Being a military spouse, you sacrifice so much, from sleep, sometimes purpose, and even career paths. It’s easy to feel like you lose a little bit of your own identity as you take on this other identity to follow your husband around for his career, instead of your own.
With each new accomplishment Harold achieved (graduating from West Point, starting USX, and preparing to climb Everest), I started to feel lesser, like I wasn’t measuring up in the world’s eyes and maybe even my own. Somehow, I was becoming just a wife.
I’ve always believed in making the most out of every situation and finding the good in it. There’s always a positive way to see things, but it must be a choice. You can easily miss out on the good life has to offer if you’re always focusing on the bad: the what-ifs, the how comes, or the why me’s. Focusing on the difficult things only magnifies the negativity in your life. I find that when you look at your situation with a mind-set of gratitude, your perspective will change.
I was painfully aware of what staying at home might do to me, and I didn’t want that. I wanted more for myself. I wanted my own story and my own adventure. I needed a change of pace if I was going to keep my sanity. It’s one thing to miss your person and look forward to when you’ll be together again, but it’s something else to stop living a full life in the meantime. Plus, making the most of the time apart makes the days go by much faster!
I began to think of how I could fill up my calendar. One of the other Army wives who had lived in our neighborhood had just moved out West and said I could visit whenever I wanted. We hadn’t been friends long, but I pushed myself outside my comfort zone and texted her to see if her offer still stood. She didn’t hesitate and told me to come for a visit!
That’s the awesome thing about the military community: everyone understands the ups and downs and the sacrifices required to live this kind of life. We’re all eager to support one another, knowing we can’t get through it alone.
I wrote “Colorado” across several of the empty calendar boxes. It was a good start, but I still had plenty of days to fill. I knew I wanted to leave the country, so I started googling flights to literally anywhere. I was mostly concerned about the price. It had to be cheap.
Ireland and Iceland were two places I had always wanted to visit. It was a dream of mine to see the northern lights, but I realized I would be pretty bummed if I saw them without Harold. So I decided to save Iceland for another time. I ended up finding a cheap ticket to Ireland.
Harold and I had traveled to nineteen countries together, and I had been to three others with friends and family. I had never set off on my own. I had always been a very independent person, but once I met Harold, I naturally became less independent because it was more fun to do everything with him. Now I was excited for the opportunity to travel on my own. It would stretch me as an independent woman, just like I knew Everest would encourage growth in Harold.
After adding “Ireland” in green ink, my calendar was starting to fill, but I didn’t like the few empty squares left, so I texted my three best friends.
Who’s down for a girls’ trip? I miss you guys!
Everyone was in. We decided on meeting in Nashville, Tennessee, since that was the coolest town of the four places we lived. This also meant we had a free place to stay.
My last stop would be Guatemala. I had gone to Guatemala on my first mission trip five years earlier. What I found there was undeniable joy that shined through the language barrier as the children laughed and played together. I witnessed family after family support and care for one another on a level I had never seen before. Older siblings took care of younger siblings. I saw a girl actually carrying one sibling on her back while holding another’s hand as they walked home. I aspired to have a family of my own one day who loved and supported one another to the same degree. Morgan asked me to join her, and I was over the moon excited to go back and visit the people who had changed my life years ago.
After much coordinating, I looked at my calendar and felt proud. Not only did I have a lot of distractions to keep me busy, but they all offered new experiences. My own adventures lay ahead. I no longer felt like I was missing out. This was my time to thrive. While my YouTube channel hadn’t exactly taken off just yet, I was excited to vlog my entire journey so that when Harold came home, I could show him what I’d been up to.
May 14, 2016
The day approaches for the beginning of our summit push. We’ve been on Everest for nearly three weeks now, and I’m trying not to get too caught up in the preclimb jitters. Sleep will be more difficult if I think about the summit. I need to block it out of my mind, focusing on one step at a time.
I’m able to get ahold of Rachel.
“We’re trying to summit either May 22 or 23,” I tell her. “It all depends on the weather.” Since the weather is really unpredictable, I can’t give her an exact date.
“Have you read any of the ‘Open when’ letters I sent?” she asks.
I smile. “I’ve already read all of them. Except for the summit letter. I couldn’t help it. I read one and started missing you, so I just kept reading them. I loved all the funny memories.” They’d provided an escape, transporting me for just a moment back into her company.
One of her letters talked about one of the many times we locked our keys in our 2005 gold Toyota Corolla. We were stranded outside, waiting for the locksmith to come. Rachel, being the cute weirdo she is, picked up a stick and pine cone, and we started playing baseball. We giggled and flirted as she hit the pine cone and ran to all the surrounding pine trees that served as bases. I chased her and picked her up from behind as she giggled and screamed.
Little moments like these are some of our favorite memories. Even when life is hard, we always find a way to make it memorable and fun.
This brief memory is a nice diversion for the moment. I can’t help thinking about the close call with Dave getting sick and how so much of this climb is out of my hands. I realize more and more that I need God because I am facing a giant I can’t handle on my own.
While standing on the side of Everest, I want to ensure I have God by my side. But am I doing the very thing my old baseball coach used to warn our team about when he said, “Never reach out to someone just when you need something from them”?
Is this how I’ve been living my daily life with God?
I realize it’s unfortunately true, but I pray God hears me anyway.
15
Beautiful Things Along the Way
RACHEL
When I boarded the plane, feeling eager for my solo trip to Ireland, an entire month had passed and Harold’s expedition was now halfway through. I’d already experienced a wide range of emotions, but the night Harold called and told me about the snowstorm was the moment when reality truly hit me, when I realized my husband might die.
Harold had told me he was climbing down the mountain to wait out the storm. I noticed he sounded tired, yet he assured me he would be fine. Shortly after this, I received an email from Tommy alerting me to potential dangers. I hadn’t been scared until reading that note and learning that Tommy assumed Harold and his team were currently snowed in at Advanced Base Camp. Thankfully, I eventually heard that everything was fine, but the fear had paralyzed me momentarily.
My solo trip to Ireland was my opportunity to see what I was capable of without Harold. I met up with my friend Kate in Belfast. After exploring Northern Ireland and Giant’s Causeway, we decided to book a last-minute flight to Scotland, making a one-day trip the very next day. In Scotland, we went for a hike around Arthur’s Seat near Edinburgh. Hiking made me feel closer to Harold. We just happened to be taking in two completely different views! That night I pulled out my journal and read what I had written a couple of days before leaving on this trip.
Hi, God.
I’m struggling and have a thousand thoughts running through my h
ead. I really wish You and I could chat. I miss Harold. To be honest, I feel like I’ve been handling this whole Everest thing pretty well, much better than I thought I would at least. But then there are times like today when I’m just over it, when I start to feel less of myself because it is so apparent that half of me is away. I hate feeling like this. I’m trying my hardest to stay positive and to live my own adventure, embracing this as an opportunity for growth, yet sometimes it just gets the best of me.
Maybe I should look at this as our quality time together, God, instead of looking at it as time without Harold. So, let’s make this time about us! Lord, teach me Your ways. I love You, and I put You first! When I am stubborn, remind me of this, that being close to You is all I really want and it takes time and effort, but it’s always worth it.
I needed that reminder. In the lonely moments, I was focusing on the empty feeling of Harold not being by my side instead of the fullness of God’s presence with me each step of every day. I knew it was okay for me to admit I was feeling sad, but I didn’t want to let those negative feelings drown me. Choosing to learn and grow from an experience doesn’t mean you have to deny the very real feelings that come from enduring your time of trial. I felt what I needed to feel and then chose to refocus. Changing the direction of my thoughts helped me feel more in control of my situation.
On my last day in Ireland, I took a hike along a narrow trail, overlooking the seaside cliffs on the outskirts of the small town of Howth. I stopped to take in the view, sitting at the edge of the cliff with my feet dangling over the side. The waves crashed against the rocks below and then trickled down like mini waterfalls. I unzipped the top of my backpack and pulled out my journal to write.
I’m glad I can just sit here and take a moment to breathe and reflect. I’m really proud of myself for having the guts to just go off on my own. I think one of my fears is going through life alone, which sounds weird since I am blessed beyond measure in my marriage with Harold. Life is so exciting, and I have no idea where it will take me; kinda like this trip. I had never even heard of Howth until I got here, and here I am taking in one of the best views. I think You do that with our lives, God. Life may not always go the way we planned, but we get to see some beautiful things along the way.
I stood up and continued my hike, smiling the whole way. It truly was one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I had ever been. I thought how much Harold would have loved it because it was the perfect kind of walk for a daydreamer—easy to get lost in your thoughts and feel inspired. The trail was lined with beautiful yellow flowers, but I learned the hard way those little suckers would sting if you touched them.
I had been walking for a long time and needed to head back, so I took a cut-through path I spotted and hoped for the best. I was praying not to get lost out there alone next to some cliffs before the sun went down and I missed my train back to Dublin.
I spotted a gray stone bench up ahead. As I got closer, I saw it had the words “Find God in All Things” etched across it. I looked up and gave a little smirk to God. It was the perfect way to describe what this Ireland adventure had meant for me.
I was reminded of a verse I lean on during challenging times: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance” (James 1:2–3, NIV). It was a beautiful reminder that no matter what I’m experiencing in life—highs, lows, or in-betweens—God is always with me, and there is something to gain from every experience.
I made my journey home, first to Lakeland, Florida, for a quick visit with my parents, then back to Georgia to recover for a few days before heading off to Nashville and finally to Guatemala! Harold’s summit push would be starting soon, but I felt like the burden of worry and fear that I’d been carrying had lifted, at least for now.
May 14, 2016
Before leaving on our expedition, CPT Matt Hickey and I discussed the realities of one of our team members dying on Everest.
“If the team makes it to the summit with one of the first active-duty Soldiers and one of the first combat-wounded vets ever to get there, that will probably make national news,” Matt said. “And that would be an incredible accomplishment, both for USX and for every Soldier we’re climbing for.”
“But…,” I said, seeing where he was going with this.
“But if, God forbid, something bad happens and we lose a combat-wounded Soldier or a novice climber gets into trouble, that will undoubtedly make headline news too. That would be very damaging for USX and even worse for the issue of Soldier-PTSD awareness. If our cause gets associated with some kind of tragic disaster, you can bet that’s what the headlines will focus on.”
It was a great point and a polite way of saying we have to be super careful on the mountain because attaching yourself to a cause can have negative consequences too.
We will eventually learn that an Australian woman, Dr. Maria Strydom, will die after nearly reaching the summit of Mount Everest. Her cause is to prove that vegans can do anything. An unfortunate backlash from the media will occur and damage the cause she is trying to stand for. It will serve as a valuable lesson to us as we press on in our own awareness mission.*
Knowing the ramifications of our actions is important. Being on the same page and communicating clearly and consistently as a team facing extreme conditions are absolutely critical. The potential consequences of failing to communicate can be disastrous, even deadly.
Most of us can point to bad choices we’ve made in life, both large and small, that became glaringly clear in hindsight—to the point that we wondered what we were thinking in the first place. This happens to us at the final camp before the summit, Camp Three, when the situation turns dangerous for our team very quickly.
* Travis M. Andrews, “Woman Trying to Prove ‘Vegans Can Do Anything’ Among Four Dead on Mount Everest,” Washington Post, May 23, 2016, www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/05/23/woman-trying-to-prove-vegans-can-do-anything-among-three-dead-on-everest-two-more-missing-and-thirty-sick-or-frostbitten.
16
Summit Fever
RACHEL
I was in my car driving to Nashville when my phone rang. I thought it was probably my mom calling. I hadn’t heard from Harold all day and didn’t think he was going to be able to call, so when I saw it was him, I was really excited. My voice pepped up when I answered the phone. “Hey, hunny!” I said.
I was expecting his usual chipper “Heyyyy!” but as soon as Harold started talking, I could hear the devastation in his voice. He told me he was sick and wouldn’t be able to make the summit push. He didn’t know if he’d be able to go at all since there was such a tiny window and his body was in no condition to climb. He was crushed.
HAROLD
The morning we were leaving for our summit push, the start of our three-day grueling trek to the top, I awoke to my stomach in knots. I barely had enough time to make it out of my tent and pull my pants down before my bowels gave way. It was bad. My stomach was killing me. I had vicious diarrhea.
I must have a stomach bug, I thought.
It was a common condition up there, people suddenly struck with diarrhea, vomiting, and weakness. It could be food poisoning, a virus, or bacterial contamination. The cause didn’t really matter. I knew that if I were to climb, things could turn deadly, as it would deplete my energy and could cause me to stop for frequent bathroom breaks. What mattered was getting over it. Quickly.
I immediately started taking meds and crushing water as fast as I could, but I was miserable. Nothing helped. I crawled out of the tent but couldn’t walk more than a few feet without having to find a rock to stagger behind, peel off the layers, and go to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like I could eat anything. I was going to have to make a hard call because I knew I couldn’t leave for the summit that day.
I f
ound the team. I had to force the words out. “I can’t go.”
They looked at me, eyes wide, but they could tell by my face what was going on. It’s hard to hide that special kind of misery.
“You guys feel free to go ahead. If the weather allows, I can leave with my Sherpa in a day or two when I feel better, but I don’t want to hold you up.”
“Wait, let’s look at the weather first,” one of them said. “If we can find another weather window that works, then we want to go as a team.” The others nodded. Out of the entire season, climbers typically have only a few days of good conditions to climb to the summit. The backward clock had already started.
It was killing me, but I knew I couldn’t climb in my current condition. Besides feeling weak and not being able to eat, there was no way I could climb while so violently ill. Staring up at the highest point on Earth, my spirits were at the lowest in my life. I called Rachel.
I am pretty sure that for the first minute of the call, I couldn’t even get any words out. I was just sobbing. I sat in my tent with my hands over my face, the phone on speaker in my lap. I could see the summit, but I wasn’t going to be able to go. I needed Rachel to help me through this.
RACHEL
I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. First, I felt absolutely horrible for him. To work so hard for years, just to be defeated by a stupid stomach bug. It felt like a sad, pathetic joke. Of course, I didn’t think it was a joke, and I’m sure no one else did either, but I knew Harold was probably feeling like it was.
He’d been healthy the entire trip up until now. I tried my best to comfort him, praying for him over the phone and assuring him that he was still making a big impact even if he didn’t summit. The fact that the team had raised all this awareness for PTSD and Soldier suicide was invaluable. He was still feeling down, so I understood that he didn’t want to talk for very long. My heart felt heavy as we hung up the phone because I knew he was hurting and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
A Higher Calling Page 12