of him.
Quickly I’m hoisted up, I wrap my legs around his waist, and in one impressive drive he is seated deep inside me. Together we both moan, his forehead pressed to mine. “Love this,” he mumbles and I can’t agree more. “Just us,” he continues with a gradual shift of his hips, “nothing between us.”
I want to say “yes,” but I’m too focused on the way he feels inside me.
“Made for me…” He isn’t speaking in full sentences, but I understand him completely. Because I feel the same.
Then he starts to really move, his fingers digging into my hips as he pivots beneath me. My back shifts against the wall behind me as I hold onto his shoulders. The way he moves, the perfect angle was driving me wild.
“Damn,” he growls when I squeeze him. Already a thin layer of sweat is covering our bodies as we lose ourselves in the moment. It is so raw, just what I want. Nothing but two people in love, desperate for the release of the other. I feel like I can’t get enough, like close isn’t close enough.
His pace quickens, short hard drives, my head is spinning, my legs tighten even more. I’m clawing at his back, feeling as though my head is going to explode before an orgasm hits me so deep and overpowering by body ignites.
“Fuccckkkk,” Jake drags out the word just before he too explodes and the pressure of his fingers biting into my flesh intensifies.
We remain still, neither of us willing to move, or should I say capable of moving.
“I feel like my body is made of Jello, jelly, mush, whatever.” Jake chuckles, his body shaking against mine though he holds me a little tighter. “Told you I should have taken the time to wind down.”
“Uh uh,” I disagree, “I like you this way.”
“Why’s that?”
I’m finally able to lift my head off his shoulder, and it thumps against the wall behind me with a small thud. “I love when you get so lost in the moment it’s almost like you’re desperate for me.”
“Because I am,” he confesses as he lifts one hand and pushes back the hair away from my face. “I never feel like it’s enough.” I tilt my head to the side, not responding but silently asking him for more of an explanation.
Jake steps back, taking me with him as he carefully walks back to the recliner that is only a few feet away. He makes slow movements so he doesn’t trip over his pants that are still hanging from his thighs. He sits, taking me with him and once he is comfortable, he links his fingers with mine.
“That day outside your apartment in Chicago,” I start to shake my head, but he leans in closer and shushes me, “was one of the hardest in my life. There were so many times I wanted to tell you everything, but I was terrified you’d see me as one of them. I know I was supposed to be but I couldn’t. I think I knew that the first time I saw you, I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach, Blair. Fuck, you knocked the wind out of me.”
Even in the darkness I can see the glimmer in his eyes and it pulls at something inside me.
“I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted to keep them from you. All I ever wanted was to keep you safe and I know I failed.” I place my hands on his face and press my forehead to his. “Letting you walk away that day, I felt like I was being torn apart. I knew I had to, but it wasn’t easy. The time that followed, Jesus, they were dark times. But even through it all I kept thinking that one day maybe I’d get you to forgive me. I hoped for it.”
“I do.” It wasn’t easy, but I have forgiven this beautiful man.
“Now I feel like every day, every word, every touch, it’s me making up for all the wrongs I did. But it’s never enough.”
“It is.” Tears fill my eyes but I try to fight them.
“Nothing will
ever be enough.” It breaks my heart that he believes this. “When I’m with you, all that runs through my head is the fact that I lost you once, and there’s no way I’m ever gonna do that again. I am desperate for you, there is always this ache inside of me, craving you, needing you. I don’t think it will ever be soothed completely because I know I will never get enough.”
I nod, unable to speak. I wanted raw, well this was fucking raw. This was deep and uncensored and raw in every sense of the word.
“I am so in love with you that it just might be teetering on the verge of insanity.” I laugh at his confession.
“I’m okay with that, because I feel the same way about you.”
Epilogue
Jake
I sit in the pew as I hold Isabelle on my lap, bouncing her softly to keep her occupied. She holds my phone in her hand, tapping away at the screen with her chubby little fingers. On more than one occasion I have had to clear a shit ton of images off my screen that she’s managed to capture. Most were images of the backs of people’s heads, smeared things passing by, or even feet of random people. But whatever works, and in this case, I need her to remain quiet.
The relationship between Whitney, Blair, and Sadie is still strained, but I’ve seen progress which makes me happy. I understand where Blair is coming from; I just needed her to see Sadie in a new light, much like she has me. I think today is the turning point I’ve hoped for. At the front of the church standing just to the left of the bride stands my wife.
It still felt unfuckingbelievable to call her that. Each time I remember the day she said “I do” while looking up at me with that killer smile of hers, I swear I feel my knees buckle beneath me. One of my best days ever, running even with the day I found out I was a father, and head to head with just two days ago when she announced that she was carrying my second child. I don’t think the smile has left my face since.