by Em Petrova
Hell no.
Without the rosy filter she’d forced over her brain, she saw Cav for what he was—a man disciplined by rules and hard work and by the drive to protect their country.
What was he? Marines, Army? There wasn’t a base within miles.
She shook her head to herself and set aside her phone.
She had papers to grade, a huge stack, in fact. That would keep her busy, but did she really want to sit here in the house, dwelling on the excitement of finding Cav again and then the disappointment of letting him go before much of anything happened?
At least she couldn’t call it heartbreak. Thank God things hadn’t gone that far.
She could use some exercise. A walk in the park sounded perfect right now. Or maybe a jog.
She also wished she had a dog to give her mind something else to focus on. A dog would keep her even busier. She made a mental note to visit the animal adoption center this weekend.
While she changed out of her clothes and into spandex pants and a T-shirt she knotted at her waist, she couldn’t help but acknowledge the weight of sadness bearing down on her shoulders.
Because for the first time in forever, she’d gotten out of her own head and actually wanted to pull someone into her world. How depressing was it that she’d made a mistake? And going back to a world that didn’t have Cav in it, even though she’d only had him in her life for a couple days, seemed bleak and cold.
She grabbed her keys and left the house. Usually, she’d pause on her porch, painted white and with pots of cheery yellow mums, and look out over her quiet neighborhood and give thanks to be in Rose. Now, she just hurried down the steps and to her car, eager to make an escape.
Minutes later, she arrived at the park and took off walking quickly down a freshly-cleared path. She was proud that there were no soda cans or snack wrappers strewn around anymore, and she and Sarah had organized a group of teens who would come every two weeks and clean up to keep the park neat. In exchange, they got bonus points to be used for the class of their choice.
She tried to keep her mind centered on the park, her job, her life. But it was impossible, with memories of Cav popping up.
Damn the man. He should have been straight with her about his career from the start. But that was silly. What was he to do? Walk up and say, “Hi, I’m military, so steer clear of me.”?
He had no way of knowing she had no desire to visit that time of her life ever again. Loving a man who could be killed in action was the hardest thing she’d ever done. And dammit, now Cav had stirred the pot, and tears were leaking from the corners of her eyes.
She dashed them away and walked faster. Pretty soon, she had speed-walked through the whole park and started back at the beginning.
Unfortunately, that route took her around by the street, and a glance at her car had her stumbling to a halt.
Her throat worked as she gulped at the sight of the big man leaning against her car, his truck parked behind.
He’d come to find her.
A thrill of excitement quickly rose, then plummeted to the soles of her sneakers.
If only she could go back in time and put a stop to the attraction that sparked from the start. Cav had only been back in her life a few days, but it was still going to leave a sharp pang of loss when she told him they couldn’t continue.
For my sanity and my heart, I can’t continue.
Best to get this over with.
Drawing a deep breath, she walked toward him. God, did he have to look so sinfully yummy? Not only big and muscled but his rugged features were placed on his face with so much perfection. He could be a pencil-necked wimp and women would still gawp at him.
As he saw her moving toward him, a smile crossed his face, and damn… it splintered her heart.
Panic nearly made her turn around and run back into the park to hide, but she’d faced more painful moments in her life, and this couldn’t be that difficult.
Maybe he’d take it in stride—wasn’t as deep into her as she was him. That would make things a whole lot easier. Hard to swallow, sure, but she’d take it.
He pushed off the car and strolled over to meet her, long legs eating up the distance between them. Her heart lifted and dropped hard.
“Damn,” he drawled in that country boy way that melted her the day before. He gave her a very slow, very thorough once-over that left her breathless and a little damp all over. “You look fine in those pants.”
Oh God. The look in his eyes wasn’t showing her what she needed. His sparked with interest and happiness at seeing her.
It wasn’t really dumping, was it, if they’d only seen each other twice before?
How stupid she’d been to allow him to touch her. Stupid and needy, and dare she say desperate to feel alive again in that way? Her loss of judgment was only going to make things worse.
She bit down on her lip as he stopped in front of her. The expression she wore placed a crinkle between his brows.
“Everything all right?” he asked. Then he suddenly looked over her head, gaze scouring the park, the field, the trees for some danger. “There’s not somebody giving you trouble, is there?”
Dammit, she’d hoped not to be right, but only a man who protected for a living would think that first.
She shook her head and folded her arms as a barricade over her chest. “No one’s bugging me. Listen, Cav, we have to talk.”
For a moment, he didn’t move or even blink. His attention was so centered on her that she suddenly had a sensation of being… well, important to him.
This was gonna hurt.
Just rip it off fast like a Band-Aid.
“Cav, I think I’ve given the wrong impression. I’m not interested in dating you.”
He still didn’t blink. So many seconds ticked by that she was beginning to wonder if he was more machine than man.
Heart tripping faster, she said, “I know you’re military.”
His chest expanded till she thought her ribs may burst. When he slowly exhaled, she dropped her gaze to his chest, unable to look him in the eye.
“How do you know I’m military? Did somebody tell you?”
The strange tone of his words brought her gaze back to his. She shook her head, and he visibly relaxed.
“Then you guessed,” he said. “It was the clothes I showed up in yesterday, wasn’t it? I didn’t have time to change.”
“That was part of it. But I know… because I was married to an Army man. And he died in Iraq two years ago.” Her throat clogged off, not with more tears to shed for Darren, but for cutting off whatever connection she’d felt to Cav.
“You didn’t tell me,” he grated out.
“It isn’t something I tell everyone. But I’m telling you, because you deserve to know why I can’t see you anymore. I didn’t want to see the signs at first, but they’re all there.”
“What signs?” For the first time, she saw how agitated he was—he’d been containing it the entire time. But he flicked a hand out in a way that revealed he was not going to be okay with what she had to say.
“The muscles, the haircut.” She waved at his appearance. “How regimented and disciplined you seem to be. Then yesterday, when you got that call… Well, I’ve seen another man get calls like that.”
Cav stared at her. She would not fall apart, she told herself. But she was starting to shake inside, probably too emotionally high-strung when it came to stuff like this, because of what she’d suffered before. She was determined to find enough grit deep inside herself to hold herself together, though.
“Arielle… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but this isn’t something I can discuss openly. But for you, I will. Just… will you get in my truck with me? Take a ride?”
Absolutely not. Being alone with him in the cab of a truck on back country roads would end in disaster—to her heart.
She shook her head.
“Okay, I understand. So it’ll be here then.” He pitched his voice low. “I’m not in the Army like
your husband was.”
She winced.
He stepped closer, but she backed up to stay out of reach. If he pulled her into his arms, her resistance would end. She’d give in to his touch, his kisses, the look in his eyes.
“I’m part of a special forces unit that’s a division of Homeland Security. OFFSUS. I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s a big part of my life. It is my life, and that means walking away from a gorgeous woman before I can take her to bed and do it right. It means breaking dates and—”
“I know what it means,” she broke over him. “I lived this all before, Cav, and I can’t do it again. I never want to be the wife of a military man, sitting at home waiting for a call to see if you’re alive or not. If you made it out, or when I’m going to have to make plans for a funeral.” Her voice cracked. “I can’t live that way anymore.”
He caught her hands, trapping them in his big, rough ones. She tried to draw away, but he clung tighter.
“Look at me. Arielle, look at me.”
She raised her gaze to his.
“You can’t forget the heat of our kisses or how you fit when you hugged me. That was real.”
Oh God, this was toeing the line of torture. One step back and she’d be safe. One forward and she’d tip into the scorching fires of more hell.
She pulled free and stepped away. Then took another sidestep around him. She needed to get in her car and drive away fast before he sucked her in with more tempting words. As it was, they were already echoing in her mind, and it would be a long time before she stopped hearing them.
“Arielle.” The deep fissure in his voice almost made her look back. But she didn’t.
“I’m sorry, Cav.” She jumped into her car and started it, quickly driving away from the park. The tree-lined street blurred by the tears in her vision.
Before she rounded the corner for home, she glanced in her rearview mirror to see him standing in the middle of the street, hand raised to his face.
Chapter Four
“Cav, what are you doing here? Everything okay?” Jess stood in the door of his home, looking as shocked to see him as Cav felt to be here.
He pushed by him and walked straight to the living room, where he collapsed in the center of the sofa.
“Jess, who’s at the—” Jess’s girlfriend Avery stopped in her tracks, midsentence to stare at Cav.
He knew he must look like hell. “Hi, Avery. Mind if I talk to Jess a while?”
“Not at all. Can I get you a beer?” She was still in full police uniform—she must have just gotten home from her shift.
“Nah, I got my own.” He withdrew a silver flask from his pocket and started to uncap it. He’d started the party an hour before. Maybe it was two? His mind was already getting foggy, just like he wanted it.
“Whoa, what’s going on, Cav? You didn’t drive here, did you?” Jess moved forward and took a seat in a chair that was stupidly small for the guy.
Cav might have chuckled at the changes Jess had recently made to his home for Avery’s sake, but here he sat practically devastated by a woman himself.
Dammit.
He tipped the whiskey into his mouth and swallowed the burning liquid. The alcohol blazed a path to his gut, and with luck, would kill off all the brain cells that remembered having Arielle in his arms.
He slanted a look at Jess. “No, I took an Uber. As for what’s going on… I mean… It’s dumb, right? I hadn’t seen the woman since we were fourteen. And she’s been in my life less than a few days. Why am I letting it bug me?”
Jess propped his elbows on his knees and leaned forward to eye Cav as he took another sip of whiskey. “The woman you went back for seconds with.”
He grunted. “I just let you guys think I slept with her. I didn’t.”
“Wait—what? You didn’t sleep with a woman you wanted?”
Cav looked at his friend over the flask. “I know. It’s fucking wrong. It’s like I’m broken or somethin’.”
“So what happened with her?”
Cav waved a hand in the air, but he wasn’t seeing Jess’s living room. What he saw was the park and the special—and then horrible—moments he and Arielle had shared there.
“I blame everything on the fucking shrink.” The alcohol was starting to take the edge off, and deep down, he knew there was no amount of rye that would numb his brain from what happened with Arielle, but he was going to give it the old fighting try.
“How much of that have you drank, man?” Jess asked.
“Not near enough.” He raised the bottle to his lips again.
“Cav, I’ll do anything for you. I’ll even let your drunk ass sleep on my couch. But start with telling me what happened.”
He sighed and dropped his head against the back of the sofa.
“Start with her name.”
“Arielle. We were at Rose Middle School together. Then she moved away and I did too. I haven’t really thought of her much since. But the shrink sent me to Rose Park to help with a cleanup project, and I saw Arielle there again. She moved back into the area.”
He got lost in those moments, wondering what it was about her that had wiggled into his heart and mind so she was pretty much all he could think about for days.
“Go on,” Jess prompted.
Cav took a long swig and winced at the fresh burn in his gullet. “This is shitty whiskey. You got anything better?”
“Yeah. I’ll get some in a minute. Finish the story.” His buddy was still leaning forward, eager to hear.
“I took her out to dinner that night. Then we made plans for drinks but I couldn’t wait that long and asked her for coffee Sunday morning.”
Jess nodded. “You seemed distracted when you got to the base. What happened that morning?”
“Coffee turned into… the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever done.”
“Which was?”
“Made out in her car at the park. She was so goddamn responsive to me, like she hadn’t ever been touched before and was coming alive. But it was more than that. She looked at me like… Well, you wouldn’t understand.”
A wry smile quirked the corner of Jess’s mouth. “I bet I would.” He threw a look toward the place Avery had disappeared a bit ago.
“Yeah, I guess you might. Fucking women. They grab you by the balls and lead you around then stomp on them.”
“Damn… What did she do, man?” Jess asked.
Cav tried to empty the last of the whiskey into his mouth but found the flask empty. He lowered it, slumping. “She was married.”
“Holy shit, married?” Jess’s eyes bugged out.
“No, not now. Before. Her husband died. She told me yesterday that he died fighting in Iraq and she couldn’t be with another military man, that she didn’t want that kind of life.”
“Shit.” Jess’s mutter made Cav nod.
He heaved himself to his feet to go in search of more whiskey himself. Jess waved him back down.
“I’ll get it. When was the last time you ate something?”
“Who the fuck knows? Or cares?”
Jess got up and nodded. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere, Cav.”
He closed his eyes and let the alcohol work its way through his bloodstream dull his senses and with it the knife-edge of pain.
He’d never felt pain like this, not in all the years of dating, fucking and leaving women behind.
Jess returned with a bottle of whiskey that was just as cheap and shitty but would have to do, along with some bags of snacks. “This is all I got. Avery’s changing clothes right now, and then I’ll see if she wants to order a pizza or something.”
“This is all I need.” He plucked the bottle from his hand, removed the cap and brought it straight to his lips. After a long pull, he lowered the alcohol and looked to Jess. “You know, this is the only way I know she means something more to me. Or could have, if she hadn’t shoved me away.”
“What do you mean?” Jess took his seat again and broke open a
bag of chips.
“This.” He placed a fist over his heart. “I’ve never felt anything like it before.”
“Fuck… that sucks. You think she was the one?”
Cav eyed him. “I fucking know it. And now she’s gone.”
Jess extended a hand, and Cav passed him the bottle. After his friend swigged, they looked at each other. “I’ll keep ya company through it, Cav.”
Avery appeared, taking in the scene in her living room. “At least let me make you some sandwiches. Bread will soak up the alcohol better than chips.”
Cav snorted. He didn’t want the whiskey soaked up—he wanted it to block Arielle from his mind. Fat chance of that.
A few minutes later, after passing the bottle back and forth, Avery returned with a plate stacked with deli meat sandwiches. She sank to the sofa next to Cav and stared at Jess. “What happened?” she asked.
“He’s got a broken heart.”
Her eyes flew wider. “From who?”
“Chick from his childhood got him all attached and riled up. He didn’t even sleep with her, can you believe it, Ave?” Jess took a huge bite of a sandwich.
“No, I can’t,” she said faintly.
Cav let out a bark of laughter. “She says she can’t be with a man who does what I do for a living.”
“Well, who ever wants that? We women aren’t stupid. Who wants their man to leave the house and never return? Fact is, that could happen to anyone—a used car salesman could die when some idiot runs a red light. Life is full of risks.”
Cav sat up straighter. “Yeah. You’re right.”
“Is there any way to persuade her to give you a chance?” Avery reached for her own sandwich and took a bite. “I need something more substantial than this. Takeout, guys?”
Jess and Cav nodded.
“Delivery,” she said, reaching for the bottle. She had a swig. “None of us should be driving. But back to this woman… What can you say to win her over?”
Shaking his head, he searched his blank mind. “Nothing. There’s nothing I can—” He broke off then stumbled through the next words. “There’s nothing I can say, but there’s something I can do.”