I knew when he started puberty. The very first sprouts of his beard scratched my face when he crushed my mouth with his lips. By then, his kisses lasted more than an instant and he didn't say they were icky anymore.
"Have sex with me," he said one day.
I backed away from him. We had only just started having sex ed courses and I wasn't even really sure what it was. The teacher only showed us strange pictures of our insides and said it was something for adults. I didn't understand why Asher seemed to know so much about it.
"No" I said.
"Come on," he said. "I'll make you cum."
More strange words. What did that even mean?
"No!"
I yelled. Tears were in my eyes. The smiled dropped from Asher's lips and he looked away from me.
"Okay then," he said. "I'll wait for you."
Then we moved.
I watched my whole life shrink in the rear window of my father's car. I never went back. Until now.
There was no social networking back then. We didn't have cell phones, tablets, or any of those things. So Asher just faded into my past like everyone else. His name was just a warm memory. The memory of a young girl's first love.
I turned over and curled with my knees to my chest, trying to ignore the feeling those words brought. First love. What do kids know about love anyway?
I was a different person then. I wasn't the type of girl to fall in love with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks anymore. There were tons of rich guys, successful guys at school.
But still, every time they touched me I thought of him. When these rich guys with their nice apartments stripped off my clothes I always ended up saying no. I couldn't go all the way. Because…
I screwed my eyes shut, burying my face in the giant pile of stuffed animals. I knew the answer but I didn't want to think it. Because of him.
What had happened to Asher? It didn't make sense to me, for him to grow up like this. What made him this way? So gruff, so big, so…sexy.
He was always a little bad, but I assumed that was a phase. I would have never guessed that he would've joined a motorcycle gang. I wasn't even sure what that was. What does it mean? That they like to ride bikes together?
The sky had already started to grow light by the time I stopped flipping through the yearbook. When I closed my eyes and laid my head against the small frilly white pillow, only one word came to my mind.
Asher.
CHAPTER FIVE
"WELL, LOOK WHO'S AWAKE," my mom said. "Nice to see you up, sleepy head!"
I grumbled as I came down the old squeaking stairs. My eyes were barely open, but I could smell something wafting towards me. My stomach growled.
"Listen to that! Sounds like there's a bear in the house."
"Ha ha, very funny mom."
When I made it to the breakfast table, I couldn't believe my eyes. Ham, eggs, bacon, oatmeal, pancakes, fruit, coffee! The table was packed with food. She really did make enough food to feed a bear.
I saw my mom busying herself around the kitchen. Her old apron was worn at the edges, and I could see where she had patched it up herself with contrasting thread. She ran the water, cleaning up the bowls and utensils she had used already this morning.
It all felt so familiar that it took me a while to realize what was wrong.
"Mom, you're not supposed to be doing that!" I said. I jumped up and tried to take the scrubbing brush away from her.
"I came here to take care of you," I said. "Not so that you can tire yourself fussing over me!"
She put her hands on her hips and looked straight at me.
"I am your mother," she said. "You will let me fuss over you this time. Just this one time. Like when you were little. And we were a family..."
At the end, her voice trailed off. Tears appeared at the edges of her eyes and she tried to wipe them away. I went to her and held her close.
"Okay mom. This once."
Her tears were hot and soaked my pajama top. It felt like something dark and heavy was sitting on my chest. I kissed her forehead.
"Come on mom, " I said. My own voice was quavering now. "Let's eat, okay?"
We sat down, and at first we ate in silence. But it was hard not to feel a bit happier with all this delicious food to eat.
"Mom, this is great!"
I shoved a fork full of eggs into my mouth. She watched me and smiled a bit.
"Yeah?" she asked.
"Come on, you know I would have set the kitchen on fire by now if I tried to make this stuff."
She couldn't help but laugh. It felt good to see her, her body shaking and her eyes crinkling at the corner as she let out her old belly laughs. The commotion shook the table.
After a while, she started to eat. We sat there together, happy just to put the food in our mouths. Mom started with her questions first.
"How were your classes?" She asked.
"Good."
"You're still sure you want to be a nurse? You don't have to just because of me, you know."
"Yes, mom," I said for the millionth time. "I do."
"And you were eating? Making sure you didn't get sick from cold up there? Made some nice friends?"
"Yes, mom!"
I felt bad. I didn't want to be like that, but they were always the same questions no matter when or why we talked. Mom questions. Was it part of the training program, or something?
We kept eating without talking. The only sounds were out forks scraping the plates and the early birds outside chirping in the morning air. I didn't want to bring it up, but there was still a something on my mind.
"So you said that guy last night, he was Asher?"
"Yeah."
"And he's part of a biker gang?"
"Yes, the Dark Riders," she said.
Her voice was tense, and her eyes didn't meet mine.
"What exactly does that mean?"
"Hell, I don't know Lilly! Why don't you go ask them?" she snapped. After a moment, Mom took a breath.
"They take care of us around here."
"Huh?" I asked.
"They make sure there's no trouble."
"Trouble?"
My mom didn't answer.
"What trouble, mom?"
She looked down at her plate and kept shoving crispy strips of bacon into her mouth. By the way she was avoiding my questions, I could tell that there was more to be said. But I wasn't going to get answers here.
When we finished eating, I took the dishes. She was about to stand up and do them, but I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Let me take care of this, mom."
She sat back down and started to hum a song while I turned on the tap. The only sounds were the water rushing in the basin and her high voice starting to sing at the dining room table.
When I was done I opened the medicine cabinet. Years ago it would only have some Tylenol and Benadryl. Now, there were rows and rows of orange plastic bottles with my mother's name on it.
I took them out and started to organize them. These were for the morning. These were for the evening. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…
The colorful little pills looked too much like candy to be what they were really for. Maybe it was better to think about it that way. They were candy. That's it.
I grabbed the pills for that morning and brought them to my mother with a glass of water.
"Thank you," she said. She looked down at the little pile before her. "Like a bunch of jelly beans, huh?"
I took care of a few other things before I got dressed. There were stacks of mail, medical bills, things that she had left uncared for in the house. I threw out an old orchid that must have dried up months ago. I would get a new one later.
Once I was dressed, I headed to the door.
"I'm headed out!" I said. "Be back soon."
The sidewalk outside of my mother's house had gotten worn down since the last time I walked on it. I kicked some rocks out of my path, trying to keep my mind off of everything. It was easier just
to think of my shopping list. Eggs. Whipped cream.
But when a rumbling engine came up behind me, I knew I wasn't going to the supermarket. I turned around, and there he was. Asher. He was alone this time, but he looked like he hadn't slept all night.
Asher grabbed me, pulling me on to the bike behind him.
"Hey!" I yelled. "Let go of me!"
I pounded my fists against his back but he barely seemed to feel a thing. Asher just kept riding, never looking back.
It wasn't until I saw the huge panther looming over us that I realized where he was taking me. Our old school mascot was still there, protecting the sports felid that had gone to seed.
Just a little bit down the street was the new school. It made ours seem even sadder in comparison. The old building seemed strange with the paint peeling off the walls. Graffiti covered the front, simple tags saying that people had been there.
Asher didn't stop until he pulled up to a tree. Our tree. It was still there and had grown taller since the last time I saw it.
He cut the engine and I jumped off the bike. I backed away from him, my eyes always on his, until I was leaning against the rough tree bark. That only made Asher follow me.
Each of his footsteps was slow, as if he was plotting every inch of his movements. I had time to run. I could have. But I didn't.
Asher's body was only inches from mine. He looked down at me, bringing his face close enough that I could feel his breath on my skin. Just a little closer and our lips would touch. We would kiss. We would…
His eyes locked on mine, staring me down. It felt almost like a dare.
"What do you want?" I said. I pushed against Asher, but his body didn't budge.
"Leave."
"What?"
"I want you to leave. Get out of here," Asher said. "We'll take care of your mom, then you can go back to your shiny happy future."
I pushed him again, pressing my whole body against his chest.
"My shiny future?" I screamed. "What the hell is wrong with you? What happened? You were so smart. So sweet."
I took a breath and continued to shout.
"But now you're in a gang? And not only that, but you're vice president? What does that even mean? Why are you with these people?"
"These people?" he said. "These people?"
Asher's jaw clenched and he took both my wrists in his hands. He pressed them against the tree, holding me down.
"These people are my family!" he yelled. "Not everyone can be like you, Lilly. Not everyone can go up north to whatever fancy prep school your parents put you in."
I struggled in his grip. What did he know about what happened to me? What right did he have to say that?
"I was just some kid from the other side of the tracks, remember. The one you left without saying goodbye."
A heavy lump formed in my chest. It felt difficult to breathe. That's when I noticed the tears in his eyes, stubbornly refusing to fall.
"A few years after you left my mom died. I came home one day after school and the kitchen was full of blood.
"The cops looked around for a while and found nothing. They told me 'Sorry kid,' and closed up the case.
"I had no one. No money. Once rent was due, I didn't even have a place to live."
Asher lifted up his shirt with one hand.
"See these scars?"
He pointed at the jagged skin I had seen earlier. Now in the daylight I could see the raised flesh. I wanted to run my fingers over them and make them go away.
"You know what they're from?"
I shook my head.
"Selling drugs. Some days I would meet an addict with a knife. Or maybe someone who thought a young punk was moving into his turf.
"But the Dark Riders took me in. They gave me a place to stay. A job. They treated me like family."
Asher paused and looked straight into my eyes. A tear had started to make its way down his cheek.
"They never disappointed me. Never left me…"
I broke my hand out of his grasp. It was easy because his grip was barely fastened on my wrists. I touched his cheek softly and wiped away the tear.
Asher grabbed my hand, pressing it hard against his face. His stubble scratched my palm. The heat of his skin on mine burned through me. He pressed me back against the tree, and I could feel the rough bark scratch against my back.
At first, he was gentle. Asher's fingers traced over my lips slowly. He moved down my neck, exploring each collar bone and planting soft kisses on my shoulder.
Then Asher's hands went under my shirt. He dragged his fingers over my belly and up, until he reached the fabric of my bra.
I held my breath. Should we be doing this? In public? Behind an old school?
My mind said no, but my heart was racing. It felt like everything in me was hoping that he would keep going. Just a little bit more.
Asher pushed my shirt up so that he could see me, and that's when he stopped being gentle. He pulled my bra cups down. My breasts fell out and the shock of being exposed made my nipples harden.
His mouth consumed me. His hot lips moved from my breast, to my mouth, to my neck. Asher bit me as he went. The dark marks bloomed on my skin.
The heat of my body felt like a fire. I wanted more of him, more of his touch, his taste. I pulled him closer and I could feel his hardness pressing into me.
Asher dragged his hands up my legs and under my skirt. He found the boundary of my panties and tugged at it. With both hands, he started to slide the fabric out of his way.
Then he stopped.
Asher pulled away from me, stepping backwards as if he didn't even understand what had happened. Away from his crushing touch, I was cold.
My breasts were exposed and my skirt was hiked up around my hips. I looked like a girl who had been felt up and tossed away by a biker. Was that what I was?
Asher sat on his bike and looked at me.
"Get out of here," he said. "You don't want to be here, and no one wants you here. So go!"
CHAPTER SIX
"BUT…"
MY VOICE WAS lost under the roar of Asher's engine. He turned and drove away, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake.
I stood there and watched. The dust settled and he turned into nothing more than a fast-moving dot on the horizon. I was alone.
My legs gave out on me. I fell into the dirt and started to sob.
"But I didn't want to leave!" I screamed. My voice echoed behind the old school. "I didn't want to leave you!"
I didn't have a choice. What was I supposed to do? I hadn't even turned 12 yet.
I was going to his house. Even though it was on the other side of town and my mom refused to take me, I buckled on my shoes and made for the door. That's when my dad grabbed me.
He never liked Asher. Felt that he was a bad influence. His nickname for Asher was my "hood rat friend."
My dad locked me in the car, and that was it. No matter how much I screamed, he wouldn't let me out. Even now, I don't understand why.
I cried all the way to the airport. Even the stewardesses wondered what was wrong as I stared out of the plane windows with tears rolling down my red cheeks. My father waved them away. Told them everything was just fine.
"Asher," I whispered.
I knew he wasn't around, but I just wanted to say it.
"I never wanted to leave you."
CHAPTER SEVEN
SHOULD I LEAVE?
ASHER'S words echoed in my mind as I rolled back and forth on my tiny childhood bed. He didn't want me here. I should go.
I rolled in front of a pink teddy bear and picked it up, squeezing the softness against my chest. Would the little girl who owned that teddy bear have imagined this future? I didn't think so.
What did I want for myself back then? I wanted to be a fairy when I grew up. Unfortunately, that's not an occupation.
My mind floated back to just a few days ago. I packed my bags and gave up everything. College. My scholarship.
It made sense at
the time. Even though she didn't ask me to come, I wanted to take care of mom. But did she need me? Was it better for me to leave her with them?
I hated the thought. It seemed selfish, like I just wanted to run away.
This wasn't my plan anyway. I was supposed to get married to a guy I met in junior year. I would get a job and build a career for a while. Then we would have kids and I would be a stay-at-home mom. I would go to play dates and mommy and me functions. And then…
I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling. Was that really what I wanted?
The light turned on in the hallway and my bedroom door creaked open. After all these years, she still couldn't manage to spray a can of WD-40 on the hinges.
"You okay in there, baby?"
My mom peeked her head in. She didn't wait for me to respond. As soon as she saw me there on the bed, covered in my old stuffed animals, she rushed over and held me. My face rested in her lap.
"What's wrong?" she said.
She stroked my cheek gently. Already I felt my face growing hot and my vision blurring. I took a deep breath and held it back.
"Should I be here, mom?"
"What you mean, baby?"
"I mean should I be here? Do you want me here? Because Asher said…"
As soon as I said his name, the tears started. I sobbed into my mother's night gown, blubbering so much that it must have been impossible to understand me. I felt like I was five again, crying about scratching my knee.
"Asher said that he doesn't want me here, and that I shouldn't be here. No one wants me here.
"Maybe it's a good idea. I should leave.
"They said they'd take care of you. They can protect you, keep you safe. What can I do?
"I'll go back to school, right? I'll go back to school and make lots of money and then I'll come back. And then…"
My voice trailed off. My mom hadn't interrupted my rambling. She just patted my head and nodded. She waited until I calmed down to talk.
"You know, when your dad left, I couldn't accept it. Despite how bad everything was, I didn't want him to leave. I wanted everything to stay the way it was. The way I had planned.
"I thought I was losing everything. My prefect house up north. My perfect family. Everything.
Ultimate Alphas: Bad Boys and Good Lovers (The Naughty List Romance Bundles) Page 38