by SJ McCoy
Ben shook his head sadly. “No. I rarely see them anyway. I didn’t want to get them all excited about seeing you. And I sure as hell didn’t want to hear, yet again, what a failure I am to have lost you in the first place.”
“Okay, this is supposed to be a first date, remember?” She didn’t want their new beginning to be bogged down in all the sadness of the past. “So, Mr. Handsome and Mysterious Stranger, what do you do for fun?”
He smiled. “I know you’re probably expecting me to say work, but I’ve been trying out all kinds of things lately.”
“Like what? Anything I can join in on?”
“Absolutely. You know I’ve lived at the resort all my life and I’d never taken advantage of all the activities we offer. These last few months, I’ve been taking one of the boats out when I get a chance; I even went out in the mountains on a four-wheeler.”
“I’m impressed!”
“Me too. I’ve been having all kinds of fun, and I’d love to share it with you.”
“When’s your next day off? We should go do something.”
“I’ve been taking Tuesdays off since Angel ….” He stopped abruptly and met her gaze.
Charlotte’s heart sank; she’d decided she wasn’t going to mention Angel this evening. She decided it was probably best to move on and ignore it. “Since you’ve had an assistant?”
Ben nodded. “Yeah. After you and I talked in Vegas, I really got to thinking. I’ve spent so much of my life waiting and working, that I forgot to get on with living.”
“Oh, Ben.”
“No, it’s a good thing, really. You know I’m naturally a workaholic, so it was easy for me to lose myself in work and I enjoy it, you know that. But after I spent that night telling Chance our whole story, I remembered how I always used to say you were chasing tomorrow.”
She smiled at that. “I always loved that phrase, you know. Even though it felt like you disapproved.”
“It wasn’t so much that I disapproved, it was just that I wanted to live the day we were in.” He rubbed his hands over his face, but not before Charlotte saw the glistening tears in his eyes. “I always thought there’d be plenty of time for tomorrow, that we’d share all our tomorrows.”
“So did I.” Charlotte swallowed—hard.
“Anyway.” Ben smiled and squeezed both her hands. “After we saw each other in Vegas, I made myself a promise. I decided that I need to live each day like there’s no tomorrow. Because ….” His voice cracked. “We never know if there will be.”
Charlotte swiped at the tears that were rolling down her cheeks. “Do you mind if I join you in that? I think that’s the best philosophy for life I’ve ever heard. I think it’s what we should do, you and I. We should live like there’s no tomorrow. Especially since we can never make up for all the yesterdays we lost.”
The server chose that moment to return with their pizza. Ben let go of her hands and swiped at his own tears. He served her the first slice, just as he’d always done when they were kids. “Do you still have hollow legs?”
She laughed. “I still eat like a horse, but I’m getting worried as I get older. I mean, even hollow legs must fill up eventually, and I’m scared that once they do, I’ll suddenly gain huge amounts of weight.”
Ben laughed. “You could always try to cut down on the amount you eat.”
She tried to look offended. “That’s not very gentlemanly of you.”
He laughed. “Well, you can hardly claim that the way you eat is very ladylike, can you?”
Charlotte looked down. She’d already picked up her pizza and folded it in half to eat with her fingers. Ben’s fork was poised mid-air. She shrugged. “This guy I used to know once told me it was quite endearing. He didn’t like girls who were fussy and picked at their food.”
“He still doesn’t. You know I’m only teasing.”
She took a huge bite of pizza and grinned at him as she munched.
“Since that mouthful is going to take you a while, I’ll tell you another thing I’ve been enjoying for the last couple of years, and that’s hanging out with the gang again. It’s awesome having everyone move back here. For years, it was just me and Miss. Everyone else had made their way out into the world, and I never would have believed that any of them would come back. Then over the last couple of years, they all have. It’s awesome.”
Charlotte smiled. “I’ve been so jealous of everyone getting to come back here. I didn’t think anyone would either. I mean, I used to think that it’d be impossible. How could anyone make a living up here? And yet it seems there are so many ways.”
Ben grinned. “So very many. From Dan and his secret squirrel computer stuff to Pete moving his headquarters up here.”
“I love that Emma’s back and writing her books.”
Ben nodded. “Yeah, me too. She’s so happy now.”
“It seemed to me like that husband of hers is responsible for that.”
“Jack’s a great guy.”
“And the fact that Missy married his brother. I love that. It’s like everyone’s becoming one big family.”
“We are.” The way he held her gaze made Charlotte shiver. Would they ever be family now? Would they end up getting married like they’d planned to all those years ago?
“And Lily’s running the stables, right?” Charlotte knew that she was; she just needed to say something to break the moment. She was afraid she might ask him to marry her right here and now if he kept looking at her like that.
“She is. And she’s happy. She just got engaged, too. Did you know?”
“No! Who to? Anyone we know?”
“Nate works for Jack and Pete. I like him a lot. He used to be a bit of ladies’ man, but then he met Lily and he turned out to be a closet romantic. They’re kind of cute together, just don’t tell either of them I said that.”
She laughed. “Don’t worry. I won’t. So, everyone’s paired off and settled down and married, or engaged, then?”
He held her gaze for a long moment. “Almost everyone.”
Looking back into his beautiful hazel eyes, Charlotte’s heart hurt. They were supposed to have been the first to get married and settle down together. She nodded, hoping he’d hear what her heart was screaming, but she wouldn’t say there’s still hope for us. She couldn’t say it, so she chattered on. “I heard about April, I liked her when I met her in Vegas. I knew the band guy had a thing for her and I made her promise to let me know if anything happened. She sent me an email when they got engaged.”
Ben smiled. “Well, you’ll get to catch up with her whenever you like now. She’s your neighbor.”
“Yeah, can you believe that? I couldn’t when Missy told me this morning.”
“You saw, Miss?”
Charlotte nodded, wishing she hadn’t mentioned that, but it was too late now and so she had to be honest. “Yeah.” She hung her head for a moment and then looked up to meet his gaze. “I called her after I saw you and Angel. I didn’t know what to do, Ben. Part of me just wanted to run away. I felt so stupid and so bad for eavesdropping on you.”
Ben shook his head. “I thought we weren’t going to talk about that tonight?”
“Okay, sorry. It’s just really important to me. I want you to understand that I want you to do whatever is right for you even if that’s not me.”
“It is you. Can we leave it?” The look in his eyes made her drop it.
“Okay. Can I ask you one thing?”
He gave her that same pleading look.
“Don’t worry. I’ve dropped that. I just need to know; have you been happy? I hope you have.”
His smile was genuine. “These last few months I have. Since I saw you. It gave me hope.” He shrugged. “Sorry, that probably makes me sound like a sad sack. I have a good life. I’ve done what I wanted to with the resort. More than I believed was possible when I started out, but I think I kind of lived in a bubble. I tried to protect myself from the hurt, and I don’t think you really can shield yourself fro
m hurt without shielding yourself from happiness, too.” He shrugged. “That probably doesn’t make any sense.”
“No, it does. I don’t think I would ever have found the words to say it, but you just summed up my life—at least my life since us. The pain … it all just hurt so much. I kind of went numb. I didn’t let myself go near the pain, because I knew I couldn’t heal it. And so, you live in a cloud of cotton wool, the pain can’t pierce you in the same way, but happiness can’t get through to you either.”
“Exactly, but these last few months it’s like I’ve shed the layers, and started to feel again. I’ve examined the pain, from a new place of hope, and happiness has just kind of crept in around the edges.”
“I’m glad, Ben. I want you to be happy.”
“And we will be.”
She nodded. She’d been about to say again that she wanted him happy, no matter what that meant, but his answer stopped her. She hoped with all her heart that he meant what she thought—that they would be happy together. “I don’t want to bring this up now, I don’t really want to bring it up ever, but we need to. You said you’ve examined the pain …” She stopped. The lump in her throat made her unable to continue.
He nodded and squeezed her hand. “We need to go there, but I can’t do it right now.” He looked around. The restaurant was quiet, but there were a few other diners in there, and most of them had already shot a few curious glances in their direction. “I feel like we need to grieve together at some point, maybe a little at a time, but definitely in private.”
She nodded. “I don’t know how to do a little at a time. It’s like a door that, when you open it you step into this dark and lonely place, and it sucks you in, you have to stay a while.”
Ben sighed. “And we need to go through that door together.”
Charlotte swallowed. “I hope this first date isn’t going to put you off. You’re supposed to talk about fun, light, and fluffy stuff on a first date, right?”
He nodded. “You are, but that’s why we’re in such a weird place. We can’t step back to where we were, but we can’t start fresh from nothing either. We’ve got too much shared history and not enough at the same time.”
“That about sums it up.” She smiled. “I think we’ve done enough darkness for one night though. I vote we get back to light and fluffy. And I can’t think of a better way to do that than to order dessert.”
Ben chuckled. “Let me guess, double chocolate whatever-they-have?”
“Yep, you know me so well.” She held his gaze, knowing he was thinking that he used to. And of course, she was hoping that he would again.
It was late when they finally made their way outside. Ben took her hand and led her back toward his car. “What do you think, would you like to come over and see the apartment?”
Charlotte looked up into his eyes. She would like nothing more than to go home with him, but she was exhausted, physically and emotionally. She slid her arms around his waist and smiled sadly. “I would like, yes, but I think for tonight I’ll make do with a goodnight kiss. I really want us to do this properly, Ben. I’d like for us to go slowly.”
Ben slid his fingers into her hair. “However you want to play it, that’s fine with me.” He tilted her head back and brushed his lips over hers. Charlotte clung to him as he kissed her. His kisses had always carried her away—away to a place where nothing but the two of them existed. This case was no different, and she was so grateful and happy for him to take her there again. When they finally came up for air, she wanted to change her mind, wanted to ask him to take her home, to make love to her and truly bring them back together, but she didn’t. It was best to go slowly, and like he said, enjoy the anticipation.
“When can I see you again?”
“As soon as you can spare the time,” she said with a smile. “What are you doing tomorrow night?”
“Whatever you want me to do.”
“You are too sweet, I can’t imagine you don’t need to work on a Friday night, but what do you think, would it be okay if I came to the Boathouse?”
“It’d be more than okay, so much more. The band will be playing and I think most of the gang will be coming out. How do you feel about that?”
“I think that’d be lovely. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.”
He nodded. “I don’t have to work work, but I do like to be there to keep an eye on things. We can go somewhere else if you prefer.”
“No, that’ll be perfect. I’ve not come back to change your life, just to see if I can fit into it.”
He hugged her to his chest and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “I know you can fit into it, Charlie. And I hope that you will change it.”
Chapter Twelve
“Hey, bossman.” Kenzie grinned at Ben. “So, tonight’s the big night then, is it?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Ben tried to hide his smile. It seemed the whole town knew Charlotte was back and knew that she’d be coming to the Boathouse tonight. “Who told you anyway?”
“You know what? I don’t even remember who told me first,” she said with a laugh. “I think every single person I have talked to today has either told me or asked me about you and Charlotte. I’m thinking we may need reinforcements behind the bar. I’m pretty sure the whole town will be here.”
Ben shook his head with a rueful smile. He was kind of pleased, and at the same time, a little anxious. It was nice that people cared, but it felt like a lot of pressure for things to go well.
Kenzie raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you happy about it?”
“Of course I’m happy. I’m just not used to my personal life being under the microscope.”
“Oh, come on. Everyone’s rooting for you. It’s not like people are being nosy, we just want to see you happy.”
Ben gave her a grateful smile. “I know and I appreciate it, but it still feels like pressure, you know?”
Kenzie shrugged. “Sorry, but I can’t say I do.” She smiled when Chase came in and sauntered over to join them. He leaned across the bar to kiss Kenzie then pulled up a seat and smiled at Ben. “I’m not going to interrogate you, I’m sure Kenz has done that already, I don’t think she’s talked about anything else since Charlotte came back.”
Kenzie made a face at him. “I don’t know what you mean! I merely mentioned—in passing—that I’m excited for Ben, that’s all.”
“Yeah, that’s all. It’s not like you chattered on about it for hours or anything, is it?”
Ben smiled at the evil look Kenzie shot at Chase. “Well, like I was just saying, it’s nice to know that you care.”
“You know it,” said Chase. “I don’t know a single person around here who you haven’t helped in one way or another. It’s only to be expected that we all want to see you find the happiness you so deserve.” He shot a wary look at Kenzie. “I just hope for Charlotte’s sake as well as yours, that she does make you happy. I know at least one person who’s ready to skin her alive if she doesn’t.”
Kenzie sputtered. “I never said that! I just …”
Ben laughed. “It’s okay, Kenzie. I know you’ve got my back.”
At that moment, Eddie came over to join them. He punched Ben’s shoulder and grinned at him. “So, I hear you’re finally ready to join the rest of us and fall in love and settle down.”
“It’s definitely a possibility.” Ben smiled. He wanted to believe it was possible; he hoped it was. But life had already taught him that even when you believed something was certain, it didn’t necessarily happen.
Eddie held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. “As long as you’re admitting that much at least, I’m happy.”
Ben smiled. He liked Eddie. His smile faded a little when he saw Emma, Jack, Missy, and Dan coming in. He knew he wouldn’t get off as lightly with them. At least not with Emma or Missy.
Emma came straight to him and reached up for a hug. He had to lean across her baby bump in order to peck her cheek. He tried to focus on how happy s
he and Jack must be and not let his mind wander. He’d always known that Charlie and he would one day have to talk about their loss. And since they’d skirted around the edges of discussing it last night, it was weighing heavily on his mind. In all the years they’d been apart, he’d tried to keep his memories and his love for Charlotte locked away in a box. The love and pain that he felt for their child who had never been born, those feelings he had buried even deeper. He knew that until he and Charlie could face those feelings together, they could never move forward.
“Where is she?” asked Emma.
Ben laughed. “Hi, Em. It’s nice to see you too.”
“Oh, sorry. Hi, Ben. You know I love you. I’m just so excited! It’s finally happening, and I get to see it.”
Jack slid his arm around her shoulders with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Ben. You know what she’s like. How are you doing?”
“To be perfectly honest,” he smiled at Jack, “since I know that’s something you like to do, I’m already a little weary of being the center of attention. I’m not used to it and it doesn’t suit me.” He smiled kindly at Emma. “But I do appreciate it.”
“Don’t worry,” said Missy. “You won’t be the center of attention for long once Charlotte arrives. You know everyone’s going to bombard her with questions.”
Ben nodded. “Yeah, and she’s much better able to handle it than I am.”
Dan smiled at him. “I don’t know how you handle it at all.”
Missy reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Hey, you stepped a long way outside your comfort zone for me.”
It was true. Ben remembered Dan standing up in front of everyone and declaring his love for Missy and proposing to her. If Dan had been able to do that, then Ben could certainly enjoy being under the spotlight of everyone’s curiosity about him and Charlotte being back together. “It seems like everyone’s here early tonight. Here come Nate and Lily.”
The others all turned to greet them. When Lily finally reached Ben, she smiled. “Where is she then? I’m dying to see her.”
“She should be here any minute.”