‘Your fault? Terrified? I don’t yet fully understand these words.’
How could I make him understand what was at stake without introducing those concepts? Why couldn’t he just trust me? I had been brought up to believe that the more knowledge you had the better off you were, but I was beginning to understand how even a little bit of information could be a dangerous thing in some situations.
‘Did Annie explain to you why the people here can’t cross into Eden?’ I asked, stretching out my toes to free a gum leaf from a tiny whirlpool. Numbness crept into my ankle bones.
‘She did. Although I’m not certain I understand completely. They are not permitted to eat the Fruit because they are tainted.’
‘Yes. And I’m worried that if you spend too long here you’ll also become tainted, and will not be permitted back either. It might already be too late.’
He pondered that solemnly, sitting in the shallow current, his uninjured hand skimming over a smooth rock just below the surface. He picked it up and studied it as he spoke.
‘When I first arrived there was no food, and the air was strange. I had never felt so hungry, but then it passed and I became …’ He made his hand tremble.
‘Shaky?’
‘Shaky,’ he agreed, tasting the new word. ‘And I tried to eat some leaves but my body wouldn’t keep them in.’ His face looked haunted at the memory. ‘There were no people to help me, and I was cold. I was about to turn back when I came to a wide track that had clearly not been made by animals. I followed it because I knew there would be people. Many cars passed me and I was startled. I didn’t know what they were. They were so fast. If they knocked me over there would be no Fruit to help so I felt … worried?’
Worried? He must have been scared witless. I nodded for him to continue.
‘When the man, Jarrad, stopped to help me, I was so grateful I forgot what Annie had told me about kissing without permission. He still helped me. Then I had my first ride in a car.’ His eyes lit up—a hint of the Dallmin I knew in Eden. ‘It was awesome, Lainie! And when we reached the town there was so much to see, so much that was new. Some of it was not fun at all, but much of it was amazing. There were so many new people to meet, even if most of them didn’t want to talk to me. The ones who did were very interesting.’
Droplets flicked from his fingers as he began to emphasise his story with signs, becoming more animated as his story progressed.
‘Did these people become tainted so they could understand things better? Is that what gives them such power over the world? They control food and temperature, and shelter, and even light. They can fly, Lainie. Is that what the taint gives you?’
Panic rose as I tried to think of what to tell him. I could tell him what else an understanding of good and evil brought with it. I could explain about war and murder, abuse and greed, but Nayn had been right to warn me. Understanding brought accountability. Being able to judge what was good and what was bad would mean having to take responsibility for each and every choice. Even the thoughts in your head. How could anyone possibly stay untainted at that point without divine intervention like Noah and I apparently had? It left me at a complete loss.
‘Please trust me, Dallmin, you don’t want to understand. I need you to go back to Eden and return to Annie. I won’t give you any more rules. You can talk out loud to anyone you want, and do whatever you like. I understand how much you want to fly, and so I will help you, but please don’t become tainted!’ Without even noticing that I’d stood up, I stumbled towards him as if I could just drag him back home by his earlobe, or magic him away somehow. Of course my feet were so numb that I fell over with a graceless splash.
He waded over to me, pulled me up and held me to his chest like I was a child, which to him I sort of was. It was probably the only thing he knew to do with someone who was crying, since only children did anything remotely like crying in Eden. His instincts were pretty good. I tried to focus on the river again, allowing its delicate symphony to restore my sense of balance and peace. Trailing my fingers in the icy current, I felt the life within it curl around us.
Dallmin tilted his head and watched me commune with the water. ‘I can hear the song, far away, and very soft. Does that mean this river could still heal me like the one at home?’ He inspected his bandaged hand, considering.
‘The River heals? I didn’t know that. How does that work?’
‘It heals when we touch it or drink it. It is part of the Living Trees.’ He frowned slightly. ‘No, that’s bad English. The River and the Trees are together in life.’
‘You mean they form part of the same system of healing? Like a symbiotic relationship?’ That would explain a lot, and also held some worrying implications. I had more or less tried to avoid the Living Fruit, but not the River. Had I damaged the Garden inadvertently? And were all the rivers in Eden the same? Poor Dallmin was still trying to answer my question and I realised ‘symbiotic relationship’ might be a bit beyond his understanding.
‘The Trees and the River are linked. They have the same basic substance. When we eat the Living Fruit, the sting is washed away by the water. It … pays … for our healing by travelling, travelling, travelling, travelling … Like money pays for your food here.’
Woah. I had to stop forgetting that he was a clever and inquisitive man with who-knows how many years of experiences to back up his intellect.
‘How old are you, Dallmin? I mean, how many years have passed since you became fully grown?’
‘I don’t count years, there are too many, it would be like asking you how many days it has been since you were born.’ His lips curled up into a slight smile. ‘We do mark the seasons in … fifty? Is that the right number? But I have never thought to count how many of those I’ve seen. And anyway, I don’t know that I am fully grown yet. I’m not ready to move across. There are so many new things to do. When I have done them all then I will be, how do you say it? A grown up.’
And with that declaration, he leaped out of the water and chased me around, laughing and trying to paint my arms with mud symbols. Then he suggested we make animal sculptures out of twisted branches to decorate the baby’s room with and I had to remind him to make them small enough to fit through the doorway. When he finished his eagle he laughed again and agreed that it would have to be hung outside the window. The river had at least done its job of healing his melancholy disposition.
Chapter 25
‘The ice cream goes in the freezer, usually,’ Tessa pointed out, nibbling on a second biscuit that she didn’t even really want. The act of nibbling seemed to help settle her queasiness though. She had her feet up again but there was nothing she could do to relieve the constant feeling of breathlessness and aching ribs. There was simply no longer enough room in her chest for her lungs. If the baby grew much bigger something was going to have to go into storage. Maybe her spleen. She could live without a spleen for a few weeks, surely. Still, as useless as she was, apparently someone was needed to supervise the packing away of the food because Noah apparently ‘had to have a shower to clean off someone else’s blood’ and was therefore too busy to help with the groceries, and Lily had declared that being up to the last chapter of her novel was an established house rule that got her out of doing anything, and Lance Corporal Millard was doing a terrible job on his own. She shook her head as Bane retrieved the tub of ice cream from the pantry, still distracted by the view from the window.
‘She’ll be fine,’ she assured Bane. ‘Chill already. You can’t follow her everywhere. It’s not healthy for any relationship, hard though it is for you. Trust me, I understand.’
‘I know. It’s just that something’s … I haven’t done this for so long. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is hunting for her, looking for an opportunity to tear her limb from limb.’
Lily looked up from her book and her face lost all colour in about half a second, so Tessa threw her biscuit at
Bane, breaking his attention away from the window.
Bane blinked at them both, then nodded and smiled. ‘That was a bit much, huh? Sorry, Lily. As I said, it’s been so long, it takes a bit of getting used to. I’m so worried about messing up again … Do you think maybe she’s going to get sick? This is hardly the best time of year to go swimming in the river.’
Tessa reached for another unwanted biscuit but there were none left in the tin. ‘So let her get sick and then heal her. That would be better than stepping on her shadow wherever she goes. She’s pretty easy going at the moment but the old Lainie wouldn’t like it, so be careful.’
Lily took the ice cream from the fridge and handed it to Tessa, and when Bane noticed what he’d done, he gave up on the unpacking and sat down. Running his hands through his short hair, he exhaled heavily. ‘The old Lainie. The one who practically killed herself to be free of me. She doesn’t remember it though. I have no idea what to do. I can’t keep her away from the Ashbrees forever. Should I try to remind her or let it happen in its own time? What if Nicole says something about her mum and she has some sort of a breakdown? She just seems so childlike and … fragile.’
Tess scooped out a spoonful of ice cream, tried a bit, and decided that there wasn’t even room in her ‘reserved only for dessert’ stomach anymore. She relinquished the spoon to Lily, who swallowed a big mouthful before speaking.
‘Bane, listen to me. She’s tougher than she looks. She only seems childlike because of where she’s been, and she’s anything but fragile. I remember what it was like for Annie whenever she returned from Eden, and she never went there for more than a few weeks at a time. The transition can be horrendous. Lainie was there for years—I honestly think all she needs is a bit of time to adjust.’
‘Annie fell apart! You told me she was on the verge of being suicidal until she decided to go back to Eden for good. She couldn’t cope with living here, it was killing her.’ He was gripping the edge of the table hard enough to crack a knuckle.
‘Annie lost her Guardian. Lainie still has you. You can get her through this,’ Lily countered as Noah entered the kitchen, towelling dry his hair.
Bane looked a little lost as his eyes drifted back to the window. ‘I don’t want to live without her. I’ve tried. I honestly tried. I don’t know what would happen to me if I had to let her go again. I don’t want to be that person.’
‘Give her some time,’ Lily repeated. ‘If the memories come back, then we’ll deal. Until then, the more time that passes, the easier it will be for her to cope. Time is still a great healer. Maybe not as good as other methods but it does work eventually. When her memories return, all you can do is be there for her.’
Bane’s attention was still fixated so solidly on the one Cherub-Guardian team member not in the room that Tess wasn’t certain that he realised his next words were spoken out loud.
‘And when they do, Lainie,’ he mumbled, ‘maybe I’ll finally get a chance to apologise for failing you so badly.’
For the next few minutes Tessa and Lily pretended to ignore each other’s sniffles and worked hard at looking busy, Lily with the shopping, while Tessa circled a heap of things in a baby magazine that she wished she could afford. Noah was checking the footy scores on his phone and didn’t seem to notice anything. It was a relief when Bane finally stopped lining up all the cans in the pantry and headed back to the window.
‘They’re nearly back,’ he announced. The rain had started again, pelting down with frosty vengeance. ‘She’s dancing again. Oh …’ He turned away, leaning back against the sink and squeezing his eyes shut. Tessa craned her neck up but couldn’t see far enough without getting up so instead she turned to Noah. The moment he glanced out the window, he dropped his phone onto the table, forgotten.
‘Oh, good Lord!’ Lily cried as she tried to close the blind. In her haste she only managed to make it snap open even higher.
With considerable effort, Tessa stood up to see what all the fuss was about, and rolled her eyes. Lainie’s wet dress had gone completely see-through. The only person that seemed unaffected was Dallmin. He was spinning around in the icy sleet with his shirt plastered to his chest, oblivious to the sight of her practically naked twirling form. Tessa felt her ears blush.
Breathing deeply, Bane had his eyes fixed firmly on a chip in the tiled floor.
‘Sorry, mate, I really am,’ Noah laughed, sounding not sorry at all as Tess shoved him out of the room. When she turned to retrieve her magazine, Lily was tugging on Bane’s sleeve to try to get his attention.
‘Bane! Go into the other room. Watch TV or something. I’ll get her.’ Lily shooed him out after Noah, shaking her head. Bane took one last pained glance over his shoulder as he left, while Lily plucked her raincoat from the hook on the door and headed out to muster up the frolicking dancers.
Chapter 26
My reflection looked back at me in disapproval as I checked myself in the mirror one last time. Aunt Lily had shoved me into a hot shower, explaining quite bluntly what I had done wrong. She hadn’t sounded cross, exactly, but I still felt bad. And confused. Nakedness was such a non-issue in Eden that I had to keep remembering that people here were affected by it in a primal way that my Eden friends weren’t. At least not often, and when they were it was regarded as a precious and exciting gift. Partnerships there lasted a lifetime, and in Eden that was saying something.
I would apologise to Noah and Tessa, but I had struggled at first to understand why Bane was so upset. I had thought I understood how he felt about me. What did he really want? Flickers of doubt had begun to invade my thoughts. Bane had told me we should take things slow and yet he hadn’t told me why. So I had asked Aunt Lily. Lots of things made much more sense now. I would apologise to Bane and try harder to avoid making him uncomfortable.
Fumbling a little, I buttoned up my shirt right to the top. I had no idea what the current fashions were, and really didn’t care, but it looked a bit silly even to me. Had I forgotten anything? My old jeans looked a bit loose, and yet still felt so constricting. I looked down at my feet in exasperation. My shoes were still down by the river. Somehow I would have to start keeping better track of my things. Possessions were such a hassle. How had I ever thought it was a good thing to keep collecting more stuff? It just meant more things to keep track of and stress over. The only things I’d had in Eden were my photos, and I couldn’t care less about them now that I had the real things. Only, did I have the real things? I still hadn’t seen the Ashbrees. They were in my photos, taken on Christmas Day a lifetime ago. All of us, squeezed together under the majestic rivergum on the lawn, with Noah’s dad, David, looking flustered as he’d raced to get into the picture before the timer went off. The picture had always bothered me but as usual, I tried not to dwell on it.
After giving my hair a quick brush to keep Aunt Lily happy, I bounced out of the bathroom to search for Bane. He was waiting for me in the lounge room, playing the piano.
I started to dance in time and then stopped myself so abruptly that I nearly tripped over the coffee table. Bane chuckled.
‘You can dance all you want, Lainie, don’t stop because of me,’ he said as he smoothly shifted the melody into a light Irish jig. The song suited a complex dance I knew but I resisted and sat next to him instead.
‘Aunt Lily told me why we have to control ourselves. It makes sense. We can’t have a baby yet.’ Then I gave him a mock slap on the shoulder, making him stop playing and flinch away in surprise. ‘Why didn’t you just tell me yourself?’ I reprimanded.
‘Ah. That.’
I waited.
‘Okay, so I chickened out.’
‘Bane—’
‘I know. You had a right to know. I was planning to say something, but I procrastinated because it was an awkward topic, and …’
Again, I waited.
He sighed. ‘And I was afraid that if you knew, you’d stop
flirting with me. I didn’t want you to stop. It felt nice.’
Ha. Knew it.
Bane gave me a wry look. ‘I know I messed up, but do you have to look so smug about it?’
‘Not smug. Proud,’ I explained. ‘You’re finally learning to just tell me what you’re feeling, straight up, without trying to complicate it.’
‘I should have done that in the first place,’ he acknowledged.
‘Exactly. Took you the whole of high school to figure that out, and you still need reminding.’
A smile crept its way onto his face. That secret smile that I was certain no one else had ever seen.
Somehow I resisted the urge to devour it, and cleared my throat instead. ‘So I’ve been flirting more than I should? Sorry if I made things difficult for you.’
My Guardian turned the full force of his enormous grey eyes on me. They shone with such vibrant desire that my heart thumped in response. It was all I could do to remain still.
‘Don’t ever apologise for that,’ he said. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m the only one responsible for my own actions, and reactions. Please don’t stop doing whatever makes you happy. Especially if it involves flirting with me. I’ll be good. At least … until you give me permission not to be,’ he qualified, with another brief flash of his playful smile. He stroked my wrist with his fingertips. They were warm and gave my skin a delicious tingle.
Permission? Oh that was hard. How could I explain?
‘Bane, in Eden when one person craves something, your instinct is to crave for them to have it. And if for some reason you don’t, then you just make it clear and the other person naturally … realigns his desires to match. There is no conflict. And when two people want the same thing individually, the combined power of that mutual desire multiplies itself exponentially. Permission doesn’t need to come into it.’
He undid my top button, his fingers lingering on my throat as he thought about what I was trying to explain, and his touch made every single one of my skin cells pair up and start waltzing.
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