by Tina Saxon
I’ve always wondered what it’d be like having a father who looked at me with unconditional love. Ted took on that role, but I was almost an adult already, so it’s not the same. He loves me, but if something were to happen with Amy, I don’t know if he’d keep in touch. I hope so. I don’t know how to respond to that, so I just smile and nod.
“What’s up with Travis having two kids within a year?” Brooks states, clearly trying to move on from that topic. He glances at me with a slight nod of his head.
Melanie grunts. “That man…” she groans, taking a quick drink of her wine, “…he was heartbroken when your mom left. I told you he went wild.” She looks at me. She did tell me that, what she didn’t tell me was that I had a brother out there in the world. “Unfortunately, Brooks was a byproduct of that wildness.”
“Hey,” Brooks interrupts, holding out his arms. “I’m sitting right here.”
She looks at him warmly, like a grandparent would. “You know he’s extremely proud of you and has never regretted having you. That’s why he handpicked your adoptive parents. It was because of you that he pulled his shit together.”
I jerk my head to Brooks, wondering if this is news to him. He nods. “I knew. Like I said, when I turned eighteen, my parents told me everything.”
“Travis is a good guy. He’s just caught up in a bad business. He was born into it, and he wanted to make sure his son wouldn’t have the same upbringing he did, being burdened into taking on the family business.” When she talks about Travis, it’s obvious that she loves him. Her eyes shine bright, the lines around her eyes wrinkle from her smile.
She tells us stories from when Travis was a child and teenager. I can’t help but grin, listening to the things he did. She talks more about his and my mom’s relationship. That she never saw him act that way toward a woman before or after my mom.
By the time we leave, I feel so much closer to Brooks. We agree that we want to be part of each other’s life. Especially since he has Presley.
He wraps his arms around me when we get to the door. “Travis and I have lunch every three or four months…if you’d like to join us,” he says. That must be why Travis was in the city when he dropped by to see me a few months ago.
I look over at Lexi sleeping in Aiden’s arms and then back to Brooks. I think about the scars on my wrists caused by being Travis’s daughter and even though they are almost completely gone on the surface, the emotional scar will never fade. And I can’t bring that world into Lexi’s.
“I can’t,” I murmur. “I have too much to risk.”
He nods. “I get it. I just wanted to put it out there so you didn’t think he was picking favorites.” He laughs to lighten the mood. My competitive side wants to say he’d pick me, but I keep my mouth shut. That’s one race I don’t want to enter.
Chapter fourteen
“Wake up, birthday girl.”
Lexi rolls over, looks at me, and then puts her arms out into a stretch. “It’s not my birthday yet. My birthday is November 10,” she says, yawning. She sits up in bed. Her bed hair is crazy. It looks like a caramel poof of cotton candy.
“I know that, but we’re celebrating all weekend.” Her birthday is officially tomorrow but this is her first birthday without her family, and I want to make it extra special for her. “So get up and let’s eat so we can go have some fun,” I say, leaning over and tickling her. Her eyes widen.
“Fun? Where are we going?” She jumps up on her bed. I stand and start walking out of the room.
“You’re just going to have to get up and see.”
“Wait for me!” She jumps off her bed and comes running after me. I run into the living room where Aiden waits with her first surprise.
A squeal so loud I’m certain it just woke up every neighbor I have comes out of her mouth. She takes a flying leap and lands on the human-size, white teddy bear. “I love it,” she says, her voice muffled from her face being buried in the belly of the bear.
When she digs her way out of the bear she jumps into Aiden’s arms. “Thanks, Aiden.”
“You’re welcome, Tater Tot.” He kisses her on the head. “You need to eat so we can go ride some rides.”
She jumps up and down. “Are we going skydiving?” I laugh out loud. That would be a no.
“Lulu, do you know what skydiving is?” I ask.
She nods her head. “It’s a ride and we fly through the air.” She has pictures from when Aiden and I went, but I guess she doesn’t realize how far up we were. Aiden’s sitting on the couch with his fingers over his lips, contemplating something. If he thinks we’re taking Lexi skydiving, he better think again.
“You do fly through the air, but you jump out of a plane.” Her eyes widen in surprise.
“Like Max’s airplane?”
“It was out of Max’s airplane, but a different one than you’ve been on,” I reply.
Her mouth drops open and her little brows furrow. “I don’t think I want to go skydiving.”
“Tater Tot, it’s so much fun. Flying in the sky like a bird.” I glare at Aiden. What is he thinking? I just had her convinced it wasn’t a good thing. She glances at Aiden. Her lips pucker as she thinks.
“I can’t fly like a bird,” she says, her tone serious. “I’ve tried. I hurt my knees.” She points to her knees.
“Yeah, Aiden, she can’t fly. She’s too young,” I say through gritted teeth so maybe he’ll get the hint and stop trying to convince her. Instead, he winks at me and flashes a mischievous smile as he stands up. I narrow my eyes and shake my head.
“No, we’re not going skydiving. But I think you’ll love it when you do go.” He picks her up and throws her in the air like a ragdoll. She yelps on her way down. When he catches her, he says, “Today, we’re going to Coney Island.” She throws her hands in the air and screams in excitement. Then wraps her arms around his neck and squeezes.
“I haven’t been there before, but my brother went last year. I wanted to go so bad, but my mom said I was too young.”
“You’re a big six-year-old now,” Aiden says. “You’re definitely old enough.”
She grabs his face with her hands and whispers, “I’m not six until tomorrow.”
He leans his forehead against hers. “Shh. Nobody has to know that.”
Great. Now he’s encouraging her to lie. We’re going to make fantastic parents.
When we pull out of the parking garage, I glance back at Lexi in the backseat. She’s flashing a grin as big as her face. She’s bouncing with excitement. Her smile is infectious. I love looking at her little face.
The drive isn’t too long. Lexi and Aiden sing to the music on the radio. It melts my heart to hear them together.
“Tater Tot, if you look over there you can start to see a roller coaster,” Aiden says, pointing out my window. Lexi squeals and claps. “Look, you can see the ocean, too.”
“Are we going to swim in the ocean?” Lexi asks excitedly.
“The water is too cold,” I respond.
“Okay,” she sighs.
“But I brought a picnic and a blanket so we can eat on the beach and find some shells.”
“Yay!”
The sound of roller coasters and the smell of carnival food greet us as we walk toward Luna Park. Lexi skips between us, holding our hands. Her random squeals when she sees a new ride she wants to try only adds to my own excitement.
***
It’s hot for November. Dozens of rides later, we’re ready for lunch. Aiden volunteers to go back to the car to get the blanket while Lexi and I hang out at a restaurant on the boardwalk. I’m sitting down enjoying a Dr. Pepper, and Lexi is skipping around.
Can I please have some of that energy?
People walk up and down the boardwalk in droves. This is the place to people watch. To our left there’s a group of people dancing to the restaurant’s blaring music. Lexi joins them and they all cheer her on. I laugh as she tries to mimic some of their moves, like the robot and the running man. I look do
wn at my watch. Why is Aiden taking so long? I’m hungry. He needs to hurry his ass up. I glance in the direction he’ll be coming from. No Aiden. I sigh. I should have gone.
I look back to my left at Lexi.
Where did she go?
“Lexi,” I call out. I’m sure she’s behind someone and I just can’t see her. I wait a few seconds before calling her name again, but I still don’t see her.
I jump out of my seat as my eyes dart from spot to spot. Panic shocks me momentarily so I have no idea what to do. My throat constricts as I stand frozen in place. Finding my voice, I yell out “Lexi” over and over and run to the people who are dancing. “Where…little girl. Where did she go?” My words come out jumbled. I hold my hand to her height. “Did you see where the little girl who was dancing went?” My voice is rushed. The people shake their heads and look around too when they sense my panic.
“Lexi!” I scream. I grab my phone and try to call Aiden, but my mind and fingers aren’t working on the same wavelength. I keep hitting the wrong buttons. Frustrated, I shove my phone in the back of my pocket and continue to look in between people. There are so many people here. Where can she be? I scream her name again. And again.
My heart drops into my stomach each step I take. Every scream I yell. Every second I can’t find her. I’m so frantic my eyes can’t stay in one place for more than a second. By now I have more people’s attention. A few men come up to me asking what she looks like, what’s she wearing. I squeeze my eyes shut. What is she wearing today?
“She’s wearing…” Fuck! Why can’t I remember? “Oh! She’s wearing black shorts and a turquoise blue shirt. Her hair is in a ponytail. Blondish brown. She’s five and her name is Lexi.” Her description rolls off my tongue as my memory clears the panic for a second.
When I hear “Addison,” I spin around, hoping someone found her. Then I remember I didn’t give anyone my name. Aiden. I run toward him, and my heart plummets. I lost Lexi.
“Aiden, she’s gone,” I cry and then quickly spin around to keep looking for her. “I only took my eyes off her for less than a minute and she wasn’t there.” I can’t breathe. I grab my chest.
“Where was she last?” When I don’t answer him, he yanks on my arm to get my attention. “Addison, where was she last?” I point to the spot where she was dancing. “It’s okay. We’ll find her. You go that way, I’ll go this way.” He points in the direction he wants me to go. I nod my head and start walking and looking. But what if we don’t?
I find my voice again, but my frantic cries grab the attention of more and more people. Soon there are at least a dozen people searching for Lexi. I hear my name again, and I turn in the direction it was called from. Aiden is yelling and waving his hand.
Please tell me he found her. He gives me the thumbs-up, so I take off in a sprint.
Relief spreads over my body the second my eyes lock on to her. I fall to my knees and grab her in a tight embrace. “Lexi! Where did you go?”
“I just went in the ice cream shop,” she says quietly. I pull back and look at her and then up at Aiden. He’s holding an ice cream cone; it’s dripping down his hand.
“How did you get ice cream?” I ask slowly, looking back at her. She looks down and her shoulders drop. I grab her hands, squeezing them so she looks at me. “Lexi, it’s okay. I just need to know how you got the ice cream.”
“I was looking at all the flavors and the worker asked me if I wanted one.”
I take a deep breath, trying to keep my emotions at bay. “Lexi, you know better than that.”
When she looks back at me and notices my watery eyes, her huge eyes fill with tears and her top lip starts to quiver. “I’m sorry, Addie,” she cries, wrapping her little arms around my neck. “I didn’t mean to make you mad. I’m sorry.” Her back shakes with sobs. I pick her up and hold on to her tight.
“I’m not mad, sweet girl. I was just really scared because I couldn’t find you.”
I watch Aiden walk to the trashcan as he throws away the melted ice cream. A police officer intercepts him as he’s coming back. I don’t want Lexi to hear Aiden talking to the officer, telling him what happened, so I walk her back into the ice cream shop.
Lexi’s face is still tucked into my neck. I can feel the wetness and heat from her tears on my hair. “Lulu, do you want another ice cream?” I ask softly, feeling bad she’s so upset.
She looks at me with red-rimmed eyes and nods. I order her another ice cream while I tell her to sit down at the table so I can have a chat with the worker.
I narrow my eyes at him while I decide what to say. His eyes dart to Lexi and back to me. He must know immediately that I’m not happy. He can’t be older than eighteen.
He holds his hands in the air. “She said she was allowed to have ice cream. She was singing while she was looking at the flavors and I thought she was a cute little kid, so I gave her a scoop. I’m sorry,” he says quickly. I watch him fidget with his apron strings. I can tell by the way he’s so nervous that it was an innocent gesture. “Please, don’t tell my boss, he’ll fire me and I need this job.”
“I’m not going to tell your boss,” I say. “But it’s probably a good idea not to be handing out ice cream to kids without their parents around.”
He nods and apologizes again. While he scoops her ice cream, I look back at Lexi. She’s resting her head atop her hands on the table. Her little lips curl up on one side as she looks at me. I smile at her pitiful look.
The door jingles and I look back, thinking it’s Aiden. A mother with two girls comes in. She softly smiles at me and then at Lexi. She instructs her kids to go sit down by Lexi. One of her girls looks to be around the same age as Lexi. The mom comes and stands by me.
“Are you okay?” she asks sympathetically, softly placing her hand on my back.
I take a deep breath in and blow it out. “Not really.” I look back at Lexi, and she is smiling now, talking to the girls. Coming down from my adrenaline high is making my stomach twist, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I’m handed Lexi’s ice cream and I take a bite, hoping it’ll calm my stomach. Guilt starts to spread inside me. They’ll never give her to me if they find out that I lost her.
“Don’t beat yourself up over what happened to your daughter. It can happen to anyone. I’m pretty sure I’ve misplaced mine a time or two.” I don’t know why, but I feel a little better having a mother validate me and not judge me. Before Lexi, I would have. I would have been the one to wonder how a mother can lose her kid that easy.
I sigh. “Thank you.”
I motion to Lexi to come get her cup of ice cream and she skips over. As soon as I hand it to her, she skips back to her new friends. I gaze at her, thankful she’s okay.
I hear the door jingle again, and Lexi jumps out of her chair. The scraping noise echoes off the glass tile walls. “Aiden,” she screams and runs into his arms. He lifts her up, and she wraps her legs around him. “Are you mad at me?”
“Tater Tot, never. But I don’t want you to ever take off without telling us again,” he says, pulling his head back so he can see her face. She nods with wide eyes.
“I won’t. I promise.”
Aiden looks at me. “Are you ready to go?”
“We’re not going to the beach?” Lexi whines.
“How about we go another day. I think we’ve had enough fun for today.” Our eyes meet and I nod in agreement.
“Okay,” she says, sticking out her bottom lip. “It’s my fault anyway.” Her shoulders slump and she leans her head on his shoulder.
Aiden grabs her chin and lifts it. “Hey! Everyone makes mistakes. We just need to make sure we learn from them.” She nods her head again, and he kisses her on the forehead before putting her down.
While Lexi tells her new friends goodbye, I step in front of Aiden. “Can I breathe now?” I whisper. My voice hitches with emotion. “I feel like I’ve been suffocating the last half hour.” A tear falls down my cheek. His hand cups my face, and his thumb wipes
away the tear. I lean into his palm.
He pulls me into him, and I grab onto his shirt. “It’s alright. She’s safe,” he murmurs. His arms wrap around my shoulders, and he digs his face into my neck. Time stands still as we hold each other up. Moments in time flash through my head, replaying today’s events. I need to let go of the what ifs. They didn’t happen. Lexi is safe. I exhale, releasing the anxiety inside of me. When little hands wrap around both of us, I feel complete. My world is put back on its axis.
For now, I can breathe again.
***
When we walk into the apartment, I notice Lexi being unusually quiet as she heads to her room. I tilt my head as I watch her walk to her room. Her head is down, and it looks like she’s crying. It’s been a long day for all of us, but I don’t know why she would still be crying. I follow her and when I enter her room, she’s on her bed, facedown. Her little shoulders shudder as she lets out a little cry.
“Lulu, what’s wrong?” I ask gently, sitting down beside her. I rub my hand on her back. She rolls over and it breaks my heart to see her tear-filled eyes. She sniffs and her upper lip trembles.
“Are… are…” she stutters, “…are you going…to send me away?”
What? Why would I…What the hell? Her words catch me off guard and it takes me a second to respond. “Lexi, why would I send you away?”
“Be-be-because I did something really bad. You might not want me anymore.” She sniffs again. Picking my heart off the floor because it just shattered into a million pieces, I pull her up into my arms and hold her tight.
“Lexi. No matter what you did, I would not send you away. I love you,” I say as tears roll down my face. “So much, sweet girl.”
“I’m sorry, Addie,” she cries into my chest.
I pull back so I can see her eyes. “Stop apologizing, Lexi.” She nods her head slowly. “Why would you think I would send you away?” I wipe a few tears away that have run down her cheek. I know I’m her foster parent, but I’ve never given her any reason to think her stay here is temporary.