Surrender

by Kitty Thomas

  "O-one."

  "Good girl."

  Despite the shock and indignity of the pain he'd just caused, when he said good girl, something weird happened in her stomach. It was like a small glowing warmth-this weird sort of-pleasure. What the fuck? No! No. This was not who she was. She had managed to get through everything at Dmitri's house. She hadn't liked any of it and that was the part that somehow allowed her to keep herself together. She didn't like this either, obviously, but why did hearing him call her a good girl cause that reaction?

  She should hate him. She should murder him in his sleep, assuming he didn't lock his door at night.

  The second lash seemed to come out of nowhere. She was so lost in thought trying to process everything that she'd forgotten more were coming.

  "T-two," she stammered out.

  Each time the whip came down, it seemed to sting a tiny bit more than the time before. She was sure he was going to break her skin. Or that he'd keep going. Or that he'd fuck her against his promise or do something else awful.

  "Julie, I feel like you aren't with me here. Does this need to be harder? I'm going easy on you for your first punishment."

  This was going easy? "N-no."

  "Number?"

  "Seven."

  Her arms burned hanging as they were in the leather cuffs. She'd somehow lost track of her nudity. Officially, she was mortified, but-there were bigger issues.

  The eighth lash came down much harder than the others. It pulled her out of her endless tangle of thoughts. Her mind went utterly and completely silent. There was nothing now but the sharp bright burn against her flesh, the sound of the heat purring gently through the vent, and Gabe's unflinching presence that seemed to suck up all the air. It wasn't that she heard him-she felt him, this energy that emanated from him and rolled out over her, covering her like a blanket.

  "Julie!"

  "Y-yes?" Tears had started to move down her cheeks again, but they weren't the softly rolling tears of before. They'd morphed into pathetic convulsive sobs.

  "What number?"

  "E-eight." I hate him.

  "Good girl."

  And then that stupid horrible fucking flutter again, that glowing warmth in her stomach. It made her feel as though she'd become invisibly attached to him.

  The last two lashes were slightly more tolerable. He'd gotten what he'd wanted from her. The tears. That little break in something that she couldn't quite find and didn't know how to patch up. At Dmitri's all the other broken places she'd found a mental game or rationalization or just a way to cope. But this-there was no way to cope with that-that flutter. She hadn't begged him to stop once he'd gotten started. What was wrong with her?

  Gabe undid the blindfold and returned it and the whip to the box he'd gotten it from. Then he took something else from a second box. A black silk robe. He returned to her without a word and undid the cuffs around her ankles and wrists. She collapsed against him and he gently set her down on the ground while he put everything else back up.

  He pulled her to her feet and helped her stand. He helped her into the robe, then he picked her up and carried her out of the room. He was careful not to press against the welts he'd left on her back. She laid her head on his shoulder as he carried her, up the stairs, down the narrow dark hallway, through the foyer. Julie was dimly aware of the milling about and whispering but she didn't raise her head up off Gabe's shoulder.

  He carried her up the next flight of stairs and to her bedroom, then he locked the door, took her over to the bed, and laid her down.

  "Take the robe off and lie down on your stomach. I'll be right back."

  Again, that weird urge to do what he said had her obeying him. She wanted to say it was fear or survival, self-preservation, but she'd responded this way to him from the moment she'd met him. So fear alone couldn't explain it. When she took the robe off the cool air pressed against the warmth of her back.

  Gabe returned and sat on the edge of the bed. She flinched when something cold touched her skin.

  "Relax. It's a salve to soothe the welts."

  He spent the next several minutes rubbing the cool cream gently into her back. "The welts will fade in a few days," he said. "You might not want to wear a bra until they do."

  "Okay."

  "Are you ever going to do anything like what you did this afternoon again?" he asked.

  "No." Mainly because she was too confused by how she was feeling. What had happened in the dungeon had been painful, but it had been more like a controlled demolition than anything else. He hadn't lost control, or been angry. Once he'd started, she wasn't scared. How was she not scared?

  Back at Dmitri's she'd been convinced that somehow if she ever escaped she would be okay. The core of who she was would still be there. But she couldn't believe that anymore. How could she? Something inside her must have broken beyond any ability to repair it. Why hadn't she tried to fight Gabe? Why hadn't she screamed or begged once he'd started?

  It wouldn't have done any good of course. Maybe it would have made things worse. She wanted more than anything to believe she'd just been too afraid. But she knew that was a lie. She'd been less scared once he'd started than she was on their first date when he'd pressed her against the wall to kiss her a little too aggressively. There was some impossible thing inside her that trusted him. Even with the surveillance and bringing her to the house. It wasn't anything logical that she could lay out on a pro/con list. It was-this feeling.

  Gabe finally got up and went to the drawer to get her some panties, shorts, and a T-shirt. He remained silent as he helped her get dressed, then went back into the bathroom for a moment. When he came back out, he had a hairbrush. She actually cringed, like he was going to hit her with it or something, but he sat down behind her and started brushing her hair.

  What the fuck was he doing? Rubbing cream on her back. Brushing her hair? This was so weird. She felt like this was some weird brainwashing technique. What was that thing she'd learned about in college-the Patty Hearst thing-some syndrome-Stock... something. Anyway, that had to be what he was doing.

  As if reading her mind, Gabe said, "Typically, when people do this in a more consensual situation, this is called aftercare. This happens after heavy play, but I do it after punishment also to make sure you're okay and that you feel safe. I know this is all very strange to you."

  "You punished me. Like you had the right to..."

  "If you hadn't thrown something at me, it wouldn't have happened. Did I harm or damage you?"

  "No, but it's not right. It's-weird and gross and-wrong."

  "If you say so." He set the brush down on the night table. "We're going to have dinner in about an hour out here on the balcony. I'll bring it up. Go find Annette and borrow a nice dress from her for dinner. Something backless."

  "I..." She wasn't calling him master and he wasn't fucking her-yet-or doing other weird kinky things to her. And yes, she had thrown something at him, so maybe she had instigated what happened in the dungeon. Maybe. But it still felt wrong. It felt like he was trying to slowly ease her into being his slave...and she'd already said...

  "Did you not agree to have dinner with me? Did you change your mind?"

  "I-no, dinner is fine."

  "Good, go get dressed. Annette will help you get ready."

  She stood and went to the door. Gabe's voice stopped her.

  "Julie, you will be mine. I'm more sure of it now than I've been since I met you. You didn't have the experience to know what you wanted. And you still don't have it. But I've seen enough women come through these doors to know a sub when she comes apart under my whip. You will beg to wear my collar."

  She didn't turn around or argue with him; she just left because there was a small part of her that was scared he might be right.

  Chapter Seven

  Gabe pressed the number three on the intercom and ordered up a special dinner from Phyllis. He wanted to take Julie out someplace nice. Like Sakura. Maybe it would be good for her. But he didn'
t quite trust yet that she wouldn't call attention and try to get help. Besides, at the moment he also still worried about running into someone from Dmitri's house. Brian and Mina needed to dismantle their operation and all the people inside his organization. Then Gabe might feel safe to take Julie out into the real world again.

  Of course, if they killed everyone in Dmitri's organization, what further noble excuse would he have to keep Julie prisoner? For the moment, he could still see it as some kind of twisted protective custody. Maybe after Dmitri and his guys were gone, Gabe could convince himself he was keeping her because she was a threat to his house and would put them all in danger. But he wasn't sure he believed that. Yes, he worried she might still seek help if given an opportunity, but if he let her go—once Dmitri was taken care of—Gabe didn't really believe she'd go to the police.

  Even after one day here, he knew she wouldn't betray him. She already felt the pull to him. Maybe it was a stupid thing to worry about. The way she was going, she'd be in his collar well before the hit on Dmitri's house went down. Then there would be nothing to consider.

  Now more than ever he regretted not sticking around. He could have dated her. He could have given her a chance. She'd been so innocent. Of course she didn't know what she wanted. But he'd been afraid he was only seeing what he wanted to see because he wanted her so much. Not every woman was like this. Plenty fantasized occasionally but most didn't actually want this life.

  And those who did tended to have some fucked-up fantasies from a pretty early age. The fact that she'd seemed so innocent made it seem impossible she would want this, that she could want it. But he hadn't been mistaken in the dungeon. Something had happened down there. And now he was convinced.

  If she wasn't like him, she would have begged and screamed once he got started. Or she would have frozen up in fear. But she wouldn't have fallen under that almost hypnotic wave. She wouldn't have surrendered pieces of herself to him. She wouldn't have trusted him. She shouldn't have anyway. Kinky or not, after the stuff with Dmitri, Gabe couldn't imagine how she'd found a space to trust him. But he was grateful for it.

  He'd mentally berated himself the entire way down to the dungeons, and Mina's speech hadn't helped. He felt like a monster punishing this girl one day after she got here, when he'd told her he'd protect her and keep her safe, but he couldn't let her get away with things like that.

  Gabe crossed to a mirror on the wall and lifted the sleeve of his shirt. A bruise was already forming. The girl could throw. On some level, he had to admit it was pretty funny, even if he was the one who'd gotten hit with it. Mina was right about that much. He didn't want to kill the thing inside Julie that gave her that kind of bravery. He just didn't want her using it against him and undermining him in the house.

  ***

  Gabe sat out on the balcony. The table had been set: a nice white linen tablecloth with a thin white-on-white pinstripe, candles, flowers, Italian food. He stood when Julie stepped outside in a backless black dress like he'd requested. He wanted to see the marks he'd left on her. He'd wanted everyone in the house to see them as well. It was part of why he'd wanted Annette to help her get ready—so she'd have to walk through the house with those marks on display.

  She might not be wearing his collar yet, but she was wearing something of his at least.

  Gabe pulled her chair out and she sat.

  "Gabe?"

  "Hmmm?"

  "I-is this a date?"

  "Yes, this is a date. I asked you to dinner. You said yes. Did you think it was just a friends thing?"

  "N-no. But I didn't know it was a-date."

  "Does that bother you?"

  She shrugged. "I already told you-I-I can't be who you want me to be. I'm not-"

  "You're not what?"

  "I can't happily fall down at your feet and be your slave. Don't you get that?"

  Gabe poured her some wine and pulled the silver lids off the food. "Eat. Before it gets cold."

  She took several bites, as did he, and he started the second interview. "Why can't you be my slave?"

  Julie looked up, startled. "What do you mean why? Do you want the list?"

  "Yes. Give me the list. Don't leave anything out."

  "There's what happened at Dmitri's for starters. I don't know if I can ever get past that and I'm afraid any kind of sexual relationship with a man will be tainted by what happened to me. And that's not even getting into all the weird shit you're into."

  Gabe nearly choked on his food and took a sip of wine. It wasn't that he wasn't glad she felt so free to be that honest, he was just surprised.

  "Are you okay?" she asked.

  He smiled. "Fine. Continue your list."

  "Well, I mean-and you don't like to share, well I don't like to share either. If I was with you, I don't know if I could watch you be with other women. Though maybe I could because it might mean less weird stuff for me. I-I can't wrap my mind around this stuff and don't think I could..."

  Gabe put his fork down and interrupted while she floundered adorably for more words. "Every time I tell you to do something, you do it. It's like you can't help yourself. You like obeying me."

  Her face blanched. Maybe a little too much too soon. But it was true. She had to know she was doing it.

  "I don't think-no-I-I don't know why I do that. I-I'm not usually like that with people."

  Gabe nodded. "And then down in the dungeon. That reaction is not the reaction of a truly vanilla soul, you know."

  She started to cry. Oh shit. He hadn't meant to make her cry. He'd just wanted her to see that yes, this could work. They could be happy, if she'd give it half a chance and stop second guessing and judging herself.

  "I know. Something's wrong with me. From Dmitri's. I don't know what. I don't-I don't know why I reacted that way, but it's got to be something wrong with me. It's not-it's not normal. And I don't think I ever would have-if-"

  "You're not broken. You reacted to me before Dmitri."

  "I know-but not-to-you didn't hit me!"

  "You make it sound like I punched you or threw a dildo at your head."

  Julie laughed. "Sorry. I'm still upset about the cameras. I'm still changing in the bathroom. I don't want you to-even though you saw in the dungeon..."

  Gabe held up a hand to stop her before she tripped all over herself again. "I know. Julie, listen. I never expected something like this to happen. I didn't think I needed or wanted anything deeper with anyone than what I already had with the girls at the house. Then I met you and I thought I'd do normal with you, and kinky with them. But after months of trying to convince myself otherwise and trying to forget you, I found that was impossible. I can't lie to myself anymore. I want it all with you. I always thought that if I did have something like that, there would be no question that the woman I was with was a hundred percent into it as well. I didn't imagine I would pretty much buy someone or that I would rescue-kidnap them. I didn't think it would be someone who didn't even know if she was kinky. I want you. I know you wanted me. I think you still want me. And I think you're far kinkier than you think you are. I'm not sure how to navigate what you've gone through, but I can't pretend that I'm not going to keep trying to win you over to my side."

  "But what if I never come to your side?"

  Gabe sighed. Yeah, that was a good question. What if she was too stubborn? What if she resisted and never came around? What if she wouldn't let herself have this thing with him because, God only knew what, was rattling around in her head trying to convince her she couldn't have it, shouldn't have it, that it was too dangerous. That it was wrong.

  "Gabe?" she prodded.

  "I said I wasn't going to hurt you. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if you don't come around. Let's date like a couple of normal people with none of the weird stuff as you call it. And let's just see what happens. I promise you I won't do anything kinky or strange or overly controlling until you agree and are in my collar. Okay?"

  Julie looked back at her plate, unsur
e. "O-okay, but what about what happened in the dungeon?"

  "What about it? I told you the rules. As long as you behave like a civilized and moderately respectful human being, that won't happen again. Though, if you want to know the truth, I think you want it to."

  Her face flamed at that. He was right. He knew he was fucking right. It took every ounce of self-control to not slap a collar on her and force her to be what he wanted her to be. More than anything now because he knew it was who she was already. But it would break her and he would never have her trust. And he wasn't Brian. Even Brian had behaved more civilized when it came to the woman he'd wanted in his collar.

  After several minutes of silence Julie finally said, "Okay, we can date. Like normal people. But-even without the kink, I'm not sure about..."

  Gabe knew where she was going with this. She wasn't sure about sex. If she could handle normal sex after Dmitri's house. That was always going to be there, lurking in the shadows. Gabe swallowed the bite of food he'd been chewing and held up a hand to stop her again, no sense in letting her torture and contort herself this way trying to make him understand something he already understood perfectly well. He wasn't a fool.

  "Julie, listen. I don't mean sex. I mean getting to know each other. Having dinner together. Spending time together. Maybe affection, but I'm not asking for sex. I don't want that in a vanilla context anyway. If we go to that place, it will be only if you're in my collar and we're doing all the other stuff as well."

  She finally relaxed a fraction. "Okay. I can do that."

  Gabe put down his fork, got up from the table, went to the far end of the balcony, and looked out over the property. He was so glad they were outdoors. He didn't think he could deal with this conversation inside. It would be too stifling.

  "Gabe? Is...did I say something wrong?"

  He turned back toward her. She looked so lost. If only she could trust him. For a week. If she'd give him a week of total trust and submission, she would see this was right for her, for them.

  "Look, I don't want this to be something you have to force yourself to do. Are you not attracted anymore? You wanted me for months. Even after our first date where I scared you, you still begged me not to leave you and to take things slowly. I'm offering that and you act as though this is some sort of sentence. If your feelings have somehow changed..."