I was what some people call full figured fine, but these thighs felt far from fine. I called myself hitting the pavement for a little running, make that jogging, in an effort to relieve my stress from today’s shenanigans. I don’t know what was worse – the feeling of not being able to catch my breath from exercising or the chaffing from jogging in these thin leggings. I deserved a break, so I planned to just sit here for a while, nibble on a few Oreo Thins and a Diet Dr. Pepper and visualize the reunion of me and my first love, Khalid Davis, tomorrow night at our high school alumni ball.
“You’re the perfect one, for you and me forever will be, and I will love you so, for always…”
That Atlantic Starr song boomed in the background as I daydreamed about the past. Me and my girl, Kelly, decided to throw a Blue Lights in the basement party at her house since her parents were out of town. It was our last year in high school and we wanted this to be a party to remember. Blue, yellow and red lights took turns lighting up the room. Every ten minutes, the fog machine would spray vanilla scented mist out into the crowd.
And of course, our deejay did not disappoint. We danced like Kid and Play to “Ain’t Gonna Hurt Nobody,” jammed to “Teddy’s Jam,” and shook our butts to “Doing Da’ Butt.” Then, the deejay slowed it down. Atlantic Starr started singing about love and Khalid, Kelly’s twin brother, came up behind me, turned me to face him, pulled me close, placed both hands in the back pockets of my Jordache jeans and we slow dragged in slow motion. I held my arms around his neck tightly to let him know I would never let him go.
That was ninth grade. Khalid and I were inseparable after that. He was my best friend; we did everything and nothing together. My favorite moments with him were in the recliner I’m in now. He would sit behind me and we would take turns reading poems we had written for each other. It was an innocent love, pure love, and my parents loved and trusted him.
The closer graduation came, the more concerned I got about how the separation between Khalid and I would affect our relationship. He would be leaving for the Marine Corps in four weeks and I would be leaving for college in two weeks. I still remember the advice my Mom gave.
“Tangie, you two have been together your entire high school years. Right now, your lives are about to take off in different directions. Take this time to grow up, live life. Allow him to do the same and if this love is meant to be, it will be. Souls always find the way back to their mates.”
I heard her, but I wasn’t trying to listen.
The deejay played the song I had requested by New Edition.
“I’m lost in love, I can’t live without you. I’m lost in love, all my dreams around you.
And I’m lost in love, and it’s true. I can’t live without you. Oh no…”
That song was my cue to take Khalid to his bedroom and prove to him that I was forever his lady. Besides, I had heard all about boyfriends leaving for the military, traveling the world, falling in love, and leaving their first love behind. I was about to make sure that would never happen.
Inside his bedroom, I closed the door behind us, reached on my tippy toes to give my man a long and slow kiss; he tasted like Grape Now and Laters. I removed my clothes, slid under the bedding and invited him under the covers and into my soul. No one told me it would hurt and they certainly didn’t tell me that it would be over so quickly. It didn’t matter, though. In fact, the only thing that mattered was that we had exchanged something special, something that could never be returned. Our virginity.
Graduation was bittersweet. It was time to say goodbye to old friends and start living like grownups in a grown up world with grown up temptations. Leaving Khalid behind was difficult. I thought my heart would literally break. I remember holding him so tight before getting into my parents’ loaded down car. I gave him a kiss and whispered, “I will love you so, for always.”
Weeks and months passed by. I settled in at Florida A and M University, in Tallahassee, Florida. Khalid went off to boot camp at MCRD Parris Island, SC before going to MOS school at Camp LeJeune in Jacksonville, NC and adjusting to his first duty station at Camp Kinser, in Okinawa, Japan. I could count on nightly calls from Khalid. Our conversations were long and filled with excitement as we talked about our days and the things we were experiencing. We planned our future together. We ended each call with plans to see each other soon. We both held the phones long after saying goodbye. I could still hear him breathing and I’m sure he heard me breathing until we fell asleep.
We kept in touch regularly for a year and a half. College was harder than high school and I was trying to get acclimated to the college life while missing Khalid and my family. Because we were several thousand miles away, we only saw each other twice a year and our conversations were not constant because he was being deployed quite often. We did our best by writing letters to each other weekly. I cried every time I opened his letters. He’d always write the most heartfelt poetry to me. His letters were truly love on paper. And the dog tags he sent me burned love in my skin and I swore, I would never take them off.
But then it happened…life. I was loving the college life. I mastered the art of getting my school work done as soon as I could so that I could catch every party thrown by a fraternity and sorority. I was partying with the upper classmen, became an expert on drinking but never got use to the hangovers. The college boys were fine. They had the body of Greek gods and had silver tongues. I eventually knew what the hype about sex was.
The more I enjoyed college life, the more I forgot about my old life, including Khalid. He still sent letters every week and I never had time to read them. The dog tags that I swore I would wear forever were replaced by a silver thin necklace, with a heart, with my new boyfriend’s name in it.
I graduated from college a few years later and thankfully graduated from my college boyfriend. I was really ready to spread my wings and fly and I felt as though moving back to Atlanta wouldn’t be the best thing for me. Besides, Khalid wasn’t there and if he was, I’m sure he would never forgive me for the way I abandoned him and his heart.
“We’re gonna have a good day, and ain’t nobody gotta cry today, Cause ain’t nobody gonna die today, save that drama for another day heeeey…” by Nappy Roots and Greg Street blared from my alarm clock and jolted me from my deep sleep. I got out of bed, said my prayer of thanksgiving, and slowly climbed into my tub of hot water, scented with Lavender Essential Oil. I needed everything I could get to calm my nerves. I was excited about seeing Khalid, but worried about his reaction to seeing me after twenty-seven years. It seemed as though I had waited forever to tell Khalid I was sorry and ask for his forgiveness. I would explain to him that it was a huge mistake and I never married because no one loved me like he did and I could never love anyone the way that I loved him.
“Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet. To go over everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing…”
Adele’s song played in my head as I walked toward the hotel, feeling confident about the way I looked. I may have been full figured but my stomach was snatched to the gods, I had a butt like Serena and Tina Turner legs. Baaaby, I was looking fierce. But my nerves were shot. Thank God for those two Ativans I took a few minutes ago.
As soon as I stepped into the ballroom, a flood of emotions took over. I felt like I was that twelfth grader at the prom about to slow drag with the love of my life. I mixed and mingled, but my mind was far from the conversations and my eyes were scanning the room for Khalid. That’s when I heard our song, “Girl, you are to me, all that a woman should be and I dedicate my life to you always.” My heart fluttered fast because it was at that moment, I knew I would see Khalid. He had to be the one to request the song.
I turned around and that’s when I saw him. But I frowned at the faces around him. Why is he in the middle of THEM? He didn’t belong with that crowd. I walked slowly toward him. I heard people calling my name, felt them pulling at my arms, but I ke
pt walking. I only had eyes for my forever love.
I stood before him; tears falling on my cheeks. I took my fingers and traced his thick eyebrows. I touched the tip of his nose, smiled at his contagious smile, and leaned over for a kiss, wondering if he still tasted like Grape Now and Laters. As my lips touched him, reality slapped me like a jilted lover. The cold panel of glass that held his photo wouldn’t allow us to reconnect.
This can’t be.
I was shaking as I picked up the orange and black frame, then slowly placed his picture back on the table among the rest of the classmates who had passed on to eternity. I realized I was dizzy from holding my breath. My body involuntarily trembled. I was numb but somehow felt the tears slowly streaming from my eyes. My knees buckled under the pressure of my heavy heart. I slowly exhaled. I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard a familiar voice.
“Hey Tee.”
I turned around and fell into the comforting embrace of my high school best friend, Kelly. The look of anguish on her face matched mine.
“He…He’s gone?” was all I managed to say.
“I tried to call you several times to let you know Khalid was killed last month. I know we fell out of touch after high school but I thought that you may have wanted to attend his funeral. You never returned my calls.”
I dropped my head. “I know. I got your messages. I was too embarrassed to call back because of the way I treated your brother and for not keeping in contact with you after we graduated. My intentions were to come here and apologize to you both. Now I’ll never have the chance to tell him goodbye and that I loved him,” I said between sobs.
“Let’s take a walk outside and find the bench where we used to sit and gossip back in the day.” She grabbed my hand and we walked outside.
It was a good thing that she was holding my hand, because if not, I wouldn’t have made it. The thoughts in my head were paralyzing as she explained what happened.
“We got the call late at night. We knew something was wrong when we saw his commanding officer on the doorstep. Mama didn’t even want to open the door. The officer said Khalid was walking back from chow when he stepped on a land mine that blew up. The only grace that I could see in this was that the officer told us Khalid was never aware of what happened. One instant – he was here, the next, he was gone,” she said.
I was blinded by my gushing tears. My tears had not stopped, not even once we reached the bench, but Kelly sat down and I followed. “I have something for you.” She paused for a moment as if she was giving me a moment to gather myself.
I tried, but it wasn’t working. She continued, “Khalid lived life to the fullest. You know that he traveled to every place imaginable, buying souvenirs for you from everywhere he lived. He always said that he had to save a little piece of his travels for you so that you’d feel like you’d spent all these years experiencing life with him.” She blinked as if now, she were fighting her own tears. Still, she spoke, “When I was finally able to go through his personal property, I found a box addressed to you.” She reached into her purse. “I was hoping to see you here to give it to you.”
I slowly took the box, opened it, stared at the contents and then, blacked out.
The radio softly played Cyndi Lauper. “If you’re lost you can look and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting. Time after time.”
It had been four days and I finally had the strength to get out of bed. I opened the curtains to let some sunshine in, then walked slowly to my living room. I climbed into my recliner, our recliner, and picked up the box that I had set last night on the side table.
My finger slowly traced the beautiful pattern on the cover before I removed the top. Once again, I stared at the most beautiful ring I’d ever laid eyes on.
For the first time, I lifted it from the box and slid the tear-drop shaped diamond onto my finger. Just like I knew it would, it fit perfectly.
My glance returned to the box and my eyes stayed there, staring at the paper that had been folded several times. I inhaled, then released a long breath, sure that I had enough emotional courage now. I unfolded the letter until the eight-by-ten piece of paper was laying flat in my lap. And then, I read.
Dear Tangie,
I’m praying all is well with you. It’s strange not having you in my life experiencing the world with me. But then again, you were and will always be my world.
I know it’s strange that I’m writing you again, after all of these years. I’d stopped all those years ago when you stopped returning my letters, but I never stopped loving you. No matter how many years have passed, no matter how many women I’ve met, you have been in my heart. It may sound strange, but every day I breathe you, smell you, touch you, taste you and hear your voice.
I’ll be retiring soon and that’s why I’m reaching out now. As Marvin and Tammy sang, “Ain’t no mountain high, ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you, babe.”
I’m ending this letter, praying that you will receive it and hoping that we’ll be able to see each other when I get home. There is something that I want to give you and a question that I want to ask you.
Until then, just know that I will love you so, for ALWAYS,
Khalid
Huge tear drops smeared the letters on my love note. I closed my eyes and felt him with my heart. I placed the letter in the box, looked at the ring on my finger and whispered, “I will love you so, for always.”
Dwon D. Moss is an upcoming Author, Entrepreneur, Writer and Motivational Speaker. She launched her Soy Bath and Beauty line, SassiSoul Soy, in the mid 2000’s. In addition to SassiSoul Soy, she has her own Greeting card line, SassiSentiments. She writes personalized cards that caters to the recipients and his/her unique situation.
Tangled Webs
By Elle Jaye
Aaron stretched his legs out and leaned back on the sofa. He was tired of having this same argument and the only way to permanently end it was to tell Laila the truth, a truth he had not spoken to anyone other than Michol.
“Hellooooooooo, are you even listening to me? Before I started dating you I always did things with my family. You act like you can’t co-exist with them. Tell me what’s really going on. Do you know how frustrating it is to have to keep my worlds separate? I mean, I love you and everything, but I feel like you’re trying to isolate me.” Before she could finish her statement, Laila realized that she had said too much.
As she pondered her next move, Aaron sat up straight and met her eyes with a gaze so sad, so intense that she just knew he was about to reject her and her feelings.
He sighed heavily before he spoke. “Laila…”
“Aaron, you don’t have to respond to that. I really don’t know where it came from. I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean to put you in an awkward position.”
“Let me speak, Laila. We will address your…” he stumbled over the words he should use, “we’re going to talk about your statement, but not right now.” He noticed her eyes looking everywhere but at him. He wanted to ease her pain and comfort her, but first he had to tell her the truth.
“Look at me.” She continued to look everywhere else. He got up and walked over to her, cupped her face in his hands, and gently turned her head so that she had no choice but to look at him. “Laila, look at me when I’m talking to you.”
“What is there to say?” she asked. “I love you. You don’t love me. I get it now. This is why you don’t want to be around my family. You don’t want anything serious with me. I get it.” she said to him with as much strength as she could muster.
“Don’t speak for me. You don’t know how I feel unless I tell you.” He let go of her face and grabbed her hand, gently lifting her from her seat. “Come here,” he demanded as he pulled her toward the couch where he previously sat.
He sat down and urged her to do the same. “I will address your statement, but there is something else more pressing that we need to discuss right now. I don’
t have a problem with your family, well not all of your family.”
Laila frowned. “What has anyone in my family ever done to you? Who do you have a problem with?”
He laid his head back and answered, “Michol. my problem is with Michol.”
At the mention of her cousin’s name, Laila made a move to stand, but she was pulled back down by Aaron. She then positioned her body on the couch so that her back was against the arm and she could look directly in Aaron’s face. “What the hell happened between the two of you? She’s not exactly fond of you either.”
Not wanting to give Laila the opportunity to get off the couch, Aaron draped his hand over her and gently cuffed her thigh “It’s complicated, we…” he paused trying to lessen the shock with carefully chosen words, “we…”
“Yooouuuuuu what?” Laila asked, growing frustrated and fearing the worst at the same time. “What did you do? Oh my God! Are you…did something intimate happen between you and my cousin?”
“What do you mean ‘intimate’?”
Pulling away from Aaron, Laila asked, “I mean, are you screwing my cousin?” Aaron’s evasive answer had propelled Laila’s suspicions into overdrive and as her apprehensions increased, her patience lessened.
“Am I currently? No. Have I ever? Yes.”
“What kind of answer is that?” she asked as she jumped up from the couch. “You slept with my cousin? When? Where? How long?”
Aaron dragged both hands down his face. “Sit down and let me explain.” The bass in his voice caught Laila’s attention, but it did nothing to assuage her anger.
“I’d rather stand because I’m about five minutes away from walking out the door. What can you possibly say to justify keeping me in the dark for the past three months? ”
The Ex Chronicles Page 18