by Gary Chapman
When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will feel not affirmed but belittled. A request introduces the element of choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To know that my spouse loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emotionally that she cares about me, respects me, admires me, and wants to do something to please me. We cannot get emotional love by way of demand. My spouse may in fact comply with my demands, but it is not an expression of love. It is an act of fear or guilt or some other emotion, but not love. Thus, a request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.
More Ways to Affirm
Words of affirmation is one of the five basic love languages. Within that language, however, there are many dialects. We have discussed a few already, and there are many more. Entire volumes and numerous articles have been written on these dialects. All of the dialects have in common the use of words to affirm one’s spouse. Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals. If you are not a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest that you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.” When you read an article or book on love, record the words of affirmation you find. When you hear a lecture on love or you overhear a friend saying something positive about another person, write it down. In time, you will collect quite a list of words to use in communicating love to your spouse.
You may also want to try giving indirect words of affirmation—that is, saying positive things about your spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for love. Tell your wife’s mother how great your wife is. When her mother tells her what you said, it will be amplified, and you will get even more credit. Also affirm your spouse in front of others when he or she is present. When you are given public honor for an accomplishment, be sure to share the credit with your spouse. You may also try your hand at writing words of affirmation. Written words have the benefit of being read over and over again.
I learned an important lesson about words of affirmation and love languages years ago in Little Rock, Arkansas. My visit with Bill and Betty Jo was on a beautiful spring day. They lived in a cluster home with white picket fence, green grass, and spring flowers in full bloom. It was idyllic. Once inside, however, I discovered that the idealism ended. Their marriage was in shambles. Twelve years and two children after the wedding day, they wondered why they had married in the first place. They seemed to disagree on everything. The only thing they really agreed on was that they both loved the children. As the story unfolded, my observation was that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over for Betty Jo. Betty Jo worked part-time, mainly to get out of the house. Their method of coping was withdrawal. They tried to put distance between each other so that their conflicts would not seem as large. But the gauge on both love tanks read “empty.”
They told me that they had been going for marriage counseling but didn’t seem to be making much progress. They were attending my marriage seminar, and I was leaving town the next day. This would likely be my only encounter with Bill and Betty Jo. I decided to put everything on the table.
I spent an hour with each of them separately. I listened intently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of the emptiness of their relationship and their many disagreements, they appreciated certain things about each other. Bill acknowledged, “She is a good mother. She also is a good housekeeper and an excellent cook when she chooses to cook. But,” he continued, “there is simply no affection coming from her. I work my tail off and there is simply no appreciation.” In my conversation with Betty Jo, she agreed that Bill was an excellent provider. “But,” she complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me, and he never has time for me. What’s the use of having the house, the recreational vehicle, and all the other things if you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?”
With that information, I decided to focus my advice by making only one suggestion to each of them. I told Bill and Betty Jo separately that each one held the key to changing the emotional climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “is to express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.” We reviewed the positive comments they had already made about each other and I helped each of them write a list of those positive traits. Bill’s list focused on Betty Jo’s activities as a mother, housekeeper, and cook. Betty Jo’s list focused on Bill’s hard work and financial provision for the family. We made the lists as specific as possible. Betty Jo’s list looked like this:
He hasn’t missed a day of work in twelve years.
He is aggressive in his work.
He has received several promotions through the years.
He is always thinking of ways to improve his productivity.
He makes the house payment each month.
He’s a good financial manager.
He bought us a recreational vehicle three years ago.
He keeps up with the yard work or hires someone to do it.
He is generous with finances.
He takes the garbage out once a month.
He agrees that I can use the money from my part-time job any way I desire.
Bill’s list looked like this:
She makes the beds every day.
She keeps our house clean and orderly.
She gets the kids off to school every morning with a good breakfast.
She cooks dinner about three days a week.
She buys the groceries.
She helps the children with their homework.
She transports the children to school and church activities.
She teaches first grade Sunday school.
She takes my clothes to the cleaners.
I suggested that they add to the lists things they noticed in the weeks ahead. I also suggested that twice a week, they select one positive trait and express verbal appreciation for it to the spouse. I gave one further guideline. I told Betty Jo that if Bill happened to give her a compliment, she was not to give him a compliment at the same time, but rather she should simply receive it and say, “Thank you for saying that.” I told Bill the same thing. I encouraged them to do that every week for two months, and if they found it helpful, they could continue. If the experiment did not help the emotional climate of the marriage, then they could write it off as another failed attempt.
The next day, I got on the plane and returned home. I made a note to call Bill and Betty Jo two months later to see what had happened. When I called them in midsummer, I asked to speak to each of them individually. I was amazed to find that Bill’s attitude had taken a giant step forward. He had guessed that I had given Betty Jo the same advice I had given him, but that was all right. He loved it. She was expressing appreciation for his hard work and his provision for the family. “She has actually made me feel like a man again. We’ve got a ways to go, Dr. Chapman, but I really believe we are on the road.”
When I talked to Betty Jo, however, I found that she had only taken a baby step forward. She said, “It has improved some, Dr. Chapman. Bill is giving me verbal compliments as you suggested, and I guess he is sincere. But he’s still not spending any time with me. He is still so busy at work that we never have time together.”
As I listened to Betty Jo, I knew that I had made a significant discovery. The love language of one person is not necessarily the love language of another. It was obvious that Bill’s primary love language was words of affirmation. H
Your Turn
Share instances with your spouse when words had a profound impact on your life—positively or negatively.
If your spouse’s love language is
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:
1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:
Words are important!
Words are important!
Words are important!
2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day.
On Monday, I said:
“You did a great job on this meal.”
“You really look nice in that outfit.”
“I appreciate your picking up the dry cleaning.”
On Tuesday, I said:
etc.
You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.)
4. As you watch TV, read, or listen to people’s conversations, look for words of affirmation that people use. Write those affirming statements in a notebook or keep them electronically. Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your spouse. When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
5. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare! You may someday find your love letter tucked away in some special place. Words are important!
6. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
7. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
8. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse’s back and in her presence.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
chapter 5
LOVE LANGUAGE # 2
Quality Time
I should have picked up on Betty Jo’s primary love language from the beginning. What was she saying on that spring day when I visited her and Bill in Little Rock? “Bill is a good provider, but he doesn’t spend any time with me. What good are all our things if we don’t ever enjoy them together?” What was her desire? Quality time with Bill. She wanted his attention. She wanted him to focus on her, to give her time, to do things with her.
By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention—not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!
When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.
One medicine cannot cure all diseases. In my advice to Bill and Betty Jo, I made a serious mistake. I assumed that words of affirmation would mean as much to Betty Jo as they would to Bill. I had hoped that if each of them would give adequate verbal affirmation, the emotional climate would change, and both of them would begin to feel loved. It worked for Bill. He began to feel more positive about Betty Jo. He began to sense genuine appreciation for his hard work, but it had not worked as well for Betty Jo, for words of affirmation was not her primary love language. Her language was quality time.
I got back on the phone and thanked Bill for his efforts in the past two months. I told him that he had done a good job of verbally affirming Betty Jo and that she had heard his affirmations. “But, Dr. Chapman,” he said, “she is still not very happy. I don’t think things are much better for her.”
“You are right,” I said, “and I think I know why. The problem is that I suggested the wrong love language.” Bill hadn’t the foggiest idea what I meant. I explained that what makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally.
He agreed that his language was words of affirmation. He told me how much that had meant to him as a boy and how good he felt when Betty Jo expressed appreciation for the things he did. I explained that Betty Jo’s language was not words of affirmation but quality time. I explained the concept of giving someone your undivided attention, not talking to her while you read the newspaper or watch television but looking into her eyes, giving her your full attention, doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly. “Like going to the symphony with her,” he said. I could tell the lights were coming on in Little Rock.
“Dr. Chapman, that is what she has always complained about. I didn’t do things with her, I didn’t spend any time with her. ‘We used to go places and do things before we were married,’ she said, ‘but now, you’re too busy.’ That’s her love language all right, no question about it. But what am I gonna do? My job is so demanding.”
“Tell me about it,” I said.
For the next ten minutes, he gave me the history of his climb up the organizational ladder, of how hard he had worked, and how proud he was of his accomplishments. He told me of his dreams for the future and that he knew that within the next five years, he would be where he wanted to be.
“Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Betty Jo and the children?” I asked.
“I want her to be with me, Dr. Chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she is always so negative.”
“Are you beginning to see why she is so negative, Bill?” I asked. “Her love language is quality time. You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind—your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you. There’s only one answer, Bill, and it’s costly. You have to make time for Betty Jo. You have to love her in the right love language.”
“I know you are right, Dr. Chapman. Where do I begin?”
“Do you have your legal pad handy? The one on which we made the list of the positive things about Betty Jo?”
“It’s right here.”
“Good. We’re going to make another list. What are some things that you know Betty Jo would like you to do with her? Things she has mentioned through the years.” Here is Bill’s list:
Spend weekends in the mountains (sometimes with the children and sometimes just the two of us).
Meet her for lunch (at a nice restaurant or sometimes even at McDonald’s).
Get a babysitter and take her out to dinner, just the two of us.
When I come home at night, sit down and talk with her about my day and listen as she tells me about her day. (She doesn’t want me to watch TV while we are trying to talk.)
Spend time talking with the children about their school experiences.
Spend time playing games with the children.
Go on a picnic with her and the children on Saturday and don’t complain about the ants and the flies.
Take a vacation with the family at least once a year.
Go walking with her and talk as we walk.
“Those are the things she has talked about through the years,” he said.
“You know what I am going to suggest, don’t you, Bill?”
“Do them,” he said.
“That’s right, one a week for the next two months. Where will you find the time? You will make it. You are a wise man,” I continued. “You would not be where you are if you were not a good decision maker. You have the ability to plan your life and to include Betty Jo in your plans.”
“I know,” he said. “I can do it.”
“And, Bill, this does not have to diminish your vocational goals. It just means that when you get to the top, Betty Jo and the children will be with you.”
“That’s what I want more than anything. Whether I am at the top or not, I want her to be happy, and I want to enjoy life with her and the children.”
The years have come and gone. Bill and Betty Jo have gone to the top and back, but the important thing is that they have done it together. The children have left the nest, and Bill and Betty Jo agree that these are their best years ever. Bill has become an avid symphony fan, and Betty Jo has made an unending list in her legal pad of things she appreciates about Bill. He never tires of hearing them. He has now started his own company and is near the top again. His job is no longer a threat to Betty Jo. She is excited about it and encourages him. She knows that she is number one in his life. Her love tank is full, and if it begins to get empty, she knows that a simple request on her part will get Bill’s undivided attention.
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