by Emily Forbes
She waited for him to say that wasn’t what he wanted.
‘You don’t want to visit me?’ he said, which wasn’t the same thing at all.
‘I wouldn’t want to leave Papa.’
‘Kat, he’s fine. He’s recovered well from his surgery. You could leave for a few weeks.’
She felt guilty using her father as her excuse but she wanted more than a few weeks. She wasn’t going to settle for less even if it meant suffering a broken heart. She knew that if he loved her they would find a way to work things out. But it looked as if she wasn’t going to get her wish. ‘I have to stay.’
‘If that’s what you want.’
No. It wasn’t what she wanted at all. She wanted him to say he loved her, that he couldn’t live without her, that he would stay with her. But she knew that was impossible. ‘I should go,’ she said. She didn’t belong here. In his world.
‘Now?’
She nodded. She loved him but she didn’t expect him to love her back. She needed to make a clean break. She couldn’t stand the thought of saying goodbye but she knew she had to. And she had to do it quickly.
They didn’t speak as he walked with her to her car. There was nothing left to say.
He took her in his arms and spun her to face him. ‘You are wrong, by the way,’ he said as he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. ‘I’ll never forget you,’ he said as his lips came down onto hers.
The kiss was gentle. Sad. Kat didn’t know that was even possible.
She knew it was a goodbye kiss but she thought it might be better called the ‘break my heart’ kiss.
‘You have an open invitation to visit me any time, so let me know if you change your mind,’ he said as she made herself let go of him.
She nodded and got into her car. She could feel tears threatening to spill and she didn’t want to cry in front of him. She didn’t want him to see how her heart was breaking.
She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand as she drove away. She didn’t look back. She knew she’d turn right around if she did.
* * *
He watched her drive away. He could scarcely breathe and his heart ached in his chest. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He wanted to chase after her, to beg her to reconsider but he knew he’d be wasting his time. She wasn’t going to leave her father. Her family came first. It was what she had always told him but he’d hoped that maybe he would be worth the sacrifice on her part. But if she wouldn’t leave for a few weeks, how could he ask her to leave for ever?
And how did he expect it to work? What would they do going forwards? Where did he see them? Did they have a future? Could he expect her to leave everything she loved behind to travel with him? To live his nomadic existence...his lonely, nomadic existence? He couldn’t ask her to leave with him. Everything she loved was here. Her family, her career, her world. She was surrounded by people who loved her. And she had chosen to stay with them. He’d known she would but he’d hoped differently.
He wanted her to love him, to choose him, but was that fair? Did he love her?
He didn’t know. He’d never been in love before. All he knew was that, watching her drive away, he felt as if she was taking his heart with her.
He stood and watched until her tail lights disappeared.
Leaving him alone again. As always.
CHAPTER NINE
‘HOW ARE YOU? Have you heard from him?’ Saskia asked as she sat on Kat’s bed and watched her tidy her room.
‘No.’
Oliver had been gone for a week. Kat had seen an interview he’d given at Sydney Airport as he left the country. He’d been asked about his fiancée and he had looked suitably upset when he’d replied that Kat was staying in Coober Pedy temporarily while her father was recovering from surgery but was planning to join him later.
She knew that wouldn’t happen.
‘You should have gone with him.’
‘I can’t leave Papa. I’m all he has.’
‘It’s not for ever, Kat. And that’s not true. He has Rosa, me, the boys, Maya. We’re all here. You could have gone.’
‘What would be the point? It’s not real, Sas. It’s all make-believe.’ Oliver had asked her to visit but Kat wanted more. She wanted for ever. She wanted true love.
Saskia picked up a framed photo. Kat’s favourite. ‘It looks pretty real.’
‘It was all an act.’ At least on his part. She wanted to believe they shared something real but she really wasn’t sure. She’d fallen in love with him and their connection had felt real to her, but what if she’d fallen for Oliver because of a fantasy? Because she’d always dreamt of finding the one. What if he wasn’t the one but was simply an option? ‘He doesn’t need me.’
‘Are you sure? You could go and find out. What’s the worst thing that could happen? You find it’s not what you thought and you come home miserable. You’re already miserable, so isn’t it better to take a chance? What are you afraid of?’
She was afraid he wouldn’t want her. That she wasn’t sophisticated enough and wouldn’t have anything in common with his life. His friends. His world. That she wouldn’t belong. That she’d look out of place and he’d see she wasn’t right for him.
She was afraid that their differences were bigger than their similarities because, after all, what did they really have in common? They had talked and laughed and loved. They had shared secrets and dreams, but those secrets and dreams were so different.
She felt as if she knew him but she was scared to take a chance. It was easier to stay than to take a risk. She liked to play it safe. She liked to follow rules. She liked routine. He was a rule-breaker, independent. She needed her family and friends. He was a loner. She could get past all those differences with the exception of family. She wasn’t sure if she could be with someone who didn’t value family.
‘We are too different.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Saskia wasn’t holding back with her opinion. ‘Since when do you think that every couple has to be exactly alike? Why should they think alike, act alike? Imagine how boring that would be. Think about how he makes you feel.’
He made her feel special. He made her feel beautiful. He made her happy. And now he’d made her miserable. She was lonely. She missed him.
‘If you’re not going to go to him maybe you just need to get away from here for a while. Away from the memories. We should have a girls’ trip. Maya and I could leave the kids with our husbands and go with you. What do you think?’
‘Maybe,’ she said, but what she thought was, what if she was away and something else went wrong? Or, even worse, what if Oliver came back for her but she wasn’t here?
She knew that was a ridiculous notion but she could admit, if only to herself, that it was what she was dreaming of.
She’d fallen in love with him but there was nothing she could do.
He was gone. It was over.
* * *
Kat looked at the clock. Fifteen minutes until the end of her shift.
Her life had been dragging on painfully slowly for the past four weeks since Oliver had left. Every morning she woke up hoping to feel better. Hoping she wouldn’t feel as though part of her was missing. When would it end?
‘Do you think it’s safe to get changed now?’ she asked Dave. ‘Saskia and Maya are going to collect me from here.’
She was going out to dinner with her cousins’ wives to celebrate Maya’s birthday. The other crew would be here to take over shortly and she wanted to be ready to go, but she knew how often a last-minute emergency would derail any plans for an on-time knock-off.
‘Sure. It’s been—’
‘Don’t say it!’ Kat held up her hand in warning. She was superstitious enough to stop Dave from uttering the word. The minute you said a shift had been quiet, chaos would descend.
Dave laughed. ‘Go and ge
t changed. I’ll hold the fort.’
Kat barely had time to get her boots off before Dave was knocking at the door. ‘Kat, we’ve got a call-out. Are you still dressed?’
She sighed and stuffed her feet back into her boots, leaving her bag with her change of clothes behind.
‘Take your bag with us,’ Dave said. ‘I might be able to drop you straight to dinner.’
She doubted that—it seemed as though everything that could go wrong did. Her life was a mess. ‘Where are we going?’ she asked as they climbed into the ambulance.
‘Out towards Crocodile Harry’s place,’ he said as he handed her the GPS coordinates so she could punch them into the satnav as he drove. ‘A couple of tourists; one’s had a fall, a suspected fractured leg.’
Crocodile Harry’s was only ten minutes out of town. It was where George had filmed the cave scenes and the mention of it made Kat immediately think of Oliver.
‘Do we know what we’re looking for?’ Kat asked.
‘A white Toyota Landcruiser.’
Lucky, then, they had the GPS details. Those vehicles were a dime a dozen out here.
Dave drove west into the setting sun. Kat flipped the sun visor down, the sun was low in the sky making visibility difficult, and her sunglasses weren’t providing enough resistance against the glare as she searched the horizon.
‘I see a car.’ She pointed to their left, to where a four-by-four sat on top of a hill. It was approximately in the right position according to the satnav.
Dave turned off the main road and bumped his way over the rough terrain. As they approached Kat could see a table and chairs set up beside the vehicle. It looked as if someone had gone to a lot of trouble to set up a picnic to watch the sunset. Four tall posts had been erected and fairy lights were strung between them. Solar powered, they were just beginning to shine in the dusk. The table and two chairs sat beneath the lights.
Kat jumped out of the ambulance, swung open the back door and grabbed her kit. She headed for the vehicle.
A man appeared from below the crest of the hill. The way he moved reminded her of Oliver and she felt a pang of loss as she blocked that thought. She had been thinking of him on the drive out here and now her imagination was playing tricks on her.
The man came closer. He looked just like Oliver.
She held her hand up to shield her face from the setting sun. Surely it couldn’t be him?
‘Hello, Kat.’
It was him. The sound of his voice set her heart racing. He smiled his familiar smile; it started at one corner of his mouth, spreading across his lips and lighting up his eyes. Kat couldn’t breathe. She felt dizzy and was afraid her legs would buckle.
‘Oliver? What are you doing here?’
‘Waiting for you.’
She looked around in confusion. ‘Where’s the patient?’
‘There isn’t one.’
She turned around to question Dave, unable to work out what was going on. Dave stood behind her holding the bag that contained her change of clothes. Clothes she had packed to wear to dinner with Saskia and Maya. He passed the bag to her, swapping it for the medical kit, and walked off without a word.
‘I don’t understand,’ she said, turning back to Oliver. ‘I’m supposed to be having dinner with Saskia.’
He was shaking his head. ‘You don’t have any other plans. Dave, Saskia, Maya—they’re all part of this.’
‘Part of what?’
‘Come and sit down.’ He took her hand and Kat clung to him, not sure she was going to be able to walk without help. Her brain had frozen. Nothing made sense.
Oliver pulled out a chair for her at the table and she almost collapsed into the seat. The table had been covered with a white tablecloth, and two champagne glasses, an ice bucket with a bottle of champagne and a vase of flowers had been laid out on top. She stared at the tableau.
‘Did you do this?’
He nodded. ‘I did it for you. There’s something I need to discuss with you. It’s about our engagement. There’s something I need.’
‘I’m sorry, I should have thought,’ she said as she started to tug at her engagement ring. Her hands were hot and clammy, the ring tight on her finger. It wouldn’t budge.
She wasn’t sure why she was still wearing it. It was totally impractical in her job but she hadn’t been able to make herself take it off. She pretended she was worried she might lose it but that wasn’t true. She wore it because it was a reminder of him. She’d been surprised that he had never asked for it back, but then they’d never officially called off the engagement. She supposed this was it.
But that didn’t explain the champagne, the flowers, the table under the lights. She was totally confused.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked her as she continued her futile attempt to remove the ring.
‘Of course, you need this back.’ She reached into the ice bucket and grabbed some ice cubes to cool down her finger.
‘What? No! That’s not what I came for. You can keep it.’
‘I don’t want it,’ she said as she finally tugged it free. ‘You need to give it back to Philippa.’
‘I suppose I should,’ he said as he took it and slipped it into his pocket. ‘You never liked it anyway.’
He was right, she hadn’t, not only because it was impractical but also because it had no meaning. It hadn’t been given with love.
‘It’s a beautiful ring,’ she said, ‘but it was never mine to keep. I know we need to end our engagement but you didn’t need to come all the way back here.’ Oliver had been in touch a week ago to tell her the lawsuit had been dropped. She’d known then that he didn’t need her any more. ‘I could have sent the ring back to you.’
‘I’m not here for the ring, Kat. I’m here for you.’
‘For me?’
He nodded. ‘I never should have left. I should have fought for you. For us. I should have told you I love you.’
‘You love me?’
‘I do.’
It was exactly what she’d wanted to hear but she couldn’t understand why he hadn’t told her this before. What had changed? What was going on? ‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’
‘I was scared.’
‘Of what?’
‘I didn’t think I deserved you. I didn’t think you would choose me. I thought you would choose your family. I know how important they are to you and I didn’t know how I could compete with them, but then I realised I don’t want it to be a competition. I don’t want you to choose them or me. I want you to choose me as well. I want to be your family too. I just hope I’m not too late.
‘I want to be the man you deserve, the man you love. I want you to be proud of me. You have given me a sense of purpose—you have made me want to be a better version of myself. A better person, a better son, a better man. But I had to work out who I was. Who I wanted to be.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Let me explain.’ He reached across the table and held her hand. ‘I don’t think I have ever really felt comfortable in my skin. I have never truly felt a part of something; I’ve always felt as though I’m a disappointment. I think that’s why I love acting—it’s a chance to escape from myself, from reality. It’s a chance to be someone different, someone who isn’t real, someone who won’t disappoint real people. For years I’ve been searching, trying to find my place in the world, trying to work out what my purpose is, but it’s been a lonely existence. But since I met you I can see myself as part of a bigger picture. Part of something special.
‘I want to be part of something real. You exist in the real world and you’ve shared your world with me, you’ve shown me what is out there. I’m tired of make-believe—I want to be part of your world. Of your life. I love you and I want to marry you.’
‘You want to marry me?’
‘I do.
I love you and I want to spend my life with you. Until I met you I didn’t believe that there could be one person who was the right fit for me, or that I would be the right person for somebody either. I thought that sounded clichéd, boring, that there would be nothing left to look forward to, but you have shown me that with the right person I can have all of that and more. I can have someone to share that with. Something to look forward to together. I want to be part of something bigger than myself. I want to be part of us. Everything about you has made me change my mind. I’m a changed man. Trite maybe, clichéd certainly, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I want to be the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I need you.’
The sun had set now. It was nearing winter and the end of the day came quickly in the desert. The temperature was dropping as darkness fell. The sky was dark and clear and the fairy lights merged together with the stars.
‘I wanted to bring you out here so it was just you and me this time. This is about us. Just us. I want you to know this is real. There’s no performance. No agenda. I know you think we are very different but there is one thing we have in common: we both want to be loved. I love you and I hope that, just maybe, you love me too.’
He stood and knelt in the red earth beside Kat. ‘Katarina Maria Angelis, I love you, I adore you, I need you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, as your husband. Please will you make my life complete? Will you marry me?’
‘Yes,’ she said as she pulled him to his feet. ‘I do love you and I do adore you. I need you too and yes, I will marry you.’
She wound her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, pouring all her emotions into the kiss, letting him know that she loved him, adored him and needed him.
‘There’s one more thing,’ he said as he pulled a ring box from his pocket. He held it in the palm of his hand and flipped the lid open. A round black opal was nestled inside. Even in the semi-darkness it flashed with vibrant colours—red, blue and green. It was in a bezel setting, surrounded by diamonds. Kat didn’t recognise the setting but she was sure she recognised the stone. Black opals were extremely rare.