by SJ McCoy
He shook his head. “I’ve spent sixteen years wondering what might have been between you and me. Now I finally get the chance to find out. There is no way I would risk that, not for anything. Certainly not in order to explore something with Angel. I told you, she’s become a friend. She’s a good-looking woman and we do have a connection of some sort. I’m not denying it. But it means nothing and couldn’t ever mean anything. My heart belongs to you, it always has. Now can we please forget about her and focus on us?”
Charlotte nodded. She didn’t know what possessed her to bring that up again, but it was niggling at her. She felt as though she was being unreasonable asking him to commit the rest of his life to her when he’d never even looked around to see what else was out there. It was just her sucky timing that meant she’d finally come back just in time to prevent him from checking out what he could maybe have with someone else.
“Okay, we can forget about it tonight, but would you promise me something?”
“What?” He didn’t look like he wanted to make any promises.
Charlotte smiled. “I want you to promise me that you’ll give some thought to what might’ve happened between you and Angel if I wasn’t in the picture.”
“I can’t promise you that, because I can’t do that. I can’t give any thought to that, because all I can think about is you and the fact that you’re back. You are in the picture, you’ve always been in the picture. Angel isn’t the first attractive woman who’s come along. I like her, okay? I admit it. But I don’t like her enough to do anything about it.” He blew out a sigh and shook his head. “It almost feels as though you’re trying to palm me off on her.”
“No! You know that’s not it. I just feel like I’m being selfish. I was married to Alastair for years and now I come waltzing back in and expect you to drop everything for me.”
“But you’re not expecting, you’re just hoping. I know that. And it’s what I want. Shouldn’t what I want be what matters most?”
Charlotte nodded. “It’s the only thing that matters. But I know you; you’d rather go with the old familiar, than explore something new, something that might be even better. And I don’t want to deprive you of something better.”
“Nothing could be better, in my mind, than us getting back together. What is it that you’re really scared of? Do you think that once we get to know each other again it won’t be the same? Do you think the magic is gone? That the people we are now won’t be able to share something as wonderful as we did in the past?”
“I guess, if I’m perfectly honest, I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough. You deserve the best. And I think a part of me is scared that she might be better for you than I am.”
He came back and slid his arms around her. “What has life done to you to make you so uncertain? You always used to be so confident, you knew best, you were the best, and no one could ever tell you otherwise.”
Charlotte shrugged. “Like I told you, I suppose I’ve done a lot of growing up. I suppose there’s also some element of guilt in there. I hurt you, I know that. It’s bad enough that I hurt you when we were kids. But knowing that what happened between us meant that you never found happiness with someone else … That kills me, Ben. And if you have a chance at happiness with someone else now, there is no way I want to take that away from you.”
He looked so sad, it broke her heart. “You didn’t hurt me, Charlie. What happened hurt me. What your parents did hurt me. But you? You never did anything to hurt me.”
She closed her eyes against all the emotions that rushed to the surface. She made her way to the sofa feeling as though her legs might buckle under her. “How can you say that? We both know that what I did was what destroyed us. I lost our child.”
He came to sit beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. “That wasn’t something you did. It was something that happened and it happened to both of us. It hurt you as much as it hurt me.”
Charlotte swallowed, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. “Yes, but Ben, the fact that I suggested …” Even now she couldn’t bring herself to say the words, she hated remembering that, even if only for a moment, she’d considered that they might get rid of their baby.
“No. All you did was consider all the options available to us at the time. I need to tell you how sorry I am that I reacted the way I did when you mentioned it. You were just thinking out loud and we should have been able to discuss together whether that was something that we wanted. Instead, I was shocked and hurt and I let you see that when I shouldn’t have.”
“You had every right to be shocked and hurt. I could never have done it. You’re right, I really was just thinking out loud. But I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did either. When we talked on the phone and you thought that was what I’d done … When I told you the baby was gone and you thought …” She closed her eyes, but that didn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks.
He hugged her to his chest and rested his chin on top of her head. “Charlie, I’m so sorry.” She could hear the tears in his voice and looked up into his eyes. He shook his head sadly. “I was so worried. Before you left for Mexico, that was the last thing we talked about. I told you we both needed to take our time to think about it. Then when we talked on the phone and you told me the baby was gone, I was so shocked, I thought that was what you meant.”
She rested her head against his shoulder. “And I can understand that now, but at the time I was such a mess. I was so sad. I was in shock myself. I couldn’t believe it had happened and worst of all, I felt so guilty. I felt like I’d somehow made it happen. I felt so bad that I’d even suggested getting rid of our child. After we said goodnight, that night before I left, I decided then that we were going to have the baby. I changed everything around in my mind, and I knew we could turn it into our biggest, greatest adventure—and that we were going to be great parents …” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Her body was wracked with sobs. Ben held her and cried with her for a long time.
Eventually she lifted her head and dried her face. She shook her head sadly. “I’ve always felt that when I finally figured it out, finally got it right in my mind, that’s when it all went wrong anyway. The worst thing about it all was that I closed you out. I needed time, yes, but I shouldn’t have closed you out. I was such a mess, and knowing that you thought that I’d done that, that I was capable of …” She couldn’t make herself say it.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie. I didn’t think it. I just reacted, I jumped to that conclusion in a moment. It was a reaction based on pain of my own. I shouldn’t have—”
She reached up and put a finger to his lips. “You shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have, but we did. What matters is that now we get to talk about it. We get to say we’re sorry and hopefully, somehow, we get to move past it.”
“I’ll never forget, you know.”
Charlotte’s heart sank. Was he saying he’d never forgive her?
He shook his head seeming to read her thoughts. “I mean I’ll never forget our child.” He rubbed his hands over his face, unable to continue.
She closed her arms around him and hugged him to her chest. She hated to see him cry, hated that she was the one who’d made him cry, that she caused him so much pain. Her only consolation was that finally, after all these years, they got to share their tears and their pain.
He brought his hands down and looked up at her. His gorgeous eyes were ringed with red. “For some reason, I’ve always thought she was a girl.”
Charlotte nodded, unable to speak for a moment. “Me too.”
“It was so hard, you know, when I found out about Miss. At first, she acted like it was the worst thing in the world that could have happened to her. The couple of times I spoke to her on the phone, I wanted to scream at her.” He sucked in a deep breath and nodded to himself. “I’ll be forever grateful to Pete. He was the one that talked her around, you know?”
“Yeah, I did know. In fact, that’s a big part of the reason w
hy, despite our differences, I always say I love him really.”
“Who would have dreamed back then that we’d all end up where we are now?”
“Certainly not me. Although …” She smiled at him. “I did always dream that we’d be here together and you’d be running the resort. And, here we are.”
“We sure are. It’s taken us a hell of a lot longer than we thought it would, but all we can do is make the most of what we have now.”
She nodded. “I’d like that. How do you think we should go about it?”
He looked unsure of himself. “I do have one idea.”
“What’s that?”
“Would you stay with me tonight?”
She looked deep into his eyes. When he’d brought her over here, she’d been hoping she might end up staying the night, but talking about the past, about their loss had put her in a different mood.
He smiled. “I know we’re going to take it slowly. And I don’t mean … You know. I just mean, I want you to be with me. Now we finally got to talk about … everything. And I know it probably sounds stupid, but I just can’t face saying goodnight and watching you leave. All our problems started when we said goodnight and I drove away from your grandparents’ house. Tonight, I’d love it if we can say goodnight and it not mean good-bye.”
Tears were rolling down her cheeks again, but these weren’t tears of pain, they were tears of hope.
He looked so worried. She reached up to touch his cheek. “I just want to lie next to you, Charlie. To hold you. That’s all.”
“I want that, too, Ben. I’d like that more than anything in the world.”
He stood up and held out his hand to her. She let him lead her through to the bedroom. It felt so right, and yet so wrong. He was her oldest friend, her first love, and yet in some ways he was a stranger. She stopped and looked up into his eyes.
“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
“I do want to.” She did, it was true, but all she wanted to do was lie with him and hold him.
He seemed to understand. He lay down on the bed fully clothed, and reached his arm out to her. She smiled. He’d always understood her. She hadn’t wanted him to undress her, there was nothing sexual about this. And she hadn’t wanted to undress herself in front of him. They weren’t an old married couple, but they should have been by now. She climbed onto the bed and snuggled into his side resting her head on his shoulder. “I love you.”
He dropped a kiss on her forehead. “And I love you, Charlie. Thank you. This is what I need tonight.”
“It’s what we need, Ben.”
Chapter Fourteen
Ben opened his eyes. He’d thought that he wouldn’t sleep at all, not with Charlie lying next to him. Not now she was back in his arms after all these years. He wanted to lie awake and hold her and savor every moment. And yet it was morning; he remembered turning on his side and her snuggling into him. And then nothing. That was probably the best night’s sleep he’d had in sixteen years. Charlotte was still snuggled into his side, his arm still slung across her. He drew her closer and dropped a kiss on her hair. Her eyelids fluttered, but she didn’t wake. He was glad. He wanted to be able to watch her sleep. It was hard to believe that she was here, back in his arms, in his bed, in his life. At least, he hoped she was back in his life. It bothered him that she kept talking about Angel. He hoped that after last night she wouldn’t bring it up again. He was surprised, but in a good way, that she was looking out for him. She said she’d learned that love wasn’t selfish, and that she only wanted him to have the best. He knew there was some logic to her reasoning, too. They loved each other when they were kids, but even he wouldn’t claim that they’d been the ideal match.
He realized she was awake and looking up at him. He smiled. “Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning,” she mumbled. “I can’t believe it’s light. I didn’t think I’d sleep at all.”
“I didn’t either, but I only just woke up myself. It seems we both finally relaxed.”
She nodded. “I don’t suppose you’re relaxed enough to take the morning off with me?”
He smiled. “You know what? I think I am.” Why the hell not? It was Saturday, changeover day, but he had a well-trained staff. They could take care of things; they could run the place without him. If he’d let them. And if he was ever going to let them, today seemed like a good day to start.
Her eyes widened in surprise. “You’re serious?”
He laughed. “Yes, why, weren’t you?”
“I thought I was just pulling your leg. I didn’t think there was any way you’d say yes. But, since you have …”
They both looked up at the sound of a knock on the door. Who the hell might that be? Whoever it was, Ben didn’t want to answer it.
“Aren’t you going to get that?”
He shook his head with a smile and covered his face with a pillow. “I’m not here.”
Charlotte giggled. “Who are you, and what have you done with Ben? There is no way the Ben I knew would hide from his responsibilities on a Saturday morning.”
“Maybe I grew up a little too.” His voice was muffled by the pillow.
Charlotte lifted the edge of it and peered at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that I finally realized that work isn’t everything. And there are some responsibilities that are more important than work could ever be.”
The knock at the door was louder this time. All his instincts made him want to go answer it, but realistically it couldn’t be anything important enough to get him out of bed. Not while Charlotte was still in it. They lay there staring at each other and the knock came again, louder still.
“Ben, are you in there?” His heart sank. It was Angel.
Charlotte raised her eyebrows. “Is that her?”
He nodded. What the hell did she want?
“You should go to see her. I can hide in the bathroom or something if you like.”
“There’s no need to do that, Charlie! No need at all.”
“So, go answer it then. Otherwise either she or I will start thinking you have something to hide.”
Ben met her gaze. “You don’t mean that?”
She shook her head. “No, sorry, I don’t. But I can’t speak for her.”
Ben scrambled out of bed. “Well, she needs to know what’s going on. Perhaps then both you and she will know it’s you I want and not her.” Charlotte stared after him as he went to the front door and opened it. Angel was no longer there. She was halfway back down the stairs. She turned at the sound of the door opening.
“Oh, there you are. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
Ben shook his head, feeling a little self-conscious, standing in full view of the square, as he was. “What’s up? What do you need?”
“I just wanted to see if you were …” Her voice trailed off.
Ben knew without turning around that Charlotte must have come to stand behind him. The look on Angel’s face said it all. He felt bad for her, but it was better this way. Now there could be no doubt that he was back with Charlotte.
“Hi, you must be Angel. I’ve heard so much about you.” Ben turned in surprise and Charlotte made her way past him, down the steps to shake Angel’s hand.
“It’s nice to meet you. You must be Charlotte.”
She nodded. “Sorry, I can’t stop. I’ll leave you to it.”
Ben was stunned to see Charlotte carry on down the steps. She turned at the bottom and gave him a little wave. “Bye.” He stared after her as she made her way across the square and back to her car.
Angel watched too. Once Charlotte had pulled away, Angel turned to look back at Ben. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t think.”
Ben rubbed his hands over his face. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. “That’s okay. What did you need?”
“Nothing. I feel so stupid. I should just go.” She turned and ran back down the steps, then across to her car. Ben was sti
ll standing there staring as she, too, pulled away.
“Scaring two of them away in less than five minutes, that’s some going, even for you.”
Ben looked down to see Joe leaning against the wall out the back of the restaurant. “How long have you been standing there? Actually, don’t answer that. You don’t need to. Long enough, apparently.”
Joe nodded and pushed away from the wall to make his way to the steps. He stopped at the bottom. “You got any coffee on the go yet?”
“No, but I need some. I take it you’re inviting yourself in?”
“Looks like it,” said Joe with a grim smile as he started up the steps.
Once Ben had made the coffee, they took a seat outside on the balcony.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?” asked Joe.
“I would, if I knew myself.”
“Well, the fact that Charlie was here at this time in the morning tells me something’s going on, right?”
“Not what you’d think.”
“You’re not going to tell me she didn’t stay the night?”
“I’m not. But like I said it’s not what you think. Last night we finally got a chance to talk about everything that happened between us, and she stayed.” He met Joe’s gaze. “Just so we could be together, so we could be close. Last night was about the past. Not about the future or even the present. It was about us finally sharing our pain.”
“And now it’s morning. Now you’re back in the present, and Angel came?”
Ben shook his head. “I don’t even know what she was doing here. I don’t know what she wanted. And I don’t know why Charlie left. I didn’t want her to. In fact,” Ben took a gulp of his coffee, “I think I’m going to go after her.”
Joe took a sip of his coffee and nodded slowly. “What’s she like now? I haven’t seen her yet.”