by Sidney Wood
“That’s nice.” The matronly old educator seemed to have something on her mind, yet hesitated.
“Did I forget to do something?” Ulie asked. She gave the principle her full attention, curious to know the true reason for her visit.
Still smiling, Ms. Faller’s forehead wrinkled as she said, “Ulie, I’m afraid today is going to be your last day.” The smile faded and she waited for Ulie’s reply.
“Oh, well that is unexpected,” Ulie said, blinking. “May I ask why?” She wracked her brain trying to recall any sign of being on notice or in trouble. She couldn’t think of anything. No one had criticized her openly, and the teachers and parents gave her great feedback. The kids loved her too.
Ms. Faller cleared her throat. “We, um, received a phone call from a concerned parent who said you are… in distress. In your personal life, I mean. It would be different if you were a full-time employee, but as a temp, there are no job protections. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but it is my job to keep turmoil, as much as possible, out of this school.”
“A concerned parent? I don’t know what you heard, but I’m fine.” She tried to keep a calm, pleasant look on her face, but she could feel it cracking. “Who would say something like that? Who knows my personal life, and how is it any of their business?”
Appearing embarrassed, Ms. Faller looked over her shoulder to make sure no one could eves drop on their conversation. “Ulie, I’m…so sorry. Mr. Hanson, your husband, made the complaint.”
Ulie’s face scrunched and she turned away to hide fresh tears. “Thank you, Ms. Faller. I understand,” she managed to say, wiping the tears on her sleeve.
A moment later she heard footsteps retreating to the door and she turned around to find herself alone. Straightening up and sniffing, Ulie continued pouring red paint into the cups.
That evening, Ulie stopped at the hotel office to check her mail. To her surprise, she found a certified letter mixed in with the junk mail forwarded from home. When she read the return address her heart sunk. It came from Chuck, which meant it had to be court paperwork. Filing for divorce had been at the top of her priority list when she considered leaving, but since Chuck kicked her out, she hadn’t had the heart to follow through. She worried about Miranda and dissolving the only family she had ever known.
In her room, Ulie set all the mail down except for the letter from Chuck. She stared at the envelope, afraid to open it. She finally tossed it on the pile and retreated into the bathroom. Running a hot shower, Ulie let the steam and hot water wash away her worry. Water did amazing things. It relaxed her muscles and soothed her insides, freeing her body of pent up emotions.
As she regained her composure, Ulie realized she had to read the letter. It was foolish to make plans without knowing Chuck’s. Stepping out of the shower, wrapped in a soft cotton towel, Ulie snatched the letter and opened it.
The documents were dull and full of legalese, but basically, Chuck had filed for divorce and wanted full custody.
Ulie scanned the packet, noting that she had to send a response. Chuck’s accusations were ridiculous, slinging mud at her for things that never happened. He made her out to be a slut who used every opportunity to step out on him, and always put her own wants above his and Miranda’s. It hurt like hell.
“I need a lawyer,” Ulie said.
Flipping her laptop open, Ulie searched for the law firm she planned on calling weeks ago. She found it easily and jotted down the number. The darkness outside her window reminded Ulie of the late hour, and she set a reminder to call them at 9am sharp.
“I may as well search for jobs while I’m at it,” she said. She flagged the interesting ones and saved them as favorites.
By the time she finished, exhaustion had set in. She longed to hear Noah’s voice, but didn’t trust herself to stick to her plan once his honey sweet voice dripped in her ear. She’d tell him all her worries and woes, and he’d try to save her. She feared she might let him.
Anyone else would recoil, pack up, and leave her stranded like a crazy woman; not Noah. Ulie couldn’t take advantage of his kindness. These were her troubles. If she and Noah were meant to be together, it would be after she got back on her feet, not before.
Resisting the urge to call her lover for comfort, Ulie did the next best thing. She called her mom.
She answered on the second ring.
“Hi, Mom,” Ulie said.
“Hello, Sweetheart. How are you doing?”
Ulie shrugged, glad her mom couldn’t see the sorrow on her face. “Not great.” She spoke in a small voice, trying to hold back the tears welling in her eyes.
“Is that son-of-a-bitch being an ass again? I’ll come down there and tan his hide!” Her voice shook with anger.
“He’s trying to get full custody of Miranda, and he made it sound like I’m this horrible person. What if they believe him?”
Her mom spent the better part of an hour lifting her up and comforting her. While telling Ulie everything would be okay, she also cussed Chuck like a sailor. That did even more to lift Ulie’s spirits. By the time their call ended, the worst had passed.
Saving the best call for just before bedtime, Ulie snuggled under the covers and dialed. Miranda’s smiling face appeared on her screen.
“Mom!”
“Hi sweetie,” Ulie said. “I miss you like crazy.”
They talked for about thirty minutes before Chuck turned off Miranda’s light and told her to wrap it up. Ulie went to bed feeling better than she thought possible after such a lousy day, and her mood carried into the next morning.
Ulie showered and dressed for the day, opening curtains to let rays of golden sunshine warm the tiny room. The light warmed Ulie as well.
“Yum,” She murmured, sipping from a fresh cup of coffee. “It’s going to be a good day.”
Picking up her phone, Ulie dialed the attorney’s number.
The call lasted forty-five-minutes, more than enough time. The lawyer demonstrated a level of efficiency Ulie hadn’t encountered before. The woman knew exactly what to say and what questions to ask to get the information she needed. She perceived what Ulie wanted, even when Ulie couldn’t be sure.
“Whew,” Ulie said, after the call. Seventy-five hundred dollars seemed steep for a retainer, but if her attorney could do what she promised, it would be worth it. She couldn’t afford it alone, but with the help her mom promised, Ulie had agreed to go in and sign papers.
The first part of her plan kicked off to a fantastic start.
Ulie spent the next hour at the FEDEX store making copies of her resume and cover letter. By late afternoon, Ulie had emailed, hand delivered, or snail mailed five job applications and resumes.
She even spoke to her boss about expanding to a full-time architect position, but he balked.
“Even if a position opens, which isn’t likely, you need to apply and compete like everyone else,” he said.
Apparently, her work on energy efficient homes didn’t make her indispensable after all. Times were changing and he said they were moving in a different direction; strip malls and shopping centers, to be precise.
When she finally closed the door to her hotel room, the sense of accomplishment Ulie had been striving for all day evaded her. Discouraged, she dropped her keys on the nightstand and collapsed on the couch. It was too firm, and she slumped sideways.
None of the new jobs she applied for were likely to lead to a career. None of them paid enough to allow her to keep her car, her phone, or to get her into an actual apartment. As an architect, she could be making a lot more money, but jobs were scarce, especially for someone without an impressive resume to leverage.
If she could take Miranda with her, she’d move back home to her mom’s house. Unfortunately, she had already paid tuition for her first semester of college, so moving didn’t make sense. “Ugh,” she groaned. “There has to be a way to do this.”
Trying to find the silver lining was harder than ever.
Ulie pulled out her phone and stared at the received calls list. She had one call from a number in Alaska the other night that lasted several minutes. She smiled, recalling that wild night of impromptu adult fun. Maybe they should try that again.
“Hey handsome…are you awake?” Send.
Ulie waited late into the night for Noah to respond, but he didn’t answer. The bubbles that danced each time he worked on a reply never materialized. She finally dozed off with her phone cradled next to her under the covers.
Chapter Seventeen (Mid-December)
Ulie struggled during the first semester. Graduate level courses were as demanding as she had feared. If her only obligation had been school, she’d still be stressed, but working two jobs on top of that? She could barely keep her head above water.
Her time was in short supply no matter how well she planned, or how fast she walked or ran to class and work. She found a waitressing job at a trendy restaurant near campus, but the fast pace and the hours were killing her. She remained in a constant state of disheveled grace; messy buns and little-to-no make-up. She couldn’t manage anything more. No one seemed to notice or care, so maybe she didn’t look as bad as she thought.
The engineering firm allowed her to work from home more often, which saved her from burning out completely. Ulie could cram her drafting work into the tiny spaces between classes, waitressing, and visiting Miranda. She could almost keep up…almost.
A week before Christmas Break, she desperately searched for more corners to cut, but didn’t find any. Sooner or later she had to let something go; school or hours at work. It would have been an easy choice, if not for the necessity of money.
“I can do this,” she said. “I just have to make it through the first semester. After that I’ll adjust my class load and make life easier.”
Ulie had plans to move into a single bedroom apartment near campus and establish more permanence to her living arrangements. She needed that stability for Miranda. Despite her difficulties, Ulie beamed every time they spent time together. Sometimes Miranda cried as they parted, but Ulie understood; sometimes she cried too. Ulie longed for the day when she had her own house and hoped Miranda would consider it home as well.
Thanks to Ulie’s attorney, Chuck finally let Miranda stay with her for a few days. It looked as if they might come to an amicable settlement after all. Ulie just had to be careful not to piss Chuck off before the next hearing; a simple goal, but like a box of aged explosives, Chuck acted unpredictable. Ulie walked on eggshells around him. She let Chuck believe he had the upper hand, which in most aspects was the truth anyway. Sometimes she wished she had left sooner, maybe even reported him the night he... Ulie couldn’t finish the thought.
She hadn’t fully disclosed that night to anyone, even Amy. She started to tell her about it once, but the wounds were still too fresh. She panicked. Instead of confiding in her best friend and telling her everything that happened, she glossed over the details, describing it as unpleasant and unloving sex. Even though she left out the worst parts, Amy picked up on Ulie’s pain. She cussed Chuck’s name and cried with Ulie.
Ulie tried not to think about it; she was running out of steam. As hard as she tried, she simply couldn’t keep juggling school, part time architecture work, and waitressing. One of them had to suffer. Prioritizing school and the job most important to her future, Ulie dropped shifts to catch up on sleep and to study. It wasn’t long before she reaped the consequences, and the restaurant cut her hours; a lot.
On a Friday afternoon, Ulie stood at the kitchen counter in her new apartment sorting the mail. An envelope from the engineering firm caught her eye. With cautious optimism, she opened it.
“Is it a bonus check, or a notice of a permanent opening?”
Ulie unfolded the one-page letter, and read, “Ms. Hanson, it is with deep regret that we write to inform you that your position has been identified as not essential to the continued operation of this company. We appreciate your many years of service and wish you the best in future endeavors. Due to your part-time status, we’re waiving the standard two-week notice period. Your termination is effective immediately.”
The signature block read, “The Management Team” without any signatures or names.
In shock, Ulie sat down and re-read the cold, concise paragraph. She scoffed. “You bastards!”
She tore the paper half, crumpled the pieces, and tossed them in the trash. She couldn’t even cry. Just when she thought her life was finally coming together, another piece crumbled. In stunned silence, she stared at the blank walls of her tiny apartment. Not long ago, she had a house, a stable income, and a dedicated, although dysfunctional, family unit. Closing her eyes, Ulie clenched her fists. “What have I done?” Tears seeped through her tightly closed eyelids, streaming down her face in hot rivulets.
Her phone buzzed, drawing her attention. Ulie glanced at the lock screen. She had a message from Noah. It still seemed strange to have his name entered in her phone and receive notifications without worrying who might see. Wiping her eyes with her sleeve, Ulie opened the message.
“Good afternoon, gorgeous. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you.”
Ulie teared up again. His message came at the perfect time. She needed to hear that. She needed to hear his voice.
“Can you talk?” Send.
Message bubbles bounced at the bottom of the screen. She wished he’d call instead, but maybe something came up. He might be at work or with Luke.
“I’d love to. Call you in five? I’m at my parent’s house. I need to step outside.”
Ulie sighed with relief. “Yes, please…thank you.” Send.
While she waited for Noah, Ulie finished her Friday afternoon routine of sorting mail and taking out the trash. Still waiting, she began thinking about dinner. Ulie poured a jar of pasta sauce and a cup of water into her only skillet. Cranking the burner to high, she set a half empty box of spaghetti noodles on the counter next to the range. She’d add those as soon as the sauce began to boil. Ulie’s mom didn’t teach her to cook spaghetti this way. She found the simplified recipe on the side of a can, but she never had the nerve to cook it for Chuck.
“I suppose that’s one benefit to living alone,” she said. “There’s no one to impress.”
The water had just stared to boil when her phone rang.
“Hello?” she asked. Cradling the phone on her shoulder, she broke a thumb-wide bundle of spaghetti noodles in half and dumped them in the pan.
“Hey gorgeous,” Noah said. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
“You have no idea,” Ulie sighed. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“I’m here, Ulie. You can tell me anything.”
Noah’s words were a salve to Ulie’s injured soul. She wanted him in her life permanently, to have his comfort and kindness every day, not just on the worst days or when they were feeling playful. She took a deep breath, trying to make the words come out. She wanted to tell him she needed him now, more than ever, but couldn’t release the cord binding her mouth. Something inside urged her to consider his feelings first; to acknowledge that he had his own life, with its own complications and worries. At last, she spoke, slowly and carefully. “I know you have a lot going on. You’ve told me as much, although you never fully explained. I want to know, but I appreciate you trying to protect me in that way. As for me…things are hard right now, Noah, and I need you. I don’t just mean talking either.”
Ulie paused.
“I left him. I left my husband and I need you in my life. Is that something that can happen?” Feeling as if she made a mistake and put too much pressure on him, she hurriedly added, “If you tell me now isn’t a good time, I’ll understand, I promise.”
She lied. Ulie knew he wouldn’t turn her away. He couldn’t. They were connected too deeply for that to happen. The words were a softening touch, nothing more. Ulie desperately needed Noah. She couldn’t bear it if he left her alone.
She waited.
Noah held his silence for a long time.
She could hear him pacing, almost speaking and then pacing again. Sinking, Ulie wanted to fold into herself and disappear. “He’s going to say no! How could I have been so foolish?” Even as she had that thought, she hoped he’d come through for her as he always had. She prayed he wouldn’t say the words she feared were coming.
“Ulie, I…,” he began. “I love you. I do. But now is the worst possible time, and I know I’m saying this at the worst possible time for you, but I’m stuck! I could lose my job, I’m losing my son, and I just found out I have a kid I never knew about. My family needs me. I don’t know what to say…I need to focus on the hurricane that hit me before I can be there for you. I’m so sorry.”
Ulie closed her eyes and wept silently as he spoke her worst fear into existence. Each syllable dug deeper, mercilessly ripping the heart from her chest. She couldn’t fathom what had just happened. The man she loved, the only person in the world who could hurt her so deeply and the one she utterly trusted not to, had abandoned her.
Gutted, Ulie ended the call, slid to the floor, and cried.
As she lay on the floor, she mewled with hoarse sobs of heartbreak. She had never been so alone and so hurt. Noah couldn’t have crushed her more effectively if he had run her over with a truck. She wished he had. She wished the pain would stop, wanted it to end now and quickly. Ulie stopped breathing, her mind contemplating something so taboo she had never entertained it before.
One brief thought of Miranda halted Ulie’s dangerous line of thinking. She could never do that to Miranda, not intentionally. Her blood ran cold as she realized that might not be true. What if she had a handful of pills ready when those thoughts overtook her? Would she have the presence of mind to stop herself? She couldn’t be certain, and that answer scared her. Curling into a tight ball, Ulie clenched her eyes and cried harder.
Ulie floated through the weekend on a river of tears through a fog of sleep and depression. When Monday finally knocked on her door, Ulie did what eight years of being a wife and mom conditioned her to do. She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and faked her way forward.