“You need to see a shrink.”
“Then we’ll make a double appointment because if I’m fucked, you can bet your ass you’re the same. See you at breakfast, bro, I can’t wait to see the disapproval on nonna’s face, it will brighten my day.”
He whistles as he leaves me slumped against the wall, and I lean back and breathe out slowly. My ribs hurt, my fists hurt and my face is on fire but none of them hurt as much as I do inside my heart. I know Isabella will leave me, if I’m sure of anything it’s that.
Chapter 35
Isabella
Somewhere between the sun rising and the moon fading, I make my decision. It’s the right thing to do. I know in my heart it is, but it won’t be easy.
With a heavy heart, I shower and dress in a simple cotton dress and brush out my pink hair, tying it securely in a ponytail. Then I grab the things I need and stare at a person I appear to have lost sight of.
The girl who looks back at me is someone I thought I’d never see again. She became a woman within these walls and learned a valuable lesson. A lot has happened in a very short space of time and I have loved every minute of it.
However, last night proved to me that I will never be free of the past and need to deal with it before the future takes me down a path that scares the hell out of me. It’s promising a wild ride and one I may not survive, which is why I can’t wait another minute. It’s time.
I pack a small bag of things I need and wonder what will happen next. Will he let me do this? Will it be easy to walk away and leave this behind me? I hope so because I need to do this for both our sakes.
Just before I leave, I take a long look around the pretty room that I love with a passion. Dante did this for me, made a piece of paradise in an arid desert. Made an oasis of calm for me to retreat to when the flames burned high and it brings a lump to my throat.
As I pass Luca’s room, I picture him sleeping soundly, his arm tucked around his blue elephant with the promise of a fun filled day ahead of him. Elena is taking him to the zoo with a few of his friends, shadowed by the usual protection, and I shiver a little. This world they created is so beautiful but edged in darkness. They love and protect with a fierce kind of love, and it can be a little suffocating at times. Freedom is something I always thought I’d have, but even I know I will never be free here. The thing is, I will never be free wherever I go because of who I am. Isabella Rose Grey is a marked woman and it’s time to deal with that as only I can.
I head downstairs and meet Elena on her way to Luca’s room. If she’s surprised to see me, she disguises it well and I see the knowing look she shoots me and know she understands.
“Isabella, I see you’ve made your decision, a little prematurely perhaps, but then again, possibly long overdue.”
I nod and my voice shakes a little as I say softly, “Will you help me, Elena?”
The expression in her eyes floors me. For a woman who shows no emotion, I suddenly see behind the veil she wears so well and see a woman who cares - deeply. I see compassion, understanding and despair and I feel bad for what she is feeling right now.
To her credit, she just nods and says in a low voice, “What do you need?”
“A cab, please. No guards, no protection and no questions. I need to slip away quietly before anyone notices and I don’t want anyone to follow me.”
The flash of disappointment in her eyes makes my heart sink and she nods, saying tightly, “Of course, follow me.”
My heart thumps as I follow her to the front of the house and wait patiently as she murmurs something to a nearby guard who just nods and speaks into his headset. They are always around, lurking in the shadows and watching over a family who live in hell most of the time. I don’t even notice them anymore because I appear to have become de-sensitized to normality since walking through these doors and I know I need to do this for all our sakes.
It takes ten minutes before the cab pulls up outside and my heart thumps madly for all of them. What if Dante sees me? What if he tries to stop me, how will I control this situation? The thought of seeing the hurt, pain and damage in his eyes makes me gag.
However, wherever he is, it isn’t anywhere near here because as the cab stops, Elena turns to me and says sadly, “So, this is goodbye.”
I can’t trust myself to speak and impulsively hug the cold matriarch of this family and whisper, “Thank you, Elena. I need to do this for Dante, please understand.”
She stiffens in surprise and then her arms fold around me and I feel her emotion as she whispers, “Take care of yourself, my darling.”
Tearing away, I run down the white stone steps and wrench open the door of the cab before I can change my mind. As we pull away, I don’t look back because if I did, I may change my mind. I must leave to survive and no matter how much it pains me to do this, I will never be free if I don’t run toward the light and take in a deep breath of reality.
I should have done this months ago and if I’m sure of anything, it’s that.
Chapter 36
Dante
She’s gone. As soon as I make it back to the main house Marcus falls into step beside me and whispers in my ear. The rage, the fury and the disbelief bubble up inside and I vent my anger on him.
“You allowed her to leave?”
My eyes narrow and he blanches as I make a fist and swing it hard, feeling the crack of bone as it connects with his face. Romeo jogs up behind me and grabs my arm as I prepare to finish the job and growls, “Get a grip, Dante.”
He says roughly, “Leave before you can’t.”
As Marcus heads off, I feel the pain burning me up inside. The white rage that consumes my entire body makes me wish Romeo would take a gun to my head and put me out of my misery. Isabella has left—me, Luca, the life I had planned.
I can’t deal with it, it’s happening again, the pain, the loss, the devastation. She has ruined me—again, and I only have myself to blame.
Romeo steers me through the house like a cowboy herding cattle and pushes me into the den and locks the door behind us, pushing me into my usual chair and holds out the bottle of whiskey, “Take this and get a grip, don’t let them see you like this.”
As the fire of whiskey collides with the ice in my heart, I struggle to understand what’s happening. Isabella has left me and they let her walk away. I am so angry I want to kill every mother fucker in this place who let my woman leave and yet know there is only one man to blame for that—me.
Placing my head in my hands, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut as Romeo murmurs something in his phone and I know just who he is talking to.
He cuts the call and I fix him with a dark look. “You didn’t need to do that.”
“I think I did.”
“Why, afraid that I’ll do something stupid?”
“No change there then.”
Romeo grabs the bottle from me and drinks heavily from it and then says sadly, “You think I don’t know how you’re feeling. Well, I do. Your pain is my pain because we’re brothers. I’ve seen you break before Dante and the glue never fixed you in place. You walked and talked and went through the motions, but we were waiting for you to shatter with every bump in the road. Isabella was a stronger glue that held you together and for a moment there, I thought you had made it through. Now you may fall to pieces and I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen, so yes, I called Lucian because he needs to know. We will deal with this as brothers for the sake of only one person—you.”
His words do little to soothe a tortured soul, and my head spins as I think about what just happened. Isabella’s gone. She left in a cab and nobody stopped her. She walked away from me because I went too far. I want to tear my own fucking heart out because it dared to let her in. Once again, I have allowed a woman to break me and as the darkness sets in, I picture finding her and showing her what it means to betray me in the most torturous way. Then I picture her sweet innocent eyes looking at me with so much hate and disgust, I know I wouldn’t be able to d
o it. She was right to walk away, she deserves better, they all do because I am not worthy to hold on to a woman who is so much better than me.
So, I do the only thing I know how, I retreat into the darkness of my own soul. It closes around me and keeps the world out, and I shut down before my brother’s eyes. Romeo stands guard by the door like an angry prison guard and I know he is right to do so. He’s protecting me from making the biggest mistake of my life by tearing this house apart. He is making me calm down and accept this shit because it’s a place we’ve all been before. Nobody ever stays, they all leave and I wish I could join them.
It doesn’t take Lucian long to arrive and as he enters the room, his razor-sharp stare finds me and I see the pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dante.”
“Are you?”
“You know I am.”
I laugh like a maniac. “No, ‘I told you so.’ That isn’t like you brother. You like to be proved right most of the time. Why is this an exception?”
“Because you’re my brother and I love you.”
The silence falls between us as the atmosphere changes. I think we are all in shock as we just stare at one another, the words surrounding us with surprise.
I love you.
Three simple words that we have never voiced all the time we transitioned from children to men, struggling to deal with the shit we inherited.
Lucian sits in his chair and Romeo does the same and we pass the bottle of whiskey around as we share a moment none of us have ever done before.
The emotion in the room is palpable as we shut the world out and enjoy being brothers again and then Lucian turns to Romeo and says darkly, “Although that love is being sorely tested by you at the moment Romeo, what’s your problem?”
He looks between us and I almost raise a smile. We must look like the living dead as the bruising to our faces tells a story much better than words. The blood has dried on our hands and bodies and it looks as if we’ve been at war and lost the battle and Romeo just shrugs, “I’m good. We all have to deal with this fucked up life in our own way. Mainly by fucking a willing woman to drive away the demons, and some of us aren’t lucky enough to find one that wants to see behind the madness. I do what I must to survive and Dante needs to do the same.”
Once again, the pain drives a knife through my heart as I realize what I’ve lost. Isabella was so sweet, so perfect, and so mine. How did I let her slip through my fingers by pulling her into hell with me, knowing she would never understand this side of me? I should have been smarter, but I wanted her to see the whole of me, accept me for who I am and love me. I was a fool. Who could ever love someone so damaged? I only have myself to blame.
“What happens next, do you want us to bring her back?”
Lucian, as practical as ever voices what I’m sure we’re all thinking.
“No.” My voice sounds hard and unfeeling, and they look at me with anxious eyes.
Taking another swig of whiskey, I shrug. “I never want to see her again.”
Slamming the bottle down hard, I stand and glare at my brothers. “I’m going for a shower and to see my son. Then I’m heading downtown to clean up some business I have a hunger to take care of personally.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Maybe you should stay with Luca today, calm down and let it all sink in.” Lucian looks concerned, which enrages me further.
“NO!” My voice is hard and angry and I snarl. “I will not let another woman destroy me. I have Luca to protect, he needs me to be strong. Isabella is dead to me now; she made her decision and that’s fine by me.”
I don’t stop to see the look in their eyes telling me they don’t believe a word of my little speech. My words sound empty even to me, and yet I need to gather my damaged heart in both hands and apply pressure. I can’t think about her, I can’t let her destroy me because I have Luca to hold me together this time. He is more important than anything, and I was a fool to ever think I deserved the love of a woman like Isabella, anyway.
Chapter 37
Isabella
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
I stare at the man across from me and see the compassion in his eyes.
“I do, sir.”
He closes the leather-bound book on his desk and taps his pen on the cover of it, looking thoughtful.
“It’s a big move. Perhaps you should think about this for a while before signing anything. Maybe take advice on the matter first.”
“Mr. Harrison.”
I pull myself up and sit straight-backed in my chair and try to look as if I do things like this every day.
“I have thought of little else ever since I learned the details of my grandmother’s will and I know this is right for me.”
“You still have six months, Miss. Grey. The terms of your grandmother’s will have not been fulfilled. We need a letter from your employer to set things in motion and we can’t do that until you have served out notice.”
Taking a deep breath, I fix him with a cool look. “I know that, Mr. Harrison, but I am here to give you fair warning. Please have the necessary paperwork drawn up in the meantime. It should give you plenty of time to set things in motion and then, when my inheritance comes through, we should be in a position to get things moving.”
He leans back in his seat and looks shaken, making me feel a little sorry for the kind lawyer that has apparently been a friend to my grandmother over several years. He looks almost upset, and yet I lock away any feelings of uncertainty. I know this is the right decision—for me. He just doesn’t understand why? I’m not sure if I do but I knew one thing as I stared at the dawn rising, I couldn’t wait one minute more and had to be brutal in my execution.
He makes to speak but I stand, signifying the end of our conversation. “Six months, Mr. Harrison. I trust that will give you enough time.”
He nods and stands, offering me his hand, and I see a trace of respect pass across his face. “Miss. Grey, your grandmother would be very proud of you.”
“I doubt that, you see, we never really knew each other. I’m guessing what I’m about to do would be against every belief she ever had.”
I smile ruefully and he nods. “You may be right, but if it’s any comfort, I’m proud of you, Miss. Grey.”
For a moment we just stand staring at each other as the full force of my decision hits home. We both know the enormity of what I’ve just requested and perhaps I am being brave, or just incredibly stupid. Either way it’s done now and once I made up my mind, there was no going back.
I leave the lawyer’s office and flag down another cab.
There’s another stop I need to make and as I lean back against the battered leather seat, I say loudly, “St Mary cemetery please?”
As I look out of the window and see normal life continuing, I wonder how Dante took news of my leaving. I’m under no illusions he would be angry. I’ve escaped. He warned me not to. Will he come after me, can I expect a car to run us off the road and a visit to the warehouse? Thinking of the last time I went there, I shiver inside. So cruel, so dangerous and so addictive. I had to leave, for both of us. I needed to do this because it was long overdue.
It doesn’t take long before we pull into the peaceful cemetery and I consult the hand written plot number that Mr. Harrison wrote down for me. My grandmother’s final resting place.
The cab comes to a stop and I say firmly, “Please can you wait, I won’t be long, I’ll pay you double the fare.”
He nods and I smile briefly before heading toward the place I should have visited before. I know that now. Not coming to pay my last respects as her one remaining family member was cruel and childish. Now I know what she did to help me, I feel guilty and ashamed. Edwina Stanford-Major, how I wish I had given her the time of day, spoken to her about the past and my parents. Found out her story without judging her on tales that were woven into the fabric of time, and maybe things would have turned out differently.
It doesn’t take me long to find her gra
ve, resplendent with a large white marble stone with her name etched in gold. Even in death she set herself apart from the rest, showing her power even in the afterlife. For a woman who had no family, it is remarkably well attended. Knowing her, she probably arranged for this before she died. She was always a planner which is why I’m surprised she never planned for what happened with my mother. Could she have saved her from the life she fell into with a little foresight and quick thinking?
The flowers by her grave appear fresh and I look at them with interest. Yellow roses. Beautiful flowers standing proudly in the sunshine, signifying life over death.
Dropping to my knees, I reach out and touch the cool marble and whisper, “I’m sorry, grandmother.”
Out of nowhere, a tear escapes and I brush it away furiously. I don’t deserve to cry over her, I never earned that right.
“I wish I knew you, I mean, the person you were inside because I’m guessing you had a lot to teach me and I just want you to know that I’ll try not to let you down like my mother did. I may already have but at least I’m on the right track now. Well, I think I am.”
I’m not sure why I’m even saying this. She can’t hear me, then again, maybe she can. I like to think some small part of her soul is here, watching, listening, understanding and, I hope, forgiving.
Vowing to return on a regular basis, it strikes me that at least I can care for her in death to repay her generosity in providing for my future.
I make my way back to the cab and as I sit back in the seat, he turns and says loudly, “Where to now?”
I rattle off the address and his eyes widen and he whistles out slowly. “That’s some impressive address, are you sure you got that right?”
“I’m sure.”
We move away from the cemetery, leaving me free to wonder what I’ll find when I get there.
The Throne of Hate: A mafia romance (The Romano's Book 2) Page 16