by Jayne Rylon
Her guts roiled.
She jerked as if he’d slapped her.
And still she wished she could flay herself a million times over for giving him the wrong impression. All that time suffering alone, for nothing.
“No.” She smothered his face with butterfly kisses. “You have it all backwards. It’s me that’s the problem. I’m greedy. Selfish. So angry at myself. How can I be disappointed when I’m so damn lucky?”
“What?” Joe blinked up at her as if she’d lost her marbles.
“I tried to keep busy so you wouldn’t see my grief. I didn’t want to hurt you.” She sobbed. “I think I made a big mistake.”
“Shush, both of you.” Mike plopped beside them. He nudged the couple with his shoulder, rocking them with his gentle pressure, and infusing them with his heat. “No one is winning here. I let this go on too long. I think because I felt like shit, knowing Kate and I have what you want. I let that fuck with my perspective. This is nuts. You love each other. Nothing should matter more than that.”
Morgan glanced up to see Devon, James and Neil nodding their agreement.
Dave stood with his feet spread, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Is this some kind of intervention?” She attempted to deflect the concerned disapproval with levity. Her attempt flopped.
“I guess you could say that.” Kate mirrored her husband, sitting on the couch on Morgan and Joe’s other side. She cleared her throat, then scanned the gathering. No one spoke up when she paused, so she continued, “We’ve discussed the matter.”
“Who’s we?” Joe tensed again beneath Morgan. She rubbed his chest, reminding him the crew meant well. “All of you? Talked about us behind our backs?”
His cheeks flamed.
“There was nothing sinister about it,” Mike growled. Rare displeasure rolled off the foreman, making Morgan blink. “If I didn’t know how rocky these past few months have been, I’d kick your ass for thinking such stupid shit. We’re trying to help.”
“Oh yeah, and how do you propose to do that?” Joe harrumphed. “Wave your magic wand over my cock? Implant some healthy swimmers in my nutsack when I’m sleeping? They said the chance is next to nothing. No hope, Mike. None. Not all of us can be Captain Fertility like you, knocking up your wife on the first try.”
“Don’t you see…?” Kate tilted her head, curious yet stern. She would make one hell of a mom.
“See what?” The hairs dusting the nape of Morgan’s neck began to rise. She shifted her stare from one friend to the next.
“Dev, grab the folder from the sideboard, would you?” Mike gestured with his chin.
The cute construction worker, the only girl on the crew, dashed for the requested item and delivered it to Mike’s outstretched hand in a flash. She smiled softly, then squeezed Joe and Morgan’s linked fingers.
When had that happened? Morgan wasn’t sure, but she’d missed the warmth of his partnership recently. Only herself to fault for that, really.
“What’s all that?” Joe’s hostility morphed into curiosity.
“We have a surprise for you this time.” Mike flipped open the manila cardstock and thumbed through the papers inside. “Me, Dave, James and Neil all got tested. You know, for genetic markers and a bunch of other shit I didn’t understand much about.”
“Why?” Joe squawked. His body vibrated beneath Morgan.
She smothered him with affection as best as she knew how. Because surely, there was only one reason the guys would subject themselves to that kind of medical scrutiny.
Mike looked to his wife for help. Fancy talk had never been his strength. Morgan felt pretty sure what they were about to say might change all of their lives forever.
“They wanted to see which of them would have the best shot of giving you a baby.” Kate stuck to direct yet sympathetic. “We also did a lot of research on adoption. We’ve scraped together some money if you’d rather try that route. But lots of people use sperm banks. You wouldn’t have to stick with our guys if the idea makes you uncomfortable. We just thought…you might want some options.”
“And you’re all willing to make a charitable donation, is that what you’re saying?” Joe sneered. “Great, I love being the dude all my friends pity.”
“Quit being so defensive.” Mike socked him in the shoulder. “This isn’t the Joe I know. Pull your head out of your ass and think about this for a second. Look at what you’re doing to your wife. Your marriage. Are you willing to throw that all away for pride? If so, then you’re not the man I thought I respected enough to suggest this to.”
When Joe’s stare winged to her, Morgan tried not to flinch. She took a deep breath and held still, afraid to tend the seed of hope Mike had just planted. If it sprouted then withered, she might not survive. Blank, she allowed Joe to form his own impressions.
“Oh, fuck.” His head crashed to the cushion behind him. “You’re right.”
“It’s not too late to fix things.” Kate finger-combed his hair from his brow. “Tell her what’s in your heart. Right now, before the moment’s gone.”
Joe took a breath so deep his lungs rattled. He sat upright, pressing close. For the first time in months, he donned the confident, sexy swagger he’d always worn as well as his favorite ripped old pair of jeans. “I never want to see that guarded look on your face again, Mo. That’s not the girl I love. I can’t believe I’ve done this to you. To us. There were other ways. Other choices. I just… I felt so much like I’d let you down.”
“Leave the past alone.” Mike kept them on track. “You can only change the future. Where do you want to go from here?”
“Who had the best chance?” Joe didn’t hesitate.
“Neil.” Mike’s smile turned wry. “Apparently, he’s pretty lucky he hasn’t done it by accident at this rate. Dev should probably double the dosage of her birth control shots.”
“You’re welcome.” James pinched his longtime lover on the ass. Devon, James and Neil laughed as they hugged each other. “Seems like my ass might have saved yours.”
“Okay.” Joe nodded before returning his gaze to Morgan. “What do you say? Want a tall, pain-in-the-ass kid with blond hair? I bet Neil can rub one out in the doctor’s office in thirty seconds or less and we can be on our way. No muss, no fuss, right, Mikey?”
“Something like that.” Their foreman sounded wary. “It doesn’t have to be so crude.”
The clinical nature of the deed frightened Morgan. She imagined bright whitish-blue lights, doctors poking and prodding her, and antiseptic smells corroding what should have been one of the happiest moments of her life. Suddenly she didn’t know if she could sign up for such a sterile origin for her child. Then again, what choice did she have?
The pressure of her friends’ regard bore down on her until she thought she might be squished flatter than a pancake. They were trying to help. Offering a solution.
“Morgan?” Joe narrowed his eyes as he observed her pulse speeding in her neck.
She had to escape their scrutiny. She couldn’t hide anything from the crew. But she didn’t know if she was ready to be totally honest yet—either with them…or herself.
“I…” No matter how many times she swallowed, she couldn’t manage to clear the lump in her throat. “Thank you. Really. I just… It’s a lot. Need some time. To think.”
Scrambling off Joe’s lap, she rushed for the door.
Heavy booted footsteps trailed close behind her. Their owner didn’t try to stop her, but followed at a safe distance instead.
By the time she’d run to the passenger side of Joe’s truck, she’d calmed enough to lift her head. Through two panes of glass and the chasm of the cab between, she watched her husband monitoring her reaction. “Let’s go home, Mo. We can figure it out together.”
The truck separating them distorted his reassurance. Still, she could decipher the movement of his lips. Not hard to understand him. After all, it was as though he read her wishes straight from her soul. If nothing els
e, she promised him silently right then, she’d quit letting this baby fiasco ruin their relationship.
No matter what she had to do, she’d fix things.
For them both.
Joe climbed inside. He reached across the bench seat to unlock and open her door. Then he extended a green-speckled hand, which she latched on to as if it were a lifeline, and used it to tug her into the vehicle. Without letting go, he backed out of the driveway. His fingers never abandoned hers, not even to wave to the cluster of seven worried friends huddled on Kate and Mike’s porch.
She stared at the rest of the crew until they were specks in the side mirror, wondering—with each foot of distance that they added between them and their friends—if she’d dug this yawning pit deeper than it had already been.
2
Morgan didn’t object when Joe told her to sit tight before jogging around to her side of the truck. She slid willingly into his open arms when he invited her. All her energy had drained away as she mulled over their options on the short ride home. She clutched the manila folder he handed her to her chest and allowed him to carry her up the stairs to their apartment over her bakery, Sweet Treats.
He didn’t pause to check the mail or snag some of the leftovers from yesterday’s special. Instead, he marched directly to their bedroom and settled her on the bed. Deft fingers swiped her sneakers from her feet, then tucked her beneath the thick strata of covers they preferred.
Joe joined her moments later, gathering her to his chest.
“Mo.”
“Joe.” They initialized conversation at the same instant. She giggled. “I never noticed before that we rhyme.”
“Me either.” He grinned, then trailed a knuckle along her cheek. “Guess it’s no surprise, though. We were meant to go together. I still believe that.”
“So do I.” A wince tugged at her lips. “I’m so sorry I let you think otherwise.”
“It’s in the past.” He angled his chin toward the papers clasped between them. “Let’s work on the future.”
Morgan worried her lip between her front teeth.
“Their offer obviously upset you.” He traced the shell of her ear, tucking loose strands of hair off her face. “Why don’t we start with why? Do you not want a child if it can’t be conceived the traditional way?”
“No. That’s not the problem.” She shook her head, pushing up a little with one palm on his chest so she could meet him eye to eye. “I admit I hadn’t thought of alternate arrangements after they told us it wouldn’t be successful to implant your sperm in me artificially. But it’s not like I haven’t embraced some unconventional practices in the past few years.”
“No one’s questioning that, cupcake.” Joe smiled, then nuzzled their noses together. “Especially after the shit your ex pulled on you, I’m still amazed you gave me and the crew a shot. Grateful every day that you were brave enough to try again.”
“Thank you for being so patient with me.” She stared into his warm, dark eyes.
“So if it’s not that you object to…” He spoke slowly, as if selecting each word carefully. “You think there could be issues with asking one of the guys to do the job?”
A cringe compressed her spine at his blunt description of what should be a miraculous event. “It does worry me that we’d be risking an awful lot. Let’s say Neil did…donate. What if he can’t let go? What if he wants a deeper relationship with the baby? How will we all feel about that? You, me, Devon and James. Will we be able to cope?”
“Shit. That’s a good question.” Joe sighed. “I didn’t really think of it that way. I know the three of them aren’t interested in kids. How many times have they told Katiebug they’re glad to spoil her baby temporarily, as long as they get to give it back?”
They both chuckled at the memory. The trio had promised to adore their honorary niece or nephew—though of course they’d said niece—lavishing her with obnoxious toys and hopping her up on sugar before returning her to her parents.
“That’s what they’ve said, but Devon is young. She could change her mind yet. And what if it hurts her to see her husband’s child raised as someone else’s?” The familiar sting of tears prickled Morgan’s eyes. “I couldn’t stand to injure one of them just to appease my own desires.”
“We can talk to them, double check they’re certain.” Joe tipped her face toward his. “But I know my friends. They don’t say or do shit they don’t mean. You can bet Mike and Kate had these discussions with them long before they agreed to hand us that folder. They wouldn’t risk disappointing us by rescinding an offer like that.”
“And if they’re not sure. Really, really sure, we can look at adopting.” Morgan picked at a string on the edge of the duvet. “It’s just so expensive. And it won’t be fast. I thought maybe in a few years, when Sweet Treats was more stable and we weren’t reinvesting all the profits in growth, maybe then… This gift from the crew is more than we can accept.”
“Can I be real honest, Mo?” Joe levered up onto one elbow and leaned his forehead on hers. “I’ll do whatever makes you happy, I swear. But if it can’t be me who gives this to you… It feels right to have it be one of the crew. They’re closer than brothers. More than friends. They’re part of me. And if one of them can do this, it’s almost like I did in some fashion. Easier to be excited about than if a stranger were to be mixed with you. Though I swear to you, I will love any child we raise together. I swear I’ll be the best dad I can be. The best husband and friend.”
“I know.” She didn’t hesitate to grant him reassurance. His decency and commitment were qualities she’d never had reason to question. “Even when I’ve treated you horribly these past few months—been so self-absorbed, I’m ashamed of myself—you never once wavered. I love you, Joe. And if this is the path you prefer, I’ll walk it. I’m so thrilled they offered, humbled really. It’s just...”
Panic chilled her as she thought of cold steel tables and instruments beeping in the background instead of warm embraces, flickering candlelight and the soft sighs of great sex. It was a ridiculously small thing to endure. And when they came home, Joe would make love to her. It would be easy to convince herself the magic had happened then.
“That.” Joe zeroed in on her reaction as if she’d advertised her discomfort on the Times Square JumboTron instead of attempting to mask it. She could conceal nothing from him. “There it is again. What was that hesitation?”
“It’s silly.” She shook her head.
“Nothing is trivial if it affects you or our family.” Joe flashed the steely core he seldom unveiled. “Tell me what you were thinking just then.”
She breathed in, then released the air in a steady stream.
“You can share anything with me. Don’t you believe that?” Pain darkened his eyes, drawing his brows lower on his handsome face.
“Yes, of course.” Morgan refused to hurt him anymore. “It’s just that those procedures are so sterile. Formal. Surrounded by strangers. It’s not how I would choose to create a new life. I wish it could be borne of our shared joy and pleasure. Instilled with all the love and hope and gratitude I feel when we’re together.”
“Oh.” He sat up, leaning his shoulders against the headboard. “I guess I didn’t think that far ahead, cupcake. When you put it like that…”
“It’s ridiculous. So many other couples have done the same. If anything, our child will know how much we fought to have him or her in our life. No accidents here.” She patted his chest as he stared into the bathroom he’d remodeled for her. The blue and white of the custom handles infused color and style to the small space. “We’ll do this our way, however that turns out to be.”
“What if—”
“Yes?” She prodded as she enfolded his hand in hers. “Finish your thought.”
“We already share.” Joe faced her, determination and a wicked smile on his lips. “No reason we can’t get you pregnant the old-fashioned way. Just not by me.”
“Are you saying…?” Morgan
shivered, every pore of her body opening to the idea. Heat flooded her where chill had seeped in before.
“Uh-huh.” He nodded. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say none of the other guys will object. Their ladies either, since we all agreed to be each other’s birthday presents. No reason we can’t all try together. Would that make it special enough for you?”
“Hell yes.” A wave of excitement rolled over her. “I wonder if they’d really be okay with that?”
“Why don’t we call a crew meeting and find out?” Joe tugged her over until she straddled him. “As soon as we celebrate our kickass friends and genius brainstorming session. I’ve missed you a hell of a lot, Morgan.”
“Same goes.” The kiss they shared started out slowly and gently. Her lips grazed his smile. Settling onto his lap more fully, she ground against his erection, plastering herself to his torso so she could revel in the beat of his heart, which resonated through her chest.
“No matter what happens, we’ll always sort it out if we’re willing to work together.” He murmured against her neck, “I’ll never give up on us. On this. I swear.”
Two weeks after the painting party, Morgan hovered at the edge of her closet, a discarded pile of not-quite-right outfits littering the floor. Maybe the lavender skirt and rich purple sweater Kayla had given her for Christmas would be appropriate.
“Mo, what’s the holdup?” Joe paused in the middle of their bedroom. “You’re changing? Again? Cupcake…”
“Ug. I know.” The thud of her palm smacking her forehead didn’t do much good. “It’s not like I’m going to be wearing this for very long. I guess I’m pretty nervous.”
“I’m not.” His smile spread, slow and wide. “I have the easy part. Just watch and wait. Maybe snag a blowjob in the meantime. Way better than shitty coffee in a Styrofoam cup at a clinic or something.”
The strained laugh she surrendered only highlighted her tenseness.