by Amy Clipston
Ellie stared at her plate as the aroma of barbecued meat loaf, mashed potatoes, and string beans caused her stomach to sour. She couldn’t get the image of Lloyd’s anguished eyes out of her mind.
“Ellie?” Mamm’s voice broke through her mental tirade. “What’s wrong, mei liewe?”
“I did something terrible.” Ellie’s voice hitched on the last word. “I think I’ve lost Lloyd’s friendship forever.”
“What happened?” Mamm asked, putting her fork on her plate.
Ellie explained how she showed the carved bird to Gene after he gave her the news about her hours, and then she described the scene at the Blank farm. Mamm’s eyes filled with empathy when Ellie told her how upset Lloyd looked.
“You were right, Mamm, and I should’ve taken your advice.” Ellie’s voice quavered. “I’ve made a mess of things, and now Lloyd will never trust me again. When Gene finds out I didn’t get permission to show him the carved bird, he won’t trust me either. I was too impulsive, but when Gene said he was going to cut my hours, I panicked.” Tears sprinkled her cheeks as her emotions poured from her broken heart. “I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to buy groceries if he cut my hours, and I thought selling the birds might help the store and save my job.”
“Just calm down, Ellie.” Mamm handed her a napkin. “I imagine Lloyd is upset, but you can always apologize. We all make mistakes sometimes. Explain to him that you didn’t mean for this to get so blown out of proportion, but you will make things right. You’ll tell Gene you didn’t have permission to show him the carving and you realized it was a mistake. Both Lloyd and Gene will understand, and it will all be forgiven and forgotten.”
Ellie wanted her mother to be right, but she knew it was more complicated than that. “I went against Lloyd’s wishes. He won’t ever trust me again.”
Mamm reached across the small table and touched her hand. “Lloyd is a gut man. He will forgive you.” Her expression brightened. “I think he cares about you. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. When you talk to him, speak from your heart, and he will listen.”
Ellie wiped her eyes and nodded. “I hope you’re right.”
“I know I am. And, Ellie, I think both of us need to trust that God will care for our needs. We don’t have to worry so.” Mamm pointed her fork toward Ellie’s plate. “Now, eat your supper.”
Ellie forked a piece of meat loaf, and even though it normally was her favorite, it tasted like sawdust. Deep in her soul she was certain she’d lost Lloyd forever, but she prayed her instinct was wrong—and for forgiveness in letting her worry get the best of her.
Chapter Eight
Ellie scrubbed a breakfast dish in hot, frothy water the following morning. She glanced out the window as she worked and yawned. She’d spent most of last night tossing and turning as she recalled the hurt expression on Lloyd’s handsome face. She turned her mother’s advice over in her mind and wondered if she could somehow find the right words to apologize to Lloyd.
A knock on the back door startled her. She dried her hands on a dish towel as she made her way to the mudroom. When she saw Lloyd scowling at her from the porch, she gasped. She tossed the dish towel onto a bench and opened the screen door.
“Lloyd?” Ellie searched his face and found hurt and anger brewing in his eyes. “How are you?”
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Ya, of course.” Ellie smoothed her hands over her black apron and stepped out onto the porch. She sank onto the glider as Lloyd leaned against the railing across from her. His posture was rigid and his expression was frosty as he crossed his arms over his chest. She missed his warm smile and wondered if she’d ever see it again.
“I was awake most of last night,” he began. “I kept trying to figure out why you went against my wishes and tried to sell my carvings behind my back after I told you more than once that I wasn’t interested in selling them.”
“Lloyd, I—”
“Wait, please.” He held up his hand to shush her. “Let me finish. I gave you that carving as a gift, a special gift in memory of Seth, and you used it to go behind my back and show it to Gene. You betrayed me, Ellie.” His frown seemed more sad than angry, and it bore a hole in her soul.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she began, her voice thick. “I was wrong, Lloyd. Please forgive me. I made a mistake.”
Lloyd ran his hand down his face and gritted his teeth. “I just don’t understand it. That dove was meant for you and only you.”
“I know that.” A single tear trickled down her hot cheek. “I will explain everything to Gene and tell him that I didn’t have permission to show him the dove. I’ll tell him you had made it clear that you didn’t want to sell the carvings. Let me explain it all to him, and I’ll make it right.”
He shook his head. “I just don’t understand what you were thinking.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly.” She stood and took a step toward him. “Please forgive me. I can’t stand the thought of losing your trust and your friendship. Let me fix it, Lloyd. Please.”
Lloyd regarded her with disappointment. “I don’t think you can fix this. My father is angry with me now. He thinks I went behind his back to try to sell the carvings, and he had already made it clear that it is a wasteful and prideful hobby.”
Ellie gasped. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to make things difficult between you and your dat.” She swiped another tear. “Let me talk to him.”
“No, you’ve done enough.” His words stung, and for a moment neither of them spoke. Then as he walked toward the steps, his boots were heavy and loud, cutting through their painful silence.
“Lloyd.” She started after him. “How can I make this right? There must be a way.”
He shot her a glare over his shoulder. “I told you I don’t think you can fix this, Ellie.”
“But I have to. I don’t want to lose your friendship.” She folded her hands, pleading with him.
“Unfortunately, you’ve already lost it.” He descended the steps as tears flowed from her eyes. “Tell your mamm I’m working in the barn.”
As Lloyd walked away, Ellie sank down on the porch steps and dissolved into sobs.
Ellie sat alone at the youth gathering a week later. She had wanted to stay home, but Mamm insisted she get out of the house and see her friends after sulking for so long. She’d tried to talk to Lloyd when he came to the farm to help with chores, but he avoided her, saying he was too busy to talk or insisting there was nothing left to say. She had explained to Gene that she’d made a mistake when she shared the carving, and Gene told her it wasn’t a problem. He and Phoebe would try to find something else to sell. Ellie was thankful that she still had her job, though it was now only one day a week and she and her mother were making every dollar stretch until God provided another solution. But she wanted to win Lloyd’s friendship back. She missed him so much that her heart ached for him.
“Ellie?” Rebecca sat down beside her in the grass parallel to the volleyball games. “Are you all right?”
“Ya, I’m fine.” Ellie tried to force a smile, but it was weak.
“What’s wrong? You’ve been acting strange all evening.”
“I made a mess of things with your bruder.” Ellie’s voice quavered, but she fought against her threatening tears. She explained what happened when she shared the wooden dove with Gene and then the subsequent fallout between Lloyd and her. “When Gene said he was going to cut my hours, I panicked. Mei mamm and I need my paycheck to buy groceries. Seth used to cover all our household expenses with his salary from the shed company. Now that he’s gone, we’re struggling to stay afloat.” A single tear splattered on her cheek and she pushed it away.
“Ach, Ellie.” Rebecca squeezed her hand. “I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me you and your mamm needed help?”
“I didn’t want to burden anyone.” Ellie sniffed. “I never meant to hurt Lloyd. I’ve tried to apologize to him, but he won’t talk to me. I’ve lost his friendship, and
it’s eating away at me. I miss him, and I want to make things right. I want to fix this.”
Rebecca frowned. “So that’s why he’s been in such a rotten mood.”
“What do you mean?” Ellie brushed away another stray tear.
“He’s been moping and snapping at everyone at the haus.” Rebecca crossed her legs under her purple dress. “I had a feeling something was bugging him, but he wouldn’t talk to me. I imagine he misses you as much as you miss him. I tried to convince him to come tonight, but he refused. He said he had something to do, but I didn’t believe him.”
Ellie sighed. “I have been trying to figure out what I could say or do to make things right between us, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried talking to him when he came to work on our farm, but he refuses to listen. Do you have any advice?”
Rebecca pulled at a blade of grass while she thought for a moment. “Why don’t you let me talk to him?”
Ellie nodded with emphasis at the glimmer of hope. “That would be wunderbaar. Please tell him I’m sorry, and I’ll do anything to make things right between us. Tell him I miss him, and I want another chance to be his friend.”
“I’ll do my best.” Rebecca patted her arm. “Lloyd sometimes listens to me, so I’ll give it a try when I get home tonight.”
Ellie smiled her first genuine smile since she and Lloyd stopped speaking. “Danki.” She silently prayed Rebecca could make Lloyd realize how much she missed him and wanted his forgiveness.
Lloyd sat on the back porch and looked up at the stars glimmering in the clear sky as cicadas sang in the distance. For over a week he’d tried to put Ellie and her beautiful smile out of his mind, but no matter what he did, his thoughts always turned to her.
This evening he found himself wondering if she had gone to the youth gathering. Had she been disappointed that he hadn’t gone, or had she found another young man to spend time with in his place? The thought of Ellie liking someone else sent jealousy coursing through him, even though he was still angry with her. How could he be angry with her but not want her to like someone else? The paradox made no sense at all.
The clip-clop of a horse coming up the rock driveway signaled that his sisters were home from the gathering. He met them at the barn, and after Rebecca and Marie climbed down from the buggy, he began to unhitch the horse.
“I’ll help you,” Rebecca offered.
“I’ve got it,” Lloyd insisted. “You can go in the haus.”
“No, I want to talk to you.” Rebecca’s voice was full of determination. “I’ll help.”
They unhitched the horse, and he led it into the barn. After stowing the animal in the stall, they walked together toward the house.
“I spoke with Ellie tonight,” Rebecca began, and Lloyd stopped in his tracks. “She was really upset.”
Lloyd stared at Rebecca, holding his breath as he waited for her to continue.
“She misses you, and she’s heartbroken.” Rebecca rested her hands on her hips. “She never meant to hurt you, and she can’t figure out how to make things right between you. I can tell she loves you, Lloyd. You need to forgive her.”
“Ellie hurt me.” Lloyd finally admitted the words aloud, and a weight lifted from his shoulders. “She betrayed my trust, and I don’t know how to forgive her. She went against my wishes by trying to sell my carvings.”
“I know that.” Rebecca’s brown eyes were full of understanding. “And Ellie knows that too. Do you know why she tried to convince Gene to consider selling your carvings?”
Lloyd shrugged. “She just wanted to see them at the store.”
“That’s not it at all.” Rebecca shook her head. “Seth’s paycheck used to cover all their household expenses. Now that Seth’s gone, Ellie and Margaret don’t even have enough money for food. It’s true that she was still considering showing him the dove because she believes so much in your talent, which is why she took it to work with her. But she was still reluctant to go against your wishes until Gene said he had to cut her hours because sales are down. When she heard that, she panicked and showed Gene the carving.”
“What?” Lloyd felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach.
“Ellie had hoped that by selling your carvings she could not only help you have confidence in your work, but help Gene also, and save her job. She had no idea Dat told you your hobby was prideful. You didn’t share that with her.”
“Why didn’t she tell me things were that bad for her and her mamm?” Lloyd asked, his voice thick with emotion. “I even asked her once if they were all right.”
Rebecca shook her head. “I don’t know why she didn’t tell you, but she didn’t even tell me until now, and I’ve been one of her best friends since we were kinner. She feels terrible for going behind your back. She regrets it, and she wants to make it up to you. You have to give her a chance.”
Lloyd studied his hands as her words soaked in. Why hadn’t Ellie felt she could tell him she needed help? Hadn’t they become close enough over the past weeks? Guilt and shame coursed through him. Why wasn’t he a better friend to her?
“You’re both miserable, Lloyd,” Rebecca continued. “You need to talk to her. We all make mistakes, but it’s also our way to forgive. So stop being so stubborn and forgive her. She loves you, and you love her too.”
He nodded. “You’re right.”
She smiled. “I know I am. Now, tomorrow you can tell her you forgive her.” She pointed toward the house. “Let’s go in. It’s getting late.”
Lloyd followed her up the steps, and his thoughts turned to Seth. He remembered how Seth told him he would always take care of his mother since his father had passed away. When they reached the porch, he stopped at a new thought. His carvings were an opportunity to help Seth take care of Margaret and Ellie and also keep Seth’s memory alive.
“Becca,” he said, making her turn around. “I just had the best idea. Do you think Mamm and Dat are still awake?”
“They might be.” She gave him a befuddled expression.
Lloyd hurried through the kitchen and family room to his parents’ bedroom. He spotted faint light flickering under the door, and he knocked softly.
“Come in,” his father’s voice called.
“Dat?” Lloyd asked, pushing the door open. “I need to discuss something with you.”
Both his parents were propped up in bed reading. They lowered their books to their laps and studied him.
“What’s going on?” Dat asked.
“I have an idea, and I want you to hear me out.” He stepped into the room and Rebecca followed him. “You have already agreed with me that we need to do what we can to help Margaret Lapp. Well, I believe that my carvings could help her.”
His father shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
“Ellie told me she took the job at Gene’s store to help support her mother. I only found out tonight how much she needs the job. Although her onkels make the mortgage payments on their farm, Seth used to take care of all the household expenses, including buying groceries. Now that he’s gone, they have no money for food,” Lloyd continued as he stood at the foot of the bed. “Gene has cut back the number of hours Ellie can work because sales have been down at his shop. Ellie thinks my birds can help boost their sales.
“I want Gene to sell my carvings at his place, and I’ll give all the money I earn to Margaret and Ellie. My carvings will help support them since Seth isn’t here to take care of them anymore.”
“That’s a great idea,” Rebecca said as she sidled up to Lloyd.
His father scowled. “I don’t know. It’s still prideful to sell those birds.”
“How is that prideful?” Mamm asked, placing her book on her bedside table. “Seth used to make sheds to support his family. Lloyd will be doing the same thing, except that he’s making birds.”
“I agree,” Rebecca chimed in, grinning at Lloyd. “I think Seth would love that, and Ellie will too.”
“Dat, please,” Lloyd continued. “I really w
ant your permission for this. God has put this in my heart. I believe my birds are supposed to help someone, and I want to use them to help Margaret and Ellie. Please give me your blessing on this.”
“I think it’s a wunderbaar idea, Wilmer.” Mamm touched Dat’s hand. “Other people are helping Margaret, and this is another way for us to help, giving Lloyd our blessing and supporting his efforts.”
His father nodded and his expression softened. “You’re right, Lydia. We need to do our part by approving this plan. You have my blessing, Lloyd.”
“Danki.” Lloyd smiled as hope flourished in his soul. “Gut nacht.”
Lloyd followed Rebecca out to the kitchen. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier.”
“Ellie will love it.” Rebecca touched his arm. “This is a wonderful way to help her and her mother.”
“I can’t wait to tell her.” He started for the back door.
“Where are you going?” Rebecca asked.
“I’m going to see Ellie,” he said.
“But it’s late,” Rebecca called after him.
“I can’t wait until morning.” Lloyd sprinted out the back door and down the porch steps. As he hurried to the barn to retrieve his horse and buggy, he hoped Ellie was still awake.
Ellie was drifting off to sleep when she thought she heard the sound of horse hooves crunching up her driveway. She leapt out of bed and peeked out the window. She gasped when she saw a horse and buggy making its way to the back porch.
She pulled on her robe and rushed down the steps to the back door, pushing it open just as Lloyd climbed the steps.
“Lloyd?” she asked, clutching her robe tight to her body and hoping Mamm was still asleep. “What are you doing here?”
“I had to talk to you.” He gestured toward the glider. “Would you please sit with me? I promise I won’t take too much of your time.” His expression was anxious, and his warm eyes pleaded with her to say yes.