Hated Secret Admirer

by Vanessa Sueroz

  "In what world romantic women live in. I live in the real world," Andressa said, laughing. Then I could hear some kissing sounds.

  Am I the only one here without a boyfriend? I know Andressa and Fernando aren't officially dating, and even if they were, they just started today, but even so. Here I was crazy to be with Lucas and they’re making me jealous.

  Did I just think that? Am I crazy to be with Lucas? My God! I didn't know I was so in love. That's what all I needed, to be in love with my hated admirer – worse, to be in live with my best friend. How bad is that?

  "What's bad?" I heard Vitor asking me then sitting next to me.

  Wasn't he arguing with Lucas? How did he get here so fast?

  "Have you ever been in love?" I asked, unsure.

  "Yeah, but it didn't work out. Usually people live to be in love, I live trying to have fun without falling in love," he answered, shrugging.

  "I don't know what to do, Vitor," I said, thoughtful.

  "Why don't you just go and talk with him? I have a feeling it will work out," he said, laughing and messing up my poor hair.

  "A feeling? Since when do you have feelings?" I asked laughing.

  "I always did when the subject is you and my idiot friend. I don't know which one of you is slower on the uptake. You with those schoolgirl fantasies, and him with his fear of rejection."

  "Lucas’s fear of rejection?" I asked, unsure.

  "Everyone is a least a little afraid, even the ones that pretend they aren't."

  "And why pretend?" Men...who understands them?

  "Why let everyone see your weaknesses?" Vitor shot back.

  "You're very confusing!" I answered, laughing.

  Vitor only got me more confused.

  "Why don't you go and talk about something, anything, with him? You guys are good at that," he said, smiling.

  "And you think that will solve my problem?" I asked, suspicious.

  "It won't solve it, but it will make you stop thinking about him," he answered me, shrugging.

  It's not a bad idea. Solving the problem without worrying about it is the best way to solve it.

  "You're crazy," I said, laughing and hugging him.

  "I learned it from you, Paulie," he answered, laughing harder.

  "Very funny," I answered, sarcastically.

  "Can I join the party?" This time it was Lucas's voice that reached my ears, making my heart speed up quickly.

  "Of course you can. You can help me make Paulie understand how I'm the hottest, most handsome guy in this whole school," he said, passing his finger through his hair, all smiles.

  "And when did you surpass me?" Lucas asked, smiling bigger before they both started laughing.

  Once again I ask: can anyone understand men?

  "I have to go. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Saturday with some kitty cat."

  "Be careful she doesn't scratch," I joked when he got up.

  "Scratches are part of my charm," he answered, winking at me before turning and walking away.

  "That Vitor is one crazy dude," Lucas said, still smiling.

  "We're the crazy ones for hanging out with him," I answered.

  "And what are we doing with the rest of our Saturday?" Lucas asked after a few seconds of silence.

  "How about you teach me how to play the guitar?" I suggested, excited.

  It wouldn't be a bad idea to learn to play an instrument. Maybe it improves my awful coordination.

  "But I don't play well yet, and I think you noticed I'm out of tune," he said, embarrassed.

  "So? I bet I'll be worse than you," I said, shrugging.

  Which is the truth, since I never played an instrument in my life.

  "Then let's go," he said, excited, already getting up and reaching out with his hand to I'd let him help me get up.

  I know it's weird just the two of us going to his room, specially with the door closed, besides if my mom saw this she'd kill me – really, rule number one at home is no boys, rule two is no boys in the bedroom, rule three, never close the door if someone is with you. But who cares? We're at school and we're doing anything we shouldn't.

  We sat next to each other on his bed, ready to play a song, or better, to try and play a something that resembled a song.

  Lucas supported the guitar on his lap, and played a few chords, to me it sounded like a great melody, but I think it wasn't more than a few lose notes.

  "Now you try!" He asked me, holding out the guitar to me.

  Obviously I held it awkwardly. Doesn't he know I never played anything in my life? Specially a string instrument.

  "I guessing you never even held a guitar, right?" Lucas asked, smiling when he saw my awkwardness.

  "Let's say I never had a guitar at home," I said, shrugging.

  "I'll teach you," he answered, smiling. "You put this hand here," he said, holding my hand and taking it to the body of the guitar. "And this hand here," he said, holding my other hand and taking it to the neck of the guitar, resting it on some strings.

  "It's easy!" I said, smiling and feeling my face a little warm. I think it's getting hot in here.

  "Now the harder part, positioning your fingers," he said, taking each of my right hand's fingers and placing them on top of one of the guitar's strings, or better, trying, since my fingers are small and I had to twist my whole hand in order to reach the last strings.

  We played around. changing finger positions on the string for some time, I can't say it was fun, but I also can't say it wasn't.

  The truth was, it was weird, not fun, because learning guitar is not fun, but I also can't say it wasn't fun, because we were laughing at my small fingers and we were touching the whole time, not that we never done it before, but I think now I'm aware of what's happening.

  I couldn't resist and while he talked to me I simply stopped paying attention, there was no way to pay attention with his mouth so close to mine. Besides, how is it possible to pay attention when Lucas is so close and at the same time so far?

  "You're distracted," he said, looking at me quizzically.

  "I was just thinking," I answered, vague.

  "Thinking of what?" he asked me, looking at me weird.

  "Of everything and nothing at once," I answered, still confused. I couldn't simply say I was thinking of our friendship and if we could have something more.

  "And how do you think of everything and nothing at the same time?" He asked me, laughing.

  "I don't know. You've never done it before? I was thinking, for example, on how Andressa is happy with Fernando, but, at the same time, I don't think they're both really happy. I think they're still unsure about the other's feelings, or they would have something more serious, after all, they don't need to get to know each other, they already know enough to know if it could work or not."

  "Maybe they don't want to risk giving so much of themselves to it," he said, shrugging.

  "But if you really like someone like they like each other, that shouldn't matter."

  "Sometimes liking someone is not enough. Actually, a lot of the times it isn't," he answered, thoughtful.

  "It should be," I said, annoyed.

  "You think that if that admirer hadn't been sending anonymous roses and had signed all the letters, you would've have been interested?" He asked all of a sudden.

  I didn't think he'd bring the subject. up, since he won't admit to being the admirer.

  "I don't know, but he has the benefit of the doubt. Don't you think that, knowing that I'm interested, he should tell the truth?" I asked trying not to be too obvious, but failing.

  "What if he's afraid to tell the truth?" He asked me, thoughtful.

  Does this mean he's finally admitting to being my admirer?

  "And why would he be afraid?" I asked, trying to find out more.

  "Because you could simply like someone else, or reject him for some other reason," he said, looking sad.

  "That could definitely be possible, since I'm already in love," I said, shrugging.
r />   Did he get the hint, or am I to keep thinking men don't get hints?

  "See? That would be a good reason for him not to show up and declare himself," he said, thoughtful.

  "And I'd be the one to have to do it, since he seems pretty insecure, right?" I asked, upset.

  He really didn't get it.

  "But you're the most romantic girl I know, if you did that it could take all romance out of the thing," he said, really upset.

  "So? Better to lose the romance then my friend and love, right?

  "In that I have to totally agree with you," he said, coming closer.

  Stop everything. He was getting nearer?

  "And what if he declared himself and it was who you wish?" He asked me, looking straight into my eyes.

  "That would make both of us happy, after all, we could do whatever we wanted and be together.”

  "That would be a really great thing," he said, smiling, seconds before I felt his lips touch mine.

  I didn't freeze or got emotional when that happened, as I always thought I would, I just wanted to feel him closer to me, and that's exactly what I did – I pulled him closer so I could scent him better, taste him better, feel his heart beating against my own.

  "I think I forgot to tell you something, Paulie," he said, drawing away a little from my mouth and coming near my ear.

  "And what would that be?" I asked, hopeful.

  This is what I've been waiting for some time.

  "Paulie, I..." he started. "Paulie!" I heard Andressa's voice coming out of Lucas's mouth.

  Am I going crazy?

  "Paula!" Now it was Vitor's voice.

  "Come on, Paulie, we're late," Lucas said, now with his normal voice.

  What's happening? Why is everything going dark? Why does Lucas's have all these voices?

  "Paulie!" I heard one more time.

  I blinked hard to get it all out from my head and when I opened my eyes again I was in History class.

  Chapter 10: Back at the Start

  I opened my eyes and Lucas was still next to me, but we weren't in his room anymore, his clothes weren't the same, and, to make matters worse, we weren't kissing or standing close. I was frozen in History classroom, which was empty, actually, almost empty, because my friends were next to me, looking impatient.

  I only realized there was something wrong when I saw Annie. How long since I’ve seen Annie? I never stopped to think where she was all this time. What a horrible friend I am! I can't believe I didn't even notice Annie had had some kind of problem and wasn't coming to class.

  Why are we in History class on a Saturday? And why am I wearing my uniform? Eww! I'd never wear my uniform on a Saturday.

  "Finally! We've been calling your name for forever," Andressa said, looking impatient.

  They were calling my name? Is someone else not understanding a thing?

  "You can stop with the joke already. What's happening? And Annie, where have you been?"

  "What joke?" Fernando asked, pretending he was oblivious.

  "Where was I? I was sitting next to you the entire time," Annie said, laughing.

  "I don't understand. Why are you so far away, Lucas?" I asked, looking at Lucas, who had a sleepy look on his face, on the next table.

  "Far away? I just woke up! I'm right here beside you, angel. I couldn't be closer," he answered, smiling, face still creased with sleep.

  Now explain to me how he was kissing me one minute and the next he was sleepy, twisted on his chair in History classroom. Also, if we're in a classroom, where's the rest of the guys? Where's the teacher?

  "Where's the teacher?" I finally asked. I wanted to see what kind of excuse they make up now.

  "Class ended a few minutes ago," Fernando answered, shrugging.

  "A long few minutes," Annie said impatiently. "Now hurry up. I'm hungry. We're going to miss lunch."

  "I think we have a free period after lunch. If we don't, I'm going to make one up," Vitor said, shrugging.

  "Make one up? Weren't you supposed to be doing the math homework?" Fernando asked, shaking his head, distraught.

  "Math is for the week. I don't need to do homework to pass," Vitor said arrogantly.

  "A little less, Vitor. Like almost nothing. You're almost failing Math and I, because I’m sitting next to you, will end up failing with you," Annie said, upset.

  "Can we go? The two sleepy heads have woken up and I'm hungry," Andressa said, stomping her foot.

  "Fernando, control your girlfriend," I asked, rolling my eyes.

  "Paulie!" Andressa yelled, annoyed, and I heard Annie laughing.

  "Sorry, I know you don't call it dating. What was it again?" I asked, thoughtful. "Oh, yes. You're hooking up, having a good time," I said, laughing lightly.

  "They're hooking up and didn't tell anyone?" Vitor asked, distraught.

  "What do you mean you're hooking up and didn't tell us?" Lucas asked, distraught.

  "That's bad form. I thought we were all friends," Annie said.

  "Paula!" Andressa begged.

  "No one knew? I don't believe it. Wait a minute. Lucas knew. He was with me when you told," I said, pointing at Lucas, who was pretending not to know anything.

  Also, I thought everyone knew the news. Was I mistaken?

  "I think there's some kind of confusion here. Paulie, we're not together," Fernando said, seeming extremely awkward.

  "And that big kiss in the hallway a few minutes ago?" I asked, decided not to let this conversation die.

  "There was even a kiss in the middle of the hallway?" Vitor asked, distraught.

  "So you guys can see where I’m coming from..." I said, shrugging.

  "This is unfair. I can't believe you're finally hooking up and didn't tell anyone," Vitor complained again.

  This conversation is going far...but I could've sworn that Andressa and Fernando had told everyone about their thing. I guess I was wrong.

  "Paulie is going crazy. We're not together. I think she dreamed the whole thing and is mixing stuff up, " Fernando said, a little annoyed.

  "People, seriously, we're not together. Or don't you think we'd tell?"

  "I really am hungry. Can we go eat now before we miss lunch?" Annie asked, irritated.

  I think because I haven't seen Annie in such a long time I'm no longer used to her constant hunger.

  "We can't leave Paulie like this. I think she's hallucinating," Fernando-the-jokester said.

  "Everyone knows she's always been crazy, but I thought she pretended to be normal so she didn't scare other people," Vitor joked. I think my ET nickname is going to make a comeback after today.

  "You can go ahead. I'll stay with her a while," Lucas said.

  "Leave them both there. Two crazy people. Maybe they'll understand each other!" Andressa said, hopeful.

  "Maybe they’ll understand each other then fill us in," Annie answered, looking annoyed.

  "I don't know what gotten into Paulie, but we're not together. At least, I haven't been asked out officially," Andressa answered while everyone rushed out of the classroom.

  "Do you really think making up that Andressa and Fernando are together will work?" Lucas asked me when we were finally alone.

  I was hoping for a kiss, not a question questioning why I was making everything up. I wasn't. He was there when Andressa said she'd been making out with Fernando.

  "I'm not making anything up. You were there," I said, annoyed.

  "I think you're mistaking me for someone, Paulie. I was here sleeping for the whole class, I don't remember Fernando and Andressa together, though it would be great if one of them finally admitted they want the other and put an end to all this back and forth," he answered me, serious.

  "Are you really being serious? In a moment you'll tell me our kiss from a few minutes ago never happened," I complained, distraught.

  "Kiss? Are you really being serious, Paula? Nothing against kissing you, actually, it would be kind of nice..." he was saying when I had to interrupt him.

&
nbsp; "Kind of nice?" I asked, very annoyed. I was so annoyed all I wanted was to punch him. Can I?

  "I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I would love to, but that unfortunately that never happened, but nothing we can't fix now. Why don't you start telling me all about it?" He asked me, strangely.

  Am I going crazy? Worse, I'm having a nightmare. It's not possible.

  "What do you mean tell you all about it?" I asked, not understanding. What was he talking about?

  "Since when are Andressa and Fernando together? Since when was Annie missing? And us...when did we get together?" He asked me, thoughtful.

  "You forgot to ask when did André started being interested in me and when did Bruno start to smoke. Be serious, Lucas. In a minute you'll tell me none of it happened."

  "As far as I know André has a girlfriend in Campos do Jordão and Bruno swore to me that he only tried cigarettes once, and then never again. Unless you've seen something else, I'll have to disagree."

  "Tried?" I asked, not understanding.

  "You don't remember? Yesterday when we were all walking together at night to pass the time until dinner we saw Bruno with his new friends at the back of the school and he had a cigarette in his hand. Vitor and I even bet to see if he'd have the courage to put it in his mouth. After all, I may not like him, but I never thought he'd actually go through with it."

  "But that was days ago. I don't know, more than two or three weeks," I said, thoughtful.

  I remember what he was talking about, I remember Lucas and Vitor joking and betting something when we saw Bruno with a cigarette in his hand and he's supposed friends telling him to smoke it, but that was a long time ago.

  "Two or three weeks? No... I'm sure it was yesterday," Lucas said, thoughtful, I think he was trying to remember exactly when the cigarette episode happened.

  "It's not possible it was yesterday, then how do you explain the last two weeks? The admirer, the roses, and all that?"

  "Admirer? Roses?" Lucas asked me, confused.

  "You were sending me roses, pretending to be a secret admirer. Sure, I hated it because I don't like roses and nicknamed you hated admirer, but that's not what this is about."

  "Are you telling me you dreamed all that in just one class? Wow!" Lucas said, laughing at the end of the sentence. "I think I never had a dream so intense. But tell me about us..." he asked me, seeming very interested.